A Guide to Surviving the Night on Friday the 13th: The Game

Stop trying to make ki ki ki ma ma ma happen. It’s not going to happen.

If you’re a gamer of any kind – from casual to hardcore – it is assumed that you would’ve heard of the asymmetrical multiplayer survival horror game Friday the 13th: The Game. If not, let me quickly catch you up to speed. You’re teleported into the Friday the 13th film franchise, where a bunch of stereotype teenagers are innocently chilling by the campfire before Jason Voorhees finds them and kills unnamed camp counsellor, which causes the rest of the teenagers to run off and try to escape.

In this game, you will either take control of Jason, where your mission is to kill all of the teenagers before they either escape, or the game session times out; or you will take control of one of the counsellors, where your job is to either escape the campsite through various methods, or just hang on until the session ends. Because if 20 minutes runs out, Jason cannot harm you anymore. Ya know. Alternatively, it is is possible to kill Jason once and for all, but that requires a very specific procedure and teamwork. The session can have up to eight people, with one playing the role as killer. And before you ask, no. You cannot choose to be Jason. You’re randomly selected. Be sure to pay special attention the opening scene of any game session, as that may give you an idea of who is playing as Jason.

I prefer playing as a counsellor, but have dabbled as Jason and performed rather successfully as him. So if you’re thinking of buying this game, let me give you tips on how to play it well from both sides of the spectrum: as Jason, or as a Counsellor. Also as a bit of a sidenote, most of my experiences playing as a counsellor come from playing as “The Flirt” Tiffany Cox, so my gameplay experience might differ from someone else’s. But generally speaking, my counsellor tips will apply to whomever you choose to be.

Playing as Jason
– First off the bat, when you spawn as Jason in the creepy shack with your dead mother’s head next to her sweater, what you want to do is teleport to an area where you know counsellors would have spawned. In Higgins Haven, it’s best to spawn right next to the main cabin itself, as at least one or two players tend to spawn near there. In Packanack, same thing. Teleport straight to the main lodge, and you will find a bunch of counsellors there. In Camp Crystal Lake, this one’s a touch more difficult as there is no “main cabin” so to speak, but a couple of players tend to spawn near the archery deck and the garage, so a safe bet is to go there straight away.
– As most horror movies would suggest, picking them off one by one is easier than trying to take on a whole group. If you see a group of counsellors, they can easily overwhelm you, so start off by targeting one who is running on their lonesome.
– Take out the electrical boxes as soon as you possibly can. They can incite fear into the counsellors, but also prevent them from calling Tommy Jarvis, and from calling the cops.
– On your map as Jason, it tells you where the phone to call the cops is, and also where the car(s) and boat are. Be sure to keep an eye on all of these. Teleport frequently between these locations in case you catch any of those cheeky counsellors trying to install batteries, pour in gas, or attach boat propellers.
– If a counsellor enters Jason’s shack, the voice of Pamela Voorhees will alert you. You have two options, although I mostly recommend the former: a) teleport straight away to the shack and stop whoever is in there from stealing Pamela’s sweater, or b) stay exactly where you are and keep an eye on the map, as someone could be entering the shack to distract you from a car load of people about to leave the site.
– While grab kills are much more fun to watch (is that terrible of me to say?), those pesky pocket knives can be a burden to you as Jason. This may be frowned upon among FT13 players, but weakening the counsellors to the point where they can no longer run is hugely beneficial to you. You can then follow that up by straight swinging your weapon of choice and murdering them, or you could try your luck and grab them for the ultimate finale.
– If you’re mic’d up as Jason and choose to play a stealthier option, mute your mic. If your dog is barking or mum is yelling at you to take the rubbish out, the players near you will be able to hear it and can sprint away from you without giving away their location. If you’re muted, then you have a better chance of killing the counsellors. Team this method up with Jason’s stealth ability, and you’re good to go.
– Furthermore, if the counsellors are using mics, listen to them talk to each other. Most of the time, they’ll unintentionally give away someone else’s location, or their current plan of action, so you can fool their plan before they have the chance to execute it.

Playing as a Counsellor
– TEAM UP! You’re placed on a team as a reason, and it’s nearly impossible to skip solely on your own efforts. Work together, and balance out your counsellor’s weaknesses with someone else’s strengths. For example, Tiffany cannot repair to save her life, but she is stealthy and has great stamina. Find a car or boat part, run it to the location, leave it at the vehicle, and alert someone with a “smarter” character that the part is ready to be installed.
– DO NOT PURPOSELY BETRAY ONE ANOTHER. You’re a dickhead if you do. That’s all.
– While staying in groups works against you stealthy wise, it is hard for Jason to pick you off if you stand in solidarity. If Jason picks up a fellow counsellor, quickly hit him with your weapon and he is forced to drop your teammate.
– Try to carry a pocket knife, fireworks and a first aid spray where possible. If you find doubles of an item, pick it up and leave it at a central location for another team member to collect eg: near a car or boat, or near the main cabin of the map (read above).
– If possible, pick a weapon that would be useful to you. There is a reason there seem to be thousands of wrenches scattered in the map, and that’s because they suck. Shotguns and flare guns work well, with the latter also alerting everyone on the map where Jason is when fired. As melee weapons are concerned, you’re in good hands if you have a machete or a baseball bat.
– Communication is key. If you have a mic, speak to your teammates to try and organise an escape plan. If you find an important car or boat part, alert everyone on the team through your walkie talkie (if you have one) and someone may escort you there in case that annoying Jason finds you.
– For the love of all that is holy, if you are being chased by Jason, DO NOT lead him to someone else. Not only have you gotten yourself in trouble, you have now jeopardised the life of someone else. Try and keep him distracted, and if you desperately need help, ask someone to come and help you. Don’t just assume they will want to be on Jason’s radar just to save your life.
– Read each other’s game plan. What I mean by this is if you can see your team are brutalising Jason to the point where his mask has fallen off, it’s safe to say they are attempting to kill Jason. If you see this (and you are playing as a female character and no one else has already done so), run to Jason’s shack, steal Pamela’s sweater, and join your friends so you can deliver the final blow.

I bought this game the day it came out, and still currently play it religiously because it’s that much fun. I hope you can also enjoy it, because it’s worth the money. Especially now because most of the glitches that tarnished the game upon release have gone adios.

– by Noah La’ulu

Character Profile: Colby “Coop” Cooper

To make The Heart Wants What It Wants a bit more accessible and interactive, I have constructed profiles on the main characters from this novel for your entertainment.

It is important to note that these picture bases of the characters are the most accurate physical portrayal of the character out there and not the actual character. Without further ado, here is the fourth and final character profile!

Colby “Coop” Cooper
“The Gentle Giant”

Full name: Colby Cooper, but please just call me Coop
Age: 27*
Date of birth: September 27, 1987
Star sign: Taurus
Height: Six-foot-four
Weight: 244lbs
Hair colour: I just thought it was blond, but apparently it’s sandy blond
Eye colour: Brown
Occupation: Risk management consultant… in other words, I clean up other people’s shit.
Notable physical features: I worked long and hard for this big beard of mine. I’m very proud of – oh, you meant like tattoos or piercings? Then no, I don’t have any.
Hobbies include: If you asked me a few months ago, I would’ve said drinking. But now that I’m a changed man, I like working out and getting together with friends.
One day I wish to be: The most sought-after shit cleaner in all of Australia!
Favourite food: I love all kinds of food. I love a good chicken parmy – because it’s a bloody parmy, not a parma -, I love steak and ribs… oooh ribs! I could go for some ribs right now, with a side of fries and mashed potato… I’ve lost my train of thought… what did you want to know again?
Least favourite food: Not that I hate salad, but I will never understand why people eat out at restaurants and order salads. You can make that at home!
Favourite movie: The entire Godfather film series. Oh come on! Who doesn’t?
Least favourite movie: Marley and Me. If you can sit there and say that you can watch that movie without crying, then you aren’t human. Or you’re a bloody liar.
If I could be someone else for a day, I’d be: Marlon Brando, either when he was young and handsome, or old and the Godfather.
Favourite musician: Jason Aldean.
Favourite song: The Highwayman by Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings and Kris Kristofferson. Did you know that this was the song that made them become the Highwaymen? I guess it’s kind of suggested in the song title…
Favourite book: The Godfather by Mario Puzo… oh don’t act so shocked.
Favourite TV series: Mad Men. Always had a bit of a thing for Jon Hamm.
Likes: I love eating, because you don’t get this damn big by eating a salad. I love spending time with my friends and family… I’m a self-admitted mummy’s boy, and we go on dates every now and then. Hey! I’m a gentle giant! I can’t help it. Did I mention I love eating ribs?
Dislikes: I can’t think of anything off the top of my head, but once I had this client who was adamant that I hadn’t done my job properly, even though I got them out of debt and put them back in the positive. If I wasn’t a calm gentleman, I swear I would’ve punched this moron in the face… oh, I guess that means I dislike stupid people.
Quote to live by: “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” ~ Don Vito Corleone

To purchase The Heart Wants What It Wants, click this link here for several e-book purchasing options.

– by Noah La’ulu

*Age at the time of this novel

My WrestleMania 33, according to TEW 2016

In case you weren’t satisfied with the real WrestleMania 33.

WrestleMania 33 has come by and gone quicker than you can say “Sable deserves to be in the WWE Hall of Fame”. But if you’re looking for some more Mania fun slash shenanigans, then I simulated my own version of WrestleMania 33 on my TEW 2016 simulator. Read below for the results of the show.

Welcome to WidowMania 33!

PRE-SHOW
Pre-Show Match 1:
Smackdown Live – Sami Zayn vs. Samoa Joe
Samoa Joe has had a problem with the success of former Intercontinental Champion Sami Zayn, resulting in unpredictable attacks on the redhaired fan-favourite. Sami has fought back against the Destroyer, and the two looked to settle their differences at the Grandest Stage of Them All.
WINNER: Samoa Joe via pinfall

Pre-Show Match 2:
Raw – Alberto Del Rio vs. Shinsuke Nakamura
Ever since Shinsuke debuted on the Raw roster, Alberto has taken exception to the strong fan following of the Japanese superstar. Nakamura defeated Del Rio in his main roster debut, but Del Rio wasn’t about to let the same mistake happen again.
WINNER: Alberto Del Rio via pinfall

Pre-Show Match 3:
Interbrand – The Fabulous Moolah Memorial Battle Royal
Following the success of the first ever Women’s Rumble, WWE gave the inaugural Fabulous Moolah Memorial Battle Royal the greenlight, the female counterpart to the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Superstars from Raw and Smackdown Live will compete to see who would be the first trophy holder.
WINNER: Nikki Bella from Smackdown Live

Pre-Show Match 4:
Interbrand – The Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
The Raw roster had banded together for this battle royal to make sure one of their guys won the trophy, even with lingering problems between them. The Smackdown Live roster were looking to make sure that both trophies came to the blue brand.
WINNER: Braun Strowman from Raw

MAIN CARD
Match 1:
Smackdown Live – Smackdown Tag Team Champions The Usos (Jey Uso and Jimmy Uso) vs. The Revival (Dash Wilder and Scott Dawson) vs. Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Frankie Kazarian) vs. Breezango (Fandango and Tyler Breeze) in a four-way elimination match for the Smackdown Tag Team Championships
The Usos were the inaugural Smackdown Tag Team Champions, and are now in their second reign after defeating Bray Wyatt and Erick Rowan. The Smackdown tag team division want to put up a credible challenge to the Samoan champions in this elimination-style match.
WINNERS: The Usos via pinfall over the Revival to retain the Smackdown Tag Team Championships; Bad Influence were first eliminated, followed by Breezango

Match 2:
Raw – Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens
Former best friends turned bitter enemies go into battle as Y2J takes on KO. This incredibly physical rivalry will finally culminate at WrestleMania after many backstage assaults and in-ring brawls.
WINNER: Chris Jericho via pinfall

Match 3:
Smackdown Live – Shane McMahon vs. Cody Rhodes w/ Brandi Rhodes
Cody Rhodes feels that Smackdown Live Commissioner Shane McMahon has been treating him unfairly, and took his frustrations out on him. Thinking he wouldn’t retaliate, Rhodes was surprised when McMahon fought back, and challenged him to a match at WrestleMania.
WINNER: Cody Rhodes via pinfall after a distraction from Brandi

Match 4:
Raw – United States Champion Finn Balor vs. Cesaro vs. Sheamus vs. Neville for the United States Championship
Currently the longest reigning champion in WWE, Finn Balor has beaten every challenger thrown his way. Now facing three formidable opponents, the Irish champion looks to retain his championship at WrestleMania.
WINNER: Finn Balor via pinfall on Neville to retain the United States Championship

Match 5:
Smackdown Live – The Wyatt Family (Bray Wyatt and Erick Rowan) vs. Zack Sabre Jr. and Dolph Ziggler in a Steel Cage Elimination Match
Dolph’s problems with the Wyatts looked to hinder him as the numbers worked against him, so he called in back-up in the form of main roster debuting Zack Sabre Jr. Bray now has his opponents trapped in a steel cage with no escape, and Rowan is more than happy to serve his master.
WINNER: Dolph Ziggler via pinfall on Bray Wyatt; Erick Rowan was first eliminated, followed by Zack Sabre Jr.

Match 6:
Raw – Raw Women’s Champion Sasha Banks vs. AJ Lee vs. Eve Torres vs. Charlotte Flair for the Raw Women’s Championship
The Boss has shown a different side of her recently, turning her back on the WWE Universe. After a triple threat match between AJ, Torres and Flair ended in a no contest, Stephanie McMahon declared that Sasha would defend her title in a fatal four way.
WINNER: Eve Torres via pinfall on Sasha Banks to become the New Raw Women’s Champion

Match 7:
Smackdown Live – Ryback w/ Smackdown Women’s Champion Eva Marie vs. Randy Orton
When John Cena defeated Ryback and Randy Orton to become the no#1 contender for the World Championship, Ryback blamed Orton for the loss and took out his anger on the Apex Predator. The two main eventers will finally clash at WrestleMania, with the devious and cunning Smackdown Women’s Champion Eva Marie on the outside.
WINNER: Randy Orton via pinfall

Match 8:
Raw – Raw Tag Team Champions The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley) vs. Avalon (Hugo Knox and Jon Cutler) w/ Satisfaction vs. The Club (Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows) vs. Enzo Amore and Big Cass for the Raw Tag Team Championships in a four-way ladder match
The Dudley Boyz have reigned supreme on their division for the past four months, and with the debut of Satisfaction’s new team in Hugo Knox and Jon Cutler, the Raw tag team division looks to shake up, culminating in this high-stakes ladder match.
WINNERS: The Dudley Boyz via title retrieval to retain the Raw Tag Team Championships

Match 9
Smackdown Live – Intercontinental Champion Baron Corbin vs. Dean Ambrose for the Intercontinental Championship
Dean Ambrose defeated the Miz to become the #1 contender for the Intercontinental Championship, and Baron Corbin looked to injure the Lunatic Fringe and make sure he didn’t make it to WrestleMania. But Ambrose is here, and looks to take the title from Corbin once and for all.
WINNER: Baron Corbin via pinfall to retain the Intercontinental Championship

Match 10
Raw – Brock Lesnar w/ Sable vs. Bobby Roode
When Bobby Roode first challenged Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania, the Beast Incarnate and his wife Sable thought it was a joke. Roode wouldn’t take no for an answer, and got into a verbal war with Sable until she finally accepted on Brock’s behalf. Beating Roode in tag team contests, Lesnar was confident he would make short work of Roode at WrestleMania.
WINNER: Bobby Roode via pinfall

Match 11
Smackdown Live – Smackdown Women’s Champion Eva Marie vs. Paige for the Smackdown Women’s Championship
Eva Marie has managed to avoid the women of the Smackdown Live by using her client Ryback to her advantage, faking injuries, and choosing to defend her title in Bra and Panties matches. Then-Raw superstar Paige won the first ever Women’s Rumble, and crossed over to Smackdown to shut up Eva Marie for good. With Ryback banned from ringside, how will Eva Marie fare on her own?
WINNER: Paige via pinfall to become the New Smackdown Women’s Champion

Match 12
Raw – Roman Reigns vs. Triple H w/ Stephanie McMahon
Triple H cost Roman Reigns a shot at the Universal Championship when he distracted Roman in the Royal Rumble long enough for Seth to capitalise and toss him out. Roman is out for revenge, and the Cerebral Assassin is more than happy to give him what he wants.
WINNER: Roman Reigns via pinfall

Match 13
Smackdown Live – World Champion AJ Styles vs. John Cena for the World Championship
AJ Styles has been a fighting champion, defeating the likes of Samoa Joe, Dean Ambrose, Ryback and Randy Orton to retain his gold. John Cena has beaten AJ before, and challenged AJ to one more match at WrestleMania to see who is truly the Face that Runs the Place.
WINNER: AJ Styles via pinfall to retain the World Championship

Match 14
Raw – Universal Champion CM Punk vs. Seth Rollins w/ Satisfaction for the Universal Championship
After winning the Royal Rumble thanks to Triple H, it was no surprise that Seth Rollins bid his time to strike on the new Universal Champion in CM Punk. With only a short title reign under his belt, the Straight Edge Superstar looks to continue his run by defeating the 2017 Royal Rumble winner in the main event at WrestleMania.
WINNER: Seth Rollins via pinfall to become the New Universal Champion

Yeah. Pretty sure my Mania was better than the real one. Soz Roman.

– by Noah La’ulu

Character Profile: Jordan McMahon

To make The Heart Wants What It Wants a bit more accessible and interactive, I have constructed profiles on the main characters from this novel for your entertainment.

It is important to note that these picture bases of the characters are the most accurate physical portrayal of the character out there and not the actual character. Without further ado, here is the third character profile!

Jordan McMahon
“New Girl in Town”

Full name: Jordan McMahon
Age: 24*
Date of birth: April 24, 1990
Star sign: Taurus
Height: Five-foot-seven
Weight: A lady never reveals her weight!
Hair colour: Dark, almost black
Eye colour: Green
Occupation: Full-time carer for my grandfather Joe
Notable physical features: I have my ears pierced, and I wouldn’t mind getting a small tattoo or two if they had a special meaning.
Hobbies include: I know it sounds childish, but I LOVE playing arcade games! You could leave me at an arcade, work 9-5, come back, and I will still be there. I love spending time with my immediate and extended family, and I love doing cute things with Jase.
One day I wish to be: A mother. What girl doesn’t?
Favourite food: I LOVE Mexican food. Have you ever been to Pablo’s? AMAZING. The spicier, the better. Also, choccy milk. Can’t go wrong with choccy milk.
Least favourite food: Seafood. Or strawbee milk. Who drinks strawbee milk over choccy milk
Favourite movie: Clueless. It’s a must have for every girl’s collection.
Least favourite movie: I can’t stomach horror movies. Blood and guts… yuck!
If I could be someone else for a day, I’d be: Audrey Hepburn!
Favourite musician: Ariana Grande
Favourite song: Bang Bang by Jessie J, Nicki Minaj and Ariana Grande
Favourite book: The Harry Potter series for sure! I’m in Gryffindor and my patronus is a flamingo.
Favourite TV series: Pretty Little Liars
Likes: Playing games, having fun, not taking myself too seriously! I love spending time with my family and extended family, and I love listening to my grandfather’s stories! That man has lived, let me tell you. Also… choccy milk.
Dislikes: I hate conflict! That is not to say that I won’t engage in some if it’s needed, but I think every situation can be resolved without the need of conflict. Plus, it just makes me uncomfortable watching two people fight. Oh, and strawbee milk.
Quote to live by: “Nothing is impossible. The word itself is ‘I’m possible’!” ~ Audrey Hepburn

To purchase The Heart Wants What It Wants, click this link here for several e-book purchasing options.

– by Noah La’ulu

*Age at the time of this novel