Cultural Code Switching, Explained By a Minority

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A hard conversation? On Widow’s Lure? No way!

We all know that the only way to cure ignorance is education, and then it’s up to the person receiving it to decide whether they learn and grow from it, or choose to remain willfully ignorant.

However, I’ve always believed that the hardest conversations – the ones that make the air leave the room, and the ones that might make people even the slightest bit uncomfortable – are the conversations that really need to happen. Like, how would you understand why a certain word is considered a slur to a certain group of people if no one will plainly explain it to you?

For that reason alone, I don’t shy away from tough conversations. I may use humour to dilute the seriousness of these conversations from time to time, but if I can power through a hard conversation with the hopes that it helps or educates at least one person out there, then I feel like my job is done.

So with that long introduction out of the way, I wanted to touch on a fairly serious topic that some people might not even be aware of.

Code switching. Ever heard of the term?

At its core, code switching is when someone adjusts or changes the way they speak, act or behave depending on whom they’re around, the setting they’re in, and other external factors. In a very general and low-level sense, some examples of everyday code switching would be going from talking very casually to your friends (“Biiiiitch, guess who I walked past the other day?”) to then speaking more formally with zero profanity when in the office (“Can we set up a one-on-one to go over next week’s tasks?”) You might even behave or communicate differently depending on your friendship groups, like you might be a certain way around your friends from high school than you are around your friends from uni.

Those are very real and valid examples of code switching that everyone goes through in everyday life. But for many minorities, code switching is not just a social flexibility. It can be tied to safety, acceptance and a sense of belonging.

Enter: ethnic and racial code switching.

If you’re Polynesian, you’ll know what I’m talking about when I refer to the ‘Islander laugh’. And for those who haven’t been inducted into the Islander laugh, it’s a certain laugh that every Polynesian has where it’s loud, boisterous and has a supercharged energy or mana behind it. By all accounts, an Islander laugh is absolutely infectious and it’s when you know your Polynesian friend is comfortable around you.

I was talking to my dear friend and sister Eugenie (fellow Polynesian) about the Islander laugh, and I in all sincerity told her I didn’t think I had an Islander laugh, to which she replied that I absolutely do have one and she’s definitely heard it when it was just the two of us together. At first, I thought she was pulling my leg because I genuinely didn’t think I had it in me to produce an Islander laugh. (I was born and raised in country NSW predominantly around white Australians, then moved to Sydney where there was a Pacifika influence but I was still more around a western influence with friends of all cultures.) But as I stopped to think about it, a part of me realised that I did have an Islander laugh and maybe I had subconsciously only reserved it for other Polynesians because I code switched my laugh when around other ethnicities.

If that’s not a clear enough example of cultural code switching, let me quickly introduce you to the ‘pākehā voice’. For those playing at home, pākehā is the Māori word for a non-Māori and is more commonly used to describe white or predominantly white folks.

Now as a friendly reminder, I was born and raised in Australia and have never lived in Aotearoa or Samoa, or even Ireland for that matter. I proudly identify my nationality as Australian and I am very privileged to have grown up in a great country like Australia. So it should be fairly surprising to some that I even have a pākehā voice in general because theoretically that should be my default.

Pākehā voice is the voice and tone you reserve for when you need to communicate with people of other cultures (but mostly white folk) because you have an underlying or subconscious thought that they won’t take you seriously if you use your normal speaking voice. For example, when I am calling a business to make a first-touch enquiry or I’m calling to make an appointment at a clinic that I’ve never used before, my pākehā voice comes out to play because god forbid they take me seriously if I didn’t code switch my voice. When I take podcast interviews or other media talks for my wrestling career, my pākehā voice comes out, and I’ve even had my sister Toni tell me that she heard me using my pākehā voice outside my bedroom door and knew not to knock because the voice alone gave away that I was in an interview of some sort.

The idea that I have to adjust myself, even slightly, to accommodate people from other cultures is quietly laughable to me because I know that nothing about me needs to change and I know that I am very comfortable in who I am and I never shrink to fit in a room that doesn’t deserve me. But even with that knowledge, I still do it.

One thing that I’m big on is always pronouncing words like “Samoan” and “Māori” properly and not using the whitened pronunciations unless I absolutely have to because I don’t feel like I need to adjust my own culture to be more palatable or easier to understand to someone who might not be familiar with the natural pronunciation.

And if cultural and racial code switching wasn’t enough, welcome to queer or gender based code switching.

Some blatant examples of this include: keeping your partner’s gender purposely obscure because you’re unsure of the reaction you’ll receive when that information is divulged; deepening or heightening your voice to avoid possible discrimination; and toning down your wardrobe choices so not to offend others when it’s something you wouldn’t particularly want to wear.

While ethnic and racial code switching is more based in needing other people to understand and consume you, queer or gender based code switching is more based in protecting yourself and feeling safe in environments that you aren’t familiar with. And god forbid I have to go through both on a daily basis just to exist in Australian society.

I love that for the most part, Australia is generally safe for LGBTQIA+ folks and embraces multiculturalism that we are known for. But being a minority from both a racial and gender/sexual orientation standpoint, I find it interesting that my subconscious mind defaults to these kinds of redundant code switches even though I know I don’t need to. Especially as someone who does not shrink to fit into rooms and always embraces my truest self in social situations.

Perhaps underneath the boldness, the glamour and the confidence that I genuinely wield, is that little girl that needs to be understood and needs to feel safe, so these tiny code switches help to put her at ease. And if that’s what I need to do to nurture her, then so fucking be it.

And I’m not saying that in my pākehā voice.

– by The Black Widow

Six Facts About Pride Month

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Wow, a listicle… and during Pride Month?!

(In fairness, I could be using that a lot more than I have been this June.)

Hello Widow’s Lureans! Wherever you are in the world, I hope you are all enjoying Pride Month, whether you are a part of the Alphabet Mafia, a proud ally, or just a quiet bystander.

It would be remiss of me not to touch on Pride Month as a proud B, Q and T of the LGBTQIA+. And instead of taking a fairly serious toned but still informative point of view like I did in 2024, I thought I’d take a more light-hearted but still checking your nonsense kind of tone in 2026.

So with that being said, here are six facts about Pride Month, compiled by yours truly.

1. Pride doesn’t exist to wipe out the cishets
This is the most tiring ‘argument’ I see whenever Pride Month rolls around. All of a sudden Larry the cishet white man – a subgenre of human that has been severely underrepresented in modern media, clearly – complains “What about Straight Pride? Where’s my Straight Pride parade? Should I be ashamed for being attracted to the opposite gender?” No you shouldn’t Larry. You should be ashamed for having a pea-sized brain, however. Pride exists because for decades, anyone outside of the cishet normality was shunned, crucified, persecuted and even jailed for simply existing as they are. The first brick was thrown at Stonewall because we were tired of living in the shadows and having to pretend to be someone we weren’t simply because of societal norms. Pride exists so that we can embrace who we are. Not everything revolves around you, Larry.

2. Men’s Mental Health Month can exist alongside Pride Month (shocker!)
Another tiring argument I see is “What about Men’s Mental Health Month?” Are you aware that two things can exist at the same time exclusive of each other? What a novel concept! If I can share the same birthday with my aunt, then Men’s Mental Health Month can share the same month as Pride Month. Although I think it’s super funny how these people harp on about men’s mental health yet when someone like Kane Evans shares his deeply moving and personal coming out story, all of a sudden their care for men’s mental health goes out the window and they start ridiculing him. Funny that.

3. Pride won’t turn your kids gay or trans
There goes a tale that should you look in the sun and see a rainbow, suddenly you will experience gender dysphoria and a sudden attraction to the same gender. Okay but seriously, if you believe in this and ‘the rainbow flag propaganda’, let me know what area you live in so I can point you towards the nearest library. Because that is NOT how LGBTQIA+ works. One phrase I see that I love, and bear with me while I paraphrase this, is “Pride doesn’t exist to turn your kids into gay kids. It exists so your kids don’t turn into dead kids.” LGBTQIA+ kids are four times more likely to attempt suicide than their cishet counterparts (source), which is a terrible fact. Pride exists so that these kids can love and embrace who they are so they can live longer and happier lives and not be forced into a closet or repression that could lead to them making some permanent choices. Again, not everything revolves around you, Larry.

4. Pride is for everyone*
This could be a potentially controversial opinion but I believe that pride and celebrating pride is for everyone – including the cishets. By that, I mean if Samantha the cishet ally wants to celebrate pride and embrace all of her LGBTQIA+ friends and family, then Pride is as much for Samantha as it is any member of the Rainbow Army. Don’t gatekeep pride for people who are genuine supporters of the community, especially at a time like this where our mere existence is being politically debated. So if you see Pride Month advertising and you as a cishet think “What can I do to celebrate Pride?” You can reach out to your queer friends and peers, check in on them, remind them that they are seen and loved and you have their backs. *Pride is not for the LGB without the T crowd. You shouldn’t be proud of who you are, because who you are is a horrible person who lacks critical thinking.

5. The B is still as valid as every other letter
If there’s one thing I hate nearly as much as I hate the “LGB without the T” crowd of half-wit morons, it’s those who try to shame or gatekeep Pride from bi, pan or queer folk in hetero presenting relationships. Delancey the bisexual woman married to her Golden Retriever husband deserves to be here as much as anyone else. The queerness in her doesn’t automatically disappear because she fell in love with and married someone of the opposite sex. Fuck outta here with your nonsense.

6. We just want to exist safely
If you think that Pride is just some leftist propaganda to turn everyone queer, then I’ll hold back my usual sassiness to hit you with this very important fact I touched on in number one – we just want to live our lives free of persecution, judgment or discrimination. That’s the main reason Pride exists. A same sex couple holding hands walking down the street is guaranteed to be met with a different and colder reception than a hetero couple; a trans woman simply existing in a dress is guaranteed to irk some small-minded folks; an ace-aro is guaranteed to heave a sigh as they have to explain to someone for the 1000th why they want to be alone. You don’t have to understand every letter and every aspect of LGBTQIA+, but what you can do is offer simple grace and compassion and realise that “Hey, I might not understand it all, but I acknowledge they’re human and they deserve the right to live the way they want”. That’s it.

I’m going to end this Pride themed piece with five very choice words that I want you to take away from this…

Fuck Riley Gaines, dumb bitch.

Happy Pride!

– by The Black Widow

Satisfashion: Y2K and the Visible G-String

Posted in Lifestyle, Satisfashion by

Making 2000’s Lita proud with this.

For reasons that should be fairly obvious, I didn’t get to live my lowrider visible G string phase back in the 2000’s, which is truly such a sad fact of life for me. And as quick as this provocative style came in, it went out of fashion just as quick and was replaced as the 2010’s ushered in the era of high-waisted skirts, jeans and shorts. During this era, it became taboo to wear anything low-rise and wearing such a risky garment would grant you looks of pure horror or disgust in the era of peplum tops and bandage dresses.

And then, in the early 2020’s after the world almost ctrl-alt-deleted itself, a resurgence of the Y2K style came in as Gen Z discovered something of the past while us millennials had the privilege of raiding our packed-up fashions from the garage and pulled out some vintage classics. This pivot in fashion and trends essentially released us all from the chokehold that high-waisted denim shorts had on us. Now you can go for a night out and see women in their high waisted skirts and pants standing next to a bunch of other women in low rise jorts and cargo pants, and both sets of women look absolutely fabulous.

Although for dolls like me who didn’t get to live this important era of girlhood, now’s our time to shine.

I feel like it’s very important to mention that I donned this look for a casual Saturday night Chinese dinner in Newtown with a girlfriend.

For this specific trend, I think the first thing I want to point out is if you’re going to wear a visible G-string, make sure it is visible for those on the moon. Don’t just have a little bit of it poking out, because to me that defeats the purpose of rocking the 2000’s Lita look. Be proud of your specific choice of underwear and own that piece of your sexuality. The height of mine might look ridiculous since it’s almost up to my chest, but that just makes it more impactful than if only a smidge of black was poking out.

I’ve been blessed/cursed with a long torso, so the impact of the midriff and visible G-string is greatly accentuated for me. But goes without saying, just as the above point reiterates, wear a midriff or crop top so that the visible G-string is indeed visible. There is literally no point of having your cheeky thong poke out if a loose fitting band tee is covering it. Like you might as well have worn your ugly underwear for the look because no one is going to bloody see them.

The choice of bottoms is also important to consider because you have to think about what would suit the look you’re trying to achieve. For the best and safest option, I would recommend a baggy trouser or jeans. Loose pants combined with a visible G-string and a midriff top is such a classic 90’s baddie look that you absolutely cannot go wrong with. I would say to steer away from low-rise mini skirts or hot pants because that would mean there’s a lot going on with your look, but also I support a woman’s right to choose whatever path she wants, so you do whatever you want sister.

To complete the look, consider your hair and footwear. I opted to go with the classic half-up half down pigtails – another classic 90’s serve – and some white sneakers, because we all know the most versatile thing in a woman’s wardrobe will be her white sneakers. I can also see something like loose curls and a pair of square heels working with your crop top, visible G-string and low rise pants to complete this absolutely iconic look.

Please don’t judge the image quality. I’ll do better next time, I promise.

As always, The Black Widow has you covered on all things fashion, style and trends. If you have any particular look that you want covered here on Widow’s Lure, please write to us and we’ll be happy to accommodate you and send you on your way in your own style journey.

– by The Black Widow

The Southern Charmers: Ranked

Posted in Entertainment, TV by

Ba-ba-dooooo, ba-ba-dee-ee-ee.

Yes we are back with yet another Bravo ranking! And with one of my favourite non-Housewives shows on Bravo.

I need Whitner to be in the centre next season.

To be honest, I started Southern Charm for Craig Conover. 1) Because he’s handsome af and 2) I was aware that he was like the main Bravo guy (like it’s clear that Andy loves him and clearly favours him over other men on Bravo shows). But mainly for reason 1. I also have a weird fascination with the Dirty South and Southern culture, so while I expected a different format from Summer House and Summer House: Martha’s Vineyard, and obviously Real Housewives, I still didn’t know what I was getting myself into.

With 11 seasons done and dusted, and the 11th season only wrapped up fairly recently, there have been 27 different Charmers on this iconic Bravo reality show.

So, anyways, here are the rankings of our favourite Charmers!

27. Salley Carson
There are maybe only like one or two people on Bravo I hate more than Salley, if that gives you an idea of how much I can’t stand this insufferable pick-me. Whining that other women should be loyal to her while she herself centres her wellbeing around men, Salley is a giant hypocrite with an extremely produced personality for reality TV, like you can just tell her mission in life is to be on reality TV. If you follow me on Threads, you’ll see all the wonderful things I’ve said about Salley. Good lord, please do not renew her contract Bravo.

26. Landon Clements
If Salley didn’t roll around, Landon would’ve been at the absolute bottom of this list. While Salley took pick-me to a whole new level, Landon was the original pick-me of the cast that just exuded massive loser energy. Plus the scene of her awkwardly confessing her love for Shep will go down in history as one of the most cringe scenes on any televison show ever.

25. Thomas Ravenel
Thomas Ravenel was just a horrible man to watch on this show, and his horrible treatment of Kathryn as his partner and mother of his children, as well as his sexist attitude towards the other female castmates, keep him at the bottom of this list. I remember seeing him for the first time and thinking ‘how is an old man going to go on a Bravo reality show’, and my answer was terribly. Also I still don’t understand why he yelled at everyone at that dinner party and kicked everyone out. So unnecessary.

24. Jarrett “JT” Thomas
Speaking of sexist losers who treat women like they’re expendable, it’s JT. In fairness, JT started out okay as like a harmless secondary character (because let’s face it, no one is taking a Main Guy spot from Craig, Shep or Austen any time soon), but then his facade fell and his attempts to come off like a “nice guy” just solidified his absolute gronk status. Also as a general observation, men that look like JT always have the most unwarranted confidence, and I’d like to study the science behind it.

23. Whitney Sudler-Smith
The row of sexist men who have confidence they don’t deserve continues with Whitney. He’s only really higher than T-Rav and JT because I actually enjoy watching the scenes with him and his iconic mother Patricia. Other than that, he’s very unlikeable and comes off thinking that he’s better than everyone else which is so far from the truth.

22. Jenna King
We leave ‘people I can’t stand’ territory and enter ‘people I forgot’ territory with Jenna King. Jenna was not a good fit for this cast, and even just visually you could tell that she did not fit in with the rest of the cast, and not in a fun outsider good for TV kind of way. She lasted just one season which is fitting tbh.

21. Ryan Albert
When I say I had to google who Ryan Albert was and when his face came up and I was like “Oh, him!” On top of that, I tried to remember any big moments featuring him from the show and I couldn’t think of any. I remember him being super handsome and a secondary character, but that’s about it.

20. Rod Razavi
I also don’t remember much from Rod’s time on the show besides his little fling with Olivia and thinking he was kinda charming (ba dum tsh). Kind of deserving of one season tbh.

19. Eliza Limehouse
Eliza was a strange addition to the show, as she had ties with the cast and you would’ve thought that she would have had a bigger impact than she actually did. But she had a little splash on the show and ended up being someone you’d expect to last one season.

18. Kathryn Dennis
This was a tough ranking tbh. I really appreciate everything Kathryn did for the show and we really saw the reality of her life play out on this show; the good and especially the bad, and I definitely felt for her in her toxic relationship with T-Rav. But in saying that, she also wasn’t the best person, and her seeking friendships with the other female castmates and finally fitting in with them, just to randomly turn on Cameran really did not sit well with me. And the monkey emoji sealed the deal.

17. Leva Bonaparte
I appreciated Leva for maybe her first two seasons of the show. It was nice to see a visible person of colour on the show, and using her as a main figure to narrate the struggles of POC especially during the Black Lives Matter period was a solid choice. But after a while, especially as Southern Hospitality kicked off, her role on this show was really redundant, and she barely showed up for group events and missed several episodes during the seasons.

16. Chleb Ravenell
I immediately liked Chleb for being a black man on a cast full of white men, even if his introduction to the show was as Kathryn’s boyfriend. To me, he seemed really interesting and that he had a lot to offer this show. But he was never really given the chance to shine as an individual castmate, and he fell victim to the one season wonder curse.

15. Taylor Ann Green
To me, Taylor had her ups and downs. Like at times I found her really annoying, but then at times I found myself sympathising with her and even liking her, especially during her relationship with Shep. I hope she’s thriving in whatever she’s doing rn.

14. Austen Kroll
I know Austen is one of the main three of the cast, but I simply just don’t like him as much as I like the other two (more on that later). Austen has some shining moments, especially in his solo scenes with his family and when he talks about his late sister… but then you see how he treats women, like they’re expendable and replaceable, and you understand why this man is not yet married.

13. Charley Manley
Just going off the one most recent season she’s been on, I really like Charley. On top of being beautiful, she seems like a genuine girl’s girl and looked like a really down to earth chick. The only thing that keeps her from going higher on this list is her association with Fuckhead Salley. If she hangs around for more seasons, I’d like to see her break away from Salley and form her own identity.

12. Shep Rose
Shep is that guy you love but also acknowledge is a bit of an idiot that needs to grow up. Of the main three, Shep is the biggest Peter Pan boy, but despite this and his other many flaws, there’s something still so likeable about him. He’s the guy you’d want to keep as a friend but never date.

11. Olivia Flowers
To me, Olivia started as another pretty blonde addition to the show that wouldn’t do much and then would leave after one season, but then she showed a fiery side that made me sit there and be like “Okurrr bitch”. She’s beautiful but she also has an outspoken sass to her which is a quality I really fuck with. She definitely deserved more time on the show. I will never forgive Bravo for replacing her with Fuckhead Salley.

10. Rodrigo Reyes
Rodrigo started off as a Friend and then was promoted to Main Cast. In his first season as a main castmate, I found him to still have Friend Of energy so to me he was mostly forgettable. But in season 11, we got to see more of Rodrigo, and while he may not be the loudest or most outspoken in the group, he still held his own and had a very likeable presence on the cast. I hope he’s around for next season because I’ve only just started loving him.

9. Naomie Olindo
Naomie was the first person I noticed from this show before starting it (yes even before Craig) because of how beautiful she was. Besides the times I found her to be quite belittling to Craig unnecessarily, I loved Naomie. She was a great addition to the show, and she definitely understood the assignment as she could be trusted to anchor the cast and be a major player in the seasons she was featured in.

8. Craig Conover
I always had to pick Craig or Naomie over the other, and after some thought, I gave the higher spot to Craig. Even though he’s a bit of a dope, and while on the drink can be an absolute menace (which is great for TV tbh), I do think he has a good soul and there’s almost a childlike quality about him that needs to be embraced in order for him to be safe. Wow that was such a deep psychoanalysation for one of my Bravo rankings. In saying that… #TeamPaige4eva

7. John Pringle
I feel like all of my Bravo rankings always have a strange sleeper pick, and one season wonder John Pringle is definitely the sleeper pick for Southern Charm. Seeing as the bar is so low for men on this show, John coming in and being simply normal was a breath of fresh air for this show. He was a good father to his two kids, was handsome af but wasn’t cocky about it, and just had a grounded sense of energy to him. In this house, we love John Pringle.

6. Venita Aspen
Venita definitely has her messy moments on the show, which is necessary for a Bravo reality show tbh, but I love her and I love what she represents on the show. Minus the one seasons he was on with Chleb, she’s been the only black castmate for every other season, and especially in a place like Charleston, that representation is very important. Venita is absolutely beautiful and has a cute timidness about her that I find adorable. Seeing her get into it in season 11 was definitely a welcome change from her more quiet past couple of seasons.

5. Molly O’Connell
Molly is truly like no one else that has been on this show. When a beautiful girl joins the cast, they tend to cling to the pretty girl trope and are scared of a little whimsy. Enter Molly, beautiful former model who’s obsessed with playing her euphonium and just wants to calmly walk her own unique path in life. And then she also showed up to a Literary Party dressed as Gandalf. We love Molly. More of her please.

4. Madison LeCroy
The main thing I love about Madison is how she is this Southern belle bombshell that looks like she had that silver platter wealthy upbringing, but she didn’t. Madison doesn’t take shit from anyone, speaks her mind unapologetically, knows how to keep a scene going, and seems so down to earth and self aware. After Kathryn left, Southern Charm needed a new female anchor, and Madison has filled that role perfectly, even when pregnant. Plus she always deserved better than Austen and I’m so glad she found it.

3. Chelsea Meissner
Cool is the main defining word I would use to describe Chelsea. Beautiful, as is a recurring theme among the female castmates of Southern Charm, Chelsea had her own distinct personality of being a girl’s girl while also being quite tomboyish in a very relatable way. She was calm and collected but would stand up for herself when the moment called for it, and she was loyal to those that were close to her. I truly miss her on this show, I really do.

2. Whitner Slagsvol
I have not truly loved any male castmate on this show until Whitner showed up on the latest season. With his head screwed firmly onto his broad shoulders, Whitner doesn’t take himself too seriously, can throw some epic shade when he needs to, can check his friends when they are in the wrong, and most importantly, has life goals and passion in life; a rare feat among the other male castmates of the show. In summary, I loooove me some Whitner and he absolutely needs to remain on the cast for at least two or three more seasons. I would love to see him take over the Top 3 as a mainstay on the show.

1. Cameran Wimberly
The original narrator of the show, Cameran served her role well as the connector of the group. She would help resolve the drama amongst the group, serve as the mediator when the situation called for it, but then she would also stand her ground when she needed to. She had a very quick wit about her, and I found her to be really funny especially when she was pregnant. A woman admitting that she never really cared about having kids and then openly not enjoying the experience of being pregnant was refreshing to watch, and then now to see her evolve into an excellent mother is just beautiful.

If anyone from Bravo is reading this, I want you to take a few points from this rankings list:
1) Get rid of Salley for the love of god;
2) Keep Whitner and Molly around;
3) Pay whatever it takes to bring back Cameran;
4) Make sure Landon does not come back whatsoever.

With those four points, this show will have a very long life. You know it’s true.

– by The Black Widow