#SayNoToDating2015 March Update

Three months and counting. Soz to all the people waiting in line to date me.

It’s only fitting that after a stellar Wrestlemania 31, that I make this not-so-subtle wrestling reference: IT’S TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAME. But, in relationships and dating, it is not time to play the game. Ever.

Meet Tiffany*. She is a bright, bubbly and beautiful young woman who has met a handsome, funny guy named Derek*. They’re both into each other and they are both aware that the other feels the same way. Except Tiffany feels the need to plan and schedule every interaction she has with him.

DING!

Tiffany gets a text from Derek asking her how her day was. The logical thing to do? Tell Derek how her day has been. But no, Tiffany would rather wait half an hour and then reply, but purposely make it sound as if her day was better than it was so Derek thinks she has a really fabulous life. That is, of course, if she does text him back, because she doesn’t wanna sound too needy.

Nope. Tiffany has decided to play it cool, and she tells Derek she just came back from a date with “Josh”. Now she thinks Derek will know other guys want her, and that’ll force him to make it official between the two before it’s too late.

Wrong. Thinking Tiffany is intereted in “Josh” more than himself, Derek gives up on Tiffany and moves his attention to another beautiful girl, and Tiffany’s hopes and dreams are dashed.

These are the only kinds of games I want to see people playing. Specifically as Mileena.

These are the only kinds of games I want to see people playing. Specifically as Mileena.

Many people make these errors that Tiffany has made; they feel as if they have to play these “games” in order to get what they want, or to not seem a certain way, or for no apparent reason at all. Too many times have I heard something along the line of “I have to wait an hour before I reply to him” or “I’ll start flirting with one of her friends to make her jealous”. What you don’t realise is that you’re playing a game of chance here, and while your intended outcome may come true, the same could be said about the completely opposite outcome, and you could wind up bitter and alone because you decided to go with “logic” instead of what you truly feel.

If you think it’s too crazy to reply to someone straight away, get over yourself. Just do it. No one but yourself is holding you back from typing in a quick message and tapping “Send”. In fact, I can sure as hell testify that I would much prefer a reply as soon as possible as opposed to one that’s been timed out and planned. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Think of it this way: if you are hungry, you’d go and grab something to eat to quench that hunger, right? Well, if you want to see someone, why are you stopping yourself from doing so “just in case”? You wouldn’t grab a sandwich and be like “Oh, people will think I’m fat if I eat this despite being really hungry, so I guess I’ll just leave it”. Why are you doing that to your love life? You’re essentially blocking your love life from eating a bloody sandwich when it’s hungry. For shame! FOR ABSOLUTE SHAME.

My point is this: do what you feel like, regardless of the consequences. Don’t think about the destination; focus on the journey. It’s a more open, honest way of communication with your desired loved one and we all know and can appreciate that honesty and trust are two of the best things that a true relationship can have.

Don’t play these games anymore. The only games you should be playing are on Playstation or Xbox or Nintendo. Or PC. Or any other video gaming console I may have forgotten to mention.

GROW UP.

Now if you’ll excuse me, all this talk about bloody sandwiches has made me want a sandwich.

Happy dating everyone!

– by Noah La’ulu

Sex Talk: the Mechanics of a Threesome

No, I’m not talking about playing three-player on Mario Kart 64 either.

Welcome to the first edition of Sex Talk, where we talk about what kind of pastels work well with these boots sex. Today’s topic: threesomes. You know, when there are more than two people in the room engaging in sexual acts.

A friend of mine recently participated in a threesome and told me about his/her experience. After listening to his/her story, I was under the impression that the basic mechanics of how a threesome “should” work may not be as widely known as I expected because the threesome didn’t turn out as well as it probably could have.

Typically speaking, threesomes occur when a couple want to broaden their horizons and therefore invite another individual into their budois. (REALLY hope someone caught that Will and Grace reference). It can be a good thing for a couple to do for a couple of reasons: 1) One might be worried about the other’s wandering eye and therefore initiates a threesome so that their lover can explore someone else’s sexuality within the boundaries of the relationship and; 2) The spark in their sexual relationship may be dying and so having a threesome might revive their sex life and make it that much better for all parties involved.

Despite its sexual nature, this picture's still kinda cute. (SOURCE: Image by © Ben Welsh/zefa/Corbis)

Despite its sexual nature, this picture’s still kinda cute. Like, look at their serious faces. (SOURCE: Image by © Ben Welsh/zefa/Corbis)

But the question remains: what should and shouldn’t you do in a threesome? To make it easier for you to read, I’m going to break it down into two parts: the couple and the third wheel, so if you fit into either category, you can easily locate what you probs can and can’t do. Featuring The Charge and The Lover (The Couple), and the Third Wheel (the other person).

The Couple (The Charge and the Lover)
DO set some ground rules for the threesome. Stick to something you feel comfortable about. For example, The Charge could be comfortable with The Lover performing sexual acts with the Third Wheel, but not with kissing.
DON’T get jealous of your lover getting intimate with the Third Wheel. If those feelings arise, a threesome is definitely not the thing for you to re-spark your sex life. May I suggest dressing up as Batman and Catwoman and chasing each other around the room?
DO communicate with The Lover and the Third Wheel during the threesome to find out what you like/dislike and what they like/dislike.
DON’T treat a threesome as a competition with the Third Wheel. You are not racing to see who can please The Lover the most. What happens if you lose, hmmmmmm?
DO interact with both The Lover and the Third Wheel. I mean, you might as well since they’re there. No one person should be the main focus point of this sexual activity.
DON’T focus your attention on one person (either The Lover or the Third Wheel). That’s when shit hits the fan. DO find an open-minded Third Wheel to participate with.
DON’T find a Third Wheel who you know. Third Wheels should ideally be someone you don’t know so no one gets attached to anyone they shouldn’t be. And no awkward moments happen when you see your mate the next day and you say “Hey I really like that thing you did with your back last night. See you at work!”

The Third Wheel
DO respect the boundaries of The Couple. You are there solely to accommodate the needs of The Charge and The Lover. Don’t make this about yourself.
DON’T intrude too much. If you find The Couple are a bit more reserved than you thought, maybe it’s a good idea for you to sit back and watch and wait. They may need to loosen up a bit more.
DO pay equal amounts of attention to The Charge and The Lover. It’s sweet and complimentary.
DON’T complain or demand something. There is no way of putting this nicely. You are there as a piece of meat. No one is getting attached to you in any kind of romantic way, so don’t demand a cuddle or a cigarette because when your job is done, it’s done.
DO explore your sexuality. Use this as an opportunity to experiment and find out what you like and don’t like. You might find that threesomes aren’t your thing, and at least you learned that firsthand, right?
DON’T try and outperform either The Charge or The Lover. Just don’t.

If you have any other sex topics you would like discussed on Widow’s Lure, feel free to contact us via e-mail. Throw us a message with “Sex Talk” in the subject line to info@widowslure.com. Here’s to a happy threesome!

– by Noah La’ulu

#SayNoToDating2015 February Update

Two months in and my campaign is still going strong. The word is spreading and some are choosing to rethink their strategy when it comes to dating.

This month’s update: should you update your relationship status on Facebook?

The decision that every couple faces when they first start dating – and not just “dating but not tied down” dating, the real one person and one person only thing, because labels have become so complicated in the 21st century – should you bear it all and make it official by becoming official on Facebook, or just leave it to the imagination of all the sad people who take pleasure in looking into other people’s lives?

I'm under the impression that if all else fails, just choose "It's complicated".

I’m under the impression that if all else fails, just choose “It’s complicated”.

Let me discuss the pros and cons of both and help you make up your mind:

Making it Facebook official
Pros

[x] Now that it’s on social media, other people will know to back off your respective boyfriend/girlfriend if they see they’re taken. If you aren’t official, and people don’t know you’re seeing each other,  then others will think that they’re prime pickings, and you can’t really blame them, right? I mean, social media is the only way to really get to know someone nowadays.
[x] If you’re willing to make it public, your partner will think that you’re not ashamed of them and are very proud to show them off, and it’ll make them happy. And happy people just don’t shoot their husbands. They don’t.

Cons
[x] You run the [HIGH] risk of letting everyone butt their noses into your private life, and your relationship between two people has turned into a relationship with everyone you’re friends with on Facebook.
[x] If the relationship turns sour and you break things off, you have to go through the awkward phase of waiting it out a bit before you change your status to single, and then everyone will want to know why and throw their fake sympathy towards you even though they just really want to know what happened. THIS IS THE WORLD WE LIVE IN NOW.

If you have the time to look into other people's relationships, you have the time to read this article.

If you have the time to look into other people’s relationships, you have the time to read this article.

Keeping it off Facebook
Pros

[x] You get to keep your relationship to yourself. No one butting in, no unnecessary commentary, nothing. You and your partner can be all by yourselves.
[x] You don’t run the risk of making it public too soon and effectively making it hella awks, because you never know when your partner is completely comfortable with going public.

Cons
[x] Bitches tryna steal yo’ lover.
[x] You don’t have to go through the awkard moment of changing the relationship status back to single if god forbid the relationship doesn’t work out. And no one will be none the wiser.

The main point of this is: when two people are dating and form a relationship, what happens in that relationship is just between them. You know the saying “two’s company, three’s a crowd?” Leave your nose out of other people’s business, in other words. If you have the time to poke into other people’s lives, especially people who you don’t even necessarily care about, you seriously need to re-evaluate your life and where you’re going with it.

In saying that, whatever your type of dating method is, date smart. Don’t make me bring the rains of #SayNoToDating2015 on you for being stupid.

That is all.

– by Noah La’ulu

The Black Widow’s Bucket List

In celebration of my 22nd birthday, I’ve decided to publish my personal bucket list.

Before I had never really thought of having a bucket list. I thought my life was pretty great and didn’t really feel the need to go extreme and jump out of a plane or bungee jump off a bridge in New Zealand, but then I stopped to think of all the things I haven’t done.

How cute is this movie though?!

How cute is this movie though?!

I haven’t gone travelling (which will be rectified later this year).
I haven’t even left this country.
I haven’t been hiking at night.
I haven’t been part of an animal rights liberation protest.
I haven’t stepped foot in a wrestling ring.
I haven’t fulfilled my wildest fantasies.

So by the time I pass on – and if my palm is to be believed, I’m dying pretty early – I want to have accomplished at least 80% of this bucket list.

Alas, here we are:

The Black Widow’s Bucket List
[x] Attend a wrestling class and make a Beautiful People style entrance.
[x] Go skydiving, regardless of how much I hate heights.
[x] Attend an animal rights liberation protest, with my own sign.
[x] Go hiking at night.
[x] Travel across Europe by myself (and hopefully not be that naive traveller who gets their things stolen)
[x] Fill a Ute bed wtih pillows and blankets and sleep out under the stars.
[x] Abseiling, also despite my fear of heights.
[x] Perform a flash-mob like pole dancing routine OUTTA NOWHERE.
[x] Cycle through Central Park.
[x] Go (country) star hunting in Nashville.
[x] Go on a trip with a fake persona and back story and make it last for the entire duration.
[x] Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
[x] Organise and host a charity fundraiser for the local firehouse.
[x] Go on a hot air balloon ride… despite my fear of heights.
[x] Mud wrestle.
[x] Publish a novel.
[x] Go on a blind date.
[x] Take up capoeira.
[x] Live in a different country for at least six months.
[x] Fly first class.
[x] Dress up as the Bella Twins for a costume party (another person required).
[x] Tell Katy Perry she sucks.
[x] Change the world.

I encourage everyone to start their own bucket list and see what kind of whacky and crazy things they can come up with. A life not lived is not a life I want to live.

– by Noah La’ulu