Ten Things The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Taught Me

You guessed it. Another article about the icons of RHOBH.

In its simplest form, RHOBH is a spin off of the popular Real Housewives franchise, showcasing the dramatic lives of glamorous women with more money than they know what to do with.

But underneath the ‘trashy reality’ exterior it has, this iconic show has some important life lessons for all kinds of people. From not being afraid to speak your mind, to ensuring you dress to the nines for a pyjama breakfast together, the ladies of Beverly Hills are full of knowledge and wisdom, and I am going to pass these nuggets of gold down to you. You’re welcome.

They probably don’t look impressed because someone didn’t listen to number nine. (Photo taken from Greg Palmer’s Flickr photostream)

1. Pat the puss
Self explanatory really. Thank you Erika Jayne.

2. Never put your handbag on the floor
This is a superstition I have never heard of before watching this show. The belief is that putting your bag on the floor indicates losing money as it goes right out the door. Now, you will never see me put my Coach on the floor, whether it’s near impossible to hang it up somewhere or not.

3. No matter how insignificant the problem may seem to you, bring it up
One thing that I’m trying to become better at as a human is validating my emotions and feelings; I’m allowed to feel however I naturally feel about a situation. And one of the things that the Housewives of Beverly Hills do well – whether if it’s scripted or otherwise induced – is bringing up their issues to the person who caused it. Whether it’s Joyce telling racist Brandi to stop calling her Jacqueline, or Queen Eileen telling LVP she didn’t appreciate her ‘affair’ being brought up at the dinner table, they’ve taught us that the most foolish words are the ones that are unsaid.

4. You can never spend too much on a bag
Designer fashion isn’t for everyone. However, designer fashion is definitely for me. And whether you’re a Kyle who would spend thousands on a bag just to flaunt it at brunch, or you’re an Eileen who has a more conservatively priced bag that would potentially draw the ire of Kathryn Edwards, it’s an unspoken rule among the ladies that there is no such thing as spending too much money on a bag.

5. There’s no such thing as ‘too dressed up’ for an occasion
Poor Denise was dragged way out of her comfort zone when she joined RHOBH, because you can only ever be underdressed when attending a function in Beverly Hills (even though she is Denise fucking Richards). Wearing designer fashion and heels to something as simple as a brunch or a protest march is a must, and let’s not forget it. And don’t let some hatin’ ass bitch judge you for wearing glam to a wellness retreat either.

6. Don’t accuse someone of having pretend amnesia
Yeah, Teddi.

7. Always bring a gift to someone’s house for any event
When a friend has invited you over to their home for an event, whether it’s a housewarming or a simple lunch, bring something as a gift. The ladies of RHOBH always take a gift to someone’s house, no matter how small the occasion may be. And for the extra lolz, if you don’t know what to take, take a box of Cadbury’s Favourites.

8. Avoid the ‘M’ word
An entire season was based around Lisa Rinna dropping the ‘M’ word. Do yourself a favour and don’t say it.

9. Don’t bring up dirty laundry at the dinner table
While it’s a recurring theme that all of the best arguments on RHOBH happen at the damn dinner table, one of the best lessons I’ve taken from the latest season was from sweet little Sutton, who kindly advised Teddi Mellentrampcamp to not bring up Denise’s business at the dinner table. And how right you are, Sutton Stracke.

10. Don’t invite a psychic to dinner
For the love of all that is holy, don’t do it. Don’t do it to yourself. The Dinner Party from Hell is called the Dinner Party from Hell for a reason.

Also, in relation to number 10… Allison Dubois, if you’re reading this – you’ve got mf issues hun.

– by The Black Widow

The Evolution of the Mean Girl

These girls are the nastiest skank bitches you’ve ever met.

The “mean girl” archetype has been an integral part of all types of pop culture; they’re prevalent in movies like Regina George from Mean Girls; they exist in books like Caroline Bingley in Pride and Prejudice; they rocked your TV screens like Santana Lopez from Glee; and you probably went to school with at least three of them.

But over time, these characters have evolved from scrunchie-wearing prim-and-proper princesses, to murder cover-up queen bees, to sneaky pink skirt-wearing bitches. And they’re continuing to evolve in recent years.

Today we take a look at the evolution of the mean girl, referring to the specific cases of Heather Chandler from HeathersCourtney Shayne from JawbreakerRegina George from Mean Girls, and Madison Morgan from The DUFF.

Notable mentions: Shelby Cummings from A Cinderella Story, Heather Montgomery from John Tucker Must Die, Veronica from Sierra Burgess is a Loser,

Mean Girls chilling in the fr-fr-fr-fr-fr-fr-fr (Photo taken from Juanjo Cristiani’s Flickr photostream)

Probably the first notorious mean girl in cinematic history, Heather Chandler ruled her group with an iron fist and a bright red scrunchie. While fashion and trends were different back in 1989, Heather Chandler’s style still had a very sophisticated look about it: with a plaid blazer, pleated skirt, high-collared button up shirt and brooch, this gave the vibe of wealth and class, even though you knew that Heather got up to no good despite the public image she portrayed. Heather was probably one of the first examples of the mean girl stereotype of being extremely wealthy. I mean, only rich people would play croquet in their backyard, right?

Furthermore to this, it would make sense that after Veronica accidentally vomited on her, Heather’s ultimate threat was to ruin her reputation because she was so concerned about her own. This would start the trend of mean girls being in control; they knew they had a certain public image to portray to the world, and they would do anything to keep it. And apparently, anything to break someone else’s if they dare cross them.

Fast forward ten years later and we were introduced to the needlessly cruel Courtney Shayne from Jawbreaker. While mainstream media often portrays the Queen Bee of the mean girls as blonde, Courtney ruled with terror with her signature dark hair. While Courtney’s style could be compared to that of Heather Chandler – with the innocent looking cardigan and signature colour of red – Courtney had a more sexy twist to it, with her dresses being more form fitting and low cut.

If Heather was conscious of her public image, then Courtney was deadly in control of hers. Never one to show any emotion or break down at the slightest hint of a threat to her image (well, until the very last scene of the movie at least), Courtney always kept her calm and poise even when faced with hurled insults from Fern Mayo or Julie Freeman; she even ends up trumping them. Her being in control was even referenced by Marcie Fox; something that would be apparent by the fact that Courtney didn’t eat in front of others because that would mean that she shits like normal people. Courtney always got the last laugh (again, minus the ending), and if that doesn’t go to show you how in control this mean girl was, I don’t know what will.

Five years later and we were greeted with the scum-sucking roadwhore known as Regina George. If Courtney took Heather’s proper and trendy look and sexualised it, then Regina took Courtney’s look and sexualised it even more. The skirts and dresses were shorter, and the use of her feminine wiles was very apparent in seducing Aaron Samuels just because she could.

What made Regina stand out – besides her iconic outfits and quotes – was just how manipulative she was. While Heather was more naive and Courtney was more malicious, Regina knew how to play the game; like the film suggests in girl world, Regina did all of her fighting sneakily: she was nice to your face and mean behind your back; she knew how to get at Cady by snagging Aaron just to pretend like it wasn’t her fault the day after; and of course, she was the instigator behind the breakdown of all the junior girls. Plus, if you can make your parents swap bedrooms with you, then you must be doing something right.

A somewhat interesting choice for this article comes in the form of Madison Morgan. While she hasn’t necessarily made the impact that the former three Queen Bees have, Madison represents the contemporary mean girl. Heather, Courtney and Regina showed their style in predominantly skirts, dresses and other typically girlie attire; Madison ushered in a more edgier look for the mean girl with leather jackets and jeans.

Madison had traits of some of the aforementioned mean girls – extremely pretty, glamorous, manipulative; just to name a few – but what stood out to me about Madison was how territorial she was. She didn’t particularly care about Wesley, until he started spending time with Bianca, and then all of a sudden he was her entire world and no one could touch him. She even went as far as to post a humiliating video online of Bianca to ensure that her property was hers.

Mean girls come in all different forms, ranging from the pink wearing princess, to the vivacious cheerleader, to the straight up bitch. But it’s important to remember that under their tough exteriors is an insecure girl crying for help to those around her.

Just kidding. They’re just bitches.

– by The Black Widow

Seven Questions I Have for Love Island: The Game – Season Two

Be prepared for my favourite season ever!

After posing some questions about Love Island: The Game Season One, I’m very excited to put forward some questions about my personal favourite season.

While season one was my introduction to this amazing game, season two managed to double the fun, double the drama, and just top what I thought was an un-toppable season.

The characters were more relatable, the season was almost twice as long, there was even more drama than #Cherrygate could dare dream of, and the avatar artwork was a whole lot better, meaning Tygress could be even cuter than before!

The beautiful characters of Love Island Game: Season Two (my Gary’s the cute blond one on the left… isn’t he adorable?!)

I have already played through this season twice and am now on my third playthrough (ended up with Gary first, ended up with Jakub second), and this doesn’t even include playing through the season for my #NikkiPlaysLoveIsland live streaming series. That should give you an idea of how awesome this season is.

But if I had questions about season one, then you best bet I have questions for season two.

SPOILERS AHEAD! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

1. Why are we still playing as a fit female?
Come on Fusebox. Come on.

2. Why is Gary so perfect?
I have never experienced a love like the one that me and Gary shared… oh sorry, I meant that Tygress and Gary shared. To me, he was the most human of the characters, and coupled with his cheeky sense of humour and his bulging biceps, I was just completely enamoured with him. If I needed any more reason to love him, the story he shared about growing up as an insecure boy who became unhealthily obsessed with working out and had to seek therapy and help for his problem just made me fall in love with him even more… oh sorry, I meant made Tygress fall in love with him. In short, Gary Rennell is perfection, and I will not hear otherwise.

3. Why is Hope such a snivelling little bitch and why are we expected to put up with her shit?
I’m an avid participant of the Fusebox Games Reddit so I can share my feelings towards Love Island: The Game with other fanatics. A popular opinion among the group is that everybody hates Hope. There is no redeeming quality about her; if you choose to pair up with Noah at the beginning, she just snakes him off you with no regard for your feelings even after claiming she’s ‘in it for the girls’; she rubs her fake relationship with Noah in your face for the rest of the season; and she tries way too hard to be the unofficial leader of the girls to the point that you want to throw her overboard. Who died and made you Captain Sparrow, bitch.

4. What was the actual point of Casa Amor?
Okay, I get the point of Casa Amor, but what was the actual point? As far as I’m concerned, during all three of my playthroughs, not once was my head ever turned by the fellas in Casa Amor, and the days spent in there were just a waste of time. The guy who had the best opportunity to turn my head (Felix) straight up admitted that he didn’t like me in that way, so again I ask… what was the actual point?

5. What is the obsession with feet and farts?
Come on Fusebox, maybe one or two responses with feet/farts would’ve been funny, but when nearly every decision you get to make has an option to do with feet/farts… come on guys. Come on.

6. Why can’t you let me be a bitch in peace?
In my first playthrough, I was sweet and agreeable to ensure the best possible endgame. In my second playthrough, I was more true to myself, which meant that if I didn’t like the character, then I let them know it. Every opportunity I got to drag Hope, Lottie, Hannah and Priya (only in the beginning when she snaked my Gary off me), I took it, and it gave me such great pleasure when the sad emojis popped out. But even after all of this dragging, they were still trying to be friends with me and going on about ‘girls forever’. Ughhhh. Just fuck off Lottie. You’re not unique and loveable; you are a stupid ass bitch. Hate me and leave me in peace!

7. Why was this season so iconic?
It takes some great storytelling to make the player feel a sense of community among a group of video game characters, but Love Island: The Game Season Two managed to pull that off. From the invention of a new word to fool hunky Jakub (I always went with ‘al dente’), to the hilarious malfunctioning baby cry (waaah… ahh… aaah), every ‘personal joke’ made by the characters on the game made you feel like you were in on the joke as well. Making a player feel that sense of family and community even though it’s a video game is a rare occurrence, and Fusebox have done a wonderful job of making season two this enjoyable.

Now that that’s done, I’m going to get back to my third playthrough where I’m going to fall in love with Gary again and not give anyone else a chance even though I’ve already been down this road before. Sorry Lucas. You’re cute, but not Gary cute.

– by The Black Widow

Let’s Talk About It Ends With Us

Warning: this is NOT a book review.

A couple of my girlfriends had read It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover and recommended it to me. Now, I’m one of those people that will say “yeah I’ll get onto it” and have no intention of doing so, and this was one of those situations; however, when I found myself strolling through my local Dymocks, this book was there and I thought, ‘why not’?

Let me tell you: I should have been prepared for the emotional rollercoaster that was about to happen because Colleen Hoover tends to go from 0 to 200 in a matter of seconds (Hopeless anyone?), but nothing could have prepared me for this absolute whirlwind of emotions.

In short, Colleen Hoover had fucking done it again.

Don’t be fooled by this innocent book cover… no seriously, don’t.

This article won’t be formatted as a standard book review as done before on Widow’s Lure; it will just be an emotional discussion about the happenings of the book, because let me tell you I finished this book months ago and I am still not emotionally recovered from the rollercoaster ride that Lily, Ryle and Atlas take us on.

I don’t know if I’m the only one like this, but when I am listening to a song and see someone, or in this case, reading a book, that song will stick in my head as officially attached to that book, and now You by Lloyd will always remind me of It Ends With Us, and my heart stops every time I hear it because of this damn book.

SPOILERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Discussions of domestic violence ahead. If you don’t feel comfortable reading about this, please do not continue.

Okay, like, wow. Hoover is a wordsmith, and she can tell a great story regardless of the circumstances. But boy howdy was I not prepared for this.

First of all, I thought the title was going to have a romantic tie in to the story. For example, perpetual unhappiness ends with us because we are so damn in love and happy together, or loneliness ends with us, or bitterness ends with us, or any other negative emotion ends with us because we found each other and we fell in love and that bad feeling has ended. At no point during the story did I ever think it was domestic violence ends with us, my newborn child.

I knew that the recounting of her mother’s experience with domestic violence would tie into the story somehow, but I hadn’t pieced two and two together, even after the first time that Ryle had lashed out at Lily. Much like my feelings towards Hopeless where you expect to go on a standard romance story ride, but then out of nowhere, the plot just takes a whole fucking turn and all of a sudden you’re thrust into this world of violence, I sat by and idly watched as this seemingly beautiful love story between Lily and Ryle takes a dark turn, and all of a sudden that predictable ending you thought you were headed to takes a detour and you’re headed into this dark unknown where you cannot see three feet ahead of you.

What makes it even worse – personally for me – was I wanted Lily to give Ryle another chance because I wanted nothing more than for Ryle to better himself and become the man that Lily truly deserved. This goes against everything I am as a human, because my thing with domestic violence is one strike and you’re out; you don’t get a second chance with shit like that. But then there was Ryle who had one outburst, and I was crying because a) Lily didn’t deserve it and b) Come on Ryle! Get your shit together!

Everyone yelling at Ryle to stop fucking up.

I remember discussing with my friends how I felt conflicted while reading this book because of this. There are some things in relationships that I think are unforgivable, and domestic violence is one of them. So how could I as someone who feels so strongly about this feel for someone like Ryle? That just goes to show how well Colleen writes her characters and creates sympathy for someone like Ryle Kincaid.

I loved Atlas, and thought that the love story that he and Lily shared was a thing of beauty. That pure connection that they had was easy for me as a reader to feel, and a part of me wanted Lily to gtfo there and run into the willing and capable arms of Atlas.

But Ryle… sweet, disturbed Ryle… we were all groomed to love him, and I truly did.

In a nutshell, when Ryle broke Lily’s heart, he broke mine, and it’s something that I am still working through months later.

Alas, I was left satisfied in the epilogue of the book where Lily, after finally leaving Ryle because it definitely ended with her and her newborn daughter, was happily co-parenting with Ryle and then entered an ambiguous relationship with Atlas.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, I know it might see like the hardest thing in the world to do, but it is not weak to speak up and seek help. Australia’s nationwide domestic violence assistance organisation 1800 RESPECT are available for 24 hours over the phone (1800 737 732) or Live help at their website. If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 or your nation’s emergency hotline.

Anyway, with all of this in mind, I’m going to take a break before reading another Colleen Hoover book because I know she is going to f me up again.

– by The Black Widow