Yes, I Am High-Maintenance and I Deserve To Be

Here’s how I turned an intended insult into a huge compliment.

For those that know me well, then you would already know the fact presented to you in the headline. And for those of you who don’t, let me catch you up to speed in the quickest way possible… I am precious: I physically cannot stay at hostels (3.5 stars are my absolute minimum for accommodation); if you don’t reply to my message within five minutes, I’ll be the first to complain about it, and will effortlessly flood your phone or inbox with messages until you do; unless it is cosplay or pop culture accessories (love my Harley Quinn Puddin’ choker), I refuse to wear jewellery that isn’t from Tiffany & Co.; and sometimes I call my father at work just to see what he’s doing.

I am high-maintenance af, and others have picked up on it. Some may intend it in a nice “but we love you anyway” kind of thing, but some people mean it as a form of insult, as in I need to change the way I am to suit them. I admit, being high-maintenance or needy isn’t necessarily a great quality to have, but I am proud of every intricacy of my personality, whether that is being bashful, loud, blunt, or high-maintenance.

As I sat down and thought to myself why others view me that way, I realised that when people call me high-maintenance, it is actually a huge compliment to my parents and their efforts in raising me to the best of their ability.

Thanks to two individuals, these siblings have lived a great life, including the addition of two sister-in-laws.

Contrary to what some may believe, when I was first born, my family didn’t have a lot. We usually wore hand-me-downs (FACT: I still have a jumper that my sister wore when she was in high-school so-and-so years ago), and we lived in a small three-bedroom house with seven humans and one canine, but I never saw the financial struggle that my parents must’ve faced, because to me, I had it all. I had somewhat loving brothers and sisters who each year grow closer and closer together; I had food on the table every morning, arvo, and evening, with plenty to spare for tomorrow’s leftovers; and we had a load of board games and a couple of gaming consoles that kept us kids entertained for days.

My father is Samoan, so we practice a tradition called “fa’a Samoa” (which you can learn more about at this link), which is loosely translated to “The Samoan Way”. I might not be completely familiar with the practice, but what I do know is that in this Samoan tradition, you give everything you have to family and friends, even the shirt off your back if you have to – especially in important times like funerals and weddings. While we weren’t rolling around in our riches, my parents often gave everything they had and much more to different family and friends, whom we often had over for dinner several days a week, to the point where I was accustomed to having up to 20 people at my dinner table on a weekly basis.

My father and mother raised me well, and gave me everything that I needed and most often, what I wanted. That is why, several years later as a 24-year-old, I can safely say that I deserve to be high-maintenance, because my needs were always met as a child, and my desires were given to me should I be deserving of them. My parents afforded me the luxuries of staying in nice hotels and enjoying the finer things in life.

So the next time someone tries to take a shot at me by calling me “needy” or “high-maintenance”, I am going to turn around and thank them for acknowledging the stellar job my parents did with me in raising me to be the man that I am today. And I am not ashamed of it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go straighten my seven-coloured-hair, because I can’t go out in public unless my hair is straightened and styled to the left.

– by The Black Widow

You Know What Sh!ts Me?: Those Bloody Kardashians

Okay. I’ve cracked it. I’ve actually had enough.

If you avoid mainstream media for the same reason I’m about to rant about, then let me catch you up to speed on a story I’m absolutely sick of hearing: Kim Kardashian was robbed in an elaborate heist. That’s it. Nothing more needs to be said about it.

The one time this face will appear on my website... unless she does something else to piss me off. (SOURCE: Instagram: @fyonka240's Flickr photostream)

The one time this face will appear on my website… unless she does something else to piss me off. (SOURCE: Instagram: @fyonka240’s Flickr photostream)

Then why does mainstream media continue to obsess and update on this story? A chick got robbed. Big deal.

When I studied journalism, I learned the fundamentals of showbiz journalism: extraordinary things that happen to ordinary people, you report it. Ordinary things that happen to “extraordinary” people, you report it. Eg: a woman from Geelong saves thirty people from a house fire, you report it. If Khloe Kardashian sneezes, unfortunately, you report it.

I get it. That’s how the world works, and unfortunately, it’s true that some people do care about these “celebrities”. But when Kim Kardashian’s daily life takes precedence over the consistent devastation of a civil war in a foreign country, or a country having a sickeningly powerful control of propaganda within their jurisdiction, it gets a bit fucking ridiculous.

It’s sad that this stupid family’s reportings have tarnished my passion for journalism. I don’t want to get involved in an industry whose main interest is “OMG what did Kylie wear the other day?! Let’s find out!”

Personally – from my strong opinion – if you care about what this family does, you really need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. If you do care about what this family does, you have to take a look in the mirror and question the reflection staring back at you as to why you care so much about a PR contrived family who are about as real as the bleached blond hair on my head. If you do care about what this family does, then you are missing out on all of the great people out in the world who are actually contributing to society, rather than tarnishing it. If you do care about what this family does, you miss out on the stories that are actually changing the world that you currently live in.

I mean, wouldn’t it be rough if you were taken from your home by foreign soldiers because you missed World War III for a new fucking Kylie Jenner lip kit coming out.

As a lighthearted way of proving that there are so many stories out in the world that have way more importance than what Kourtney Kardashian is eating, I’m going to compile several fake headlines and opening paragraphs of stories that fucking should take more importance than what the bloody Kardashians are up to.

Totally Fake But More Important than Kardashian-related Headlines

World War III breaks out, Australia considering joining
by Nikki Roivas

Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull may send Australian forces to join World War III.

Global aid foundations join forces to end world hunger
by Nikki Roivas

Several top charity organisations have come together to end world hunger, starting with tackling the poverty-stricken Sierra Leone.

Friendly dog smiles for the camera
by Nikki Roivas

A cheerful neighbourhood dog was caught smiling candidly for the camera.

Scientists discover that water is wet
by Nikki Roivas

Australian scientists have found through thorough research that water, also referred to as H2O, is wet.

Local under 8’s soccer team beat their rivals
by Nikki Roivas

The under 8’s South-Western Rouse Hill Pillowfluffers have beaten the North-Eastern Rouse Hill Vacuum Cleaners 2-0 in the quarter finals of the local tournament.

Glass of Fanta spilled on kitchen bench
by Nikki Roivas

A local man was horrified to discover he had accidentally spilled his glass of Fanta on his kitchen counter.

fin.

On a serious note, if you’re reading this and you find yourself obsessed with the daily happenings of the Kardashian/Jenner/West/East/South/Hudson/Maxwell/Oliviera/Valentine family, then I strongly suggest you veer away from your regular news sources COUGH DailymailPerezHiltonENewsOnline COUGH and read something a bit more heavy and deep, like Al Jazeera or even BBC WorldYou know, things that actually matter.

Or a story about a man spilling his glass of Fanta on his kitchen bench. Because I swear that is way more fucking important than Kim Kardashian being robbed and the thousands of follow up stories about it.

– by The Black Widow

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Well, readers, it’s been a long journey for me… but I wanted to take time out to say Happy 2nd birthday to Widow’s Lure today!

We're two today! Does that mean we're in our terrible twos?

We’re two today! Does that mean we’re in our terrible twos?

From our start as the aptly named Solstice Satisfaction to the spider-centric Widow’s Lure that it is today, this website has had its fair share of fun, sarcasm, dry wit, and even controversy.

Widow’s Lure hopes to continue to entertain our loyal following with the witty and borderline sarcastic humour y’all are used to in our posts, and we look to reach our third birthday with an even larger readership than ever! We have big things in store for the future so stay tuned, and thank you for following our brand from its humble beginnings to its humble present now!

From the team at Widow’s Lure.

– by The Black Widow

You Know What Sh!ts Me?: The imbalance of freedom

People suck. They really do.

Let’s use this scenario as an example: you’re at a party and you have one bottle of premium lemonade. A stranger comes up to you and asks you for it, saying “Please, I’m so thirsty and cannot find a drink anywhere else” (you know, despite water being readily available nearly everywhere but bear with me). Being a kind and considerate person, you give the stranger your premium lemonade. The next day, you’re thirsty and you feel like a drink. You find someone with a bottle of premium lemonade and ask them for a drink. They say no and walk away. Unfair, right?

If that’s so unfair, how does an individual try and demand freedom if they’re not willing to give it themselves?

Don’t get what I mean? Let me give you a proper example that doesn’t involve fantasy lemonade. A black man who demands racial equality but hates gays and doesn’t want them to have the choice of getting married. A gay woman who demands gay rights but hates men and anything they decide to do. A free-spirited animal activist who wants animal equality but doesn’t think people are allowed to wear whatever they want.

Equality means accepting all colours, not just the reds, oranges and yellows.

Equality means accepting all colours, not just the reds, oranges and yellows.

In other words, people who demand freedom but don’t give it back.

It just stems from the basic rule “treat others how you would like to be treated”. If you want people to respect your freedom in choice and lifestyle, then you should respect others, even if you don’t agree with it.

I had a friend who was very passionate about gay rights: he, as a homosexual man, didn’t understand why people were blocking his right to marry his partner and why he felt discriminated against for who he chose to love. Fair enough right? Well, as vocal as this former friend was about gay rights, he was also equally vocal about how he didn’t like black people and openly discriminated against them. My reaction?

This picture is so relevant to life.

This picture is so relevant to life.

My argument with him was this: “I’m sorry but how do you expect people to respect you and accept you as a gay man if you’re not going to respect and accept a man down the street because he’s black? Where is the logic in that?” His response was simple: “If people don’t respect me for being gay, I don’t have to respect black people.” It is possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard anyone say – ever. It’s like saying “If I don’t want to play tennis, why are other people playing tennis?”

News flash: there are other people in this world besides you.

My point, which I am going to reiterate here, is this: treat others how you want to be treated.

I’m not going to hate someone because they like rap music and I don’t. I’m not going to ignore someone because they choose to wear baggy trousers (as opposed to the painted on hot pants that I wear). It’s just stupid.

There are so many freedom fighters nowadays that are apparently striving for equality, but some of these people don’t even know what equality is.

End rant.

– by The Black Widow