He’s so excited to meet you.
I had met Mrs. Girardi years ago when I was around 12-years-old, but only recently have I found out his name (he identifies as a male).
To understand who exactly Mrs. Girardi is and what his importance is to me, we have to go back to the beginning…
Please note that the following may be graphic or triggering to some as mental health will be openly discussed. If talks of suicide or hospitalisation is too much for you to handle, then please do not continue and feel free to come back to this post whenever you feel ready.
If you are feeling low, suicidal, or you are in a crisis, please talk to a family member or friend, or please contact Lifeline:
PHONE: 13 11 14
TEXT: 0477 131 114
WEBSITE AND LIVE CHAT: https://www.lifeline.org.au/.
If you haven’t watched my Takedowns and Tiaras episode discussing my battles with BPD, let me try and give you a brief rundown of what was discussed on my vlog:
– I was officially diagnosed with BPD in February 2018 after being hospitalised due to a failed suicide attempt.
– After talking to my psychologist about my diagnosis and what BPD actually entails, I began to recognise signs of BPD as early as 12-years-old where I would become extremely attached to friends and would break down if I felt they were pulling away from me because of my extreme fear of abandonment.
– Receiving the diagnosis was both a blessing and a curse; a blessing as I finally knew what I was fighting against and now could easily recognise the signs once I noticed them and could equip myself with the tools to combat it; a curse because knowing the signs also meant that you knew when you were “losing” the battle. Having BPD is a constant struggle, and learning to live or co-exist with it is sometimes the only way you can “survive” it.
If you would like more information on Borderline Personality Disorder, please refer to this Help Guide link here.
A couple of months ago, I was talking to my friend Rhi for her podcast (which was a great bloody chat and should be released soon!) We openly discussed my diagnosis with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), why I call myself a BPD Warrior, and how I deal with that not only as a wrestler but as a human in general (it’s tough, but I take it one step at a time and have an amazing support network behind me).
One thing that she mentioned that has stuck with me ever since was when she mentioned that some find it helpful to label that other part of them, or give them a name. Straight away I thought that humanising that part of me sounded like a mistake, but she explained it that acknowledging that part of you as a completely different entity can make it easier for a person to differ your calm, sound self to the erratic, emotional self you turn into when experiencing an episode, thus making it easier for you to recognise the symptoms/signs and stop yourself from having an episode or experiencing a really bad episode.
I sat on this information for a while. It was in the back of my head, because I wanted to give my BPD version a name that stuck.
Now if you know me, you would know that I am a HUGE
mark fan of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – the glitz, the glamour, the drama, the glam squads… what’s not to love?! One of my favourite housewives that have been featured during the show’s tenure (season 10 has dropped her down one or two spots but that’s another story) is Erika Girardi, a beautiful blonde housewife to a very successful lawyer, whom also lives a double life as Erika Jayne, a sexually confident enigma popstar with amazing bops like Pretty Mess and Painkillr. The way Erika clearly differentiated between Erika Girardi and Erika Jayne resonated with me, and the way she could easily slip into Erika Girardi, just to turn around and become Erika Jayne was kind of inspirational.
And that’s when it hit me. I had an Erika Girardi and an Erika Jayne in me. After realising that I couldn’t name my BPD self Nikki Jayne (my best friend Nikki Jayne would not appreciate that), that’s when I decided that my BPD self was named Mrs. Girardi.
You don’t like Mrs. Girardi.
Mrs. Girardi is emotionally unstable; jealous; insecure; hyper-aggressive; hysterical; depressed; erratic; manic; all of the above. He will cry one minute, just to lash out at you the next, just to stroke the side of your face and beg for your forgiveness mere seconds later.
It’s hard to explain how Mrs. Girardi comes out. It’s like my sound self will be going throughout my day like nothing is wrong, and then something happens that will trigger my BPD, and it’s as if I’ve been kicked out of my own body and someone else has taken control of it, and all I can do is sit back and watch as Mrs. Girardi takes control of my body vessel and absolutely tears my relationships to shreds with his intense emotional instability. I almost don’t have enough fingers to count how many relationships Mrs. Girardi has ruined over the years, because the second he senses that someone is leaving or abandoning him… well, isn’t it easier to make them leave you before they have the chance to do that by themselves?
I had a friend, and for the sake of this story, let’s say his name is Brendan. We were very close friends to the point that I would safely say he was one of my best friends. I had grown an attachment to him, which meant that Mrs. Girardi had grown an even stronger attachment to him. We had a very rocky relationship due to Mrs. Girardi’s emotional instability, and Brendan tried to stay strong and persevere because he knew that through the stormy weather, my sound self really valued his friendship and we would get along like a house on fire otherwise.
And then one day, Brendan got engaged. My sound self was happy for him and wanted him to have the best of his life. Mrs. Girardi didn’t share that sentiment. Mrs. Girardi saw that as Brendan abandoning him, because how dare could someone have a life outside of him? So Mrs. Girardi did what he does best – he lashed out. This was in 2018 when I was mentally at my weakest, which meant that Mrs. Girardi had more control over me than normal, but I remember it so clearly as if it was yesterday.
I was typing on my keyboard, much like I am now as I write this blog post, as Brendan and I chatted over Messenger. But the minute Mrs. Girardi saw red, he saw red, and he wanted to push Brendan away before Brendan could have the opportunity to leave himself. I distinctly remember everything became blurry as my fingers rapidly typed out really horrible, vile messages to Brendan in an attempt to push him away; this wasn’t the first time Mrs. Girardi had lashed out at Brendan, and each time this had happened, Brendan fought the battle to maintain the friendship we had. But that didn’t happen this time.
Brendan realised he couldn’t win this battle, and Mrs. Girardi had finally gotten the better of him, so he cut his losses. He cut me out of his life entirely, and the heartbreak that I thought I was saving myself by pushing him away by choice came anyway.
It’s been over two years, and I still haven’t heard from Brendan, and I don’t particularly blame him. Those terrible messages will haunt me for the rest of my life, even if I didn’t mean a single word, because they were the straw that broke the camel’s back, and my years-long friendship with Brendan had ended. Because of Mrs. Girardi.
It may seem to some as if I am just making excuses for myself and trying to put the blame on another entity that doesn’t tangibly exist, but I’m not; I accept that my relationships that have been destroyed during my 27 years on this world due to my BPD are my fault and I will wear those scars for the rest of my life.
But I hope that introducing you to Mrs. Girardi gives you a fair idea of what I go through as someone with BPD, and that an irrational outburst harbours so much more underneath the surface than what it appears to be. Underneath it all, someone who is lashing out due to their BPD is hurt. That’s all there is to it. They could be telling you that you’re the worst person they’ve ever met and they want nothing to do with you anymore, but if you can equip yourself with the right tools to handle someone who has BPD, you can successfully read between the lines and see that it’s a cry for help.
Throughout my journey of coping with my diagnosis and equipping myself with my own tools to live with this disorder, I am able to keep Mrs. Girardi caged, and more often than before I can respond to a situation with a calm and sound mind. But Mrs. Girardi is relentless, and will know the right time to strike once the opportunity presents itself.
If you or anyone you know are experiencing symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, I would highly recommend going to see a psychologist, counsellor, or even your General Practitioner for help. And don’t forget that your family and friends and the loved ones in your life will always have an ear for you, even if you do feel like a burden as I sometimes do. It is possible to live with BPD and have a happy, fulfilling life; you just need to surround yourself with the right people and have the right tools to do so. And if you don’t feel like you have anyone to go to, then my DMs are literally always open for anyone struggling with BPD or mental health.
In conclusion, I would like to leave you with these deep and meaningful four words: fuck you Mrs. Girardi.
– by The Black Widow/Mrs. Girardi