Sierra Burgess is a Horrible Human

Potentially the most unlikeable fictional character ever.

I found myself watching the Netflix film Sierra Burgess is a Loser and I actually quite enjoyed it. Except the titular character herself. She was the most abhorrent human I have ever watched on a Netflix film, and for all intents and purposes, she deserves a good wake-up punch in the face.

For those of you whom haven’t watched the film yet and have every intention of doing so, I will warn you that there are SPOILERS AHEAD so read at your own caution.

So basically, the story of this film is Sierra Burgess is an ugly loser. Handsome Jamey asks Veronica for her number, and as a prank, Veronica gives him Sierra’s number, and then Sierra starts knowingly catfishing Jamey, whom thinks he’s actually messaging Veronica.

She honestly has one of those faces you just wanna punch, right?

You still following? Okay good. Now let’s break it down.

I’m assuming Sierra Burgess was meant to be the typical “unattractive but actually a really nice person” kinda character you generally see in high school movies, right? I mean, you have Veronica who plays her opposite as the “pretty mean girl”, and then you have Dan, who fills the role of “underappreciated best friend whom isn’t a love interest”. And of course, Noah Centineo and his fine ass playing Jamey, the “handsome jock but actually has a deeper personality than you’d think”. So you’d think all these fairly stereotypical characters would stay in their damn lanes, right?

WRONG!

For starters, Veronica evolves into the most likeable character by the end of the movie by far. Sure, she started off as the typical “I’m pretty so I hate everyone else” kinda bitch, but you see there is way more to her than meets the eye during the film; for starters, she’s not a rich daddy’s girl like most Queen Bees are, and she’s not overly vindictive either. By the end of the film, as she formulates a friendship with the very undeserving Sierra, you see that she is the most genuine character on this film, and honestly everything good in the world, you want to happen to Veronica.

But wait… shouldn’t you want this to happen to Sierra?

Well no, because Sierra is a twat and deserves horse shit. Let’s start with the most obvious: she is knowingly catfishing someone and enjoying it. Not only that, in her twisted, deluded mind, she believes her and Jamey are a thing, even though he doesn’t know he’s actually talking to this repugnant human being. Oh, and let’s not get started on the fact that she pretends to have a FUCKING PHYSICAL DISABILITY when she meets Jamey in person for the first time. That’s right, folks; this troll of a human pretends to be deaf – while in the presence of Jamey’s actually deaf brother – just because she’s paranoid that Jamey will recognise her voice. Why couldn’t you just disguise your voice, mate? Or, I don’t know, don’t catfish people in the first place so you don’t get thrust into this situation? Did I also mention that Sierra makes some friend call out to Jamey for her and says “Do this favour for me. I’m meant to be deaf.”

Before I continue with this next part, I need to explain that Sierra enlists in Veronica’s help to catfish Jamey, which in fairness, is a pretty shitty thing for Veronica to do, but Sierra maliciously manipulated her into it by promising her free tutoring in exchange for this stupid catfishing plan.

You still with me? Okay good.

Veronica does all of these favours for Sierra in her stupid scheme to seize a boyfriend, because boyfriends are the most important thing in the world – including going on a date with him, offering to send him nudes, and FaceTiming with him – and they become quite close friends. And through all of that, when Sierra sees Jamey kiss Veronica – because, you know, that’s who he thinks he’s fucking talking to, Sierra, you stupid bitch – Sierra hatches the most disgusting revenge plan on Veronica, who by all means is just an innocent bystander who was sucked into this plan. Sierra airs Veronica’s private business on screen for everyone to see at the big climactic football game after hacking into her supposed friend’s Instagram. Veronica figures out that it was Sierra and tells Sierra – and I’m paraphrasing here – “You think you’re so ugly on the outside. Well, your inside is way uglier.”

Yaaaasss bitch, speak the truth. And I’m pretty sure Sierra’s only comeback was “Well you kissed Jamey.” Think about that for a second. You kissed a boy that thinks he’s falling in love with you, so I smeared you for the entire school to see.

But, even after all of this, Sierra gets the happy ending. Jamey catches onto hers and Veronica’s plan, avoids them both, but then Veronica is the first one to make a move and apologise to Jamey and explain to her what’s going on, and then Jamey shows up to Sierra’s house and basically says he forgives her because Sierra is the kinda girl that Jamey’s always wanted.

And that’s where I call bullshit.

This entire movie, Sierra has shown that she is a revolting human, moreso on the inside, as she was willing to throw her friend under the bus, just to get a boyfriend. And yes, because I’m superficial, I’m just going to say it – she’s not pretty either. And HELLO! If Sierra is the kinda girl that Jamey always wanted, why didn’t he approach her at the beginning of the movie, instead of Veronica? No, Jamey. You’re into the hot girls. Stop lying to yourself.

And at the prom, everyone forgives Sierra, including the aforementioned Dan who really had no purpose in this movie. Did I mention that Sierra got everyone to forgive her by singing a song whining about how she’s different toe everyone and why doesn’t anyone notice me? Bull-fucking-shit.

So basically, if you wanted a short version of this entire article, here it is: Sierra Burgess catfished NOAH FUCKING CENTINEO an innocent boy, pretended to be deaf, manipulated a girl she was tutoring to join her sick plan, and hacked her supposed friend for a revenge plot that had no real reasoning behind it whatsoever, and yet she gets the happy ending?

If it were up to me, Veronica should’ve ended up with Jamey, because they were the only real decent people in this entire movie. And Sierra should’ve been tossed into the trash where she belonged from the start.

There. Venting over. I feel better now.

If you ignore all of the above, though, it’s actually a pretty good movie. You should watch it.

– by Noah La’ulu

Dear Inglis

Dear Inglis,

There are so many things that will be different now that you are gone; no longer will I be greeted by your big head and your wagging tail when I go to mum and dad’s house; no longer will I be followed into the guest room where you will inevitably sleep on the floor next to me if I had to crash there; and no longer will I fuss about what to buy you for your birthday and for Christmas.

This will forever be my favourite photo I captured of you.

When you looked up at me with pain in your eyes as you took your last breaths on this earth, I have never felt a heartbreak worse than that. You were the love of my life. You are the love of my life. I always said that no matter whom was thrust into my life, they couldn’t compare to you, because no one would ever be as happy to see me as you were. And to see you go to sleep for the final time has completely destroyed me. I knew that you were in pain, and the only thing worse than seeing you fall to a final sleep, would be to see you try to get through every day as your body slowly succumbed to the cancer that had eventually brought an end to your happy, full life.

I still remember when we first got you as a little innocent puppy, and I thought I could get in before everyone else did, and I called you Zelda, even though you were a boy. I even tried to call you Zelda after we had officially named you Inglis Cronk Slater Smith just to see if you’d respond, and you didn’t. You were too clever for my little shenanigans.

Never too good to sleep on the bed.

And then you grew up, and you were an absolute rascal. I wondered if those flappy ears on that big noggin of yours were just for decoration; you would do things that would irritate us, and you knew it would irritate us, but you’d do it anyway. You would bark at nothing, and I would open the door to tell you to be quiet, and you’d look up at me sheepishly, knowing that you were in trouble. But as soon as that door was shut again, BARK BARK BARK.

I wouldn’t exactly call you the smartest dog in the canine species as well. You wore that participation award at puppy school with pride, probably because you knew deep down that you wouldn’t be as smart as the other dogs. I often compared you to the stereotypical jock of Hollywood high school movies: big, handsome, athletic, and stupid as hell. The permanent look on your face told me “I’m Inglis, I’m hungry, do you like food? Because I like food. My name is Inglis. Did I mention I like food?” I’m glad that of the few things that you retained in that beautiful big head of yours, you learned to do your toilet business outside, as taught to you by my handsome Border Collie x Kelpie, Stumpy.

My favourite thing about you was when you would know if you were in trouble if I used your full name. Inglis Cronk Slater Smith. I said it so many times when I was angry at you that it just slipped off the tongue so effortlessly. But you knew when it was a simple ‘Inglis’, you were in the clear, and you would waltz on over with a smile on your face.

Actually, no. My favourite thing about you was how you would know when I was upset, and you would fight tooth and nail to get to me and lick the tears off my face and give me as many kisses as you possibly could just to show that through all the heartache and pain I may had faced, you still loved me. And that was enough. And it really was. I’m just annoyed it took me a while to see that.

“Can you hurry up so I can eat my damn cake, please?”

Often when someone refers to someone as “the love of their life”, they go on dates, right? Well, we did that. In the last weeks of your life when I was housesitting to look after you, I would order in food – and not share with you, regardless of that look you gave me – and we would watch movies on Netflix. Remember how much you liked How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? I don’t think you left my side when we watched that. However, you weren’t so keen on Christmas With a View, which I don’t understand, because as your owner, you should’ve adopted my liking for terrible Christmas movies.

Some people may haven’t been as happy to see me as I would’ve liked, but you always were. And when I saw you in the last minutes of your life, and you saw the tears flowing out of my eyes, with your last ounces of energy, you raised your head and licked it away, because you knew that I needed your comfort at that moment more than I’ve ever needed it before.

Whenever I hear Don’t Stop by No Doubt, I won’t think of how it’s one of my favourite all-time songs; it will serve as a reminder of our bond. I remember it so clearly, as if it were yesterday; I held you in my arms, and belted out those Gwen Stefani lyrics, and watched in amusement as you tried to squirm out of my hold as I potentially rendered you partially deaf with my horrible singing voice squealing.

I will always love you, my baby.

In your last moments with me, my baby, I could tell you knew what was going to happen. Your eyes were red and sad, because you knew you would be saying farewell to me and to the rest of your family. But we couldn’t let you live like that, my big boy. There was no way we could do that.

But what I wouldn’t give to wake up and see you on the floor next to me, laying on your back with your paws in the air, with your mouth drooping; or to see you look at me sitting on the sofa, and then you would place one paw on the couch, as if to ask me “So can I come up there and sit with you?”; or to just give me those kisses that I needed so much when I felt as broken as I do now. I really need those kisses now, Inglis, but I have to make peace with the fact that I will never get them again.

Rest easy, my beautiful baby boy. Tell Stumpy I miss him, and now I hope you can enjoy all the rope games, and eat all the chocolate guilt free like I do, knowing that it can’t harm you now. You have been the most beautiful, loyal and caring dog, and anyone who has come into contact with you over the years is that much better off having known you.

I love you so much Inglis Cronk Slater Smith, and I will never forget you. You will always hold a special place in my heart.

With love,

Noah/Nikki xoxo

Why Asuka’s Streak Has Ruined WWE’s Women’s Evolution

Someone had to say it.

One of the greatest talking points about WWE currently has been Asuka’s undefeated streak. Ever since she debuted in NXT back in mid-late 2015, Asuka has won every match thrown her way, and has defeated very formidable opponents like Sasha Banks, Bayley, Nia Jax, and Eva Marie. That’s right. I said it. Eva Marie was a formidable opponent, but more on that later.

A Goldberg-like run through the women’s division should be a breath of fresh air, right?

Well it isn’t. I’ll repeat myself: Asuka’s undefeated streak has ruined not only the WWE women’s division, but the entire women’s revolution in general.

“I was saying boo-Asuka”.

If you want to compare Goldberg’s streak to Asuka’s, the main difference is that Goldberg had a lot of other male superstars to go through, so fresh new match-ups could be made on the reg, and it didn’t really feel like his dominance was becoming outdated or boring. On the other hand, the WWE women’s division – taking into consideration both Raw and Smackdown Live – has around 20 active superstars, give or take. That doesn’t leave Asuka with much variety of matches. Her run on Raw has been lacklustre as she has cleaned through every woman on the division, and has had several match repetitions which should’ve been heralded, but had the opposite effect, against the likes of Nia Jax and Alexa Bliss. Granted, her move to Smackdown will lead her to new match-ups, but it’ll be the same thing, and shortly after, it will become stale again.

In regards to the booking of it, at first it was cool, thinking “Ooohhh I wonder if this chick is finally going to beat Asuka’s streak” kept the matches interesting; now, it’s just boring and predictable, and that predictability has ruined the WWE product. Every time you see Asuka come out for a match, whether it be a singles, tag-team or even a Bra and Panties gauntlet match, you just groan because you know that Asuka’s going to win, regardless of whom she is facing, or if she’s squashed by a piano falling from the sky. Take the Mixed Match Challenge for example: this fun and interactive form of wrestling that has made dream mixed teams like Braun Strowman and Alexa Bliss, or Finn Balor and Sasha Banks, has now basically become a laughing stock, as you know that all these teams will be fed to the Miz and Asuka, and then eventually, the Miz and Asuka will win the entire thing, solely because Asuka is on the team, and if she is going to have her streak broken, it won’t be on the Mixed Match Challenge.

I respect Asuka as a wrestler and a performer, but she isn’t my favourite. And you think that would play into my disliking of her booking, but it actually isn’t. If you know me well enough, you know that I identify a lot with the pretty model-esque girls of wrestling, like Sable, Stacy Keibler, Eva Marie, and currently, Mandy Rose. But do I want to see Mandy Rose bulldoze through the competition and go nearly three whole damn years undefeated? Hell no. And you can say “That’s because Mandy Rose isn’t a believable threat to the other women”; while that may or may not be true depending on your opinion, why the hell hasn’t Nia Jax gone nearly three whole years undefeated? She is a way more credible threat to the other female superstars. Additionally, using Nia as an example, she has been solidly booked since her main roster debut – give or take a few questionable decisions (like that strange storyline she had with Enzo Amore) – and she has taken clean losses, but her dominance has remained the same. If Jax can be booked to lose but still keep her momentum, then the same could’ve worked for Asuka.

If WWE want to add a much needed breath of fresh air to their women’s division, they need to let Asuka lose to Charlotte Flair at WrestleMania. What better place to lose your first match in WWE than on the grandest stage of them all, and against a name like Charlotte Flair. If Asuka goes on to win the Smackdown Women’s Championship, and then successfully defends it time and time again in predictable matches, then I will have no choice but to bash my own head with a brick.

If Asuka doesn’t lose to Charlotte at ‘Mania, then at least have Carmella come in and cash in on her and beat her. Done. I would be happy with that.

Now back to Eva Marie. While Asuka hasn’t technically lost a match in WWE, let me just take you on a history lesson back to the NXT women’s battle royal to determine a #1 contender at the beginning of January 2016. Asuka eliminated Billie Kay and Peyton Royce and appeared to be the last woman standing… but then Eva Marie ran in and eliminated her.

Eva Marie is ready for Asuka!

So, as of writing, the person to come the closest to actually defeating Asuka… is the Red Queen, Eva Marie.

You’re welcome.

– by Noah La’ulu