Ten Things The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Taught Me

You guessed it. Another article about the icons of RHOBH.

In its simplest form, RHOBH is a spin off of the popular Real Housewives franchise, showcasing the dramatic lives of glamorous women with more money than they know what to do with.

But underneath the ‘trashy reality’ exterior it has, this iconic show has some important life lessons for all kinds of people. From not being afraid to speak your mind, to ensuring you dress to the nines for a pyjama breakfast together, the ladies of Beverly Hills are full of knowledge and wisdom, and I am going to pass these nuggets of gold down to you. You’re welcome.

They probably don’t look impressed because someone didn’t listen to number nine. (Photo taken from Greg Palmer’s Flickr photostream)

1. Pat the puss
Self explanatory really. Thank you Erika Jayne.

2. Never put your handbag on the floor
This is a superstition I have never heard of before watching this show. The belief is that putting your bag on the floor indicates losing money as it goes right out the door. Now, you will never see me put my Coach on the floor, whether it’s near impossible to hang it up somewhere or not.

3. No matter how insignificant the problem may seem to you, bring it up
One thing that I’m trying to become better at as a human is validating my emotions and feelings; I’m allowed to feel however I naturally feel about a situation. And one of the things that the Housewives of Beverly Hills do well – whether if it’s scripted or otherwise induced – is bringing up their issues to the person who caused it. Whether it’s Joyce telling racist Brandi to stop calling her Jacqueline, or Queen Eileen telling LVP she didn’t appreciate her ‘affair’ being brought up at the dinner table, they’ve taught us that the most foolish words are the ones that are unsaid.

4. You can never spend too much on a bag
Designer fashion isn’t for everyone. However, designer fashion is definitely for me. And whether you’re a Kyle who would spend thousands on a bag just to flaunt it at brunch, or you’re an Eileen who has a more conservatively priced bag that would potentially draw the ire of Kathryn Edwards, it’s an unspoken rule among the ladies that there is no such thing as spending too much money on a bag.

5. There’s no such thing as ‘too dressed up’ for an occasion
Poor Denise was dragged way out of her comfort zone when she joined RHOBH, because you can only ever be underdressed when attending a function in Beverly Hills (even though she is Denise fucking Richards). Wearing designer fashion and heels to something as simple as a brunch or a protest march is a must, and let’s not forget it. And don’t let some hatin’ ass bitch judge you for wearing glam to a wellness retreat either.

6. Don’t accuse someone of having pretend amnesia
Yeah, Teddi.

7. Always bring a gift to someone’s house for any event
When a friend has invited you over to their home for an event, whether it’s a housewarming or a simple lunch, bring something as a gift. The ladies of RHOBH always take a gift to someone’s house, no matter how small the occasion may be. And for the extra lolz, if you don’t know what to take, take a box of Cadbury’s Favourites.

8. Avoid the ‘M’ word
An entire season was based around Lisa Rinna dropping the ‘M’ word. Do yourself a favour and don’t say it.

9. Don’t bring up dirty laundry at the dinner table
While it’s a recurring theme that all of the best arguments on RHOBH happen at the damn dinner table, one of the best lessons I’ve taken from the latest season was from sweet little Sutton, who kindly advised Teddi Mellentrampcamp to not bring up Denise’s business at the dinner table. And how right you are, Sutton Stracke.

10. Don’t invite a psychic to dinner
For the love of all that is holy, don’t do it. Don’t do it to yourself. The Dinner Party from Hell is called the Dinner Party from Hell for a reason.

Also, in relation to number 10… Allison Dubois, if you’re reading this – you’ve got mf issues hun.

– by The Black Widow

The Housewives of Beverly Hills: Ranked

You may be surprised to see who is number one.

During this Covid quarantine period, I’ve had to pick up new hobbies and interests; one of those being The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills thanks to my best friend Emilie. Before, I never would’ve seen myself get into a reality show like this, but now it’s become one of my most favourite pop culture things ever!

Who’s the best? And who’s the worst?

I started from season one in June and am now completely caught up to the most recent episode of season ten. I have seen friendships form and explode, drinks thrown across the table, gifted bunnies given back due to a fake superstition, and everything else that a trash reality TV show can provide.

During the show’s 10 seasons, they have featured 18 main cast housewives; this is not including the “friends” of the housewives such as Eden Sassoon and her iconic black wig. As such, Eden Sassoon and the other friends are not eligible for this list.

Emilie and I about to rank the shit out of these housewives.

While discussing this blog post with Emilie, she’s decided she wants to make her own list. So without further ado, here are mine and Emilie’s rankings of the Beverly Hills Housewives.

#18
Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave/Taylor Armstrong

N: Teddi is boring, and her attempts to not be boring just make her even more boring. Also, if you’ve been called a shirt stirrer three seasons straight, well maybe it’s time you look in the mirror.
E: Taylor is annoying and insecure.

#17
Brandi Glanville/Garcelle Beauvais

N: It never seemed like Brandi ever really fit in with the group. On top of that, she just seems like a horrible person that says shit about people and then hides behind the fact that she’s “just being honest”.
E: Garcelle was boring. She hardly showed up this season and started petty drama.

#16
Yolanda Hadid/Denise Richards

N: Not once during the entire show did I ever feel an ounce of sympathy for Yolanda. I didn’t relate to her in the slightest, and I found myself waiting for her to leave the show so we could get onto bigger and better things.
E: I loved Denise in season nine but season ten killed it.

#15
Kyle Richards/Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave

N: Kyle started as my favourite because she was Paris Hilton’s pretty aunt, but over the years, I have come to acknowledge that she isn’t as great as I thought she was, and she’s a schemer, and I am not okay with it.
E: Teddi’s boring and cries too much.

#14
Kim Richards/Kathryn Edwards

N: I sympathised with her struggles and her battles for maybe the first couple of seasons. After a while, I was over it, and if that makes me sound like a bitch, then so be it. She tended to use her alcoholism as an excuse to get away with shit, and the fact that she would always blame Kyle didn’t help her case either.
E: Kathryn was also boring.

#13
Lisa Rinna/Joyce Giraud de Ohoven

N: Someone who would’ve stayed high on this list had season 10 not happened, Lisa was a fun addition to the show because she’s so carefree and crazy. But then she showed her true colours in season 10 to Denise, and honestly what a piece of shit.
E: Joyce = boring.

#12
Camille Grammer/Carlton Gebbia

N: Camille would’ve been dead last had she not redeemed herself over the years. In season one, she was a deadset piece of shit; she had redeemed herself by season eight, just to show her shitty colours again in season nine.
E: Carlton was a witch.

#11
Kathryn Edwards/Camille Grammer

N: I was neither for nor against Kathryn. She was a nice albeit random addition to the housewives, and I can see why she didn’t last longer than one season. Having a private convo with Erika just to rat her out a couple of days later drops her a few spots on the list.
E: Camille tries too hard.

#10
Taylor Armstrong/Kyle Richards

N: Another one I didn’t really have a connection with, although I felt for her when she came out with her stories of abuse and domestic violence, and I’m so glad she’s out there living her best life with her new man now.
E: Kyle is obsessed with herself and is an attention seeker.

#9
Lisa Vanderpump/Kim Richards

N: LVP is a tricky one. I think she’s cool and amazing and glamorous, but she’s also a manipulator and you can tell she created all of the storylines for seasons 1-9 behind the scenes. Erika was right about her. She’s a sniper from the side, and she’s bloody good at it.
E: Kim is a hot mess but who isn’t?

#8
Garcelle Beauvais/Yolanda Hadid

N: Garcelle was a breath of fresh air for the show, and had big shoes to fill as the ‘replacement’ for LVP. Besides the fact that she was the first black housewife of Beverly Hills which was groundbreaking, she was also super funny and chill and was exactly what the show needed.
E: Yolanda was sweet and funny but she was conniving.

#7
Carlton Gebbia/Brandi Glanville

N: Carlton was bloody off chops and I was all for it. This Wiccan goddess attacking Kyle is one of my favourite memories from this show, and we were honestly robbed of more Carlton goodness by only having her on one season.
E: Brandi is a drunk mess!

#6
Dorit Kemsley/Lisa Vanderpump

N: Dorit is arguably the most stylish of the housewives, and is the reason why I am dying to get a Birkin. While I love her fashion and lifestyle, Dorit is notorious for making mountains out of mole hills, and I don’t understand her need for making shit out of nothing.
E: Lisa was a master manipulator. BRING LISA BACK!

#5
Joyce Giraud de Ohoven/Eileen Davidson

N: A beautiful addition to RHOBH that would’ve done better on later seasons of the show, this former beauty queen stood up for herself in the face of racism and bullying at the hands of Brandi Trashville, and I was all for it. Plus, her hair is simply out of this world.
E: Eileen was the realest housewife of them all.

#4
Erika Girardi/Lisa Rinna

N: Another housewife that would’ve been higher up on the list had season 10 not happened, Erika Girardi is the definition of fabulous. I actually live for Erika Jayne and am obsessed with her music, and her no fucks given attitude towards life is absolutely iconic. Just lay off the Denise attacks, hun.
E: She can’t help herself, and she owns it!

#3
Adrienne Maloof/Dorit Kemsley

N: The absolute best of the first three seasons of the show, Adrienne was the only level-headed and normal one of the housewives. She was usually the peacemaker of the group, but that didn’t mean she was boring at all. Plus I just want her lifestyle… chick is ballin’!
E: Dorit’s fashion is on point!

#2
Denise Richards/Erika Girardi

N: Denise Richards was the reason I started watching the show in the first place. A fan of hers from her Dr. Christmas Jones days, Denise took Adrienne’s role in season nine as the only chill and normal housewife of the group. Season ten is the only reason why she’s not in the number one spot, as her shady behaviour was a bit questionable, whether you believed her or not.
E: Pat the puss, honey!

#1
Eileen Davidson/Adrienne Maloof

N: I will not hear a single bad word about Eileen. If Adrienne and Denise were level-headed peacekeepers, then Eileen was a level-headed goddess. Never one to start drama for the sake of it, but never being afraid to speak her mind or bring up something that was bothering her, Eileen was without a doubt my favourite housewife of the entire series.
E: Adrienne was the voice of reason.

Did you have a different set of rankings to us? Who was your favourite housewife? Let us know in the comments! (But just know that if Eileen is anything less than number five, then I don’t want to hear it.)

– by The Black Widow/Emilie

Meet Mrs. Girardi

He’s so excited to meet you.

I had met Mrs. Girardi years ago when I was around 12-years-old, but only recently have I found out his name (he identifies as a male).

To understand who exactly Mrs. Girardi is and what his importance is to me, we have to go back to the beginning…

Please note that the following may be graphic or triggering to some as mental health will be openly discussed. If talks of suicide or hospitalisation is too much for you to handle, then please do not continue and feel free to come back to this post whenever you feel ready.

If you are feeling low, suicidal, or you are in a crisis, please talk to a family member or friend, or please contact Lifeline:
PHONE: 13 11 14
TEXT: 0477 131 114
WEBSITE AND LIVE CHAT:
https://www.lifeline.org.au/.

 

I feel like this edit perfectly captures the two sides. (CREDIT: New Photography Studios)

If you haven’t watched my Takedowns and Tiaras episode discussing my battles with BPD, let me try and give you a brief rundown of what was discussed on my vlog:
– I was officially diagnosed with BPD in February 2018 after being hospitalised due to a failed suicide attempt.
– After talking to my psychologist about my diagnosis and what BPD actually entails, I began to recognise signs of BPD as early as 12-years-old where I would become extremely attached to friends and would break down if I felt they were pulling away from me because of my extreme fear of abandonment.
– Receiving the diagnosis was both a blessing and a curse; a blessing as I finally knew what I was fighting against and now could easily recognise the signs once I noticed them and could equip myself with the tools to combat it; a curse because knowing the signs also meant that you knew when you were “losing” the battle. Having BPD is a constant struggle, and learning to live or co-exist with it is sometimes the only way you can “survive” it.

If you would like more information on Borderline Personality Disorder, please refer to this Help Guide link here.

A couple of months ago, I was talking to my friend Rhi for her podcast (which was a great bloody chat and should be released soon!) We openly discussed my diagnosis with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), why I call myself a BPD Warrior, and how I deal with that not only as a wrestler but as a human in general (it’s tough, but I take it one step at a time and have an amazing support network behind me).

One thing that she mentioned that has stuck with me ever since was when she mentioned that some find it helpful to label that other part of them, or give them a name. Straight away I thought that humanising that part of me sounded like a mistake, but she explained it that acknowledging that part of you as a completely different entity can make it easier for a person to differ your calm, sound self to the erratic, emotional self you turn into when experiencing an episode, thus making it easier for you to recognise the symptoms/signs and stop yourself from having an episode or experiencing a really bad episode.

I sat on this information for a while. It was in the back of my head, because I wanted to give my BPD version a name that stuck.

Now if you know me, you would know that I am a HUGE mark fan of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – the glitz, the glamour, the drama, the glam squads… what’s not to love?! One of my favourite housewives that have been featured during the show’s tenure (season 10 has dropped her down one or two spots but that’s another story) is Erika Girardi, a beautiful blonde housewife to a very successful lawyer, whom also lives a double life as Erika Jayne, a sexually confident enigma popstar with amazing bops like Pretty Mess and Painkillr. The way Erika clearly differentiated between Erika Girardi and Erika Jayne resonated with me, and the way she could easily slip into Erika Girardi, just to turn around and become Erika Jayne was kind of inspirational.

And that’s when it hit me. I had an Erika Girardi and an Erika Jayne in me. After realising that I couldn’t name my BPD self Nikki Jayne (my best friend Nikki Jayne would not appreciate that), that’s when I decided that my BPD self was named Mrs. Girardi.

You don’t like Mrs. Girardi.

Mrs. Girardi is emotionally unstable; jealous; insecure; hyper-aggressive; hysterical; depressed; erratic; manic; all of the above. He will cry one minute, just to lash out at you the next, just to stroke the side of your face and beg for your forgiveness mere seconds later.

It’s hard to explain how Mrs. Girardi comes out. It’s like my sound self will be going throughout my day like nothing is wrong, and then something happens that will trigger my BPD, and it’s as if I’ve been kicked out of my own body and someone else has taken control of it, and all I can do is sit back and watch as Mrs. Girardi takes control of my body vessel and absolutely tears my relationships to shreds with his intense emotional instability. I almost don’t have enough fingers to count how many relationships Mrs. Girardi has ruined over the years, because the second he senses that someone is leaving or abandoning him… well, isn’t it easier to make them leave you before they have the chance to do that by themselves?

I had a friend, and for the sake of this story, let’s say his name is Brendan. We were very close friends to the point that I would safely say he was one of my best friends. I had grown an attachment to him, which meant that Mrs. Girardi had grown an even stronger attachment to him. We had a very rocky relationship due to Mrs. Girardi’s emotional instability, and Brendan tried to stay strong and persevere because he knew that through the stormy weather, my sound self really valued his friendship and we would get along like a house on fire otherwise.

And then one day, Brendan got engaged. My sound self was happy for him and wanted him to have the best of his life. Mrs. Girardi didn’t share that sentiment. Mrs. Girardi saw that as Brendan abandoning him, because how dare could someone have a life outside of him? So Mrs. Girardi did what he does best – he lashed out. This was in 2018 when I was mentally at my weakest, which meant that Mrs. Girardi had more control over me than normal, but I remember it so clearly as if it was yesterday.

I was typing on my keyboard, much like I am now as I write this blog post, as Brendan and I chatted over Messenger. But the minute Mrs. Girardi saw red, he saw red, and he wanted to push Brendan away before Brendan could have the opportunity to leave himself. I distinctly remember everything became blurry as my fingers rapidly typed out really horrible, vile messages to Brendan in an attempt to push him away; this wasn’t the first time Mrs. Girardi had lashed out at Brendan, and each time this had happened, Brendan fought the battle to maintain the friendship we had. But that didn’t happen this time.

Brendan realised he couldn’t win this battle, and Mrs. Girardi had finally gotten the better of him, so he cut his losses. He cut me out of his life entirely, and the heartbreak that I thought I was saving myself by pushing him away by choice came anyway.

It’s been over two years, and I still haven’t heard from Brendan, and I don’t particularly blame him. Those terrible messages will haunt me for the rest of my life, even if I didn’t mean a single word, because they were the straw that broke the camel’s back, and my years-long friendship with Brendan had ended. Because of Mrs. Girardi.

It may seem to some as if I am just making excuses for myself and trying to put the blame on another entity that doesn’t tangibly exist, but I’m not; I accept that my relationships that have been destroyed during my 27 years on this world due to my BPD are my fault and I will wear those scars for the rest of my life.

But I hope that introducing you to Mrs. Girardi gives you a fair idea of what I go through as someone with BPD, and that an irrational outburst harbours so much more underneath the surface than what it appears to be. Underneath it all, someone who is lashing out due to their BPD is hurt. That’s all there is to it. They could be telling you that you’re the worst person they’ve ever met and they want nothing to do with you anymore, but if you can equip yourself with the right tools to handle someone who has BPD, you can successfully read between the lines and see that it’s a cry for help.

Throughout my journey of coping with my diagnosis and equipping myself with my own tools to live with this disorder, I am able to keep Mrs. Girardi caged, and more often than before I can respond to a situation with a calm and sound mind. But Mrs. Girardi is relentless, and will know the right time to strike once the opportunity presents itself.

If you or anyone you know are experiencing symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, I would highly recommend going to see a psychologist, counsellor, or even your General Practitioner for help. And don’t forget that your family and friends and the loved ones in your life will always have an ear for you, even if you do feel like a burden as I sometimes do. It is possible to live with BPD and have a happy, fulfilling life; you just need to surround yourself with the right people and have the right tools to do so. And if you don’t feel like you have anyone to go to, then my DMs are literally always open for anyone struggling with BPD or mental health.

In conclusion, I would like to leave you with these deep and meaningful four words: fuck you Mrs. Girardi.

– by The Black Widow/Mrs. Girardi