Sex Talk: the Mechanics of a Threesome

No, I’m not talking about playing three-player on Mario Kart 64 either.

Welcome to the first edition of Sex Talk, where we talk about what kind of pastels work well with these boots sex. Today’s topic: threesomes. You know, when there are more than two people in the room engaging in sexual acts.

A friend of mine recently participated in a threesome and told me about his/her experience. After listening to his/her story, I was under the impression that the basic mechanics of how a threesome “should” work may not be as widely known as I expected because the threesome didn’t turn out as well as it probably could have.

Typically speaking, threesomes occur when a couple want to broaden their horizons and therefore invite another individual into their budois. (REALLY hope someone caught that Will and Grace reference). It can be a good thing for a couple to do for a couple of reasons: 1) One might be worried about the other’s wandering eye and therefore initiates a threesome so that their lover can explore someone else’s sexuality within the boundaries of the relationship and; 2) The spark in their sexual relationship may be dying and so having a threesome might revive their sex life and make it that much better for all parties involved.

Despite its sexual nature, this picture's still kinda cute. (SOURCE: Image by © Ben Welsh/zefa/Corbis)

Despite its sexual nature, this picture’s still kinda cute. Like, look at their serious faces. (SOURCE: Image by © Ben Welsh/zefa/Corbis)

But the question remains: what should and shouldn’t you do in a threesome? To make it easier for you to read, I’m going to break it down into two parts: the couple and the third wheel, so if you fit into either category, you can easily locate what you probs can and can’t do. Featuring The Charge and The Lover (The Couple), and the Third Wheel (the other person).

The Couple (The Charge and the Lover)
DO set some ground rules for the threesome. Stick to something you feel comfortable about. For example, The Charge could be comfortable with The Lover performing sexual acts with the Third Wheel, but not with kissing.
DON’T get jealous of your lover getting intimate with the Third Wheel. If those feelings arise, a threesome is definitely not the thing for you to re-spark your sex life. May I suggest dressing up as Batman and Catwoman and chasing each other around the room?
DO communicate with The Lover and the Third Wheel during the threesome to find out what you like/dislike and what they like/dislike.
DON’T treat a threesome as a competition with the Third Wheel. You are not racing to see who can please The Lover the most. What happens if you lose, hmmmmmm?
DO interact with both The Lover and the Third Wheel. I mean, you might as well since they’re there. No one person should be the main focus point of this sexual activity.
DON’T focus your attention on one person (either The Lover or the Third Wheel). That’s when shit hits the fan. DO find an open-minded Third Wheel to participate with.
DON’T find a Third Wheel who you know. Third Wheels should ideally be someone you don’t know so no one gets attached to anyone they shouldn’t be. And no awkward moments happen when you see your mate the next day and you say “Hey I really like that thing you did with your back last night. See you at work!”

The Third Wheel
DO respect the boundaries of The Couple. You are there solely to accommodate the needs of The Charge and The Lover. Don’t make this about yourself.
DON’T intrude too much. If you find The Couple are a bit more reserved than you thought, maybe it’s a good idea for you to sit back and watch and wait. They may need to loosen up a bit more.
DO pay equal amounts of attention to The Charge and The Lover. It’s sweet and complimentary.
DON’T complain or demand something. There is no way of putting this nicely. You are there as a piece of meat. No one is getting attached to you in any kind of romantic way, so don’t demand a cuddle or a cigarette because when your job is done, it’s done.
DO explore your sexuality. Use this as an opportunity to experiment and find out what you like and don’t like. You might find that threesomes aren’t your thing, and at least you learned that firsthand, right?
DON’T try and outperform either The Charge or The Lover. Just don’t.

If you have any other sex topics you would like discussed on Widow’s Lure, feel free to contact us via e-mail. Throw us a message with “Sex Talk” in the subject line to info@widowslure.com. Here’s to a happy threesome!

– by Noah La’ulu

#SayNoToDating2015 February Update

Two months in and my campaign is still going strong. The word is spreading and some are choosing to rethink their strategy when it comes to dating.

This month’s update: should you update your relationship status on Facebook?

The decision that every couple faces when they first start dating – and not just “dating but not tied down” dating, the real one person and one person only thing, because labels have become so complicated in the 21st century – should you bear it all and make it official by becoming official on Facebook, or just leave it to the imagination of all the sad people who take pleasure in looking into other people’s lives?

I'm under the impression that if all else fails, just choose "It's complicated".

I’m under the impression that if all else fails, just choose “It’s complicated”.

Let me discuss the pros and cons of both and help you make up your mind:

Making it Facebook official
Pros

[x] Now that it’s on social media, other people will know to back off your respective boyfriend/girlfriend if they see they’re taken. If you aren’t official, and people don’t know you’re seeing each other,  then others will think that they’re prime pickings, and you can’t really blame them, right? I mean, social media is the only way to really get to know someone nowadays.
[x] If you’re willing to make it public, your partner will think that you’re not ashamed of them and are very proud to show them off, and it’ll make them happy. And happy people just don’t shoot their husbands. They don’t.

Cons
[x] You run the [HIGH] risk of letting everyone butt their noses into your private life, and your relationship between two people has turned into a relationship with everyone you’re friends with on Facebook.
[x] If the relationship turns sour and you break things off, you have to go through the awkward phase of waiting it out a bit before you change your status to single, and then everyone will want to know why and throw their fake sympathy towards you even though they just really want to know what happened. THIS IS THE WORLD WE LIVE IN NOW.

If you have the time to look into other people's relationships, you have the time to read this article.

If you have the time to look into other people’s relationships, you have the time to read this article.

Keeping it off Facebook
Pros

[x] You get to keep your relationship to yourself. No one butting in, no unnecessary commentary, nothing. You and your partner can be all by yourselves.
[x] You don’t run the risk of making it public too soon and effectively making it hella awks, because you never know when your partner is completely comfortable with going public.

Cons
[x] Bitches tryna steal yo’ lover.
[x] You don’t have to go through the awkard moment of changing the relationship status back to single if god forbid the relationship doesn’t work out. And no one will be none the wiser.

The main point of this is: when two people are dating and form a relationship, what happens in that relationship is just between them. You know the saying “two’s company, three’s a crowd?” Leave your nose out of other people’s business, in other words. If you have the time to poke into other people’s lives, especially people who you don’t even necessarily care about, you seriously need to re-evaluate your life and where you’re going with it.

In saying that, whatever your type of dating method is, date smart. Don’t make me bring the rains of #SayNoToDating2015 on you for being stupid.

That is all.

– by Noah La’ulu

The Black Widow’s Bucket List

In celebration of my 22nd birthday, I’ve decided to publish my personal bucket list.

Before I had never really thought of having a bucket list. I thought my life was pretty great and didn’t really feel the need to go extreme and jump out of a plane or bungee jump off a bridge in New Zealand, but then I stopped to think of all the things I haven’t done.

How cute is this movie though?!

How cute is this movie though?!

I haven’t gone travelling (which will be rectified later this year).
I haven’t even left this country.
I haven’t been hiking at night.
I haven’t been part of an animal rights liberation protest.
I haven’t stepped foot in a wrestling ring.
I haven’t fulfilled my wildest fantasies.

So by the time I pass on – and if my palm is to be believed, I’m dying pretty early – I want to have accomplished at least 80% of this bucket list.

Alas, here we are:

The Black Widow’s Bucket List
[x] Attend a wrestling class and make a Beautiful People style entrance.
[x] Go skydiving, regardless of how much I hate heights.
[x] Attend an animal rights liberation protest, with my own sign.
[x] Go hiking at night.
[x] Travel across Europe by myself (and hopefully not be that naive traveller who gets their things stolen)
[x] Fill a Ute bed wtih pillows and blankets and sleep out under the stars.
[x] Abseiling, also despite my fear of heights.
[x] Perform a flash-mob like pole dancing routine OUTTA NOWHERE.
[x] Cycle through Central Park.
[x] Go (country) star hunting in Nashville.
[x] Go on a trip with a fake persona and back story and make it last for the entire duration.
[x] Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
[x] Organise and host a charity fundraiser for the local firehouse.
[x] Go on a hot air balloon ride… despite my fear of heights.
[x] Mud wrestle.
[x] Publish a novel.
[x] Go on a blind date.
[x] Take up capoeira.
[x] Live in a different country for at least six months.
[x] Fly first class.
[x] Dress up as the Bella Twins for a costume party (another person required).
[x] Tell Katy Perry she sucks.
[x] Change the world.

I encourage everyone to start their own bucket list and see what kind of whacky and crazy things they can come up with. A life not lived is not a life I want to live.

– by Noah La’ulu

#SayNoToDating2015 January Update

I’ve decided to do a monthly entry of my #SayNoToDating2015 campaign with my thoughts on cerain things that irritate me about dating in the social media world.

This entry: Snapchat and the way it interferes with a genuine relationship.

If you have the time to Snapchat pictures of your food, you have the time to read this article.

If you have the time to Snapchat pictures of your food, you have the time to read this article.

As a gentle disclaimer, I’m going to put it on the record that I do not hate Snapchat. I have an account myself that I check occasionally and use rarely. If I see something that I want others to see without the added stretch of uploading it to Facebook, coming up with a witty caption and then waiting for the likes and comments to roll in, I’ll just take a picture of it and put it on my Snapchat story. It really is a handy tool.

But like every handy tool, it certainly has its faults.

I use Snapchat mainly when I’m bored. I’ll be sitting in a lecture, evidently not listening, and then take snaps of people and inanimate objects and will label them with their names. Sure signs of bordem right there. When I’m out with friends having a real good time – a genuinely real good time – then I won’t have the time to whip out my phone, load an app and take a picture of it. I’ll be too busy having an awesome time, drinking awesome shooters and just soaking up each other’s awesomeness.

This Snapchat icon really looks into your soul, doesn't it?

This Snapchat icon really looks into your soul, doesn’t it?

Let’s face it: if you’re having real fun, you won’t be Snapchatting it. Why then, pray tell, do people take countless amounts of Snapchats when they’re out in a pub or a club and take annoying ten second videos of loud, irritating techno music going off as an array of coloured lights dart around the club, like we’ve never seen that before. Maybe I’ll pass one snap so others can see where you are and what you’re doing, but countless snaps? Please. If you have the time to take 300 seconds worth of pictures, girl bye.

Moving onto the dating portion of my rant, people who take awkwardly posed snaps of them and their better half with captions like “Cuddling with bae” and “Can’t get enough of him”. We get it. You’re dating someone. Whoop-dee-doo. Why don’t you do what you should be doing and genuinely enjoy their company and be with them and not around them?

Yes, there is a major difference of being with someone and being around them.

If society turns to a “Hold on, babe, let me take a picture of you for Snapchat so people know we’re out and we’re, like, in love and stuff” mindset, then we might as well elect Miley Cyrus to be the Prime Minister of Australia because they are both equally as bullshit as the other.

Here’s an idea, especially with Valentine’s Day looming around the corner. Leave your phones at home and go out and spend real time with your loved one without the added pressure of social media lingering in your minds. If you’re a busy body and you absolutely need your telecommunication device with you, put it on silent or plane mode if possible; shirk away the temptation of telling the social media world for the umpteenth time that, yes, you are indeed in a relationship, and just be with each other. I can promise you that if you be with each other and not around each other, your relationship will be much more healthy.

And, hell, if I see another dating couple at a restaurant swiping their thumbs on their smartphones instead of engaging in menaingful conversation, I may just have to do this to someone:

Y’all have been warned.

– by Noah La’ulu