Weird Dealbreakers: Over Before it Started

For those of you who call it quits for the strangest reasons.

We’re all familiar with the obvious dealbreakers: he doesn’t have a close relationship with his parents, she is a kleptomaniac, he doesn’t have any career goals, she beats up animals for fun… but what about those really odd ones that makes you stop and think, “Hey, I’m really weird”.

Yep. That's pretty weird.

Yep. That’s pretty weird.

So, being the natually curious person that I am, I took to social media to ask guys and gals: “What are some of your weird dealbreakers?” The answers I got were entertaining to say the least. Feast your eyes on another example of the difference between guys and girls:

What guys think…
“If she likes the Kardashians. No. Definitely not.”
“Girls who try to talk dirty during sex but sound awful.”
“Poor spelling and grammar.”
“Fake tan use.”
“Ignoring me.”
“Bad with money.”
“Can’t control themselves when they’re drunk.”
“Calls her father ‘daddy’.”
“If she goes to a concert and doesn’t enjoy herself. Why are you even here?”
“Plays Xbox One instead of PS4.”
“Hates dogs.”
“If she likes rugby league.”
“Calls herself a feminist but isn’t a feminist.”
“Has a Tumblr account.”
“Beats me in bowling.”
“Wears a rash shirt to the beach.”
“Listens to Taylor Swift.”
“If she drinks beer.”

What girls think…
“Someone who tries to share my drink. I’m not down with mouth germs!”
“JEANS AND JOGGERS! No matter how good looking you are – biggest turn off!”
“People who wear trackpants outside of the house and they aren’t going to the gym.”
“When dudes’ lips aren’t chapped.”
“People who wear black shoes with white socks… eww.”
“Any man you can tell spends longer on their hair than you.”
“Men from the Shire.”
“Men who enjoy too much man jewellery.”
“Short stubby fingernails!”
“‘Tribal’ tattoos on people I know to have fully European heritage.”
“The colours yellow or gold, especially in relation to footwear, shirts and cars.”
“Guys who wear jeans with thongs!”
“Guys who seriously say ‘Who’s your daddy?'”
“People who say ‘fff’ instead of ‘th’… example ‘Penrifff’.”
“Guys who wear uggboots or are religious.”
“Anyone who touches their belly button or my belly button. No.”
“If he has skinny legs.”
“Guys who aren’t comfortable with me sleeping in the same bed as my gay best friend.”

And there you have it. I’m so glad I’m not the only one with weird dealbreakers. It’s always refreshing to know there are other weirdos out there.

– by Noah La’ulu

#SayNoToDating2015 April Update

So this update is a day late. Y’all gon’ have to deal with that.

A problem that some new daters seem to be facing, and have been for years on end, is knowing whether or not the guy or girl they’re dating is “the one”. Sure, some date to get to know people without a real intention of settling down with that person and starting that traditional life with them, but there are some hopeless romantics out there to date because they want to find their soulmate. Both of those methods of dating are okay. But I’m talking the latter of those who hope to find true love one day.

Is he or she the one?

Is he or she the one?

How do you know if he/she is the one?

So you’re looking to find that special someone you want to wake up to every morning; the one you want to have kids with and raise them together; and the one you eventually want to die with. But that’s fast-forwarding a lot, and you’re just in the beginnings of a new relationship. You really like the person you’re with now and you can see yourself with them for a very long time, but how do you know?

I like to take it back to a few things:

1) What do you want in a soulmate?
For me, personally, I like someone who I have some things in common with but not enough that we are nearly the same person. I like to have contention with the person and different intersts can do that. I also like someone who can stand up for themselves, and with a strong personality like mine, that may be hard to find at times. I like someone who is unashamedly themselves and is unapologetic about it. I like someone who has their family as their first priority. I like someone who is good with kids. I like someone who appreciates old cinema (Grace Kelly preferably).

Now I’m not telling you to make a cray cray list of unachievable qualities you want your future lover to have, because that’s setting the bar too high and you’ll find yourself disappointed constantly. Find out what traits you really want and can live with for the rest of your life, and if your current lover suits that, then you may have found the one.

2) What kind of person do you want to be?
It’s often said that some people or things can bring out the worst in you. If your current lover is the type to bring out the worst in you, is that how you want to be in the future? Do you want to go to that bad place with children around? Probably not. You want someone who brings out the best in you; someone who inspires you to strive for better; and someone who can make you laugh at even the worst times. As much as you want an ideal other half, you should want an ideal you as well.

3) Do you have similar standards and/or are you willing to compromise?
This tends to be a dealbreaker for some couples who are otherwise perfect for each other. She wants to get married and have kids and start a family; he doesn’t want a bar of it. They’re so in love but neither are willing to compromise. Unfortunately, he or she may not be the one for you. You have to find out if your looking to travel down the same path, because if you’re going down two separate ways and you’re desperately trying to hold onto someone you can’t see, it may become increasingly difficult and will drain you. Of course, if you are willing to compromise and say, “Hey, I don’t want to get married but we can have kids if you really want it”, then all the more to you. You would only compromise such ideals for someone you loved.

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. If you put all your eggs in one basket, and that basket turns out to have a hole in it, don’t fret. Don’t panic. You’re not going to die alone. That hurdle was put in your life for a reason. Something good will come of this.

Happy dating everyone!

– by Noah La’ulu

#SayNoToDating2015 March Update

Three months and counting. Soz to all the people waiting in line to date me.

It’s only fitting that after a stellar Wrestlemania 31, that I make this not-so-subtle wrestling reference: IT’S TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAME. But, in relationships and dating, it is not time to play the game. Ever.

Meet Tiffany*. She is a bright, bubbly and beautiful young woman who has met a handsome, funny guy named Derek*. They’re both into each other and they are both aware that the other feels the same way. Except Tiffany feels the need to plan and schedule every interaction she has with him.

DING!

Tiffany gets a text from Derek asking her how her day was. The logical thing to do? Tell Derek how her day has been. But no, Tiffany would rather wait half an hour and then reply, but purposely make it sound as if her day was better than it was so Derek thinks she has a really fabulous life. That is, of course, if she does text him back, because she doesn’t wanna sound too needy.

Nope. Tiffany has decided to play it cool, and she tells Derek she just came back from a date with “Josh”. Now she thinks Derek will know other guys want her, and that’ll force him to make it official between the two before it’s too late.

Wrong. Thinking Tiffany is intereted in “Josh” more than himself, Derek gives up on Tiffany and moves his attention to another beautiful girl, and Tiffany’s hopes and dreams are dashed.

These are the only kinds of games I want to see people playing. Specifically as Mileena.

These are the only kinds of games I want to see people playing. Specifically as Mileena.

Many people make these errors that Tiffany has made; they feel as if they have to play these “games” in order to get what they want, or to not seem a certain way, or for no apparent reason at all. Too many times have I heard something along the line of “I have to wait an hour before I reply to him” or “I’ll start flirting with one of her friends to make her jealous”. What you don’t realise is that you’re playing a game of chance here, and while your intended outcome may come true, the same could be said about the completely opposite outcome, and you could wind up bitter and alone because you decided to go with “logic” instead of what you truly feel.

If you think it’s too crazy to reply to someone straight away, get over yourself. Just do it. No one but yourself is holding you back from typing in a quick message and tapping “Send”. In fact, I can sure as hell testify that I would much prefer a reply as soon as possible as opposed to one that’s been timed out and planned. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Think of it this way: if you are hungry, you’d go and grab something to eat to quench that hunger, right? Well, if you want to see someone, why are you stopping yourself from doing so “just in case”? You wouldn’t grab a sandwich and be like “Oh, people will think I’m fat if I eat this despite being really hungry, so I guess I’ll just leave it”. Why are you doing that to your love life? You’re essentially blocking your love life from eating a bloody sandwich when it’s hungry. For shame! FOR ABSOLUTE SHAME.

My point is this: do what you feel like, regardless of the consequences. Don’t think about the destination; focus on the journey. It’s a more open, honest way of communication with your desired loved one and we all know and can appreciate that honesty and trust are two of the best things that a true relationship can have.

Don’t play these games anymore. The only games you should be playing are on Playstation or Xbox or Nintendo. Or PC. Or any other video gaming console I may have forgotten to mention.

GROW UP.

Now if you’ll excuse me, all this talk about bloody sandwiches has made me want a sandwich.

Happy dating everyone!

– by Noah La’ulu

Sex Talk: the Mechanics of a Threesome

No, I’m not talking about playing three-player on Mario Kart 64 either.

Welcome to the first edition of Sex Talk, where we talk about what kind of pastels work well with these boots sex. Today’s topic: threesomes. You know, when there are more than two people in the room engaging in sexual acts.

A friend of mine recently participated in a threesome and told me about his/her experience. After listening to his/her story, I was under the impression that the basic mechanics of how a threesome “should” work may not be as widely known as I expected because the threesome didn’t turn out as well as it probably could have.

Typically speaking, threesomes occur when a couple want to broaden their horizons and therefore invite another individual into their budois. (REALLY hope someone caught that Will and Grace reference). It can be a good thing for a couple to do for a couple of reasons: 1) One might be worried about the other’s wandering eye and therefore initiates a threesome so that their lover can explore someone else’s sexuality within the boundaries of the relationship and; 2) The spark in their sexual relationship may be dying and so having a threesome might revive their sex life and make it that much better for all parties involved.

Despite its sexual nature, this picture's still kinda cute. (SOURCE: Image by © Ben Welsh/zefa/Corbis)

Despite its sexual nature, this picture’s still kinda cute. Like, look at their serious faces. (SOURCE: Image by © Ben Welsh/zefa/Corbis)

But the question remains: what should and shouldn’t you do in a threesome? To make it easier for you to read, I’m going to break it down into two parts: the couple and the third wheel, so if you fit into either category, you can easily locate what you probs can and can’t do. Featuring The Charge and The Lover (The Couple), and the Third Wheel (the other person).

The Couple (The Charge and the Lover)
DO set some ground rules for the threesome. Stick to something you feel comfortable about. For example, The Charge could be comfortable with The Lover performing sexual acts with the Third Wheel, but not with kissing.
DON’T get jealous of your lover getting intimate with the Third Wheel. If those feelings arise, a threesome is definitely not the thing for you to re-spark your sex life. May I suggest dressing up as Batman and Catwoman and chasing each other around the room?
DO communicate with The Lover and the Third Wheel during the threesome to find out what you like/dislike and what they like/dislike.
DON’T treat a threesome as a competition with the Third Wheel. You are not racing to see who can please The Lover the most. What happens if you lose, hmmmmmm?
DO interact with both The Lover and the Third Wheel. I mean, you might as well since they’re there. No one person should be the main focus point of this sexual activity.
DON’T focus your attention on one person (either The Lover or the Third Wheel). That’s when shit hits the fan. DO find an open-minded Third Wheel to participate with.
DON’T find a Third Wheel who you know. Third Wheels should ideally be someone you don’t know so no one gets attached to anyone they shouldn’t be. And no awkward moments happen when you see your mate the next day and you say “Hey I really like that thing you did with your back last night. See you at work!”

The Third Wheel
DO respect the boundaries of The Couple. You are there solely to accommodate the needs of The Charge and The Lover. Don’t make this about yourself.
DON’T intrude too much. If you find The Couple are a bit more reserved than you thought, maybe it’s a good idea for you to sit back and watch and wait. They may need to loosen up a bit more.
DO pay equal amounts of attention to The Charge and The Lover. It’s sweet and complimentary.
DON’T complain or demand something. There is no way of putting this nicely. You are there as a piece of meat. No one is getting attached to you in any kind of romantic way, so don’t demand a cuddle or a cigarette because when your job is done, it’s done.
DO explore your sexuality. Use this as an opportunity to experiment and find out what you like and don’t like. You might find that threesomes aren’t your thing, and at least you learned that firsthand, right?
DON’T try and outperform either The Charge or The Lover. Just don’t.

If you have any other sex topics you would like discussed on Widow’s Lure, feel free to contact us via e-mail. Throw us a message with “Sex Talk” in the subject line to info@widowslure.com. Here’s to a happy threesome!

– by Noah La’ulu