It was my main man William Shakespeare who, through the romantic words of Juliet Capulet, said “What’s in a name?” For the lucky ones, their name has some kind of deeper meaning, or a poignant family connection. Blaire, for example, means ‘field of battle’ in old Scottish Gaelic and Nicole is Greek for ‘victory of the people.’ So yeah, I have a pretty cool name, except for when I stop to think about the pressure it puts on me to be some kind of super warrior princess…I wonder what Xena means and if she’d mind giving me a few arse-kicking lessons…
For some unfortunate people-children of celebrities and idiots- their names are as well thought out and deep as the lyrics to Friday.
I respect the desire to avoid naming your kids John and Jane but there’s a line between unusual and downright insane. Just ask Moon Unit Zappa, North West or ‘K’ the little girl who was actually Christened Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii… Yeah. That happened.
Then of course there’s Prince Michael I, Prince Michael II (AKA ‘Blanket’) and Paris Michael Jackson. It astounds me that the genius behind Thriller, Billie Jean and basically every chart topper from 1964-1990 couldn’t come up with anything better than his own name.
I’ve always had a fascination with names but, after sitting in a McCafe and hearing a woman scream at her identical twins named, wait for it, Isabelle and Isabella, I finally cracked it. I instantly messaged a dear friend of mine who is equally as judgemental as me and lost my mind, venting about how some people shouldn’t be allowed to procreate because having a child means they’re going to name it something stupid (harsh, but we know I’m brutally honest). At some point during this rant, a solution to solve World Stupidity and the Employment Crisis came to me; we create a Government body whose sole job is to approve names with a two question interview process.
1. What do you intend to call your child?
If your answer is stupid, like Apple or Pilot Inspektor, you fail and cannot reproduce. If you are successful, you move on to question two.
2. How do you intend to spell the approved name?
If you’re going to pull a Kath & Kim and spell Tiffany ‘Typhphanniii’ you first get a slap, and then a fail.
It sounds harsh, I know, but I’m only trying to protect the next generation from the inevitable mockery that comes with being called Zowie Bowie, and a future of constantly being asked how to spell Jahzzmeine.
Lastly, I don’t give two shits about how many likes you get on Facebook- calling your kid Megatron or Voldemort is as cruel as it is stupid.
Just remember: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me…” unless that word is Kizziera or Loneoxx because there’s a fair amount of emotional hurt going on there.
– by Blaire Gillies