Weird Dealbreakers: Over Before it Started

For those of you who call it quits for the strangest reasons.

We’re all familiar with the obvious dealbreakers: he doesn’t have a close relationship with his parents, she is a kleptomaniac, he doesn’t have any career goals, she beats up animals for fun… but what about those really odd ones that makes you stop and think, “Hey, I’m really weird”.

Yep. That's pretty weird.

Yep. That’s pretty weird.

So, being the natually curious person that I am, I took to social media to ask guys and gals: “What are some of your weird dealbreakers?” The answers I got were entertaining to say the least. Feast your eyes on another example of the difference between guys and girls:

What guys think…
“If she likes the Kardashians. No. Definitely not.”
“Girls who try to talk dirty during sex but sound awful.”
“Poor spelling and grammar.”
“Fake tan use.”
“Ignoring me.”
“Bad with money.”
“Can’t control themselves when they’re drunk.”
“Calls her father ‘daddy’.”
“If she goes to a concert and doesn’t enjoy herself. Why are you even here?”
“Plays Xbox One instead of PS4.”
“Hates dogs.”
“If she likes rugby league.”
“Calls herself a feminist but isn’t a feminist.”
“Has a Tumblr account.”
“Beats me in bowling.”
“Wears a rash shirt to the beach.”
“Listens to Taylor Swift.”
“If she drinks beer.”

What girls think…
“Someone who tries to share my drink. I’m not down with mouth germs!”
“JEANS AND JOGGERS! No matter how good looking you are – biggest turn off!”
“People who wear trackpants outside of the house and they aren’t going to the gym.”
“When dudes’ lips aren’t chapped.”
“People who wear black shoes with white socks… eww.”
“Any man you can tell spends longer on their hair than you.”
“Men from the Shire.”
“Men who enjoy too much man jewellery.”
“Short stubby fingernails!”
“‘Tribal’ tattoos on people I know to have fully European heritage.”
“The colours yellow or gold, especially in relation to footwear, shirts and cars.”
“Guys who wear jeans with thongs!”
“Guys who seriously say ‘Who’s your daddy?'”
“People who say ‘fff’ instead of ‘th’… example ‘Penrifff’.”
“Guys who wear uggboots or are religious.”
“Anyone who touches their belly button or my belly button. No.”
“If he has skinny legs.”
“Guys who aren’t comfortable with me sleeping in the same bed as my gay best friend.”

And there you have it. I’m so glad I’m not the only one with weird dealbreakers. It’s always refreshing to know there are other weirdos out there.

– by Noah La’ulu

#SayNoToDating2015 April Update

So this update is a day late. Y’all gon’ have to deal with that.

A problem that some new daters seem to be facing, and have been for years on end, is knowing whether or not the guy or girl they’re dating is “the one”. Sure, some date to get to know people without a real intention of settling down with that person and starting that traditional life with them, but there are some hopeless romantics out there to date because they want to find their soulmate. Both of those methods of dating are okay. But I’m talking the latter of those who hope to find true love one day.

Is he or she the one?

Is he or she the one?

How do you know if he/she is the one?

So you’re looking to find that special someone you want to wake up to every morning; the one you want to have kids with and raise them together; and the one you eventually want to die with. But that’s fast-forwarding a lot, and you’re just in the beginnings of a new relationship. You really like the person you’re with now and you can see yourself with them for a very long time, but how do you know?

I like to take it back to a few things:

1) What do you want in a soulmate?
For me, personally, I like someone who I have some things in common with but not enough that we are nearly the same person. I like to have contention with the person and different intersts can do that. I also like someone who can stand up for themselves, and with a strong personality like mine, that may be hard to find at times. I like someone who is unashamedly themselves and is unapologetic about it. I like someone who has their family as their first priority. I like someone who is good with kids. I like someone who appreciates old cinema (Grace Kelly preferably).

Now I’m not telling you to make a cray cray list of unachievable qualities you want your future lover to have, because that’s setting the bar too high and you’ll find yourself disappointed constantly. Find out what traits you really want and can live with for the rest of your life, and if your current lover suits that, then you may have found the one.

2) What kind of person do you want to be?
It’s often said that some people or things can bring out the worst in you. If your current lover is the type to bring out the worst in you, is that how you want to be in the future? Do you want to go to that bad place with children around? Probably not. You want someone who brings out the best in you; someone who inspires you to strive for better; and someone who can make you laugh at even the worst times. As much as you want an ideal other half, you should want an ideal you as well.

3) Do you have similar standards and/or are you willing to compromise?
This tends to be a dealbreaker for some couples who are otherwise perfect for each other. She wants to get married and have kids and start a family; he doesn’t want a bar of it. They’re so in love but neither are willing to compromise. Unfortunately, he or she may not be the one for you. You have to find out if your looking to travel down the same path, because if you’re going down two separate ways and you’re desperately trying to hold onto someone you can’t see, it may become increasingly difficult and will drain you. Of course, if you are willing to compromise and say, “Hey, I don’t want to get married but we can have kids if you really want it”, then all the more to you. You would only compromise such ideals for someone you loved.

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. If you put all your eggs in one basket, and that basket turns out to have a hole in it, don’t fret. Don’t panic. You’re not going to die alone. That hurdle was put in your life for a reason. Something good will come of this.

Happy dating everyone!

– by Noah La’ulu

#SayNoToDating2015 March Update

Three months and counting. Soz to all the people waiting in line to date me.

It’s only fitting that after a stellar Wrestlemania 31, that I make this not-so-subtle wrestling reference: IT’S TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAME. But, in relationships and dating, it is not time to play the game. Ever.

Meet Tiffany*. She is a bright, bubbly and beautiful young woman who has met a handsome, funny guy named Derek*. They’re both into each other and they are both aware that the other feels the same way. Except Tiffany feels the need to plan and schedule every interaction she has with him.

DING!

Tiffany gets a text from Derek asking her how her day was. The logical thing to do? Tell Derek how her day has been. But no, Tiffany would rather wait half an hour and then reply, but purposely make it sound as if her day was better than it was so Derek thinks she has a really fabulous life. That is, of course, if she does text him back, because she doesn’t wanna sound too needy.

Nope. Tiffany has decided to play it cool, and she tells Derek she just came back from a date with “Josh”. Now she thinks Derek will know other guys want her, and that’ll force him to make it official between the two before it’s too late.

Wrong. Thinking Tiffany is intereted in “Josh” more than himself, Derek gives up on Tiffany and moves his attention to another beautiful girl, and Tiffany’s hopes and dreams are dashed.

These are the only kinds of games I want to see people playing. Specifically as Mileena.

These are the only kinds of games I want to see people playing. Specifically as Mileena.

Many people make these errors that Tiffany has made; they feel as if they have to play these “games” in order to get what they want, or to not seem a certain way, or for no apparent reason at all. Too many times have I heard something along the line of “I have to wait an hour before I reply to him” or “I’ll start flirting with one of her friends to make her jealous”. What you don’t realise is that you’re playing a game of chance here, and while your intended outcome may come true, the same could be said about the completely opposite outcome, and you could wind up bitter and alone because you decided to go with “logic” instead of what you truly feel.

If you think it’s too crazy to reply to someone straight away, get over yourself. Just do it. No one but yourself is holding you back from typing in a quick message and tapping “Send”. In fact, I can sure as hell testify that I would much prefer a reply as soon as possible as opposed to one that’s been timed out and planned. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Think of it this way: if you are hungry, you’d go and grab something to eat to quench that hunger, right? Well, if you want to see someone, why are you stopping yourself from doing so “just in case”? You wouldn’t grab a sandwich and be like “Oh, people will think I’m fat if I eat this despite being really hungry, so I guess I’ll just leave it”. Why are you doing that to your love life? You’re essentially blocking your love life from eating a bloody sandwich when it’s hungry. For shame! FOR ABSOLUTE SHAME.

My point is this: do what you feel like, regardless of the consequences. Don’t think about the destination; focus on the journey. It’s a more open, honest way of communication with your desired loved one and we all know and can appreciate that honesty and trust are two of the best things that a true relationship can have.

Don’t play these games anymore. The only games you should be playing are on Playstation or Xbox or Nintendo. Or PC. Or any other video gaming console I may have forgotten to mention.

GROW UP.

Now if you’ll excuse me, all this talk about bloody sandwiches has made me want a sandwich.

Happy dating everyone!

– by Noah La’ulu

Black Widow Predicts Wrestlemania 31

It’s my favourite time of the year! Even moreso than my birthday, Christmas, and the one night a girl gets to dress like a total slut and no one can say anything about it.

Introducing Wrestlemania 31, the first Wrestlemania pay-per-view I’ll get to watch on my WWE Network account (which you can get for just $9.99) and roughly my 13th Wrestlemania I’ve ordered and watched live. Aptly named the greatest spectacle of sports entertainment in the world, this year will see the WWE debut of legend Sting, the first championship bout for the ever-controversial Roman Reigns, and the Wrestlemania debut for the greatest thing to happen to women’s wrestling in years, Paige.

But seriously, why is Nikki Bella's face not on this poster?

But seriously, why is Nikki Bella’s face not on this poster?

In no particular order, here are my predictions for each of the matches:

Pre-show
Fatal 4-Way Tag Team Title Match
Tyson Kidd and Cesaro (C) (w/ Natalya) vs. The Usos (w/ Naomi) vs. Big E and Kofi Kingston (w/ Xavier Woods) vs. Los Matadores (w/ El Torito)
Winner: Tyson Kidd and Cesaro retain
I think this one’s a given. Kidd and Cesaro are the most technically sound tag team in recent years and all the momentum is going their way. Plus, I don’t see them dropping the titles soon. I’m going for a Natalya interference for the sneaky victory.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
AKA the match used as an excuse to make sure every superstar is on the card
Winner: Damien Mizdow… or Sandow, whatever he’s using
The stunt double gimmick has worked wonders for Sandow’s career and he’s made it into his thing. I see Sandow and The Miz as the last two in the ring and Miz ordering Sandow out, but Sandow swerves and eliminates him to a huge ovation from the crowd.

Main Card
Singles Match
Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins (w/ J&J Security)
Winner: Randy Orton
As much as I want Seth Rollins to win, I don’t see that happening. Randy Orton has come back with a vengeance and it’d make all the sense in the world for him to get his revenge by beating The Architect on the grandest stage of them all. Expect some backfired J&J Security interference.

7-man Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Championship
Bad News Barrett (C) vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Daniel Bryan vs. R-Truth vs. Stardust vs. Luke Harper
Winner: Daniel Bryan
So the man who turned last year’s Wrestlemania into HIS show has been “demoted” to an Intercontinental title match, but even still, I see Bryan winning this one. I mean, people can’t get enough of his Cinderella-ness and, well, I love him.

Divalicious Tag Team Match
The Bella Twins vs. Paige and AJ Lee
Winner: Paige and AJ Lee
There’s no secret that the Bellas are the backstage darlings of the WWE, and the face of the Divas division, but the outcasts sometimes known as PaiJ are the babyfaces and will come out victorious in this one. If recent reports of a changing Divas division are to be believed, expect a great match between the Fantastic Four.

Singles Match
Bray Wyatt vs. The Undertaker
Winner: The Undertaker
This one’s hard to call. I mean, I’m expecting an Undertaker win, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Undertaker lost to put over the “new face of fear” in Bray Wyatt. The streak’s already been broken so there’s no real breathtaking hype to this one. Undertaker to win via all his finishers… performed at least twice each.

Singles Match for the United States Championship
Rusev (C) w/ Lana vs. John Cena
Winner: John Cena
This one is too easy to call. Rusev’s never been pinned or submitted. John Cena is Superman. Superman will overcome the odds and be the first to pin Rusev or make him submit on the grandest stage of them all. I hope Lana’s there.

Singles Match
Sting vs. Triple H
Winner: Sting
Say what you want about Triple H, but he will put over a talent if he needs to (as made apparent against D Bryan), and expect him to do so again with Sting. Sting is an Icon (and I wish Cole would stop calling him the Vigilante), and in his first ever sanctioned WWE match, he’ll win. No question about it.

Singles Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
Brock Lesnar (C) w/ Paul Heyman vs. Roman Reigns
Winner: Brock Lesnar
If you asked me a week ago who I thought would take the win, I would’ve said Roman. Now that Brock has re-signed, I’m leaning more to the Lesnar side. I don’t think WWE are going to pul the trigger on Roman’s push right now, especially after the “lovely” reception he’s been getting from ignorant fans, so I expect a dominant Lesnar win here. SWERVE!! While Lesnar is down an out, Rollins cashes in and wins the World title. Brock takes a vacation and Rollins vs. Reigns is reborn!

Make sure you get work off, take the day off school or uni, or find a pub playing this event. You won’t wanna miss it!

– by Noah La’ulu