Spoiler alert: this is not a Real Housewives post.
If you are a frequent reader of Widow’s Lure, then you know that I am unapologetic about two things: one, I looooove me some Real Housewives and I don’t care if it appears to be my one personality trait, and two, I’m living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and do my best to bring awareness to an illness that usually goes under the radar.
As these two different worlds are such a big part of my life, it should come to no surprise that they were going to collide at some point. Allow me to explain how (and why!)
One of the biggest symptoms of BPD is having rapid, uncontrollable mood swings. In a normal day, I can go from content, to happy and sweet, to bitter and angry, to sad and insecure in the space of two minutes. I can get triggered by the smallest things, actions or words, and my mood can change at the drop of a hat. 
A big personal victory for me is recognising that I suffer from these mood swings; recognising this has actually helped me in controlling the mood swings to the best of my ability, and reining it in when necessary so I don’t explode and damage those around me.
In an effort to recognise when I go into a certain mood, I’ve nicknamed these ‘personalities’, and would you believe it — I named them after some Real Housewives!
Allow me to introduce you to the women that live rent-free in my head, and give you a brief description of each of these personalities:
Erika (after Erika Jayne from RHOBH)
Key traits: sad and insecure
Formerly known as Mrs. Girardi (but since she’s divorced, I had to update the name accordingly), Erika is probably my strongest mood. Erika thinks everyone is out to get her, and those closest to her have ulterior motives when pursuing a friendship or relationship with her. Erika believes that her favourite person is constantly trying to leave her, and grieves the possibility of losing them even though they’ve expressed no desire to leave her.
Porsha (after Porsha Williams from RHOA)
Key traits: angry and rageful
Porsha will get hood with you at a second’s notice and she doesn’t care how “ghetto” or “ratchet” she appears. Armed with hoop earrings that will fly off if you test her, Porsha uncontrollably lashes out at you if she feels you’re abandoning her and will absolutely verbally annihilate you if she feels threatened. As you can tell, Porsha is definitely the most dangerous of my personalities, and the one that most requires a cage.
Monique (after Monique Samuels from RHOP)
Key traits: jealous and spiteful
Monique essentially serves as the bridge between Erika and Porsha. Erika will feel sad and insecure, and without any action, it will turn into jealousy. Enter Monique. She is territorial and believes what’s hers is rightfully hers. If you spend time with her favourite person, then you best watch out because Monique’s irrational jealousy can quickly turn into Porsha’s rage.
Stephanie (after Stephanie Hollman from RHOD)
Key traits: compassionate and sweet
On the other end of the spectrum to Porsha is Stephanie. Stephanie speaks with her own soft, slightly higher-pitched voice, and is very kind and caring to those that she loves. Not afraid of comforting a friend or hugging them, Stephanie is the calm voice of reason that will support her friends and family at the drop of a hat.
Camille (after Camille Grammar from RHOBH)
Key traits: sexy and confident
Camille is drop dead gorgeous and she knows it. While Stephanie will accept a compliment with a pure sincerity, Camille will acknowledge it as fact and even question why you decided to bring it up in the first place. Camille walks with a strut, flaunt her best assets any chance she gets, and will use her alluring charm to get what she wants when she wants.
Teresa (after Teresa Giudice from RHONJ)
Key traits: deluded and dry
Teresa almost lives in a fantasy world where what she believes in is the law, and she doesn’t understand when others try to bring her down to reality. As a defence mechanism for when those question the state she lives in, she speaks fluent sarcasm when really she is defending the hurt she’s feeling. Teresa longs to be acknowledged, and only in her fantasy world is where she can get the attention she craves.
Naming these personalities of mine has helped me move in the right direction of regulating my moods to the best of my physical ability.
When I have that feeling of going from Stephanie to Porsha and I can recognise it, acknowledging that is the first step towards regulating my moods and emotions to have healthy conversations as opposed to Porsha literally dragging someone. When I know that Erika has taken over, I can recognise that this feeling of insecurity and inadequacy will past.
This is not to say that all of these personalities are either good or bad. If I’m out with friends and one of them is aggressively being hit on, it’ll be Porsha that jumps in and defends them; Monique’s jealousy is really a sign that Monique has a pure, sincere love for that person.
As for which personality is writing this blog article… it’s probably Camille.
If you would like more information on BPD, please feel free to visit any of the following links:
BPD Australia
Helping Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
– by The Black Widow
Tag Archives: mental health
Dating, With an FP
Having BPD + a platonic FP = a non-existent dating life.
Navigating love can be challenging as it is, but trying to have a healthy dating life when you have a personality disorder like BPD can make it even harder.
As a quick refresher, an FP (or favourite person) to someone who has BPD is the most important person of their life, whether they’re conscious of this or not. Their whole mood revolves around this person, so if they’re on good terms with the FP, then it’s all happy days; if things aren’t great between the borderline and the FP, then the whole world is against them and everything sucks. (You can read more about my personal experiences with FPs at this link here.)
FPs can be in the form of a romantic partner, but if you’re like me, your FP manifests in platonic friends, family members, or even celebrities. This is where the main issue that I personally face arises when it comes to dating.
Love sucks. Adding an FP makes it suck even more. (CREDIT: eltpics’s Flickr photostream)
To set the scene, for example, let’s say I’m dating someone named Oliver. We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months and everything there is going great. However, my FP is my friend named Bruno. While there is no sexual or romantic attraction to Bruno, he has become my entire life and my happiness solely depends on Bruno, and I constantly want to be around Bruno – even moreso than Oliver.
And thus there lies the problem. Even though I’m dating Oliver and there is a genuine romantic interest in Oliver, in my head, Oliver doesn’t even compare to Bruno.
To be completely transparent, I am 29-years-old and still don’t know how to completely navigate life and relationships as someone with BPD, and I definitely am not an expert on navigating love and dating with a platonic FP. Currently speaking, I have a platonic FP and because my focus is so centered on him, I find it very difficult to even attempt a dating life.
From the outside looking in, it is very easy to assume that I have romantic feelings for my FP because my mind essentially becomes obsessed with them. I get it. I truly get it. In fact, growing up without the diagnosis, I had always assumed my strong feelings for my FP were romantic when that isn’t necessarily the case. I’m constantly seeking his approval and validation, my senses are almost heightened whenever he’s around, and I’m acutely aware of every small thing that is happening when he’s near. On the flipside, when he does the tiniest thing that could lead my borderline mind to think he’s abandoning me, all of a sudden he’s the worst person and I’m thrown into a bout of depression just because of this one man.
Taking all of this into consideration, the normal person with little to no understanding of BPD could hypothesise that I in fact am harbouring romantic feelings for my FP. And while it’s true that I crave their attention and would be happy (or irrationally angry) by having them constantly around me, that’s where it ends for me. I can’t picture myself in a relationship with my FP, or getting intimate with them, or even building a life with them that wasn’t strictly as friends.
Passing it back to my love life, it’s essentially non-existent. I’m not seeing anyone, talking to anyone, or engaging in conversation with the attempt to bonk with anyone. It’s completely dead, and I’m not sad or miserable about it at all. I have Tinder downloaded on my phone, and every now and then I’ll swipe through profiles for about 10 seconds, and then close the app. During this rinse-repeat cycle that I’ve established, I’ll get matches, but I won’t do anything about it because my heart’s not in it. It’s as if I’m going through the motion because it’s expected of me as a young, attractive 20-something-old to want to date and find that special someone. But the truth is I don’t really want to, because I make myself happy, and if I don’t, then my FP will.
If I’m invited to an event where I get a plus one, I immediately think of bringing my FP as my date. If someone were to ask me to think of someone special in my life that I want to give a gift to, you guessed it, my FP shoots to my mind.
It’s almost self sabotage, really. I’m blocking myself from potentially finding happiness with Oliver, because my mind is too fixated with Bruno. It’s like paying attention to one plant too much that you neglect the second plant that is withering and dying.
I’m working hard to try and set boundaries with my FP so I’m not as reliant or co-dependent on them to find happiness. I know I can find happiness in myself and with other friends and family, but sometimes I feel like that can be dramatically shifted because of a tiny incident with my FP. Establishing these boundaries with my FP, and hopefully in turn they establish boundaries with me, opens up the possibilities for me to seek independence from them and pursue potential relationships with others.
Boundaries that I am endeavouring to set for myself, which you could also use if you feel like you’re in a similar boat as me, include:
– Creating distance, both physically and emotionally, between us if I think my feelings and emotions are becoming heightened;
– Relying on others for emotional support that I’d usually expect from my FP, sometimes unfairly;
– Practicing mindfulness when I start to feel like my FP is my entire life and I can’t function without him;
– Willfully acknowledging that my FP is a friend and nothing more than that, so I am able to pursue a romantic relationship without feeling guilty;
– Most importantly, acknowledging and validating my own feelings.
I am aware that my FP isn’t my entire life, and before we met, I was existing perfectly fine. Just like a romantic partner should, an FP is meant to enhance my life, not hinder it (even with BPD). Keeping this in mind will only assist me in searching for a life outside of them.
– by The Black Widow
To All the FPs I’ve Loved Before
I’m coming for your gig Lara Jean.
To understand what an FP (“favourite person) is, you need to understand what BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is.
Image taken from VeryWellMind
BPD is described as a mental disorder characterised by unstable moods, behaviour and relationships, and those that suffer from this experience troubles regulating their emotions. Taking this into an account, someone diagnosed with BPD can have an FP, which is a colloquial term used and not at all a medical definition. For someone with BPD, a FP becomes the most important person in their life, whether they’re conscious of it or not. Most likely they will make this big attachment to this individual without consciously realising it. This can be in the form of a romantic partner, friend, teacher, parent, celebrity, or anyone else in their life. Because of their severe abandonment issues, the person with BPD will do anything to make sure their FP doesn’t abandon them, no matter how erratic or nonsensical the action may be.
I was officially diagnosed with BPD in 2018, although upon some self-reflection realised I was showing symptoms of this personality disorder in ages as early as eight-years-old. During this self-reflection, it had come to my attention that I had FPs nearly my entire life, and that realisation helped me understand that during those years when I thought something was wrong with me for having these strong attachments to certain people, it wasn’t weird; there was a reason to it.
The main thing one would notice about my relationships with my FPs is that it is either all sunshine and rainbows, or it is the absolute pits. There is no in between. This is called “splitting”, where the person with BPD sees the world in black and white and there is definitely no room for shades of grey. If my relationship with my FP was great, then my whole world was great and they could absolutely do no wrong; if it was facing turmoil, then they were the absolute worst person in the entire universe and everything else in my life sucked because of this one person. I could never see them as a good person with flaws that wasn’t perfect. They were either perfect, or the worst.
Over the years, I’ve had numerous FPs, ranging from some close friends, cousins, and even a celebrity or two. And as I got older and my range of emotions widened, the elevator relationship I had with my FP got even crazier. No longer would I cry in silence if I felt my FB getting away from me; now, I’d lash out at them, say every horrible and nasty thing my mind could think of, and I’d push them away to test them to see if they would leave.
I would be crying over the loss of my FP as if someone close to me died, because in my warped BPD mind, that’s what it felt like; my relationship with this person died, so in essence, they had died to me. And then one day, as they say that time heals all wounds, it wouldn’t be so hard, and that FP would become a former FP and I would’ve moved on as if nothing happened.
As of writing, I have a couple of former FPs still in my life as friends, and those once strong and intense feelings no longer cloud over our friendship to the point where we can actually have a healthy relationship. That would make up about 10% of all the FPs I’ve had, however, as a strong majority of my former FPs found the relationship to be too much of a struggle and left. While I have “moved on” from these FPs, when I think about the times that we did have together in the height of our relationship, it makes me sad that my uncontrollable behaviour drove them away.
So, with the inspiration of Lara Jean Covey, here I go writing five short letters to some of the FPs I’ve loved before.
Dear R
I still cry out for you because you are the one whose damage to my heart is the most fresh. Possibly of all of my former FPs, you are the one that I miss the most. Our stable and friendly relationship had become an unhealthy FP elevator so quickly that I didn’t even realise what it was until it was too late. You deserved better, my boy. I was good to you, but I could’ve been great to you. I loved that you allowed me to be mostly vulnerable with you, and you were the best listener you could be. I’m aware that I used to touch you a lot, whether that was a hug, placing my hand on your shoulder, or weaving my arm through yours, and I think that is because subconsciously my mind thought that if I could physically feel you, then there was no way you would be abandoning me. And you allowed it because I think deep down you knew that I was scared to lose you. I’m sorry I made you feel anxious in my presence because you didn’t know which Nikki you were going to get, because lord knows you saw Angel Nikki turn into Devil Nikki in mere seconds too many times. I’m sorry I put you through the torment I did when you were dealing with other things. You deserve the best. I miss you every day.
Dear E
Of all of my former FPs, you dealt with the most, and I commend you for having such strength during such a tense time for you. In such a small amount of time, you had gone from apparent stranger, to the most important person in my life, and at first you handled our relationship well as most people do. We got along well and our relationship was flourishing. But by the time I had realised you had become my FP, again, it was too late. The small promises you made to our friendship probably without realising, I held onto like gospel, and when you were unable to fulfill these promises, I lashed out. Through this, you were by my side as much as you possibly could, from anxiety attacks, to a suicide attempt, you were there for me. Until you couldn’t be. The rage you faced didn’t fit the crime, and I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I fondly think of the times we shared together, and I hope you are having an amazing life.
Dear B
You are probably my most upsetting heartbreak of my former FPs. You had gone from acquaintance, to friend, to one of my closest friends, and our relationship when it was at its best is something I deeply cherish even to this day. Because I had no understanding of the disorder that has plagued my entire life, I was led to believe my strong feelings towards you were romantic, and when I confessed that part of my soul to you, you accepted it. You had every right to leave me, ignore me, and cut me off, but you did the respectful thing and accepted it because that’s the kind of stand up guy you are. Now that I understand that you were an FP, it helps me realise why I had so many erratic outbursts. You put up with them and dealt with them as the kind and patient man that you are, until one day you couldn’t. One day you had decided enough was enough, and you left. I don’t blame you because those vicious words I had thrown at you haunt me every day. Under every single insult and vile word I had said to you, was a broken shell of myself that was crying for help, and as much as you wanted to help that version of me, you couldn’t break the wall, so you gave up. I’m sorry B. I miss you.
Dear N
You were another FP that I was led to believe I had romantic feelings for, when really the strong attachment I had to you was due to my BP and fear of abandonment. I remember the day you had jumped onto the FP elevator; everything in our relationship was perfect until that moment. You couldn’t make it to an event we had planned to go to together, and while you had simply apologised, all I heard was “I’m leaving you”, and so I acted out. This triggered a horrible chain of events that included too many angry outbursts or silent treatments for me to count. I remember once you had said that anytime I had that feeling of abandonment, you promised you’d remind me that you were never going to leave me. Promises never work for me, because one day you did leave me. To this day, I still think about fixing the destruction I had caused, but maybe your life is better off without me.
Dear L
Through our own shared heartbreaks, we had gone from friends to each other’s lifesavers in mere seconds, and to someone with BPD, that leads into dangerous territory. I loved every second I had spent talking to you, texting you, or even just tagging you in stupid memes. But of course, the ugly dragon reared its head and some point, and no matter how hard you tried to fight off this dragon, it became too much for you. Once again, I was too overwhelming for you, and regardless of what you said at the end of this relationship, all I heard was goodbye. You were led to believe it was your fault that our friendship blew up, but it wasn’t, and I’m sorry you felt that way.
I guess the point I want to get across to all of my former FPs, not just the ones mentioned above, is that I’m sorry. While a big cause of my irrational anger and erratic blow ups is because of this disorder which can be crippling at times, I still take full accountability for my actions, and I truly wish that all of the FPs that I’ve loved before are having the most beautiful life possible.
And to anyone out there who may be reading this who may think that this could possibly be you, or if you have any inkling that something might be “off” with you, I encourage you to reach out and seek professional help. I always say that I wish I had my diagnosis earlier, because it would’ve help to put everything into perspective, and my journey to healing could’ve started way before it actually did. And just remember that your diagnosis is not all of you; it’s a part of you. You are super. You have a special power that you can harness, and maybe one day that side of you will become a part of you that you truly love and cherish. I’m still learning to harness my superpower, but I know that underneath all of the ups and downs of being on an FP elevator, I am a great son, brother and uncle, and a loyal friend to those whom I love.
If you would like more information on BPD, please feel free to visit any of the following links:
BPD Australia
Helping Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
– by The Black Widow
Life with Vertigo, Anxiety and an irrational fear of Odd Numbers
Being normal is so overrated anyway, right?
Among other things, I have several “problems” that contribute to my “intricate personality”, some of which include:
vertigo; noun; a sensation of whirling and loss of balance, associated particularly with looking down from a great height, or caused by disease affecting the inner ear or the vestibular nerve; giddiness.
anxiety; noun; a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.
disparnumerophobia; noun; the fear of odd numbers.
Vertigo, probably made most famous by the Alfred Hitchcock film Vertigo, is more common than one would think; however, with people like me, it happens a whole lot easier than to someone who will only experience the feeling of vertigo when looking down from a great height. That one strong feeling of dizziness and nausea someone may experience when sitting in a ferris wheel is exactly how I feel when looking down a set of steps or when sitting on a children’s rollercoaster.
Anxiety is also more common than one would imagine. My anxiety stems from a lack of control which has thus made me become a major control freak. If I can’t predict the outcome of a situation or I don’t know what’s going to happen, I’m set off. I was even reduced to a panic attack watching game two of State of Origin this year because I was unsure of the outcome. If I once had control over a situation and had that control taken away from me, you can bet your bottom dollar I will be reduced to a panic attack.
Finally, disparnumerophobia, or the fear of odd numbers, is also more common. It’s become a “thing” on Facebook to not have TV volumes on odd numbers, but my fear stretches even further than that; if I press the button at the lights, I’ll have to press it an even amount of times otherwise I fear lightning will strike me. Even when I’m eating, I count how many times I chew and how many times I swallow in case of the odd-numbered-lightning strike. Someone who doesn’t have disparnumerophobia may think it is a funny concept, but it actually takes control of my life more than you’d think.
Singularly, having each of these is a slight problem, but put them all together and you’ve got yourself a very different life.
So… high… but I want to pay attention!
Let me paint a picture for you. I was lucky enough to receive tickets to attend the Super Rugby grand final this year at ANZ Stadium. Waratahs v Crusaders, the latter of which being my second team in Super Rugby. Plus, these tickets were free. Sounds like fun, right? Well, little did I know that these tickets were very, very, very high up. I didn’t have a problem with the seats being far back, it was just the height that got to me.
Walking up the stairs to get to the seats was probably the most harrowing experience I’ve had in recent years. I struggled to do a simple exercise like walking up stairs. I had to grip onto the rail for dear life and take the steps one at a time for fear that I might tumble down the stairs and roll off into a pit of death, and screaming Waratahs fans.
I look down at my ticket… it’s an odd numbered seat. Suddenly, my anxiety kicks in and I’m thinking about all the bad things that’ll happen in the world because I have to sit on an odd numbered seat.
I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I literally can’t do this.
Luckily, there was pretty much no one at the back and I got to sit wherever, which included sitting down on an even numbered seat. Life was all good.
Until I looked down at the field and my vertigo returned after a short break. I begun to think about all the ways I could tumble down the rows in front of me and eventually roll onto the field in a bloody heap. So much so that I could barely pay attention to the Super Rugby final being played in front of me.
Having these “problems” for lack of a better word have made my life a bit less cruisey than a life without them, but I think they make me what I am. I am a strong-willed spitfire pot of sass because I’ve had to deal with my crippling fear of heights and odd numbers and the fact that I overthink everything.
In a sense, I don’t regret having these minor issues or resent having them. In fact, I think I’m embracing them and am learning to deal with it better than most. Because I’m a strong independent men who only needs chocolate in the world.
– by The Black Widow
(If you or someone you know is dealing with anxiety and it is becoming uncontrollable, please seek support immediately. Check Beyond Blue for addition details)
Widow's Lure 