Category Archives: Body

Body Dysmorphia as a Polynesian Pro-Wrestler

Posted in Body, Health & Fitness by

Deep breath. Here we go.

I’m a very confident person, and an outsider looking at me would think that I am totally confident and perhaps a little too confident? Either way, strangers, family and friends alike all have this perception of me that I love the way I am and the way I look. And it’s true, for the most part at least.

I have never had the healthiest relationship with my body, my weight, and the way I look in the mirror, and a portion of that was because of simple genetics. For those just tuning into Widow’s Lure, I’m biracial but predominantly Pacific Islander; I don’t have the exact ratios for you, but ethnicity-wise, I’m Māori, Samoan and Irish. And if you have never met a Polynesian person in your life, let me tell you from personal experience that because of how our genetics work, we are generally speaking a lot larger than other races, and we typically have the ability to grow muscle, put on weight and get bigger a lot easier than others.

Growing up in Australia and being exposed to western culture where all the advertisements showed conventionally attractive white folk who were either thin or ripped, at any stage of my life, I knew that my body did not look like that; dare I say I never had “the look”. I was always on the bigger side in both primary and high school, and even past my teenage years as I entered the workforce and studied at uni, I was still on the bigger side.

Learning to love the way my body looks has been a journey.

In 2017, when I first started wrestling training, I was still on the bigger side with not that much muscle mass. But then as I progressed with my training, I remember locking tf in and I ended up dropping over 15kgs, slimming and toning down, and being in really good shape. But because I was sitting at 90kgs, which is still considered quite heavy compared to other wrestlers in Australia, I still wasn’t happy with how I looked solely because of the number on the scales. Even though the mirror showed me a physically fit human and I could see the progress I was making through the gym and nutrition, I was still not happy with how I looked.

So I decided to bulk up and see if that would change how I looked at myself in the mirror. And because of bad habits, poor nutrition, and a general slothfulness, the bulk went the wrong way and I essentially put all the weight I had lost back on, and not in a good muscular way either. So I became even unhappier with the way I looked, especially considering the skimpy outfits I wore as Nikki Van Blair.

No matter how much I worked out and tried to eat better, my body still looked too big and not the right shape. But at the same time, I still had to convey the sexy, sassy and confident Nikki Van Blair that everyone had become accustomed to, so the skimpy outfits stayed but my perception of my body worsened. I point blank refused to weigh myself and steered away from scales, and was very selective of what kind of content I’d post on social media; content that suited the Nikki Van Blair brand but also hid parts of my body I was ashamed of through angles, clothing and poses.

At some point, I found myself annoyed at my genetics. I’d see wrestlers of other races either drop weight quickly or put on muscle quickly; even on top of that, just the wrestlers who were naturally smaller than me, I found myself envying them because why on earth could I not just effortlessly look like that.

Around 2022, I began to focus on what I was putting in my body and building muscle. I focused on my protein intake, followed a fairly solid gym workout routine and made sure I did some form of exercise (wrestling training included!) at least five days a week. I thought I was making solid progress because I could see my muscle development in the mirror… and then I weighed myself. I was officially the heaviest I’d ever been.

How on earth did I commit all this effort to bettering my health and my body and my scales are telling me that it was all in vain?

I know that muscle weighs more than fat – or to be more accurate, muscle is more dense than fat – and so a contributor to the numbers on the scales could be muscle gain, but to me, the numbers on the scale tell the full story. As a woman, especially a transwoman, being heavy is so humiliating and contributes to a dysphoria that didn’t need any further contribution to it. Like, how could a woman possibly weigh ___ kgs?

And as my fitness regime continued, and I followed a scheduled workout and included more daily steps and even reformer pilates into my routine, my weight would either stay stagnant or would go up even incrementally. I began enjoying for the most part of what I saw in the mirror, but the numbers on the scales destroyed my confidence.

And then I got a full body Evolt scan, and I finally had all of the numbers explained to me in a way that I understood. Turns out, I’m actually a lot healthier and fitter than I thought, and most importantly… my biological age is 27.

Understanding the actual science and numbers of my body helped my body dysmorphia a lot because now I recognise what’s happening inside my body and clock why the numbers are the way they are. Because of this, I have an appreciation for my Polynesian genetics and the relative ease I have to gain muscle. I might not be screaming my weight out loud because the numbers on the scale will always hold an unfortunate significance to me, but I am proud of the curvy muscular body I’ve worked hard to achieve. And now with the science behind me, I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. Now I just need to stay consistent and work hard to maintain this Jessica Rabbit figure of mine, especially since I’m 33-years-old.

Wait sorry. I’m 27.

– by The Black Widow

The Do’s and Don’t’s of Gym Etiquette

Posted in Body, Health & Fitness by

Insert Joey Swoll MYOB face here.

Judging by the fact that my last Health & Fitness post was posted nine years ago, one would assume that I don’t particularly like staying healthy and fit. One would be correct in this; however, that doesn’t mean that I don’t do it out of pure obligation (I am a wrestler Diva after all).

In short, I hate the gym, but I go anyway.

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Shameless gym selfie, with no one in the background because I’m considerate.

On a standard week for The Black Widow, I will go to wrestling training once or twice a week, and will go to the gym an additional three or four times a week on top of that. In my mind, doing some sort of physical activity at least five days a week will keep my body in decent shape, maintain the fitness I need for wrestling, while also giving my body enough time to rest and recover on my off days. And purely for context, I have maintained this workout schedule for around 8-10 years.

A friendly reminder: I hate the gym, but I go anyway.

Because of my hate-hate relationship with the gym, I have encountered many different people at different gym locations and have witnessed what I perceive to be good gym etiquette, and also bad gym etiquette.

Inspired by the insanely sweet Joey Swoll and his campaign to rid the world of bad gym etiquette, here are my do’s and don’t’s to guide you on your fitness journey.

Do’s
[x] Do clean up after yourself as you go. Even before the pandemic, I was always sure to wipe down the equipment I used because it’s the courteous and hygienic thing to do for the next person to use it. Your gym should be equipped with sanitary wipes, or spray bottles and paper towel, so be sure to use them. I personally clean my equipment before I use it and after I’m finished with it. If for whatever reason your gym has run out of cleaning products, or they just don’t stock these materials (RED FLAG), then use your towel; it’s better than nothing.
[x] Do ask if someone is using a piece of equipment before assuming it’s yours for the taking. If a person is hovering around a certain squat rack, there’s a chance they are using it or at least about to use it. Be polite and ask them if they’re using it just to mitigate any awkward conversations with your fellow gym goers that may follow.
[x] Do ask people in the background of your content videos if they’re okay being filmed. I know for me personally, I do not put effort into my presentation when I go to the gym, so I wouldn’t want to be featured in the background of someone’s content looking like a bush pig. Just a simple “Hey do you mind being in the background of my video?” will suffice. If they say no, just maneuver your camera around so they’re no longer in the background, or simply don’t record your workout. You don’t own the gym (unless it’s a personal gym and you do own it LOL) and you are not entitled to recording this content. Which leads me to the next point…
[x] Do follow the rules of your gym. If your gym doesn’t allow recording, then don’t record. But the one that grinds my gears are the men or enbys that walk around shirtless even though the gym has a rule against it. We get it; your torso looks great. Now put it back on and get back to your workout.
[x] Do unrack your weight machines or take back your equipment to where you found it once you’re done with it. This is a common courtesy that shouldn’t be said, but I see so many people just leave their stuff lying around or completely racked, and it makes you wonder the state of their homes.

Don’t
[x] Don’t be that person that shames others in your gym videos for clout or content. Really, just don’t shame others periodt. Have you not heard of Joey Swoll for crying out loud? Even worse are the people who do this intentionally for Joey Swoll’s attention, and then they use that overwhelmingly negative attention to try and boost their own social media presence or influence. Girl bye.
[x] Don’t annoy someone who clearly doesn’t want to be spoken to. I go to the gym to work out and go home. I am not there to socialise or make friendly conversation unless it’s “Are you using that?” I see other gym goers, especially women, innocently just trying to get their pump on with their hair up and headphones in, and then an asshat (typically male) will interrupt them to try and converse or flirt when they clearly don’t want to be interrupted. Read the room, guys.
[x] Don’t drop your weights. If you’re strong enough to pick them up in the first place, then you’re strong enough to place them down gently and carefully.
[x] Don’t hog equipment. I get the benefits of doing a superset, jumping between different sets of equipment, but remember you are not entitled to that piece of equipment in a public gym. If you see someone going to use something you’re not on but plan on using, you can either politely check with them if they’re okay to come back in five minutes, or you can just relinquish it to them because you don’t own it.
[x] Don’t be a dick. Simple, really. If you see someone using a piece of equipment incorrectly, or they have poor/incorrect form, don’t mock or ridicule them. Be polite and show them how they can better their technique. It’s not hard to be nice, folks.

There are probably way more do’s and don’t’s of gym etiquette that I haven’t included above, but they really have one major thing in common: be courteous and respectful of others, and don’t be a fuckwit.

If you struggle with this simple instruction, might I suggest you don’t fuck with my good sis and perhaps invest in a private gym so no one else has to deal with your social incompetence?

Thanks. Widow out!

– by The Black Widow

My Life with Eyelash Extensions

Posted in Beauty, Body by

Look who’s having a shot at beauty writing!

A few years ago, the most beautiful thing I had done was the occasional eyebrow waxing.

Now, potentially due to the large influence of my interest in the Real Housewives franchise, my beauty regime has become a bit more intense: I get my hair dyed once a month and cut once a fortnight, my nails done once a fortnight, my eyebrows waxed once every three weeks, and am known to wear the occasional slick of lip gloss every now and then. I also get two massages a month, but that’s a different story.

My most recent foray into the world of beauty enhancement came in the form of eyelash extensions. I’ve always admired thick hoe lashes, but the one time I’ve put on false eyelashes, I felt like they were weighing my eyelids down and I hated every second of it. But with the more ‘permanent’ feel of eyelash extensions, I was keen to give them a try! I found a Groupon voucher for a full set of lash extensions, so that was all the convincing I need.

Some shameless self promotion incoming.

As you can see, I look great with them.

I can say that about myself. It’s not conceited; it’s true.

If you’re looking at getting into eyelash extensions, let me ease your mind.

Here are some things I wish I knew about getting eyelash extensions before actually getting them:

– It takes a very long time to get them done initially. I read somewhere on a company’s website that you can fall asleep during your session, and I didn’t understand why you’d want to sleep during a quick half hour visit. But they aren’t quick. Getting extensions put in for the first time can take up to two hours depending on different circumstances. My session went for about 1.5 hours. I couldn’t seem to fall asleep during the session, so go into it tired because the time will zoom past if you’re genuinely knocked unconscious.
– The difference will be super noticeable to you even if you’re going for a subtle look, to the point where you may be shocked by it. When I first looked in the mirror, I was horrified (or should I say hoerrified) because I genuinely thought I looked like a prostitute. But once you see the change, don’t react just yet; let it slide for a few days, maybe even a full week, so you can get used to them. Once you are used to them, you might come around to the look and even love them.
– Eyelash extensions are high maintenance. If you’re going to get them, get used to forking out money for them every two or three weeks to keep them going with regular infills.
– Take good care of them. Your beautician will advise you to brush them daily, and they’re telling you for good reason. Brushing your lashes daily will get rid of any natural oils that build up which could cause the glue to dissolve and make your lashes fall off. Brushing them will also keep them in good shape in case they start bending or pointing in obscure directions.
– Speaking of listening to your beautician, listen to your damn beautician! Especially if this is your first time with them, they’ll give you some vital after care instructions, including not getting them wet for 48-72 hours.
– Research your beautician before going to see them. I cannot stress this enough. Things can go wrong if you get a dodgy eyelash job. Search for testimonials, reviews, or friends recommendations when seeking out a suitable beautician. You do not want to be one of those cases that ended up getting lash lice, or faulty extensions that pulled your natural lashes out leaving you with bald eyelids.

Once you are used to your lashes and are thoroughly enjoying your new seductive look, let me just warn you that you will never go back to not having them on. Once my first set had started to fall off, it was like I looked bald and wouldn’t look fine until I had extensions back on.

Give them a try if you can! You won’t regret it!

– by The Black Widow

The Lazy-asses guide to losing weight: the diet edition

Posted in Body, Food & Nutrition by

This lazy-asses guide is that lazy, it’s taken over a month to come out!

If you haven’t read The Lazy-asses guide to losing weight: the workout edition, I suggest you read that first before delving into the diet edition.

The greater proportion of losing weight is unfortunately in the diet. That means that no matter how much you workout, you can’t use that as a justification for eating three bowls of nachos, a cheese pizza and a chocolate brownie. (If this sentence has made you crave said nachos, pizza and brownie, I apologise).

Personally, I love eating. Food is great. Food tastes great. Even being the vegetarian that I am, I prefer to eat the fatty/sugary non animal products like chocolate, cheese pizza, chocolate, and more cheese pizza, as opposed to the obviously-vegetarian options like… vegetables, and fruit. YES: BEING A VEGETARIAN DOES NOT GUARANTEE A HEALTHY DIET. Just thought I’d get that misconception out of the way.

Because Nikki Bella didn't get that body by drowning herself in peanut butter. (CREDIT: WWE.com)

Because Nikki Bella didn’t get that body by drowning herself in peanut butter. (CREDIT: WWE.com)

The most obvious thing to do to alter your diet and make it healthier is:

Cut out the bad foods
The easiest solution to turning your diet upside down is to eliminate the obviously bad foods, or “substituting them”. Instead of having a midnight snack of chocolate and chips, opt for a bowl of yoghurt with cut up banana in it. On your lunch break? Grab a sandwich and/or a salad instead of a burger and chips. Healthy eating isn’t as bad as it’s made out to be. I’ve actually come to enjoy eating salads as much as I do cheese pizza. And my relationship with cheese pizza is still going strong after all this time.

For me, substitution has played the strongest point of my change in diet. No matter how fit I am or how trim my stomach may get, I will always love eating. It’s just what I eat that plays the major factor in whether I look like Nikki Bella or Peter Griffin.

One thing that keeps me going through my diet is having something to look forward to. That something is my cheat day, which I’ve conveniently placed on a Saturday. It’s like you’re going through a dark tunnel and there’s a light at the end… only for the cycle to repeat itself, but that’s beside the point. It’s alright to have a little cheat day once a week. Just make sure you don’t splurge it. I’m talking waiting-by-the-clock-for-the-strike-of-midnight-and-then-eating-everything-in-sight splurging. Of course, if you don’t trust yourself with a full 24 hours of no dieting, then a cheat meal will also suffice, in which case, yes, splurge all you want in that one meal.

If you manage to substitute your foods, eat a cleaner diet and on top of that, work off your little butt, you will be looking as great as ever. And when you do look that great, you can refer them to Widow’s Lure as your inspiration.

I accept credit card, PayPal and boxes of chocolates (on Saturdays).

Happy weight-loss!

– by The Black Widow