#SayNoToDating2015 March Update

Three months and counting. Soz to all the people waiting in line to date me.

It’s only fitting that after a stellar Wrestlemania 31, that I make this not-so-subtle wrestling reference: IT’S TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAME. But, in relationships and dating, it is not time to play the game. Ever.

Meet Tiffany*. She is a bright, bubbly and beautiful young woman who has met a handsome, funny guy named Derek*. They’re both into each other and they are both aware that the other feels the same way. Except Tiffany feels the need to plan and schedule every interaction she has with him.

DING!

Tiffany gets a text from Derek asking her how her day was. The logical thing to do? Tell Derek how her day has been. But no, Tiffany would rather wait half an hour and then reply, but purposely make it sound as if her day was better than it was so Derek thinks she has a really fabulous life. That is, of course, if she does text him back, because she doesn’t wanna sound too needy.

Nope. Tiffany has decided to play it cool, and she tells Derek she just came back from a date with “Josh”. Now she thinks Derek will know other guys want her, and that’ll force him to make it official between the two before it’s too late.

Wrong. Thinking Tiffany is intereted in “Josh” more than himself, Derek gives up on Tiffany and moves his attention to another beautiful girl, and Tiffany’s hopes and dreams are dashed.

These are the only kinds of games I want to see people playing. Specifically as Mileena.

These are the only kinds of games I want to see people playing. Specifically as Mileena.

Many people make these errors that Tiffany has made; they feel as if they have to play these “games” in order to get what they want, or to not seem a certain way, or for no apparent reason at all. Too many times have I heard something along the line of “I have to wait an hour before I reply to him” or “I’ll start flirting with one of her friends to make her jealous”. What you don’t realise is that you’re playing a game of chance here, and while your intended outcome may come true, the same could be said about the completely opposite outcome, and you could wind up bitter and alone because you decided to go with “logic” instead of what you truly feel.

If you think it’s too crazy to reply to someone straight away, get over yourself. Just do it. No one but yourself is holding you back from typing in a quick message and tapping “Send”. In fact, I can sure as hell testify that I would much prefer a reply as soon as possible as opposed to one that’s been timed out and planned. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Think of it this way: if you are hungry, you’d go and grab something to eat to quench that hunger, right? Well, if you want to see someone, why are you stopping yourself from doing so “just in case”? You wouldn’t grab a sandwich and be like “Oh, people will think I’m fat if I eat this despite being really hungry, so I guess I’ll just leave it”. Why are you doing that to your love life? You’re essentially blocking your love life from eating a bloody sandwich when it’s hungry. For shame! FOR ABSOLUTE SHAME.

My point is this: do what you feel like, regardless of the consequences. Don’t think about the destination; focus on the journey. It’s a more open, honest way of communication with your desired loved one and we all know and can appreciate that honesty and trust are two of the best things that a true relationship can have.

Don’t play these games anymore. The only games you should be playing are on Playstation or Xbox or Nintendo. Or PC. Or any other video gaming console I may have forgotten to mention.

GROW UP.

Now if you’ll excuse me, all this talk about bloody sandwiches has made me want a sandwich.

Happy dating everyone!

– by Noah La’ulu

Black Widow Predicts Wrestlemania 31

It’s my favourite time of the year! Even moreso than my birthday, Christmas, and the one night a girl gets to dress like a total slut and no one can say anything about it.

Introducing Wrestlemania 31, the first Wrestlemania pay-per-view I’ll get to watch on my WWE Network account (which you can get for just $9.99) and roughly my 13th Wrestlemania I’ve ordered and watched live. Aptly named the greatest spectacle of sports entertainment in the world, this year will see the WWE debut of legend Sting, the first championship bout for the ever-controversial Roman Reigns, and the Wrestlemania debut for the greatest thing to happen to women’s wrestling in years, Paige.

But seriously, why is Nikki Bella's face not on this poster?

But seriously, why is Nikki Bella’s face not on this poster?

In no particular order, here are my predictions for each of the matches:

Pre-show
Fatal 4-Way Tag Team Title Match
Tyson Kidd and Cesaro (C) (w/ Natalya) vs. The Usos (w/ Naomi) vs. Big E and Kofi Kingston (w/ Xavier Woods) vs. Los Matadores (w/ El Torito)
Winner: Tyson Kidd and Cesaro retain
I think this one’s a given. Kidd and Cesaro are the most technically sound tag team in recent years and all the momentum is going their way. Plus, I don’t see them dropping the titles soon. I’m going for a Natalya interference for the sneaky victory.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
AKA the match used as an excuse to make sure every superstar is on the card
Winner: Damien Mizdow… or Sandow, whatever he’s using
The stunt double gimmick has worked wonders for Sandow’s career and he’s made it into his thing. I see Sandow and The Miz as the last two in the ring and Miz ordering Sandow out, but Sandow swerves and eliminates him to a huge ovation from the crowd.

Main Card
Singles Match
Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins (w/ J&J Security)
Winner: Randy Orton
As much as I want Seth Rollins to win, I don’t see that happening. Randy Orton has come back with a vengeance and it’d make all the sense in the world for him to get his revenge by beating The Architect on the grandest stage of them all. Expect some backfired J&J Security interference.

7-man Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Championship
Bad News Barrett (C) vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Daniel Bryan vs. R-Truth vs. Stardust vs. Luke Harper
Winner: Daniel Bryan
So the man who turned last year’s Wrestlemania into HIS show has been “demoted” to an Intercontinental title match, but even still, I see Bryan winning this one. I mean, people can’t get enough of his Cinderella-ness and, well, I love him.

Divalicious Tag Team Match
The Bella Twins vs. Paige and AJ Lee
Winner: Paige and AJ Lee
There’s no secret that the Bellas are the backstage darlings of the WWE, and the face of the Divas division, but the outcasts sometimes known as PaiJ are the babyfaces and will come out victorious in this one. If recent reports of a changing Divas division are to be believed, expect a great match between the Fantastic Four.

Singles Match
Bray Wyatt vs. The Undertaker
Winner: The Undertaker
This one’s hard to call. I mean, I’m expecting an Undertaker win, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Undertaker lost to put over the “new face of fear” in Bray Wyatt. The streak’s already been broken so there’s no real breathtaking hype to this one. Undertaker to win via all his finishers… performed at least twice each.

Singles Match for the United States Championship
Rusev (C) w/ Lana vs. John Cena
Winner: John Cena
This one is too easy to call. Rusev’s never been pinned or submitted. John Cena is Superman. Superman will overcome the odds and be the first to pin Rusev or make him submit on the grandest stage of them all. I hope Lana’s there.

Singles Match
Sting vs. Triple H
Winner: Sting
Say what you want about Triple H, but he will put over a talent if he needs to (as made apparent against D Bryan), and expect him to do so again with Sting. Sting is an Icon (and I wish Cole would stop calling him the Vigilante), and in his first ever sanctioned WWE match, he’ll win. No question about it.

Singles Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
Brock Lesnar (C) w/ Paul Heyman vs. Roman Reigns
Winner: Brock Lesnar
If you asked me a week ago who I thought would take the win, I would’ve said Roman. Now that Brock has re-signed, I’m leaning more to the Lesnar side. I don’t think WWE are going to pul the trigger on Roman’s push right now, especially after the “lovely” reception he’s been getting from ignorant fans, so I expect a dominant Lesnar win here. SWERVE!! While Lesnar is down an out, Rollins cashes in and wins the World title. Brock takes a vacation and Rollins vs. Reigns is reborn!

Make sure you get work off, take the day off school or uni, or find a pub playing this event. You won’t wanna miss it!

– by Noah La’ulu

Sex Talk: the Mechanics of a Threesome

No, I’m not talking about playing three-player on Mario Kart 64 either.

Welcome to the first edition of Sex Talk, where we talk about what kind of pastels work well with these boots sex. Today’s topic: threesomes. You know, when there are more than two people in the room engaging in sexual acts.

A friend of mine recently participated in a threesome and told me about his/her experience. After listening to his/her story, I was under the impression that the basic mechanics of how a threesome “should” work may not be as widely known as I expected because the threesome didn’t turn out as well as it probably could have.

Typically speaking, threesomes occur when a couple want to broaden their horizons and therefore invite another individual into their budois. (REALLY hope someone caught that Will and Grace reference). It can be a good thing for a couple to do for a couple of reasons: 1) One might be worried about the other’s wandering eye and therefore initiates a threesome so that their lover can explore someone else’s sexuality within the boundaries of the relationship and; 2) The spark in their sexual relationship may be dying and so having a threesome might revive their sex life and make it that much better for all parties involved.

Despite its sexual nature, this picture's still kinda cute. (SOURCE: Image by © Ben Welsh/zefa/Corbis)

Despite its sexual nature, this picture’s still kinda cute. Like, look at their serious faces. (SOURCE: Image by © Ben Welsh/zefa/Corbis)

But the question remains: what should and shouldn’t you do in a threesome? To make it easier for you to read, I’m going to break it down into two parts: the couple and the third wheel, so if you fit into either category, you can easily locate what you probs can and can’t do. Featuring The Charge and The Lover (The Couple), and the Third Wheel (the other person).

The Couple (The Charge and the Lover)
DO set some ground rules for the threesome. Stick to something you feel comfortable about. For example, The Charge could be comfortable with The Lover performing sexual acts with the Third Wheel, but not with kissing.
DON’T get jealous of your lover getting intimate with the Third Wheel. If those feelings arise, a threesome is definitely not the thing for you to re-spark your sex life. May I suggest dressing up as Batman and Catwoman and chasing each other around the room?
DO communicate with The Lover and the Third Wheel during the threesome to find out what you like/dislike and what they like/dislike.
DON’T treat a threesome as a competition with the Third Wheel. You are not racing to see who can please The Lover the most. What happens if you lose, hmmmmmm?
DO interact with both The Lover and the Third Wheel. I mean, you might as well since they’re there. No one person should be the main focus point of this sexual activity.
DON’T focus your attention on one person (either The Lover or the Third Wheel). That’s when shit hits the fan. DO find an open-minded Third Wheel to participate with.
DON’T find a Third Wheel who you know. Third Wheels should ideally be someone you don’t know so no one gets attached to anyone they shouldn’t be. And no awkward moments happen when you see your mate the next day and you say “Hey I really like that thing you did with your back last night. See you at work!”

The Third Wheel
DO respect the boundaries of The Couple. You are there solely to accommodate the needs of The Charge and The Lover. Don’t make this about yourself.
DON’T intrude too much. If you find The Couple are a bit more reserved than you thought, maybe it’s a good idea for you to sit back and watch and wait. They may need to loosen up a bit more.
DO pay equal amounts of attention to The Charge and The Lover. It’s sweet and complimentary.
DON’T complain or demand something. There is no way of putting this nicely. You are there as a piece of meat. No one is getting attached to you in any kind of romantic way, so don’t demand a cuddle or a cigarette because when your job is done, it’s done.
DO explore your sexuality. Use this as an opportunity to experiment and find out what you like and don’t like. You might find that threesomes aren’t your thing, and at least you learned that firsthand, right?
DON’T try and outperform either The Charge or The Lover. Just don’t.

If you have any other sex topics you would like discussed on Widow’s Lure, feel free to contact us via e-mail. Throw us a message with “Sex Talk” in the subject line to info@widowslure.com. Here’s to a happy threesome!

– by Noah La’ulu

The Lazy-asses guide to losing weight: the diet edition

This lazy-asses guide is that lazy, it’s taken over a month to come out!

If you haven’t read The Lazy-asses guide to losing weight: the workout edition, I suggest you read that first before delving into the diet edition.

The greater proportion of losing weight is unfortunately in the diet. That means that no matter how much you workout, you can’t use that as a justification for eating three bowls of nachos, a cheese pizza and a chocolate brownie. (If this sentence has made you crave said nachos, pizza and brownie, I apologise).

Personally, I love eating. Food is great. Food tastes great. Even being the vegetarian that I am, I prefer to eat the fatty/sugary non animal products like chocolate, cheese pizza, chocolate, and more cheese pizza, as opposed to the obviously-vegetarian options like… vegetables, and fruit. YES: BEING A VEGETARIAN DOES NOT GUARANTEE A HEALTHY DIET. Just thought I’d get that misconception out of the way.

Because Nikki Bella didn't get that body by drowning herself in peanut butter. (CREDIT: WWE.com)

Because Nikki Bella didn’t get that body by drowning herself in peanut butter. (CREDIT: WWE.com)

The most obvious thing to do to alter your diet and make it healthier is:

Cut out the bad foods
The easiest solution to turning your diet upside down is to eliminate the obviously bad foods, or “substituting them”. Instead of having a midnight snack of chocolate and chips, opt for a bowl of yoghurt with cut up banana in it. On your lunch break? Grab a sandwich and/or a salad instead of a burger and chips. Healthy eating isn’t as bad as it’s made out to be. I’ve actually come to enjoy eating salads as much as I do cheese pizza. And my relationship with cheese pizza is still going strong after all this time.

For me, substitution has played the strongest point of my change in diet. No matter how fit I am or how trim my stomach may get, I will always love eating. It’s just what I eat that plays the major factor in whether I look like Nikki Bella or Peter Griffin.

One thing that keeps me going through my diet is having something to look forward to. That something is my cheat day, which I’ve conveniently placed on a Saturday. It’s like you’re going through a dark tunnel and there’s a light at the end… only for the cycle to repeat itself, but that’s beside the point. It’s alright to have a little cheat day once a week. Just make sure you don’t splurge it. I’m talking waiting-by-the-clock-for-the-strike-of-midnight-and-then-eating-everything-in-sight splurging. Of course, if you don’t trust yourself with a full 24 hours of no dieting, then a cheat meal will also suffice, in which case, yes, splurge all you want in that one meal.

If you manage to substitute your foods, eat a cleaner diet and on top of that, work off your little butt, you will be looking as great as ever. And when you do look that great, you can refer them to Widow’s Lure as your inspiration.

I accept credit card, PayPal and boxes of chocolates (on Saturdays).

Happy weight-loss!

– by Noah La’ulu