The Housewives of Atlanta: Ranked

We’re back with some more Real Housewives Content!

As Sydney is currently in lockdown because people can’t just stay tf home, I’ve had a lot of spare time on my hands. This means that my task to finish all 13 seasons of Real Housewives of Atlanta which would’ve normally taken me probably a full year has nearly been done in four months, my mind is bursting with some iconic RHOA quotes like “Bye ashes!” and “The lies! The lies! The lies!”

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During the 13 seasons of Real Housewives of Atlanta, they have featured 15 main cast housewives, which again does not include the “friends of” Queens like Marlo Hampton and Tanya Sam, or the guest appearances from people like “that bitch” Yovana. Or Jovana. Whatever. I don’t know her.

Much like I did with the Housewives of Beverly Hills, I will be ranking the Housewives of Atlanta in order of how much I stanned them or how much I absolutely detested them. Except I will be doing this myself as Emilie hasn’t watched RHOA. Sadface.

So here it is. RHOA’s bombshells ranked!

15. Kenya Moore
Probably the easiest placement on this list. It’s said that you’re either Team Porsha or Team Kenya, and I cannot fathom how anyone could be Team Kenya. She’s a deluded shit-stirrer who provokes people and then acts surprised when they react. She’ll do anything to be the centre of attention, and not in a cool way either, and she can’t support her friend’s happiness if it isn’t about her. Kenya is gone with the dust storm at the bottom of this list.

14. Kim Zolciak-Biermann
If Kenya wasn’t featured on this show, then Kim would easily be at the bottom of this list. If Kenya is the Princess of deluded, then Kim is the Queen. Granted, her drags of the other women were way more entertaining than Kenya’s, and when it was Kenya vs. Kimn I found myself on Kim’s side. 

13. DeShawn Snow
This rating comes from a lack of getting to know DeShawn. She was only featured in the first season which had like eight episodes. I thought she was sweet and cute and would’ve loved for her to hang around longer.

12. Kim Fields
I loved Kim Fields. I thought she was fabulous and was a nice refined change from the usual RHOA messy drama. However I didn’t think she was good fit for the show solely because she was a change from the usual RHOA messy drama. But don’t get it twisted: she’s Kim Fields, bitch.

11. Claudia Jordan
I thought Claudia was a nice addition to the RHOA franchise, and I especially enjoyed how she had no shame in reading people. She didn’t contribute much to storylines, however, and her biggest impact on the show was her being self-conscious about her toes. Also she loses a few point for being friends with Kenya.

10. Lisa Wu
If Lisa had stayed on the show for a few more seasons, she would’ve flourished and would’ve easily been found higher on this list. She wasn’t about the drama but wasn’t scared to drag a bitch if she had to. Plus, she loves money as much as I do. Yay her.

9. Nene Leakes
I have a very strong love-hate relationship with Nene. For one, I admire how outspoken and outgoing she is and find her energy to be really infectious; she really was the life of the show in each season she was featured in. In saying that, however, I find her to be quite narcissistic and manipulative, and if things don’t go her way she tends to drag everyone else around her down. 

8. Phaedra Parks
Ms. Phaedra Parks was not high up on my list after her first season or two. She was too secretive and kept her cards close to her chest, and was almost as deluded as Kenya. But then in the later seasons she let loose and became one of the more fun ones, almost as much as Porsha. Making up really defamatory rumours about Kandi, however, prevents her from going any higher on this list.

7. Shamari DeVoe
Let me put this out there: I thought Shamari was a fantastic addition to the cast, and I don’t know how producers thought to get rid of her in favour if a returning Kenya. She was not scared to be herself, and there was something about her that was just so fabulous. Also we love drunk Shamari. Bring her back. Get rid of Kenya.

6. Sheree Whitfield
Sheree is someone else I started off not liking, but then after season one I came to really like her. Her shade is better than anyone else’s – I mean, who can get past “Who gon’ check me boo?” – and in the production sense of the show, she was not afraid to stir up some drama. She ain’t called the Bone Collector for nothing.

5. Kandi Burruss
I love Kandi. I think she’s someone to be looked up to by all. She’s a savvy businesswoman who loves her family, loves her children, and loves the freedom of expression and to be yourself. I also admire her ability to stay out of the drama – “won’t start none, won’t be none” – but by far her best quality is the ability to talk about sex openly. Sex is a conversation I want to be more accessible for people, and Kandi (Koated Nights) is helping forge that path.

4. Drew Sidora
Drew was the reason I started watching RHOA in the first place. When I saw she had been cast in Season 13, my interest piqued because I loved her prior to the show, so that’s when I chose to watch the show. I thought she was a fun addition to Season 13, and her battles with LaToya really made the season. Well, that and the infamous Dungeon Party.

3. Porsha Williams
If my constant dragging of Kenya didn’t make it obvious, I’m all for Team Porsha. Porsha is an enigma; there are really no words to describe her because she is just such an individual. In her first season, she was a much more reserved version of herself, no doubt because of her then-husband, but once that broke off, the fun, wild and energetic Porsha that everyone grew to love emerged, and we love that bitch.

2. Cynthia Bailey
Cynthia is everything I want to be. She’s stunning; she’s fabulous; she’s successful; and she’s Cynthia Bailey. Now what else is going on? Cynthia is one of the more level-headed women of RHOA who will get into it if she has to, but prefers to stay outside of the drama. And that’s something that’s really to be admired, especially on a reality show where’s it kind of expected to start shit for no reason. 

1. Eva Marcille
Obsessed is an understatement. If Cynthia Bailey is everything I want to be, Eva is that and some more. Well spoken, absolutely stunning, and the shadiest queen of them all a complete sunflower, Eva hits the top of my list as my favourite Housewife of Atlanta. While she has gone out and said she won’t be returning to the franchise, I hope she changes her mind. She was a great addition to the cast, and absolutely knew how to handle herself in a tense situation. Women always have trouble in their first season of the show as their lives are thrown into the spotlight, but Eva handled probably the best out of any of the above women.

Did you have a different set of rankings to us? Who was your favourite housewife? Let us know in the comments!

– by The Black Widow

Artist of the Month: Camila Cabello

Camila Cabello: an actual goddess.

January is my birth month, so I reserved this month for my current most favourite singer, which is super funny considering I couldn’t care less for Fifth Harmony.

Starting out as part of the aforementioned girl group (as the clear leader but that’s another story) in 2013, Camila branched out by herself at the end of 2016 and really soared.

Who else could look this good mid-sing with their eyes closed? Goddess! (Photo taken from rocor’s Flickr photostream)

Her first solo album came in the self-titled Camila, which featured my most favourite song of hers, Never Be the Same. I believe this track is what incorporates Camila’s iconic sound; her breathy vocals, juxtaposed with the strong notes she pulls out only moments later, encapsulates the sound that Camila portrays. The almost-whisper of “you’re to blame” is what really sticks out for me about this song, and is almost the sole reason why this song will probably forever remain as my favourite Cabello track.

Another song from the album Camila that contains a mixture of Camila’s breathy-and-then-strong vocals but in a high-energy pop-reggaeton tune is She Loves Control. If you think I like this song because I relate to loving control due to being a control freak, then you’d probably be right. But the reggaeton vibe to this song connects with her Latin roots, and to be honest, what is there not to like about the deep, booming sounds of reggaeton?

It would be remiss of me not to mention the song that, upon hearing it for the first time, brought me to tears. First Man is a pop-rock piano ballad penned by Cabello herself detailing her relationship with her father, saying that while she has found love in her life, her dad will always be the first man that really loved her. The music accompaniment is lovely, but it’s the lyrics that make this song stand out. Touching words such as “So I had to stop the car and turn around to tell you you were the first man that really loved me” is what really got me, considering my strong relationship with my own father.

Recommended Tracks
Senorita” ft. Shawn Mendes (Romance)
Havana” ft Young Thug (Camila)
Easy” (Romance)

I cannot harp on enough about how amazing and talented and sensational Camila Cabello is. She has a plethora of music under her belt, and there’s something for everyone. Give the above music a listen, and I guarantee you won’t regret it.

– by The Black Widow

Take Me On a Holidate!

That was for you, Luke Bracey.

I was sitting on the lounge watching yet another terribly terrific Christmas romcom and my friend walks out and says “What is it with you and these Christmas movies? They’re all the same!” To that, I say: let’s talk about Holidate.

Holidate stars Emma Roberts and Luke Bracey as Sloane and Jackson respectively. Sloane is irreparably single and still pining after her ex that left her for someone else, and Jackson is a fuckboi with commitment issues and a beautiful smile.

The two meet in a chance encounter (shocker!) and then after initially detesting each other (even bigger shocker!) they agree to be each other’s ‘holidate’ – the person they can bring as a date on holidays so their family and friends can stop bugging them about being single, because apparently there’s nothing worse than being single during a holiday (this is a stigma that I wish would disappear, but more on that later).

Luke Bracey is scratching his head in awe of my beauty. Emma Roberts is also pictured.

You know I love a good Christmas romcom so this post is going to be overwhelmingly positive.

The first thing I noticed about this film which became my most favourite thing about it (besides Luke Bracey’s fine ass) is how realistic it was. I understand that majority of Christmas movies are intended to be family friendly, so swearing or the slightest inclination of physical intimacy are forbidden, but let’s be honest: people swear, and they have sex. And this movie had that. Fuck, it was refreshing.

Again, I’m aware that movies like this always have a predictable ending, but that’s the appeal of Christmas romcoms; even though I’m not going to ‘spoil’ the ending for you, your first assumption is probably correct. But the journey on these movies are so fun, and this was a fun ass mf journey!

You had the stock standard meddling middle aged woman (Sloane’s mother); the ex and his physical upgrade; the potential love interest (Farooq); and of course, the extremely attractive male lead that appears in a random scene shirtless for no reason and makes guys and gals want to watch this movie.

Plus, how iconic is the finger scene?! (Probably not the fingering you’re thinking of)

I’m going to be honest: I’ve never been a big fan of Emma Roberts, and I can’t explain why. She’s not untalented, or unattractive, or difficult to watch, but I just haven’t really connected to her before. But she did a good job in this movie as the lonely girl who falls for the guy character. Sloane was made to be kind of quirky, but not too quirky so she doesn’t appear to be one of those ‘I’m not like other girls’ harpies.

If you haven’t gotten the hint already, I’m a big Luke Bracey fan. His looks aside, I’ll always have a soft spot for Aussie actors, and on top of that, he was also great in his role. But most importantly, he was believable in his role. I believed that he was a fuckboi douchebag in the beginning, and then I believed that he was this closet romantic by the end of the movie that wanted nothing more than a fairytale ending.

Also anything with Kristin Chenoweth in it is guaranteed to be a deadset ripper. Can’t say enough positive things about her. 10/10 superstar. Ugh. What a queen.

Generally speaking with Christmas romcoms, I’m a one and done kinda guy. Even though I love them so much, they don’t have the greatest replayability. But I would happily watch this movie again, and again, and again, until Luke Bracey figures out that he’s in love with me.

Just kidding. Sort of.

But seriously, cannot recommend this movie enough. If you have Netflix and have nothing productive to do, please do yourself a favour and watch it. And think of me when you see Luke Bracey with his pretty smile.

– by The Black Widow

Artist of the Month: Erika Jayne

“Some people call me cold, but that’s not ice; it’s diamonds.”

If you know me, then you know that I am a HUGE fan of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. As such, it should come as a shock to no one that the blonde pop diva herself would appear on Widow’s Lure as a featured artist of the month.

She’s crass, she’s sassy, she’s blonde, and she’s super fabulous… she’s the alter ego of Erika Girardi…

The artist of the month for December 2020: Erika Jayne.

The fabulous Erika Jayne being interviewed about how damn fabulous she is. (Photo taken from kathryn deem’s Flickr photostream)

Erika Jayne has been creating music since 2007, but her popularity has soared on the dance charts due to her appearances on RHOBH. Even if you weren’t a fan of Erika Girardi on the show, then I’m sure you would be a fan of Erika Jayne.

When I do personal training with my PT every Tuesday morning and he asks me what music to play on his outdoor speaker, I can literally hear the groan when I suggest Xxpen$ive by Erika Jayne. He shouldn’t be surprised; it’s the song I always request when he asks me this question.

If you’re looking to be introduced to Erika Jayne’s music, Xxpen$ive is a good place to start as I believe it shows off every intricacy about her that makes her so appealing. This track is unapologetic as Erika casually sings about how expensive it is to upkeep her lifestyle and appearance, and she still doesn’t give a fuck. When I first heard this song, I compared her to the likes of Mariahlynn, as both of these women have such bold lyrics that suit the hip-hop inspired dance accompaniment.

If you want another example of just how bold, daring and carefree Erika Jayne can get, then look no further than How Many Fucks. As the song suggests, she gives zero fucks about what anyone thinks about her, and who doesn’t want to admire someone like that? How Many Fucks follows the same kind of trend as Xxpen$ive: the lyrics are brash, the dance music will get even the most introverted person onto the dance floor, and the unapologetic approach this song has is infectious. If you needed any more convincing to listen to this track, it peaked at number one on Billboard’s US Dance Club list.

Now to soften the mood a bit, let me introduce you to the song that shares the name of Erika Jayne’s gimmick name: Pretty Mess. I’m aware that there are a lot of remixes for Erika’s songs, so referring to the original version itself, Pretty Mess has a slower, softer approach than the previous two tracks have. Erika’s vocals offer a sense of vulnerability, which matches the more subtle dance tones of this song.

Recommended Tracks
Painkillr” (non-album single)
Roller Coaster” from Pretty Mess
Party People (Ignite the World)” (non-album single)

The thing I love most about Erika Jayne is she doesn’t necessarily have this dance music career for the money or the fame. She does it because she genuinely loves it, and has fun slipping into her Erika Jayne persona.

God, no wonder why I want to be her so much.

– by The Black Widow