Tag Archives: health

To All the FPs I’ve Loved Before

Posted in Lifestyle by

I’m coming for your gig Lara Jean.

To understand what an FP (“favourite person) is, you need to understand what BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is.

Image taken from VeryWellMind

BPD is described as a mental disorder characterised by unstable moods, behaviour and relationships, and those that suffer from this experience troubles regulating their emotions. Taking this into an account, someone diagnosed with BPD can have an FP, which is a colloquial term used and not at all a medical definition. For someone with BPD, a FP becomes the most important person in their life, whether they’re conscious of it or not. Most likely they will make this big attachment to this individual without consciously realising it. This can be in the form of a romantic partner, friend, teacher, parent, celebrity, or anyone else in their life. Because of their severe abandonment issues, the person with BPD will do anything to make sure their FP doesn’t abandon them, no matter how erratic or nonsensical the action may be.

I was officially diagnosed with BPD in 2018, although upon some self-reflection realised I was showing symptoms of this personality disorder in ages as early as eight-years-old. During this self-reflection, it had come to my attention that I had FPs nearly my entire life, and that realisation helped me understand that during those years when I thought something was wrong with me for having these strong attachments to certain people, it wasn’t weird; there was a reason to it.

The main thing one would notice about my relationships with my FPs is that it is either all sunshine and rainbows, or it is the absolute pits. There is no in between. This is called “splitting”, where the person with BPD sees the world in black and white and there is definitely no room for shades of grey. If my relationship with my FP was great, then my whole world was great and they could absolutely do no wrong; if it was facing turmoil, then they were the absolute worst person in the entire universe and everything else in my life sucked because of this one person. I could never see them as a good person  with flaws that wasn’t perfect. They were either perfect, or the worst.

Over the years, I’ve had numerous FPs, ranging from some close friends, cousins, and even a celebrity or two. And as I got older and my range of emotions widened, the elevator relationship I had with my FP got even crazier. No longer would I cry in silence if I felt my FB getting away from me; now, I’d lash out at them, say every horrible and nasty thing my mind could think of, and I’d push them away to test them to see if they would leave.

I would be crying over the loss of my FP as if someone close to me died, because in my warped BPD mind, that’s what it felt like; my relationship with this person died, so in essence, they had died to me. And then one day, as they say that time heals all wounds, it wouldn’t be so hard, and that FP would become a former FP and I would’ve moved on as if nothing happened.

As of writing, I have a couple of former FPs still in my life as friends, and those once strong and intense feelings no longer cloud over our friendship to the point where we can actually have a healthy relationship. That would make up about 10% of all the FPs I’ve had, however, as a strong majority of my former FPs found the relationship to be too much of a struggle and left. While I have “moved on” from these FPs, when I think about the times that we did have together in the height of our relationship, it makes me sad that my uncontrollable behaviour drove them away.

So, with the inspiration of Lara Jean Covey, here I go writing five short letters to some of the FPs I’ve loved before.

Dear R
I still cry out for you because you are the one whose damage to my heart is the most fresh. Possibly of all of my former FPs, you are the one that I miss the most. Our stable and friendly relationship had become an unhealthy FP elevator so quickly that I didn’t even realise what it was until it was too late. You deserved better, my boy. I was good to you, but I could’ve been great to you. I loved that you allowed me to be mostly vulnerable with you, and you were the best listener you could be. I’m aware that I used to touch you a lot, whether that was a hug, placing my hand on your shoulder, or weaving my arm through yours, and I think that is because subconsciously my mind thought that if I could physically feel you, then there was no way you would be abandoning me. And you allowed it because I think deep down you knew that I was scared to lose you. I’m sorry I made you feel anxious in my presence because you didn’t know which Nikki you were going to get, because lord knows you saw Angel Nikki turn into Devil Nikki in mere seconds too many times. I’m sorry I put you through the torment I did when you were dealing with other things. You deserve the best. I miss you every day.

Dear E
Of all of my former FPs, you dealt with the most, and I commend you for having such strength during such a tense time for you. In such a small amount of time, you had gone from apparent stranger, to the most important person in my life, and at first you handled our relationship well as most people do. We got along well and our relationship was flourishing. But by the time I had realised you had become my FP, again, it was too late. The small promises you made to our friendship probably without realising, I held onto like gospel, and when you were unable to fulfill these promises, I lashed out. Through this, you were by my side as much as you possibly could, from anxiety attacks, to a suicide attempt, you were there for me. Until you couldn’t be. The rage you faced didn’t fit the crime, and I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I fondly think of the times we shared together, and I hope you are having an amazing life.

Dear B
You are probably my most upsetting heartbreak of my former FPs. You had gone from acquaintance, to friend, to one of my closest friends, and our relationship when it was at its best is something I deeply cherish even to this day. Because I had no understanding of the disorder that has plagued my entire life, I was led to believe my strong feelings towards you were romantic, and when I confessed that part of my soul to you, you accepted it. You had every right to leave me, ignore me, and cut me off, but you did the respectful thing and accepted it because that’s the kind of stand up guy you are. Now that I understand that you were an FP, it helps me realise why I had so many erratic outbursts. You put up with them and dealt with them as the kind and patient man that you are, until one day you couldn’t. One day you had decided enough was enough, and you left. I don’t blame you because those vicious words I had thrown at you haunt me every day. Under every single insult and vile word I had said to you, was a broken shell of myself that was crying for help, and as much as you wanted to help that version of me, you couldn’t break the wall, so you gave up. I’m sorry B. I miss you.

Dear N
You were another FP that I was led to believe I had romantic feelings for, when really the strong attachment I had to you was due to my BP and fear of abandonment. I remember the day you had jumped onto the FP elevator; everything in our relationship was perfect until that moment. You couldn’t make it to an event we had planned to go to together, and while you had simply apologised, all I heard was “I’m leaving you”, and so I acted out. This triggered a horrible chain of events that included too many angry outbursts or silent treatments for me to count. I remember once you had said that anytime I had that feeling of abandonment, you promised you’d remind me that you were never going to leave me. Promises never work for me, because one day you did leave me. To this day, I still think about fixing the destruction I had caused, but maybe your life is better off without me.

Dear L
Through our own shared heartbreaks, we had gone from friends to each other’s lifesavers in mere seconds, and to someone with BPD, that leads into dangerous territory. I loved every second I had spent talking to you, texting you, or even just tagging you in stupid memes. But of course, the ugly dragon reared its head and some point, and no matter how hard you tried to fight off this dragon, it became too much for you. Once again, I was too overwhelming for you, and regardless of what you said at the end of this relationship, all I heard was goodbye. You were led to believe it was your fault that our friendship blew up, but it wasn’t, and I’m sorry you felt that way.

I guess the point I want to get across to all of my former FPs, not just the ones mentioned above, is that I’m sorry. While a big cause of my irrational anger and erratic blow ups is because of this disorder which can be crippling at times, I still take full accountability for my actions, and I truly wish that all of the FPs that I’ve loved before are having the most beautiful life possible.

And to anyone out there who may be reading this who may think that this could possibly be you, or if you have any inkling that something might be “off” with you, I encourage you to reach out and seek professional help. I always say that I wish I had my diagnosis earlier, because it would’ve help to put everything into perspective, and my journey to healing could’ve started way before it actually did. And just remember that your diagnosis is not all of you; it’s a part of you. You are super. You have a special power that you can harness, and maybe one day that side of you will become a part of you that you truly love and cherish. I’m still learning to harness my superpower, but I know that underneath all of the ups and downs of being on an FP elevator, I am a great son, brother and uncle, and a loyal friend to those whom I love.

If you would like more information on BPD, please feel free to visit any of the following links:
BPD Australia
Helping Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder

– by The Black Widow

The Lazy-asses guide to losing weight: the workout edition

Posted in Body, Health & Fitness by

Not to be confused with the lazy-asses guide to losing weight: the food edition, which will be posted at a later date.

Hi, I’m the Black Widow, and in the past three months, I have lost ten kilos. To some, that may be a walk in the park, but for me, that’s a whopping change. For my entire life, I have relied heavily on my metabolism to cut down my body weight and remain the trim little spitfire that I am, but it eventually caught up on me and I packed on a few extra kilos that weren’t necessarily wanted. Finally, after snatching a good deal with Anytime Fitness, I decided to shed that extra weight and return to my most fitting form.

I know some of you have read weight loss stories and thought “But these people have all the motivation and discipline in the world to achieve their goals, and I don’t. How will this work for me?” The solution is simple: me. I can honestly tell you that when it comes to physical exercise, I am one of the laziest mofos in the world. Usually, when someone starts going to the gym and they get into a regular pattern, they love going to the gym and can’t get enough of it. For me, after three months of regularly attending the gym, I still dread going to that metal clanging-and-banging hellhole.

Those are interesting coloured paperweights...

Those are interesting coloured paperweights…

To help others get fit and get into the shape they desire, I have compiled a list of steps that I personally took to help me achieve my weight loss:

Step one: Set a goal
I know it’s cliché to say this but a goal is needed if you’re even thinking of getting into shape. I set a goal as soon as I decided to go to the gym and it’s definitely helped me. When I am struggling to breathe as I run for my dear life on the treadmill, or my arms are about to snap off when I’m lifting weights, I think of my ultimate goal and picture it in my head… and it allows me to keep going. For at least another like two minutes or so.

Step two: Stay disciplined
After a few days of hitting the gym, you’ll feel really pumped and think “Yeah! This is for me!” but then you’ll gradually stop going until you realise you’re donating money to the gym. Don’t fall into this trap. If, for some reason, you feel yourself thinking “Hey, I don’t need to go tonight” or “I can do without the gym just this one week”, discipline yourself . You won’t achieve that goal if you skip a day or two. You’ll go back to the way you were if you miss an entire week. For me, if I keep this thought in mind, I will always go back to the gym: “If I miss the gym tonight, I won’t get to walk around the beach without a shirt on because people will think a whale has washed ashore and throw water on me.”

Step three: Stick to a schedule
In a similar light to setting a goal, planning a weekly schedule will keep you going. If you go to the gym with no real set plan in mind, you’ll just aimlessly wander around, pretending to use cardio machines and looking at your dumpy ass in the mirror and then go home. What did you achieve? Nothing. However, if you know that Monday is leg day and Wednesday is abs day, then you’ll know what to do, how long to do it and what’s up next. For me, I plan to go to the gym at least five times a week with three of those days being dedicated to specific parts of my body. If I miss a day, you can bet your sweet ass I’ll catch up with it next week.

Step four: Believe you can do it… the results will show
I had a really good week at the gym in mid-December. I had been hitting the gym really hard and felt great about myself. I stepped onto the scale and… still the same. Honestly, it shattered me a bit and I thought “I’ve been killing myself for so long and nothing is showing!” Like all good things in life, however, it’ll come to the patient ones who wait. Don’t let a bunch of numbers and results slow your efforts down. Stick to your plan and I can guarantee you the results will show themselves eventually. It also helps if a friend of yours stops and says “Hey, you’ve lost weight!” because then you’ll know that something is changing, and it’ll motivate you to keep going.

Now I’m sure there are plenty of other things you could do to maximise your efforts at the gym, but these four fundamental steps will prove vital in your journey to your ultimate weight loss destination. If a naturally lazy writer like me can get off my laptop and go to the gym (begrudgingly, of course), then I’m sure you can as well.

Of course, the other (bigger) half of weight loss is eating properly. Stay tuned as I tell you what I did to my diet which led to my weight loss.

– by The Black Widow

The Lone Vegetarian

Posted in Body, Food & Nutrition by

The sky was an eery shade of red and the vermillion hues in the grass matched it perfectly. The sounds of cattle crying out sounded throughout the field. A baby piglet stared up at me with its lifeless eyes, its mouth slightly ajar. Blood was pouring out of its neck profusely.

#datvegetarianlyf

#datvegetarianlyf

This was the nightmare I had as a teenager that made me want to become a vegetarian for the right reasons. I had tried it once before, with the goal of losing weight by taking meat out of my diet, but it didn’t work out. Now, I can happily say that I’ve stuck with my vegetarianism for the past six years because of that conscious decision I made.

As a Pacific Islander – who are infamous meat eaters in their own right – living life as a vegetarian in a family full of carnivores is definitely as difficult as it sounds. With my busy schedule of combining college, work and my outside hobbies, I barely get enough time to cook a decent meal for myself. When I get home and there’s a chicken dish sitting on the kitchen counter, it’s either my job to a) Pick around the deceased animal and eat or b) Think of something quick and easy to make. On my most busy days, a pot of boiling water and a bag of pasta becomes my best friend.

Nine times out of ten, I have to cook for myself on my days off. Dinner will usually consist of meat which means I’ll have to cook my own vegetarian option. If my family is feeling sorry for me, they’ll either make the main dish vegetarian acceptable or take out a bit for me before they add the meat. When I go to extended family events or social gatherings, the meat-eater in my relatives and friends are very apparent and my options are very limited. I am usually only left with a bit of salad and baked potatoes on my plate.

Dining out as a vegetarian has become a lot easier than it was when I first started: I am aware of my options and know which restaurants cater to the eating-conscious. There are a few restaurants that have little to no vegetarian options so I’m left with ordering an egg and mayo sandwich and a glass of water.

I’ve learned most of the dishes in my arsenal from my mother. When there’s meat involved, I easily just substitute it with tofu and my own version of the meal is created! One of my go-to dishes is called a “Hawaiian Haystack” which was passed down from my mum: it’s basically a dish where you have rice and stack honey mustard tofu on top of that, and you continue to stack various ingredients on top of that, including cheese, dry noodles and pineapple. Seriously. Try it. Honey mustard tofu is to die for.

Life as a vegetarian in a family full of meat eaters is challenging,  but it’s not impossible. Nothing is impossible for me. Insert arrogant hairflip here.

– by The Black Widow