You Know What Sh!ts Me?: Those Bloody Kardashians

Okay. I’ve cracked it. I’ve actually had enough.

If you avoid mainstream media for the same reason I’m about to rant about, then let me catch you up to speed on a story I’m absolutely sick of hearing: Kim Kardashian was robbed in an elaborate heist. That’s it. Nothing more needs to be said about it.

The one time this face will appear on my website... unless she does something else to piss me off. (SOURCE: Instagram: @fyonka240's Flickr photostream)

The one time this face will appear on my website… unless she does something else to piss me off. (SOURCE: Instagram: @fyonka240’s Flickr photostream)

Then why does mainstream media continue to obsess and update on this story? A chick got robbed. Big deal.

When I studied journalism, I learned the fundamentals of showbiz journalism: extraordinary things that happen to ordinary people, you report it. Ordinary things that happen to “extraordinary” people, you report it. Eg: a woman from Geelong saves thirty people from a house fire, you report it. If Khloe Kardashian sneezes, unfortunately, you report it.

I get it. That’s how the world works, and unfortunately, it’s true that some people do care about these “celebrities”. But when Kim Kardashian’s daily life takes precedence over the consistent devastation of a civil war in a foreign country, or a country having a sickeningly powerful control of propaganda within their jurisdiction, it gets a bit fucking ridiculous.

It’s sad that this stupid family’s reportings have tarnished my passion for journalism. I don’t want to get involved in an industry whose main interest is “OMG what did Kylie wear the other day?! Let’s find out!”

Personally – from my strong opinion – if you care about what this family does, you really need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. If you do care about what this family does, you have to take a look in the mirror and question the reflection staring back at you as to why you care so much about a PR contrived family who are about as real as the bleached blond hair on my head. If you do care about what this family does, then you are missing out on all of the great people out in the world who are actually contributing to society, rather than tarnishing it. If you do care about what this family does, you miss out on the stories that are actually changing the world that you currently live in.

I mean, wouldn’t it be rough if you were taken from your home by foreign soldiers because you missed World War III for a new fucking Kylie Jenner lip kit coming out.

As a lighthearted way of proving that there are so many stories out in the world that have way more importance than what Kourtney Kardashian is eating, I’m going to compile several fake headlines and opening paragraphs of stories that fucking should take more importance than what the bloody Kardashians are up to.

Totally Fake But More Important than Kardashian-related Headlines

World War III breaks out, Australia considering joining
by Nikki Roivas

Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull may send Australian forces to join World War III.

Global aid foundations join forces to end world hunger
by Nikki Roivas

Several top charity organisations have come together to end world hunger, starting with tackling the poverty-stricken Sierra Leone.

Friendly dog smiles for the camera
by Nikki Roivas

A cheerful neighbourhood dog was caught smiling candidly for the camera.

Scientists discover that water is wet
by Nikki Roivas

Australian scientists have found through thorough research that water, also referred to as H2O, is wet.

Local under 8’s soccer team beat their rivals
by Nikki Roivas

The under 8’s South-Western Rouse Hill Pillowfluffers have beaten the North-Eastern Rouse Hill Vacuum Cleaners 2-0 in the quarter finals of the local tournament.

Glass of Fanta spilled on kitchen bench
by Nikki Roivas

A local man was horrified to discover he had accidentally spilled his glass of Fanta on his kitchen counter.

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On a serious note, if you’re reading this and you find yourself obsessed with the daily happenings of the Kardashian/Jenner/West/East/South/Hudson/Maxwell/Oliviera/Valentine family, then I strongly suggest you veer away from your regular news sources COUGH DailymailPerezHiltonENewsOnline COUGH and read something a bit more heavy and deep, like Al Jazeera or even BBC WorldYou know, things that actually matter.

Or a story about a man spilling his glass of Fanta on his kitchen bench. Because I swear that is way more fucking important than Kim Kardashian being robbed and the thousands of follow up stories about it.

– by Noah La’ulu

#NKinNA16: Part 6 – The Credits

Six weeks seems like a long time, especially for a holiday.

But when you’re travelling with the best travel partner and the most amazing group of friends, then that time will just fly by, and soon you’ll be sitting back in your home, typing furiously away at your laptop keyboard about your experiences because you refuse to let go of what once was.

What I would like to do now is write about all the people who made this trip incredible. Without you, I wouldn’t be writing this #NKinNA16 travel blog, because my experience would have been horrible and I would have nothing to write home about.

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The obvious starter for my round of shout outs is Kate: for six weeks, I got to wake up to you every morning, travel the great continent of North America with you, eat a rotation of cheese pizza and portabello sandwiches with you, and overall have the greatest time on the other side of the world with you. You are truly an incredible person, an amazing friend, and the best travelling partner I could have ever asked for. Thank you for snuggling me after our nights out with the group so we could talk about our feelings. Thank you for bringing me meatless Big Mac meals even when I didn’t expect it. Thank you for “taking walks” at the last minute. And thank you for being as selfless as one can be. This has been the adventure of a lifetime, and I can’t wait to take more with you.

To my family ElleNate and Aidan: thank you for taking Kate and I around Salt Lake City and being the best hosts ever. I can’t wait to see you guys again, when all three of you eventually move (back) to Australia. I’m not giving you a choice.

To my friends on the other side of the world who took the time out to see me, Emma and Nick: I love you both. Nashville was great because I got to see you, Emma, and reminisce on how totally not innocent we both were. Nick, thank you for bending over backwards to accommodate me in Cleveland, but next time, we have to spoon.

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To my original Mean Girls, Angela and Eliza: we clicked from day one, and judging by how much I miss you, it’s clear to see why. You girls were the best, plain and simple. As a Regina, I couldn’t have asked for a better Gretchen and Karen. And to your respective room buddies Russell and Simon, it was a darn pleasure getting to know y’all, and I can’t wait to catch up with all four of you some time in the near future. Perhaps Kate and I will join you for another round at Cheesecake Factory somewhere? #squadgoals (Somehow, somewhere, I will get a recording of you in Kanab, Russell, and I will hold it over your head forever)

Mike and James: I got along with the both of you very quickly, and always felt at ease when surrounded by one or both of you. If you’re reading this on your current journeys, don’t have too much fun without me. I’ll get jealous. Also, I didn’t get to sing Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me to you, so I guess that means I’ll have to see you when you get home.

To my bitches colloquially referred to as the “Adelaide Girls”, Courtney, Ashley and Georgia: keep Ashley in check. We all know how slutty rowdy she can get. I love you girls, and am glad I got to know you during the short time we had with each other. When I come to visit Kate, y’all better get Radelaide prepare for #CycloneNikki. Also just a sidenote to Ashley: shake shake shake shake shake.

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My two protectors on tour, Big Red and Micco: I could get away with 90% of the stuff I did on tour because I knew y’all were there to back me up if I needed it. Big Red, I loved my cuddles from you, and I think you’re a spectacular person that deserves the world. I just hate your grubby NRL team. I also miss saying “Big Red! Where are you? Aren’t you meant to carry me everywhere?”

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My rowdy Chicago taxi ride home crew Ally and Lauren: I miss y’all so much, and along with the boys from Melbourne and Eliza, missed you two the most from North by North East. Ally, we were destined to get along; after all, we are the Bottle Blonde Bitches together. Thank you for enduring the rape-by-water jet boat ride with me, and for being a vulgar nympho with me. Lauren, I can’t send you my sneaky pictures anymore for obvious reasons, but somehow I will keep our tradition alive.

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To both of my lovers on tour, Jacob and Esther: I love you both. Jacob, you are sensational in every sense of the word because you are not afraid to be true to yourself. You have this infectious personality that affects everyone around you, and people can’t help but want to be in your general vicinity. Esther, you are by far one of the most beautiful souls I have met. Your insides are as beautiful as your outsides (which is a lot). Can’t wait to see you somewhere in this small world of ours. Also, my mum is excited to meet her new daughter-in-law.

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My boys Brandon, Lochie and Rohan: catch you guys on the flipside. I loved meeting all three of you, and having the privilege of seeing you again after you got off tour. Lochie, you are one of the true gems of the world, and I will always love you for who you are. Rohan, I don’t know if you remember, but Kate entrusted a drunken Nikki to you one night in Boston, and you got me home safe and sound. I will never forget that. Brandon, McGregor is better than Diaz. Deal with it.

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My Grand Canadian girls Samantha, Jessica Lee and Ellie: all three of you are just great. There’s nothing more I can add to that. I will miss our bitchy messages to each other, Sam, but I think we’ll find a way to keep it going. Ellie, I will see your fine ass around. There’s no way a bond like ours can be broken by time.

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My breakfast buddies Ashleigh and Ashley: I apologise for not video chatting you when I had breakfast without you guys so I could keep our tradition alive, but lack of data got in the way. Alternatively, it was too awkward to do it in front of a bunch of old people. When I slather strawberry-flavoured cream cheese on my toasted bagel, I will think about our times together and smile.

To my Kiwi boys Johnny and Hadleigh: kia kaha. It was pre-determined that I would love you guys, and y’all didn’t let me down. Hadleigh – thank you for being mine and Sasha’s protector in the now infamous haunted house experience, and for being an all-around top bloke. Johnny – you stay true to yourself, because you’re a rare light in this dark world of ours.

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My Contiki Awards Committee 
JJ, Amber and Amy: I have no worries about you girls, because I know we’ll stay close friends in the future. I’m so glad I had the chance to get close with all three of you, and am happy about the experiences we shared together: from our near-death experience at Pie for the People, to mine and Amber’s “proposition” in Chicago. We truly lived Contiki with #noregrets.

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To the backbone of the tour Bree and Sasha: if you two weren’t on tour, I can guarantee it wouldn’t have been as near as fun as it was with you. Both of you clicked so naturally, and it was easy to see why; you both radiated this positive euphoric energy that was hard to miss. I’ll miss our intense grinding sessions on the DF, our late night hair dyeing sessions (Bree), and making seemingly-innocent-but-really-ditzy comments to the disappointment of others (Sasha).

469To the other members of the Thunder from Down Under crew Veegz and Tarni: it was such a delight having the opportunity to meet you and get to know the both of you. Veegz, stay as beautifully blunt as ever, and keep up your outspoken crusade against animal cruelty. Tarni, you’re just going to have to move to the east coast to catch up with those of us over here. It has to be done.

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To my handsome boys – whom I am now dubbing “The Three Musketeers – LukeMax and Jacko: getting to spend 14 of the 26 days with you boys was a pleasure. Luke, you’re a genuinely beautiful soul, and your girlfriend is lucky to have someone like you. Also, I need to mention the elephant in the room, which is your big, round, perky butt. Max AKA ‘Arry, probably one of the best people I’ve ever met. You’re an amazing guy, and I want to protect you from the world forever so you will never lose that smile of yours. Jacko, while we may have started off rocky (because you’re an asshole, but also because I’m a stubborn bitch), we ended up okay. I mean, we almost got married, so that’s saying something? As you may know, I’m a needy fiancee, so you’re gonna have to deal with that for the rest of your life. Soznotsoz.

To my true blue Aussie blokes Ben and Jeremy: we’re proof that polar opposites can still get along. I almost had nothing in common with the both of you, but grew to truly love you for who you were. Can’t wait to attend your 21st Jeremy, so you can introduce your father to the enigma that is Nikki.

Bec, Jess and Becky: thank you to the former two for teaching me how to play the wheel spinning game at Harrah’s. Bec, thank you for sharing your “experiences” with me so I could (happily) live vicariously through you. And Becky, you beautiful Geordie soul, thank you for giving me the most intense massage of my life, and for being a pure radgie like. Proper mint like you are.

The dynamic duo of Hayley and Mish: you girls were sent from the heavens to join this tour, and I’m glad I met the both of you. Hayley, thank you for helping me through my first experience playing blackjack at a table. Mish, thank you for dancing with me and promptly kissing me afterwards. It was great.

To my awesome Contiki leaders Phil and Ray: thank you for giving me the best Grand Northern experience I could have ever asked for, and for letting me be me. Even if Phil refused to play Clueless for me, I wouldn’t have changed anything about my tour. Plus, I will never forget to bring ma trash.

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And to my wonderful host and friend in LA Serena and your beautiful mother Beatrice: thank you for having Kate and I on our Contiki detox. You guys were the best and more than accommodating, and I’m glad that after meeting you last year, we were able to keep our friendship alive.

And to everyone else on tour who contributed to this awesome experience, simply thank you.

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Until my next adventure…

– by Noah La’ulu

#NKinNA16: Part 5 – All Good Things

“Flames to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things come to an end?”

Yaaassss Nelly Furtado, speak the truth.

Welcome back to #NKinNA16, and we’ve unfortunately reached the end of the tunnel. That’s right; my six week journey is winding down and reaching the end of the track, and I am not the slightest bit happy about it. But the show must go on, so let’s continue.

After leaving Kanab the place we do not speak of, we were headed to probably the pinnacle of this tour, especially for those who joined us in Chicago: Las Vegas, Nevada. Now, if you haven’t been to Sin City before, it might surprise you that Las Vegas – the world’s busiest 24/7 city – is literally just placed in the middle of a desert. You’ll be driving through sand and road, and you’ll sneeze and all of a sudden see all the bright lights of Vegas.

After all of the sightseeing, national parks, and unforgiven hotel room parties, the crew were excited to be in civilization again, let alone Sin City. It was a bittersweet moment forever: this was the stop everyone was waiting for, but it was also the last stop, but let’s not dwell on the latter just yet…

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We got to Harrah’s Las Vegas (our hotel for the next three nights), and after getting settled in our rooms, we got ready for our included dinner at Planet Hollywood. I’ve been here before and knew what was coming – a delicious blue alcoholic concoction served to you in a bloody fishbowl – but because the restaurant weren’t expecting so many fishbowl orders, they had run out of fishbowls. So we had two normally-huge-sized cocktail glasses full of this delicious blue drink, and here’s the picture to prove it.

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Afterwards, we were taken to the Grand Norther Contiki SURPRISE optional. Just in case anyone is reading this and is thinking of doing this tour, I won’t spoil it mention what the surprise is, but I will say that you will enjoy it.

What soon followed was a trip to the Old School Vegas, AKA Fremont Street, which featured a pretty awesome Imagine Dragons light show. I love my Imagine Dragons, so I really got into it. Oh, and Fremont Street also played host to some giant ass alcoholic slushies, so seeing the size of them, Jacko and I decided to share one. I still don’t know how we managed to finish it. It was neverending.

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Our first night out in Vegas soon followed, and we hit up a place called Ghost Bar. Now, I enjoy my nights out just like every other Joe Blow does, but what I really don’t like about partying in Vegas is the long, painful process to simply get into a nightclub. We had VIP treatment thanks to these two wanky douchebags who don’t look like they’ve done a proper day’s work in their life VIP club promoter guys, and we were still waiting in line for like half an hour. Also, the sexism in Vegas is so real.

After some dancing, drinks, and all around fun with the crew, I finished my night a bit early and returned back to the hotel. Not without some excitement and drama at 2am in a hotel corridor, but whatever.

The following day – after Kate and some others were denied entry to the Chainsmokers Pool Party because the tickets they rightfully purchased weren’t sent to them on time like it bloody should have – Kate and I decided to walk around Vegas and hit the Fashion Show mall. We also looked around the Strip to see what else it had to offer, which is pretty much everything.

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Dinner was fend-for-yourself, so Kate, Angela, Russell and I caught up with our Grand Canadian friends Courtney, Georgia and Ashley and had dinner at Hard Rock Cafe. I stan portabello mushroom burgers so much, and boy do Hard Rock Cafe do a mean ass portabello mushroom burger.

My year-long goal was about to be accomplished, because JJ, Tarni, Veegz, Angela and I waltzed on over to the Excalibur where we would attend our first Thunder from Down Under show. If you have no idea what that is, just picture Magic Mike but with Aussie men (so basically sexier, less mannequiny looking men).

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It was definitely an experience to be had, and it was also marginally better than the traumatising experience I had in the Montreal strip club with the “shake shake shake” girl. The dancing wasn’t too crash hot – or maybe that’s because I have a dance background and am judgmental about it – but the guys were nice to look at… at least from afar. Once they got close and started gyrating their genitals in my face, my mind changed. And they took that as a challenge.

This picture accurately shows you what I saw…

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Anywho, after our successful second night out in Vegas, JJ and I played a couple of games downstairs in Harrah’s before calling it a night and heading to bed.

Our third day was full of shopping – like, full of it. Thinking I would be able to fend off everything and not spend a cent, I ended up leaving with MORE Harley Quinn merchandise, some clothes for my niece and nephew, and this wicked ass Jordan’s that I only really bought because Nikki Bella would wear them. They’re pretty cute, I guess.

As it was our last night together as a family, we went out to the XS Nightclub after an included limo ride down the strip with free terrible, terrible tasting champagne. XS Nightclub is a bit fancy… and by a bit, I mean a lot. It was a bit too uptight for my liking, so I didn’t last long there. (What’s with my hating the nightlife in Vegas?) I did befriend these really lovely Samoan gentlemen though. All around the world, right?

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Not wanting to end my last night in Vegas on a sour note, a few of us went back to the casino in Harrah’s and played some roulette and table blackjack. I’ve never played blackjack at a table before, so I’m glad I got to break that virginity in Sin City. Also, I lost all of the money I stole borrowed from Hayden and Big Red. Oops.

The following morning – after a stellar buffet breakfast in Harrah’s – we went back onto the coach for our last trip together forever. We farewelled Hayden and Shaun, who were staying in Vegas for the remainder of their trip, and boarded the coach to Los Angeles, California. Despite desperately needing sleep, I wasn’t going to sleep on our last journey ever.

The coach trip was spent sharing favourite memories, talking among our new family members, and all-around general banter. Near the end of our ride, we were allowed to dedicate songs to other people on tour, so of course I got up and dedicated All In My Head (Flex) by Fifth Harmony to Kate. She knows what’s up.

We arrived at our destination in LA – where we were surprised by four of our former Contiki friends – and the goodbyes soon followed. I cried. A lot. I loved my Contiki Grand Northern family so much. I couldn’t have asked for a better group… but I’m getting too ahead of myself. That’s what part five is for. I’m going to miss my banter with Philip as well; one of the few men who can call me a slut and live to tell the tale.

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After saying our goodbyes, Kate and I headed on over to Burbank (a cute suburb of LA) to join our Contiki tour manager from last year Serena, who hosted us for the last three nights of our American trip. After dinner and some quick grocery shopping, we settled for an innocent girl’s night with second-attempt popcorn, Harry Potter, and chats catching each other up over the last year.

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Our first proper day in LA was standard: we went to Disneyland! Serena, who wasn’t even “on duty” as they say, was the best tour guide around Disneyland, and told us where everything was, showed us where we could buy what, and made sure we went on every ride and show possible.

Story time: so I wanted to crack one of the Disney actors and make them break character, so my first target was Gaston. Serena asked him for a selfie, and in perfect Gaston character, he turned her down. After this, I asked him if he wanted to make out later, to which he swiftly replied “I’m taken!” Disney – 1, Nikki – 0. We went to go see the Princesses afterwards (Cinderella, Snow White and Ariel), and I tried each of them. Told Ariel I was going to dress up as Nicki Minaj for Halloween, to which she says “Is she a Princess?” Although when I said “Waddup Ariel”, she did reply “Waddup”, so that’s like half a point to me. Disney – 2, Nikki – 0.5. When Snow White asked what kind of pie she should make the dwarves, I said “Apple pie, although you don’t really have a good track record with apples, do you?” She giggled and shook her head, and suggested some other form of pie. Disney – 3, Nikki – 0.5. Said “Sup Cindy” to Cinderella, and she says in her sick, sweetly voice “Oh hello there!” Not only that, but when I mentioned the plane ride from hell from Australia, she said “Did you fly by pumpkin carriage?” Disney – 4, Nikki – 0.5. Winner: Disney.

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Anywho… the rides were great. Disneyland isn’t as great as Disneyworld in Orlando, but it did the job. Splash Mountain was my favourite, and not just because of Kate’s face in this mid-ride shot.

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Serena had to leave to go to a hockey game, so we met up with our Contiki friends who were also at Disneyland and spent the rest of the day with them, including a nice Italian dinner in Downtown Disney. Being drained from all of the walking around Disney that day, Kate and I were out like a light that evening.

The next day, we were fortunate enough to get a free walking tour around the Warner Bros lot thanks to Serena’s beautiful mother. We got to ride a broomstick from Harry Potter, see the Suicide Squad costumes up close in the WB Museum, sit on the sofa from Friends and pretend to drink some form of coffee, and I also got to walk around Rosewood from Pretty Little Liars. All in all, I’d say it was a great experience.

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Serena then took us to Hollywood Boulevard, to which she warned me to “lower my expectations”. I did, and luckily I did, because Hollywood Boulevard is kinda underwhelming. Besides the long ass Walk of Fame and some other little tidbits, it wasn’t great, so we left Hollywood and took a scenic drive through LA, including Mulholland Drive where we happened to run into my pole goddess Hayley and her husband. WHAT ARE THE ODDS, RIGHT?

We dropped Kate off at Russell and Ange’s hotel, and Serena and I took off to do our own thang, which included Girls Night Part Two. With more snacks and more Harry Potter to watch, I’d say I spent my last night in LA very well. Oh, and we also had facial masks and more hair dye, so for about ten minutes, I looked like this.

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My last day in LA was spent in Santa Monica with my favourite people. Serena and I went on a walk along the pier, went on the rollercoaster (which GTA replica’d to a damn tee), and sat down on a swing and watched a very muscular, shirtless, attractive man work out the scenery at Mini Muscle Beach. As we were saying our goodbyes, we ran into Kate and our other Contiki friends, so Serena and I bid farewell to each other and I re-joined Kate, all the while tugging my luggage behind me up and down Santa Monica.

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Now, I’d rather not talk about the goodbyes and the journey home, so let me just leave you with this group shot of us before Kate, Russell, Ange and I headed to the airport for our loooooong flight home.

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What made the wait at the airport bearable was that us four also ran into Bree and Sasha, so all six of us sat around eating Panda Express and sharing our favourite (and unfavourite) moments of Contiki.

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And thus ends my #NKinNA16 trip. Six weeks, two countries, too many cities to count, all the amazing friends one could ask for, and the best travelling partner I could have. America and Canada 2016, you were the best, and I can’t wait to travel you once again in the future.

You might think my #NKinNA16 travel blog finishes here, but I’m not done. Not just yet. I’ve reserved part six for the most important part of any travel blog: the shoutouts. Because this trip wouldn’t have been so amazing without the awesome people who made it. For me, it’s not about the sights or the journey or trip, it’s about the people. The people really make your trip, and my new family certainly did.

Until then…

– by Noah La’ulu

#NKinNA16: Part 4 – National Park Mayhem

Previously on #NKinNA16…

I’m just kidding. You love me. You know what we’re up to.

So we left Keystone and Mount Rushmore behind, and we were on our way to Cody, Wyoming, which was our stop near Yellowstone National Park (not to be confused with Jellystone Park). On the way to Cody, we had a scenic tour through Bighorn National Forest, and we had a cute stop by a river. “Oh it’s just a short hike down,” they said, “you’ll enjoy it”, they said.

They lied. The hike down was terrible. The hike up was worse. No amount of beautiful creek streaming goodness was worth that hike. I will say no more on the matter.

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We reached our hotel in Cody, aptly named the Buffalo Bill Antler Inn. This hotel was quite charming in the fact that it had actual keys for the rooms. Like, the silver edgy key. What even.

Our first night had an included dinner of sorts, in that we were given $15 to spend on dinner, and given that most dinner options were more than $15, I didn’t understand. But yolo. The best part about this dinner place was that they had this kind of butcher’s paper for a tablecloth and encouraged us to graffiti it with crayons. My table, being the old children that we were, requested another tablecloth because we had filled ours quickly. Please enjoy my Picasso masterpiece below.

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Having been drained all day from hiking down and up that stupid hill, Angela and I called it a night while everyone else went out. Apparently we didn’t even miss a good night, so whatevs.

We were told to dress warm for Yellowstone National Park – and to also wear hiking appropriate clothing – neither of which I packed. So, I went to Yellowstone National Park in bloody cold weather dressed like this…

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We spent all day at Yellowstone – ALL day – and did not see a bloody bear. My sister and I are obsessed with bears and I was dying to see one, but it wasn’t meant to be. I mean, not like I was going to shoot it with a sleeping dart, bring it back to Australia with me, and adopt it as my own child…

If you’re a hiker, I’m sure you’ll enjoy Yellowstone National Park. Alas, I’m not a hiker, and I prefer the physical exercise of shopping, so I can’t honestly say I particularly enjoyed it. Also, the smell of fucking rotten egg sandwich sulphur that seemed to be on every possible hike you could do in Yellowstone National Park didn’t help either. I did manage to snap this really cute picture of me by the canyon though.

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The second night in Cody was also quite uneventful. We had dinner at a cute Italian restaurant that had a whopping size cheese pizza that even I, the infamous cheese pizza eating machine, could not finish; then we trotted on over to the laundromat to do our washing. Full of excitement, right?

Bags were to the coach at 7:45am as per usual and we were off to our next stop: Jackson (Hole), Wyoming. On the way to Jackson, we were blessed with probably the most beautiful view I have ever seen. The Teton Mountains (which is some other language for titties. There’s your fact for the day) provided us with postcard that-can’t-be-real views, and I snapped this really cute picture of myself in front of it.

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Jackson was probably one of my favourite stops due to the optional here (that pretty much everyone did): the Teton Trail Ride and Cookout. Basically, we were going on a horseback trail ride and getting fed “typical cookout” food. I had never ridden a horse before, so I was instructed not to wear the above outfit to sit on a horse, and it was recommended that I wear long pants. All my long pants were either A) dirty and needing to be washed or B) MIA, so I rode a horse in white jeans. And a Harley Quinn top.

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This was my favourite optional by far. My horse – his name was Kopenhagen and he was beautiful and he loved me – took me through this beautiful scenic trail (which got a bit narrow at times but yolo), and by the time Kopenhagen and I had to be separated, I began crying. #Kopenhagenikki 5eva.

The cookout dinner afterwards did the job, and we were also given a free beer for our troubles. Wait… scratch that… Ben was given my free beer for our troubles. After our cookout dinner, we were taken back to the ranch/farm/whatever you call it, and we were taught how to play some “traditional farm games”, like throwing an axe into a piece of wood, and properly using a lasso to rope up a fake bull made out of some metal. Because I’m iconic af, I managed to get the wrong end of the axe into the wood… oops.

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That night, my favourite underagers weren’t allowed into the bar, so I went with them back to the hotel and we opted to watch Sully at the movie theater across the road. Because I love Tom Hanks. Purse so heavy, gettin’ Oprah dollars.

The following day, we were off to Park City, Utah, which also included the obligatory “This is Mormon state, lemme tell you about dem Mormons” speech. We arrived to Park City in the evo (looks @ Genevieve Schwartz) with free time on our hands, so of course being the greatest f’in Grand Northern Contiki group ever, we opted to have a pool party – and we definitely did not have room parties along the way either. Nods head.

If you’re looking to do a Grand Northern, let me just mention that the hotel in Park City – should it not be changed between now and whenever you do it – is probably one of the nicer hotels on the tour. Enjoy it while you can.

Also, I had dinner at Denny’s. I fucking stan Denny’s so much.

After a quick but ovely stop at Park City, we were on our way to Kanab, Utah, which was the stop that was central to a couple of the national parks we would visit. Kanab, which is a very small town that didn’t have neither a club nor a bar, would actually be one of the most eventful stops of the trip… but more on that later.

On the way to Park City, we stopped by Bryce Canyon National Park. I’m sure it was beautiful. By that, I mean I didn’t actually see the canyon or the view of the canyon, because it was so damn foggy there that I could barely see what was in front of me.

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I was also lowkey worried that someone would fall down the canyon, survive the fall, resort to cannibalism, turn into a wendigo, and then I would be dragged by said wendigo while standing outside in my underwear yelling at my friends. If you didn’t understand any of that, I suggest you go out and play Until Dawn on PlayStation 4…

Oh. And look at this cute picture of me at Bryce Canyon.

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Our included dinner in Kanab was a cute kind of buffet style dinner, which didn’t offer much for me the vegetarian or Veegz the vegan. So they compensated for our loss with a single veggie pattie… not on a burger or anything, just a single veggie pattie. I appreciate the sentiment, I really do.

With absolutely nothing to do in Kanab at night time, the crew and I had some super ultra mega room parties – I mean, no we didn’t – and got to bond a bit more with the other Contikians on our trip. Over alcohol. Lots of it.

Anyway…

The next day, we were off to the Grand Canyon! Now, I won’t mention how, on the coach, I was irritated to the point of mental breakdown because a certain someone wouldn’t shut up and sounded like a broken damn record… but the short ride to the Canyon was tainted.

Having been to the south rim before, I kind of knew what I was in for, but I was still blown away by the beautiful views that nature had created here. Like, check out this beautiful view I had of the Canyon simply sitting on a deck chair.

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A few of us – Kate, Russell, Ange, Bree, Sasha, Jacko, Big Red and I – went exploring along the rim of the Canyon and took some awesome pictures along the way. Some of them decided to risk their damn lives for a few likes on Insty (looks @ Russell, Sasha and Jacko) but all-in-all, it was probably one of my favourite moments of the entire tour.

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We were treated with a pretty darn good lunch at the Canyon restaurant or whatever you want to call it, and soon we were back on the road back to Kanab.

Also, I just wanna chuck this cute family selfie in here because it’s amazing.

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This following scene is probably one of my most favourite moments of the entire tour. Philip in all of his handsome Bostonian glory planned a picnic slash sports day fun bonanza for us in a really beautiful park in Kanab, and Hayley and Mish decided to make it a dress-up picnic slash sports day fun bonanza. While most of us weren’t prepared for costuming, I pulled out my regular every day wardrobe and dressed up as Nikki Bella. You’re welcome.

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The evening had lots of food, drinks, laughter and fun, with the high point being a game of American football pitting Team Philip against Team Ray Ray Nikki. Under the wise tutelage of Ray Ray me, my team took the victory, undoubtedly because of my stellar defence skills. Just ask Hayden.

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After probably the most fun involving me playing sport ever, we went back to the hotel. Now this is where things got messy. How did they get messy, you ask? With an old fashioned room party intimate nightly gathering, of course.

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Drinks were flowing, beats were playing, bodies were swaying… and then chaos. Okay, so I can’t actually tell you what happened, but just picture me rolling around on the floor, screaming “things” while poor Kienan is trying to calm me down on the phone, and JJ is there trying to explain to Kienan why I am chucking a corridor tantrum in Kanab. And that’s not even the bulk of it.

Rule number one of this tour: we do not speak of Kanab.

Saved by the bell. This is where this portion of the travel blog ends. We have two more cities to go on this wonderful journey of mine, but being two of the biggest and most talked about US cities ever, you’ll understand why two cities needs its own post.

Stay tuned for the story of how one of the dancers from Thunder from Down Under thought it’d be okay to violently spank me in front of a crowd of horny ladies. It was definitely not okay.

– by Noah La’ulu