Body Dysmorphia as a Polynesian Pro-Wrestler

Posted in Body, Health & Fitness by

Deep breath. Here we go.

I’m a very confident person, and an outsider looking at me would think that I am totally confident and perhaps a little too confident? Either way, strangers, family and friends alike all have this perception of me that I love the way I am and the way I look. And it’s true, for the most part at least.

I have never had the healthiest relationship with my body, my weight, and the way I look in the mirror, and a portion of that was because of simple genetics. For those just tuning into Widow’s Lure, I’m biracial but predominantly Pacific Islander; I don’t have the exact ratios for you, but ethnicity-wise, I’m Māori, Samoan and Irish. And if you have never met a Polynesian person in your life, let me tell you from personal experience that because of how our genetics work, we are generally speaking a lot larger than other races, and we typically have the ability to grow muscle, put on weight and get bigger a lot easier than others.

Growing up in Australia and being exposed to western culture where all the advertisements showed conventionally attractive white folk who were either thin or ripped, at any stage of my life, I knew that my body did not look like that; dare I say I never had “the look”. I was always on the bigger side in both primary and high school, and even past my teenage years as I entered the workforce and studied at uni, I was still on the bigger side.

Learning to love the way my body looks has been a journey.

In 2017, when I first started wrestling training, I was still on the bigger side with not that much muscle mass. But then as I progressed with my training, I remember locking tf in and I ended up dropping over 15kgs, slimming and toning down, and being in really good shape. But because I was sitting at 90kgs, which is still considered quite heavy compared to other wrestlers in Australia, I still wasn’t happy with how I looked solely because of the number on the scales. Even though the mirror showed me a physically fit human and I could see the progress I was making through the gym and nutrition, I was still not happy with how I looked.

So I decided to bulk up and see if that would change how I looked at myself in the mirror. And because of bad habits, poor nutrition, and a general slothfulness, the bulk went the wrong way and I essentially put all the weight I had lost back on, and not in a good muscular way either. So I became even unhappier with the way I looked, especially considering the skimpy outfits I wore as Nikki Van Blair.

No matter how much I worked out and tried to eat better, my body still looked too big and not the right shape. But at the same time, I still had to convey the sexy, sassy and confident Nikki Van Blair that everyone had become accustomed to, so the skimpy outfits stayed but my perception of my body worsened. I point blank refused to weigh myself and steered away from scales, and was very selective of what kind of content I’d post on social media; content that suited the Nikki Van Blair brand but also hid parts of my body I was ashamed of through angles, clothing and poses.

At some point, I found myself annoyed at my genetics. I’d see wrestlers of other races either drop weight quickly or put on muscle quickly; even on top of that, just the wrestlers who were naturally smaller than me, I found myself envying them because why on earth could I not just effortlessly look like that.

Around 2022, I began to focus on what I was putting in my body and building muscle. I focused on my protein intake, followed a fairly solid gym workout routine and made sure I did some form of exercise (wrestling training included!) at least five days a week. I thought I was making solid progress because I could see my muscle development in the mirror… and then I weighed myself. I was officially the heaviest I’d ever been.

How on earth did I commit all this effort to bettering my health and my body and my scales are telling me that it was all in vain?

I know that muscle weighs more than fat – or to be more accurate, muscle is more dense than fat – and so a contributor to the numbers on the scales could be muscle gain, but to me, the numbers on the scale tell the full story. As a woman, especially a transwoman, being heavy is so humiliating and contributes to a dysphoria that didn’t need any further contribution to it. Like, how could a woman possibly weigh ___ kgs?

And as my fitness regime continued, and I followed a scheduled workout and included more daily steps and even reformer pilates into my routine, my weight would either stay stagnant or would go up even incrementally. I began enjoying for the most part of what I saw in the mirror, but the numbers on the scales destroyed my confidence.

And then I got a full body Evolt scan, and I finally had all of the numbers explained to me in a way that I understood. Turns out, I’m actually a lot healthier and fitter than I thought, and most importantly… my biological age is 27.

Understanding the actual science and numbers of my body helped my body dysmorphia a lot because now I recognise what’s happening inside my body and clock why the numbers are the way they are. Because of this, I have an appreciation for my Polynesian genetics and the relative ease I have to gain muscle. I might not be screaming my weight out loud because the numbers on the scale will always hold an unfortunate significance to me, but I am proud of the curvy muscular body I’ve worked hard to achieve. And now with the science behind me, I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. Now I just need to stay consistent and work hard to maintain this Jessica Rabbit figure of mine, especially since I’m 33-years-old.

Wait sorry. I’m 27.

– by The Black Widow

RHOBH’s Fall From Grace

Posted in Entertainment, TV by

How the diamonds have fallen…

For those playing at home, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was my introduction to Real Housewives in general; you could make the argument that RHOBH was my first love. Once I was hooked, I began going through the other franchises, and now I sit here a self-confessed Bravoholic and Real Housewives fanatic.

But you never truly forget your first…

Well, until your first takes a massive nose dive in terms of quality and entertainment and becomes the least watchable franchise of all the Real Housewives franchises.

Let’s take an unnecessarily deep dive into what made Beverly Hills so good, and where the disconnect with fans such as myself came.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen… (CREDIT: Bravo)

From its conception, Beverly Hills was immediately recognisable for its lifestyle porn and this is what set it apart from other franchises that existed at the time like New York and Atlanta. You had the obnoxiously enormous wealth of Lisa Vanderpump and Adrienne Maloof, in the Rodeo Drive setting of Beverly Hills, and you had an evolving group of women all with the healthy balance of delusion and aspiration for glamour. On top of this, the cast members put in the work to create compelling and real drama, to the point where I firmly believe that the first two seasons of RHOBH are some of the best Real Housewives seasons ever.

This momentum continued on, through accusations of witchcraft and doing coke in someone’s bathroom, until around season eight, which fans proclaim to be one of the worst seasons ever. Tbh I can’t even remember much from this season, besides Snoreit being super late to a lunch with Teddi, and Erika reading a lil frightened Teddi for filth for being accused of having pretend amnesia. On top of that, season eight saw two unfortunate recurring themes begin here:

1) They used a friend of (Camille) as the main villain for the season, and;
2) The unnecessary alliance of the Fox Force Five really sprouted here.

No Housewives season ever should use a friend of as a main season villain for the sole purpose that they are not a main cast member. If a cast is that desperate for a villain that they’re willing to get a friend of to fit that role, then something is wrong here.

In addition to this, Housewives alliances can be good, but they are mostly detrimental to the franchise as some housewives will even attest to, and the Fox Fraud Five are largely considered the worst Housewives alliance ever. Because five of them controlled the majority of the cast, it just seemed like anyone who was not in that group were immediately considered outsiders, and in an ensemble cast show where all of the women are meant to bond in some sort of way, it makes that objective sort of impossible to achieve.

Season nine, while introducing one of my all time favourites in Denise Richards, also saw a decrease in entertainment value as the main source of drama for the season was whether Snoreit gave a dog back to a shelter or not. This pitiful excuse for storyline was blown up that much that LVP refused to film with any of the other cast members besides Denise for the majority of the season (and ultimately skipped the reunion), and production were forced to pivot to find another person to fit the main villain role for the season… so they resorted to friend-of Camille for the role again. Watching the women gang up on this iconic friend-of at the reunion really began to signal the beginning of the end of the golden years for this franchise.

Speaking of gang ups, season ten saw one of the most heinous gang ups in the history of Real Housewives as the Fox Fraud Five led a blind charge against Denise solely because Denise didn’t want her children to overhear adults talking about sex, and Denise may or may not have had consensual sex with another woman. This was a prime example of how alliances, especially the Fox Fraud Five, can ruin a franchise, because any member of that group was basically untouchable while everyone else was considered fox food. And they all turned on Denise so hard I’m surprised they didn’t catch whiplash from it.

And genuinely, from season ten onwards, my interest in the franchise has noticeably slipped, to the point where we’re at now after season 15 has finished airing that I confidently believe that RHOBH is the worst franchise out of all of them, and it would take a miracle to revive this dead franchise from the ground.

For starters, the lifestyle porn aspect of RHOBH slowly disappeared after LVP’s dramatic exit from the franchise. Sure, Kyle is still wealthy and boring af; Snoreit likes to exude wealth in her obnoxious designer label outfits; and this was the city that really introduced glam squads thanks to Erika Jayne; but the aspirational wealth of these women became less and less prominent, and the perception of them changed from having “fuck you and your mother” money to just having a lot of money. Their nice houses just don’t slap the same when someone isn’t walking a camel through it.

Even though the Fox Fraud Five has since dissolved, their damage had been done, and the cast became so fractured and disjointed that you truly didn’t believe that they were all friends by the end of it. When Garcelle, Sutton and Crystal became a fan-favourite trio in seasons 11 and 12, it didn’t really seem like a true friendship, but more of a friendship of convenience because they knew they were the outsiders compared to the FFF and they had to stick together if they were expected to survive. Plus, we all know how fake the friendships within the FFF were.

On top of this, some of the casting choices over the past few years were absolutely abysmal. Annemarie Wiley will go down in history as one of the worst housewife castings of any franchise ever, and trailing not so far behind her was the utterly bizarre casting of Diana Jenkins. Annemarie’s main storyline was Sutton’s esophagus, and Diana lacked any shred of human empathy that makes a housewife even remotely likeable.

And now, for the cherry on top of the RHOBH Downfall Cake – and this is something that I think is a major fault of most if not all of the Housewives casts across the board – is that the cast have become too aware of their edit and how they present themselves when the cameras are up. Of course, I can understand that whenever a camera is present, you automatically become more self-conscious and aware of yourself and how you come across on screen, but what made the golden years of RHOBH so good was that the women were showing their true authentic selves, and nothing about it seemed self-produced at all. We all knew where we were when Kim accused Kyle of stealing her goddamned house, because that pain from Kim was so real that it was almost uncomfortable for us viewers to watch.

Now, we’re stuck with Kyle the lesbian pretending that sending her kids to college was showing the deepest and most raw parts of her life, meanwhile she’s questioned other women’s marriages, sexualities, finances, and livelihoods all for the sake of the show ratings; we’re stuck with Dorit still pretending to live a life of wealth yet we all know she’s facing money struggles, and her pretending that going through a divorce is equal to the life of a war-torn child in the Middle East; we’re stuck with the women pretending like Amanda Frances was this massive gamechanger disruptor to the cast, when in reality she was a small raindrop compared to the tsunami disruptor that was Brandi Glanville; and we’re stuck with women too scared to speak up and say what’s truly on their minds for fear of a bad edit.

These women are so aware of their edits that very little of what we’re getting is real, and we’re left to question what is actually going on in these women’s lives. As fans of reality TV, we shouldn’t be second guessing what we’re watching on screen because the show should be producing raw and real entertainment. Instead, we’re being fed scraps with a cast that’s too lazy to get off their asses and do the fucking work.

I want to see RHOBH come back from the grave and be as good as it once was, but for that to happen, there need to be some major changes. Like I’m talking RHONY season five levels of recasting, because this cast can’t thrive and we can’t enjoy the show for what it is if we’re forced to endure Vile Kyle vs. Snoreit for the third season in a row with Sutton throwing in quirky one-liners every now and then and Boz blindly agreeing with anything Snoreit says.

In conclusion, I’m going to leave you with five choice words: Give Dorit Her Pink Slip.

Please. For the love of all that is holy.

– by The Black Widow

So The Devil Wears Prada 2 Certainly Happened…

Posted in Entertainment, Movies by

One of the highlights of my year turned out to be not what I expected…

If you are a millennial and you’re a gal, gay or they, then you probably have an affinity for the 2006 comedy-drama film The Devil Wears Prada. Featuring a trio of absolutely incredible woman in Anne Hathaway, Emily Blunt, and Meryl “Can Literally Do Any Role Perfectly” Streep, The Devil Wears a Prada ushered in a cinematic masterpiece of high fashion, low cunning, and the boss from hell.

But my god, the fashion… iconic! Everyone knows where they were during that iconic Anne Hathaway outfit change montage to Vogue by Madonna.

Icons. Icons. Icons. Icons.

So if you’re a millennial gal, gay or they, then you were absolutely looking forward to The Devil Wears Prada 2 as much as I was. The iconic trio, as well as the effortlessly talented and handsome Stanley Tucci, all returned for a sequel 20 years later in what I’d like to think was one of the most highly anticipated sequels ever.

Now before I get into it, I want to preface this by saying this is not an official Widow’s Lure review. Instead, this is just me sharing my thoughts on the film in a constructive manner which does not suit the template that I’ve set for a Widow’s Lure review.

And it goes without saying, SPOILERS AHEAD. You have been warned.

I just watched The Devil Wears Prada 2 in an advanced girls night screening, and I expected a little fanservice because it was clear just from the trailer that that’s what they were after; reuniting the main four in the same environment with a new story, new drama, and new high fashions.

But from the first almost three or four minutes of the film, you can see so much blatant fanservice from the first film that the novelty quickly dies off and you understand the real purpose of the film. Like immediately, you could tell the directors were like “Hey yo, how many references to the first film can we make in this little introduction Andrea walking in NYC scene”? And it became very clear, this movie wasn’t made to tell a story; it was made to pander to the diehard fans from the first film, and it did not land the way it intended.

From the jump, it was almost like they were grasping at any reason to reunite the characters in the most unrealistic ways possible, and after quickly – and I stress the word quickly – putting them all in the same room through the sheer power of Prue Halliwell, the purpose of the film became clear, and it quickly unraveled after that.

To make it worse, as the movie progressed, it just seemed like they were making the plot up on the spot and just told the actors to just ‘wing it’ and ‘see what happens’, because the plot of the movie was so all over the place and did not have a clear direction. Like at no point did I know where the movie was going to go and where it was going to end, and not in a fun thriller kind of way.

I also feel like some of the character’s motivations and their personalities kind of disappeared for the sake of the movie. Andy’s fierce independence and passion for journalism disappeared and she quickly found herself happily up Miranda’s ass again. Miranda herself had her cold and bitter moments, but they were marred with some nice and character redeeming moments, which I don’t think suited the character personally. Just because she’s an icon, doesn’t necessarily mean she needs to be a hero, because the appeal of Miranda Priestly is in her being a capital K khunt. Even Nigel lost some of his sass and zingers to be a crowd-pleasing supporting character. It was just disappointing.

At least Emily was still a bad bitch.

I wouldn’t say I hated the movie, but as a big fan of the original, I can say that I was disappointed by how lazily the sequel was executed. This could’ve been so much better than what it was, and I feel like the actors and us the fans deserved a lot better. If you’re thinking of watching this film, I would say give it a go, but don’t be surprised if it disappoints you. I mean, I know I won’t be watching it again.

Oh well. At least the fashions were still iconic.

– by The Black Widow

Three Things I Learned About Myself While Filming Heel Turn

Posted in Entertainment, Lifestyle, Movies by

And now for a self-indulgent post.

Hello Widow’s Lureans. I know I’m super inconsistent with posting on here, but it’s actually a goal on my vision board to write more and post more on here. So to quickly catch you up to speed on the past couple of years of my life:

– My parents have been living in Fiji for the past three years, which means I’ve been living in their house rent free so I could save more spend more money on clothes and beauty. Nikki maintenance is very expensive.
– Still at the same job which I enjoy most of the time.
– Still wrestling, still slaying in the ring and out. Still paired with my soulsister Frankie B, while also exploring solo opportunities as well.
– Had a crew film a documentary on me which premiered at the Mardi Gras Film Festival 2026 and was a hit with the people in attendance.

Just a casual documentary. You know, no biggie.

Talk about length. Talk about drama. Talk about stones. Talk about comfort.

The aptly named Heel Turn focuses on myself and how I navigate the wrestling world as a queer transwoman of colour and how wrestling has helped and harmed me. But specifically, how I play a villainous character (heel) when society villainises parts of my identity that I can’t control anyway.

Over three separate days of filming (training at the PWA Academy, performing on a show in a match against Cosmo Cooper, and capturing some moments of me at my home), the wonderful crew worked with me to capture the real moments that show public Nikki and the vulnerable Nikki all wrapped up in an eight minute short film/documentary. Not only did I show them Nikki Van Blair, the ultra glamorous, confidently sexual and magnetically bitchy Queen Bee, but they also interviewed the somewhat serious, outspoken and unapologetic Nikki Hamilton, and in those moments, I found that I learned a few things about myself that I wasn’t consciously aware of before. I’m very intrigued by the psychology of humans and how everyone is fundamentally different from each other, and as someone who is as self-reflective as me – some would say I am too self-reflective –  I love discovering new things about myself, why I do things the way I do, and why I react to things the way I do.

So as an interesting thought piece, I wanted to share a few things with you that I learned about myself during or after the filming of Heel Turn with this fabulous crew.

1. I don’t have emotional walls built up; I have a door that I control.
We all know the saying that someone has walls built up to protect themselves from getting hurt. These walls can be beneficial, but in turn it stops people from getting to know the real you. I participated in a podcast interview for LGBT In the Ring with the director of the film Isabella, and she made a comment that I have a wall built up. I understand why she came to that conclusion because I know I do have a very noticeable public persona, but I respectfully disagree with her labelling. I don’t have a wall that people need to chip down or hurdle over; I have a door that I willfully control, and I can freely let people who deserve it into my inner thoughts and feelings and become vulnerable with them if and when I choose to. This documentary wouldn’t have worked if I refused to get raw and real with the team, and I found it easy to not only show them the Queen Bee, but also the woman who walks through life and navigates the wrestling world carrying an invisible burden through spaces that no one else has to think about. And that’s because I control that door, and I control that door handle.

2. I watch way too much Real Housewives
Now I’m very aware that I watch too much Real Housewives, but the actual point I want to make here is new to me. There is a point where the crew asked me how I felt after planning my match with Cooper, and by all means it was an easy and seamless experience as Cooper is great at what he does, he’s a professional, and I trust him not only as an opponent but as a friend as well. But because watching rich women scream at dinners has become second-nature to me, and knowing what they have to do as part of their job to create drama and entertainment, I brought up a small point of contention to the cameras between Cooper and I during the planning conversation. This was not fake or ‘produced’ in any way as it was something that I had genuinely felt in the moment. However, it was such a small thing to note that not mentioning it would’ve honestly sufficed, but because I’m a Bravo-holic, I brought it up. Because I know what makes good TV. Thank you Tamra Judge.

3. My story in wrestling is a lot more interesting than I originally thought, and is one that needs to be told
I feel like everyone can relate to this. Because I am living my own life in real time and experience everything I experience, none of it seems overly fascinating or interesting to me since it’s all real to me. But talking to the crew about everything in my life, personally and professionally in wrestling, and them being so fascinated with the everyday workings of my life, actually made me realise that my story is interesting. Not only that, but verbally coming to the realisation with the crew that I’ve knocked down a lot of doors for future queer folk in Aus wrestling, helped me realise that my story is a story that needs to be told. Because who doesn’t like a real story of someone who has to fight through discrimination, invisible walls, and moving through spaces with an extra weight on their shoulders, and creating a legacy for others to catapult off, because in reality that’s what I’m doing, and it’s incredibly humbling to realise.

I know that I take a lot of time to look within myself and self reflect, again some might say that I do that too much, but making these realisations about myself during or after the filming of the documentary have helped me to understand myself more and acknowledge that my journey in Australian professional wrestling is full of unchartered waters and untrodden path that will helpfully make it easier for future wrestlers of all the tribes that I proudly represent – Pacific Islanders, LGBTQIA+, women.

While the Mardi Gras Film Festival – and its on demand service – has ended, Heel Turn might be popping up in new online places, so keep your eyes and ears out because this short film will make you laugh, make you reflect, and might even make you cry. If I dare say so myself.

And you might even learn a new thing or two about me after watching it.

– by The Black Widow