Six Iconic Moments of Old School Runescape

Admit it. You loved Runescape as much as every other kid did.

A girlfriend and I have since rediscovered our love for the iconic MMORPG game and have been playing the oldschool version again, which you can find at this link. Since the game has since updated to accommodate the younger generation, I decided to list the things that made the old school version so iconic.

Doesn't this just bring back pleasant memories?

Doesn’t this just bring back pleasant memories?

From smithing your first bronze plateskirt to following someone around so you didn’t have to click your own way to a destination, these are the six moments that stood out to me as Runescape’s finest.

1. Finishing the damn tutorial island
If you are like me – and most Runescape players will empathise here – then you are not content with making just one account. Instead, you want to make several. (Some of my past horrendous accounts include “Daphne Bijou”, “Farah Hilary” and “Angelina Luv”). But what awaits every new character in the game is the tutorial island. Sure, it comes in handy if you’re new to the game and basically teaches you how to survive Runescape, but if you’re on your 50th new character, then you don’t want to be in tutorial island. At all. You have tried to speed through the island, and the other noobs around you are wondering why you are moving at such a high speed, because you just want to get to the nitty gritty, which brings me to my second point.

2. Levelling up at the cow farm
Now I acknowledge that there are probably several other farm-related places with cows you can use to level up, but I am talking about THE cow farm; the one that’s just off Lumbridge where Gillie Goats the milk maiden is waiting with two untouchable milkable cows. If you went somewhere else to level up your new level three character, you’re lying; everyone and their dog came here to start off their battle skills. You could spend hours or even days in this one place, slaying these poor innocent cows, picking up their bones and burying them, and then taking their meat remains to cook and eat. I mean, there’s nothing cruel about eating beef while killing a cow, right?

3. The Wilderness
Remember when it was possible to accidentally wander into the Wilderness and then you were confused as to why other players were killing you? For those of you who may not know, the Wilderness was the only set location where PvP action was allowed. In other parts of the Runescape world, you are not allowed to harm other players. I remember once following some dude who promised to give me Runescape money, only for him to take me to the wilderness and kill me with one slice of the sword. Lesson learned: don’t follow strangers who offer you money in a video game.

4. The Stronghold of Security and its colourful reward
An interesting way Runescape taught its players about account security was through the Stronghold of Security, which was a four level “labyrinth” that consisted of magical gates that you could only pass if you knew the answer to a question regarding account security. Some of these questions would range from “Where can you find cheats to Runescape?” to “Your friends wants to use your account to pass a quest. Do you let them?” (DISCLAIMER: paraphrasing here.) You would pass through the gates while avoiding or battling against the monsters in the labyrinth (these monsters would grow increasingly more difficult the further down you went, so avoiding them was generally the way to go), and at the end of each level came a prize. The prize at the bottom floor of the Stronghold Security? A choice of boring brown boots, or SUPER DUPER COOL RAINBOW ONES.

5. Random events
As the name suggests, these were seemingly random and could happen to you anywhere at anytime. Basically, you could be strolling through the lands of Runescape and then a creature or person would appear out of thin air, offering you some sort of service or gift. If you chose to talk to them, you would be taken off to some other world where you are told to complete a task for a reward. Some of these prizes included Runescape money, a Princess gown and a Frog head. There was no real point to these, unless you’re like me and you desperately wanted the sexy brown short shorts with the long white socks for your character. Which I still don’t have. Tear.

6. The run to your grave
So not everyone is lucky, and sometimes you will get into a battle and come out the losing end. It’s a video game. That’s fine. Respawning is always a thing… except for one small problem: if you die, you drop everything on you besides the two most valuable things in your possession, and you have about 60 seconds to get back to the spot where you died to gather the rest of your belongings before they disappear into thin air. If you had a friend nearby the time you died, you could get them to “bless your grave”, which gave you more time to run back to your grave. If you don’t make it back in time? Well, there go your belongings, and you have to start all over again.

If this article has enticed you to re-join the game, please send me a message and add me as a friend so we can get lost in the Wilderness together. Don’t worry. I won’t savagely attack you…

– by Noah La’ulu

My Wrestlemania 30, according to TEW 2013

I have enough time to pretend to run a wrestling company and run this site. I must be Superman.

TEW 2013, or Total Extreme Wrestling 2013 for those of you who aren’t in the know, is a wrestling simulator where the player can choose to book or totally own his/her own wrestling company. At first, with the default database, players can choose from fictitious wrestling companies with cartoonified wrestling personalities.

If you download the right database, of course, then you can run (or pretend to run) real life companies such as WWE and TNA. Me? I’ve been a WWE guy all my life.

How would Wrestlemania 30 have turned out if main evented by Daniel Bryan and CM Punk? (SOURCE: Miguel Discart's Flickr photostream)

How would Wrestlemania 30 have turned out if main evented by Daniel Bryan and CM Punk? (SOURCE: Miguel Discart’s Flickr photostream)

We all know what happened at the REAL Wrestlemania 30 – Daniel Bryan beating Triple H and then going on to beat Randy Orton and Batista to become the underdog World Heavyweight Champ – but that wasn’t my Wrestlemania 30. In fact, while it had its similarities, it was far from my Wrestlemania 30.

Now, as a way to fill space on my website, I present to you… Noah’s Wrestlemania 30!

Wrestlemania 30 Match card (in order of appearance):
Pre-show
Eddie Edwards wins a 30-man over-the-top-rope battle royal in his debut match
The Bella Twins (Brie and Nikki) (c) defeated Aksana and Tamina to retain the WWE Divas Tag Team Championships
Davey Richards (w/ Satisfaction) defeated Alberto Del Rio and Mike Bennett (w/ Eva Marie) in a triple-threat match
Kaitlyn won a Divas Battle Royal

Main card
Match #1
Randy Orton w/ Stacy Keibler vs. Christian
Ever since costing him a World title opportunity, Christian has had it in for Randy Orton. The two men had embroiled in several unsanctioned brawls and beatdowns and they were finally given the chance to settle their differences at Wrestlemania.
Winner: Randy Orton

Match #2
The Kings of Wrestling (Antonio Cesaro and Kassius Ohno) (c) vs. The Shield (Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins) vs. Brute Force (Jon Cutler and Mason Ryan) w/ Satisfaction vs. The Briscoes (Jay and Mark Briscoe) w/ Audrey Marie for the WWE Tag Team Championships
The Kings of Wrestling were praised when they defeated Ryback and manager Satisfaction for the WWE Tag Team Championships. Unhappy with this, Satisfaction set Brute Force after them. Meanwhile, the Briscoes and the Shield had gotten into their own rivalry and it was decided that all four teams would battle it out for the gold.
Winner: The Kings of Wrestling

Match #3
Dolph Ziggler vs. Cody Rhodes w/ Charlotte
Dolph Ziggler showed why he is dubbed “Mr Steal Your Girl” after pursuing Cody Rhodes’ girlfriend, Charlotte Flair. Rhodes didn’t take too kindly to this and began physically tormenting Ziggler. The two men were given the opportunity to duke it out at Wrestlemania with the devious Charlotte at ringside.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler

Match #4
Kelly Kelly (c) vs. AJ Lee vs. Natalya w/ Blade Hart vs. Angelina Love for the WWE Divas Championship
Kelly Kelly had been a fighting champion ever since winning the Divas title back at the Royal Rumble. Kelly made a tag team pact with Angelina to fight off AJ Lee and Natalya at Elimination Chamber, but soon it was every woman for herself. Alliances were broken and every Diva knew that their could only be ONE Divas Champion.
Winner: AJ Lee (NEW Divas Champion)

Match #5
The Undertaker vs. The Big Show vs. The Miz
The Big Show and the Miz had been arguing over who was going to get the shot at Undertaker’s Wrestlemania streak, feuding all the way from late December to early April. An executive decision was made that both men would get their shot Undertaker in a triple threat match.
Winner: The Undertaker

Match #6
Roman Reigns (c) vs. Novakaine w/ Satisfaction for the WWE United States Championship
Roman Reigns made a big name for himself after breaking away from the Shield, his biggest victory coming when he defeated the seemingly unstoppable Novakaine for the US title. It wasn’t long before Satisfaction had sicked Novakaine on his rival, telling his client to win the United States gold back at any cost.
Winner: Roman Reigns

Match #7
Kofi Kingston (c) vs. Sheamus vs. Adrian Neville vs. Wade Barrett vs. Ted DiBiase vs. Jack Swagger w/ Zeb Colter in a six-pack challenge for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
Kofi Kingston, Adrian Neville, Wade Barrett and Ted DiBiase had been quarreling over the Intercontinental Championship for quite some time, while Sheamus and Jack Swagger attempted to settle their own differences as well. It was decided that Sheamus and Swagger would join the fight for the gold in a six-pack challenge where the winner takes all.
Winner: Jack Swagger (NEW Intercontinental Champion)

Match #8
The Rock vs. Ryback w/ Satisfaction in a Last Man Standing Match
Ryback and his handler, Satisfaction, had been a thorn in the Rock’s side in the past few months. After suffering a loss against Ryback at Wrestlemania 29 in a triple threat also featuring John Cena, the Rock was looking for revenge, especially after the hellish torment at the hands of Satisfaction.
Winner: The Rock

Match #9
John Cena (c) vs. Batista vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
John Cena had been a fighting champion ever since beating the conniving Chris Jericho. After a brutal attack at the hands of Brock Lesnar, it seemed as if Cena had met his match… until Batista inserted himself into the picture. It was decided by the power that be that Cena would defend his title against both men in a triple threat.
Winner: John Cena

Match #10
Eva Marie vs. Lacey Von Erich in a Playboy Pillowfight match
It was only a matter of time for “Red Hot” Eva Marie to land the cover of Playboy. It wasn’t until she began rubbing it in everyone’s faces that Lacey Von Erich took exception to it. The two beautiful Divas had been clawing at each other ever since – even involving Eva’s boyfriend Mike Bennett and Lacey’s cousins Ross and Marshall – and were set to fight it out at Wrestlemania.
Winner: Eva Marie

Match #11
CM Punk (c) vs. Daniel Bryan for the WWE Championship
It was a true underdog Cinderella story for Daniel Bryan. After winning a 40-man Royal Rumble, Bryan kept his decision to himself as he fended off then-rival Cody Rhodes. After stating that he would chase Punk’s WWE Championship, the two ring technicians would collide at the main event of Wrestlemania.
Winner: Daniel Bryan (NEW WWE Champion)

Mine’s A LOT better than the real one, isn’t it?

– by Noah La’ulu

Video Game Clichés = ROFLMFAO

We’ve all seen them, whether we’re conscious of it or not.

For the intense or casual gamers alike, there are so many things in video games that happen so frequently that we’re not even aware of them happening. It’s almost hilarious how our mind doesn’t even register that these things that our minds are so oblivious to, realistically, are impossible.

What are these things I’m referring to?

I’m glad you asked.

Why you so cliche for, Leon?! (SOURCE: Screenshot from Resident Evil 4 game)

Why you so cliché for, Leon?! (SOURCE: Screenshot from Resident Evil 4 game)

Here are Solstice Satisfaction’s top video game clichés:

Health packs, which may also come in the form of food
Your character just got slashed by a sword about 20 times and is now on the brink of death. What do you do to fix this? You grab a conveniently located health pack that is glowing compared to the rest of the environment. I appreciate the thought put into these health packs, but I know that if I got punched in the face by Ronda Rousey, a simple white bag with a red cross on it is not going to help the situation at all. Or, if health packs aren’t your thing, let’s make a quick reference to Gauntlet Legends – which I would argue to be the most underrated game on the N64 platform – where, instead of health packs, they have pieces of meat scattered throughout the world. The best part? When your character eats that piece of meat lying on the dirt, he/she will say something like “Mmm! I like food!”

Double jumping… or pretty much just jumping in general
I don’t know about you, but I don’t do much jumping in my personal life. The only time I can think of when a jump is necessary in my life is when I need to get higher up on the pole I’m about to swing on. Other than that, if a certain area is too high for me, you can bet your bottom dollar I’m not going to jump around to get up to it. I’d find a ladder of some sort like a normal person. Some video games, however, stretch this idea by making it possible to jump… and then jump again from mid air. Just imagine if that were possible. Seriously. Imagine all these people jumping in mid air. It’d be hilarious.

Invisible walls, hopefully a thing of the past
For some reason, you want to read what’s on the back of that vending machine in the corner. You run to it. Hey! You can’t get any closer because there seems to be some impenetrable force blocking you. Congratulations! You have just run into an invisible wall! Seen less and less these days due to the ever increasing video games and open world RPGs, the invisible wall deserves its spot in video game history and not present. Speaking of walls…

Running a marathon, in the same spot, against a wall
I can’t even begin to describe just how funny this is. You’re running your character through the area and you’ve come up against a wall. You didn’t have enough time to turn the character around, so it’s simply just going to keep running against the wall, not actually moving and not actually blasting the wall like a normal person would. I tried running against a wall like this once as a child… it did not turn out okay.

Male protagonists, damsels in distress
I can’t even begin to count how many games I’ve played where you are forced to play a male character and along the way, there is some poor womanly soul who needs rescuing. I don’t know about you but this cliché is mega outdated. I mean, put this way; who would be the saviour and who would be the victim in the duo of Ronda Rousey and the bloke who plays Ron Weasley? Think about it. Girls kick ass too.

No sleep, no bladder, no worries!
Have you ever noticed how the character you are controlling never has to eat, use the toilet, sleep, or sit down? I mean, if you think about it, they’ve only been scouring the lands since about 40 hours of gameplay ago. Surely they’ve got the runs. Or an insane desire to down a Big Mac. But no. Video game characters aren’t really human after all.

Quick time events… but why?
Nothing is worse than watching a cutscene in the middle of a game you’re playing and then realising that it isn’t a cut scene and is in fact a quick time event but because you got too lazy, you ended up missing the quick time action and dying. Maybe that’s just me, but these quick time events – which are basically like interactive scenes and not actual gameplay – are so annoying that I’m sad to see Resident Evil 4 use them a lot. Such a brilliant game tainted with such stupid quick time events.

If you have any other hated clichés, let us know in the comments.

– by Noah La’ulu

Top 10 Video Game Characters We Awkwardly Find Attractive

Video game characters – or characters that are fictional in any way COUGH COUGH – are just that: not real.

Yet for some odd reason, these animated game characters are attractive, whether it be for their appearance, looks, quirkyness or just all around badassness. Most preferably the last of the lot, because everyone loves a badass.

In no particular order, here are the top 10 video game characters that one shouldn’t be attracted to (because they’re not real) but is anyway:

10. Crimson Viper (Street Fighter series)
crimsonviper

I don’t know what is hotter about Crimson Viper – the fact that she has Eva Marie-esque long red hair or her techno suit that turns an otherwise ordinary sassy businesswoman into a spectacular fighter. Also, how sexy is the name “Crimson Viper”. I can assure you that if I ever met someone with that name over the phone, I would assume she’d be as badass as C. Viper here. Let’s also make a quick mention of how her breasts hang so casually from her otherwise conservative outfit. And her midriff which shows her well toned stomach.

9. Nathan Drake (Uncharted series)
nathandrake

It shouldn’t take one long to realise why Nathan Drake is on this list; he is almost the quintessential male action hero. He’s tall, big, strong with rugged manly features, has an uncanny ability to stay alive even in the most dangerous situations, and a certain charm to him that would make even the most headstrong woman (or man) flutter their eyes. Can we also just take a second and appreciate his man scarf? Only Nathan Drake could pull something off like that.

8. Morrigan Aensland (Darkstalker series)
morriganaensland

If I told you to picture a succubus character, you would imagine a ghastly looking vampiric creature of the night. What you get in Darkstalkers, however, is Morrigan Aensland, who has more than her heart pouring out, if you know what I mean. Not that I’ve ever seen anyone with a light shade of green to their hair, but I think Morrigan pulls it off well, along with her bat-print leggings. Oh, and the bat wings growing out of her head. I bet you didn’t even notice that until now.

7. Joel (Last of Us)
joellastofus

If there is one outstanding feature about this man’s man who resembles a more rugged, post-apocalyptic George Clooney, it’s his unwavering loyalty to his travelling companion Ellie. He is willing to put his life on the line for a little girl who he wouldn’t have known from a bar of soap previously, and is also willing to keep the zombiepocalypse going if it means keeping her alive. Don’t even get me started on when he refers to Ellie as “baby girl”. It hurts too much.

6. Juliet Starling (Lollipop Chainsaw)
julietstarling

If you don’t find a zombie hunting cheerleader with a chainsaw as weapon of choice and a decapitated head as a boyfriend attractive, there must be something wrong with you. Juliet is everything a regular zombie hero isn’t: bright, happy and slightly naive. She makes up for her limited weaknesses with being ridiculously cute (“Don’t be racist against cows, Nick!”) and for filling out a high school cheerleader outfit so well.

5. Ellis (Left 4 Dead 2)
ellisl4d2
My friend described Ellis’ looks very well when she compared him to Chace Crawford. Ellis isn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree but his innocent view on the world combined with his boy-next-door good looks make him the ideal partner in any zombiepocalypse situation. Hell, even if there wasn’t a zombiepocalypse and you just wanted someone to hang out with – and stare at – Ellis is your man. How could you say no to that face?

4. Sonya Blade (Mortal Kombat series)
sonyablade
Every man and same-gender-attracted female appreciates a good pair of legs on a woman. Imagine if that woman’s legs were so strong that she could pick someone up in a handstand and split their body in half. Well, the only woman I know who can do that is Sonya Blade, MK’s resident army brat. Not only could Sonya dazzle you with her all-American girl beauty and tight leather pants, she could also save your ass if you were cornered in a dark alley by a group of King hitters. And she could do it with just one blown kiss.

3. Norman Jayden (Heavy Rain)
normanjayden

While others would argue that fellow Heavy Rain castmate Ethan Mars is more attractive, one can not look past Norman Jayden’s RIDICULOUSLY cute accent which makes it sound like he’s pronouncing his name “Nah-men”. He’s the cop you want on your side if you ever get in a pickle and you need someone to help you out. He’s also so dedicated to saving Ethan’s son that he’s willing to risk his life for it. What isn’t to love about a man who’s putting his life on the line for a kid he doesn’t know?

2. Lara Croft (Tomb Raider series)
laracroft

You cannot put “hot” and “video game character” in the same sentence without mentioning Lara Croft, who is arguably the world’s greatest female video game character. Lara is the original (and female version of) Nathan Drake: badass traveller with a knack of avoiding death and getting into mysterious locations and dangerous situations. I mean, come on, the girl learned to survive as a teenager all by herself, all the while keeping her tight body and beautiful British accent. And yes, one cannot go on without mentioning her large bust.

1. Chris Redfield (Resident Evil series)
chrisredfield

One usually thinks “I wish a man like Chris Redfield were real”. Well there’s no one even close. That’s how perfect this man is. He’s big, strong, loyal to his friends and family, a good charmer with a dedication to his work. He’s also willing to travel across the world to save his sister. And look at those biceps of his; I bet he could give the Hulk a run for his money when it comes to bench pressing. Chris is the right example of an action hero and is what all action heroes should aspire to be… and should aspire their chests and arms to be that big also.

If you’re all hot and flustered after reading that list, then you are now “one of us”. Welcome. We will treat you well.

– by Noah La’ulu