Dating, With an FP

Having BPD + a platonic FP = a non-existent dating life.

Navigating love can be challenging as it is, but trying to have a healthy dating life when you have a personality disorder like BPD can make it even harder. 

As a quick refresher, an FP (or favourite person) to someone who has BPD is the most important person of their life, whether they’re conscious of this or not. Their whole mood revolves around this person, so if they’re on good terms with the FP, then it’s all happy days; if things aren’t great between the borderline and the FP, then the whole world is against them and everything sucks. (You can read more about my personal experiences with FPs at this link here.)

FPs can be in the form of a romantic partner, but if you’re like me, your FP manifests in platonic friends, family members, or even celebrities. This is where the main issue that I personally face arises when it comes to dating.

Love sucks. Adding an FP makes it suck even more. (CREDIT: eltpics’s Flickr photostream)

To set the scene, for example, let’s say I’m dating someone named Oliver. We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months and everything there is going great. However, my FP is my friend named Bruno. While there is no sexual or romantic attraction to Bruno, he has become my entire life and my happiness solely depends on Bruno, and I constantly want to be around Bruno – even moreso than Oliver.

And thus there lies the problem. Even though I’m dating Oliver and there is a genuine romantic interest in Oliver, in my head, Oliver doesn’t even compare to Bruno. 

To be completely transparent, I am 29-years-old and still don’t know how to completely navigate life and relationships as someone with BPD, and I definitely am not an expert on navigating love and dating with a platonic FP. Currently speaking, I have a platonic FP and because my focus is so centered on him, I find it very difficult to even attempt a dating life.

From the outside looking in, it is very easy to assume that I have romantic feelings for my FP because my mind essentially becomes obsessed with them. I get it. I truly get it. In fact, growing up without the diagnosis, I had always assumed my strong feelings for my FP were romantic when that isn’t necessarily the case. I’m constantly seeking his approval and validation, my senses are almost heightened whenever he’s around, and I’m acutely aware of every small thing that is happening when he’s near. On the flipside, when he does the tiniest thing that could lead my borderline mind to think he’s abandoning me, all of a sudden he’s the worst person and I’m thrown into a bout of depression just because of this one man. 

Taking all of this into consideration, the normal person with little to no understanding of BPD could hypothesise that I in fact am harbouring romantic feelings for my FP. And while it’s true that I crave their attention and would be happy (or irrationally angry) by having them constantly around me, that’s where it ends for me. I can’t picture myself in a relationship with my FP, or getting intimate with them, or even building a life with them that wasn’t strictly as friends.

Passing it back to my love life, it’s essentially non-existent. I’m not seeing anyone, talking to anyone, or engaging in conversation with the attempt to bonk with anyone. It’s completely dead, and I’m not sad or miserable about it at all. I have Tinder downloaded on my phone, and every now and then I’ll swipe through profiles for about 10 seconds, and then close the app. During this rinse-repeat cycle that I’ve established, I’ll get matches, but I won’t do anything about it because my heart’s not in it. It’s as if I’m going through the motion because it’s expected of me as a young, attractive 20-something-old to want to date and find that special someone. But the truth is I don’t really want to, because I make myself happy, and if I don’t, then my FP will.

If I’m invited to an event where I get a plus one, I immediately think of bringing my FP as my date. If someone were to ask me to think of someone special in my life that I want to give a gift to, you guessed it, my FP shoots to my mind. 

It’s almost self sabotage, really. I’m blocking myself from potentially finding happiness with Oliver, because my mind is too fixated with Bruno. It’s like paying attention to one plant too much that you neglect the second plant that is withering and dying.

I’m working hard to try and set boundaries with my FP so I’m not as reliant or co-dependent on them to find happiness. I know I can find happiness in myself and with other friends and family, but sometimes I feel like that can be dramatically shifted because of a tiny incident with my FP. Establishing these boundaries with my FP, and hopefully in turn they establish boundaries with me, opens up the possibilities for me to seek independence from them and pursue potential relationships with others.

Boundaries that I am endeavouring to set for myself, which you could also use if you feel like you’re in a similar boat as me, include:
– Creating distance, both physically and emotionally, between us if I think my feelings and emotions are becoming heightened;
– Relying on others for emotional support that I’d usually expect from my FP, sometimes unfairly;
– Practicing mindfulness when I start to feel like my FP is my entire life and I can’t function without him;
– Willfully acknowledging that my FP is a friend and nothing more than that, so I am able to pursue a romantic relationship without feeling guilty;
– Most importantly, acknowledging and validating my own feelings.

I am aware that my FP isn’t my entire life, and before we met, I was existing perfectly fine. Just like a romantic partner should, an FP is meant to enhance my life, not hinder it (even with BPD). Keeping this in mind will only assist me in searching for a life outside of them.

– by The Black Widow

Dating Nikki: The sexy selfie

Back at it with the Dating Nikki.

Hello blogosphere! It’s me again, providing you with unsolicited dating advice even though I’m notoriously single and patiently waiting for someone to turn me into a Real Housewife.

Today’s topic: the sexy selfie, or in NSFW words, the nude.

I’m sure if you’re over the age of 18 (and let’s be honest, some under the 18 unfortunately experience this) and you’ve been chatting to that guy/girl/genderqueer person and things are starting to get fairly heated between the two of you, the thought of sending them a suggestive selfie of yourself has popped into your mind.

Some people like to spice up their relationship by sending photos or videos to titillate the other. Some have to tough it out long distance and to keep the sexual chemistry alive, they choose to share their bodies over different media channels to keep that spark. Some are even capitalising off of materials like this with things like OnlyFans out there.

I’m gonna be frank here: I personally do not do nudes at all for my own reasons. But I don’t judge people who do wish to send them out.

So if you are one of those few, there are just a few things to consider if you are contemplating sharing your body in picture format with someone:

– The most important part: seek permission first. I shouldn’t have to say that consent is consent, but for the love of all that is holy, please ensure that you have the other person’s permission first before sending them your dong/box pic.
Make sure you trust the person. You are choosing to share a private part of yourself with someone, and in this day and age, you never know what they could do with that information.
– Be prepared to face the consequences. Should, heaven forbid, your nudes get out because the person you sent them to is a royal scumbag, then unfortunately you must prepare yourself for the consequences. The internet doesn’t forget, and once your nudies are uploaded on there, they won’t be forgotten. Take a nude and send it knowing that there is a slight possibility that your grandmother’s friend’s attractive grandson might see it, or that your prospective future employer might know what your titties look like.

Now we’ve gotten the dark side of nudes out of the way, let’s talk about the scintillating part:
Know what your partner likes. Your partner may prefer you to bare it all; they may prefer you to leave a tiny bit to the imagination. Depending on what they like, you may send them a cheeky underwear selfie, or a full blown box pic.
Respect each other’s boundaries. If you’ve just delved into the world of sexy selfies, you may not know what each other’s limits are. Your partner may have a limit, which could be related to the above point. If they’re not ready to see your full blown genitalia on full view, then respect that limit and work your way up to it should your relationship go in that direction.
Don’t be afraid to spice it up every now and then. You’ve gotten into the groove of communicating with your partner via sexy selfies, and now they’re wanting to shake things up a bit. Add a theme to your photos: maybe you’re a burlesque dancer at the Moulin Rouge; or you’re a sexy jungle ninja looking to ensnare your prey (IE your partner).

Now that you’ve read this post, please re-read the first point of seeking permission/consent first. I cannot drill that in enough.

Enjoy your nudes you filthy bunch of animals!

– by The Black Widow

If you have a question or need some good ol’ fashioned blunt advice from #DatingNikki, use the Contact page on our website and put in your comment “Subject: Dating Nikki”, or alternatively send me an e-mail at widowslure@gmail.com and put “Dating Nikki” in the subject line. I will respond to your cries for help as soon as possible!

Seven Questions I Have for Love Island: The Game – Season Two

Be prepared for my favourite season ever!

After posing some questions about Love Island: The Game Season One, I’m very excited to put forward some questions about my personal favourite season.

While season one was my introduction to this amazing game, season two managed to double the fun, double the drama, and just top what I thought was an un-toppable season.

The characters were more relatable, the season was almost twice as long, there was even more drama than #Cherrygate could dare dream of, and the avatar artwork was a whole lot better, meaning Tygress could be even cuter than before!

The beautiful characters of Love Island Game: Season Two (my Gary’s the cute blond one on the left… isn’t he adorable?!)

I have already played through this season twice and am now on my third playthrough (ended up with Gary first, ended up with Jakub second), and this doesn’t even include playing through the season for my #NikkiPlaysLoveIsland live streaming series. That should give you an idea of how awesome this season is.

But if I had questions about season one, then you best bet I have questions for season two.

SPOILERS AHEAD! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

1. Why are we still playing as a fit female?
Come on Fusebox. Come on.

2. Why is Gary so perfect?
I have never experienced a love like the one that me and Gary shared… oh sorry, I meant that Tygress and Gary shared. To me, he was the most human of the characters, and coupled with his cheeky sense of humour and his bulging biceps, I was just completely enamoured with him. If I needed any more reason to love him, the story he shared about growing up as an insecure boy who became unhealthily obsessed with working out and had to seek therapy and help for his problem just made me fall in love with him even more… oh sorry, I meant made Tygress fall in love with him. In short, Gary Rennell is perfection, and I will not hear otherwise.

3. Why is Hope such a snivelling little bitch and why are we expected to put up with her shit?
I’m an avid participant of the Fusebox Games Reddit so I can share my feelings towards Love Island: The Game with other fanatics. A popular opinion among the group is that everybody hates Hope. There is no redeeming quality about her; if you choose to pair up with Noah at the beginning, she just snakes him off you with no regard for your feelings even after claiming she’s ‘in it for the girls’; she rubs her fake relationship with Noah in your face for the rest of the season; and she tries way too hard to be the unofficial leader of the girls to the point that you want to throw her overboard. Who died and made you Captain Sparrow, bitch.

4. What was the actual point of Casa Amor?
Okay, I get the point of Casa Amor, but what was the actual point? As far as I’m concerned, during all three of my playthroughs, not once was my head ever turned by the fellas in Casa Amor, and the days spent in there were just a waste of time. The guy who had the best opportunity to turn my head (Felix) straight up admitted that he didn’t like me in that way, so again I ask… what was the actual point?

5. What is the obsession with feet and farts?
Come on Fusebox, maybe one or two responses with feet/farts would’ve been funny, but when nearly every decision you get to make has an option to do with feet/farts… come on guys. Come on.

6. Why can’t you let me be a bitch in peace?
In my first playthrough, I was sweet and agreeable to ensure the best possible endgame. In my second playthrough, I was more true to myself, which meant that if I didn’t like the character, then I let them know it. Every opportunity I got to drag Hope, Lottie, Hannah and Priya (only in the beginning when she snaked my Gary off me), I took it, and it gave me such great pleasure when the sad emojis popped out. But even after all of this dragging, they were still trying to be friends with me and going on about ‘girls forever’. Ughhhh. Just fuck off Lottie. You’re not unique and loveable; you are a stupid ass bitch. Hate me and leave me in peace!

7. Why was this season so iconic?
It takes some great storytelling to make the player feel a sense of community among a group of video game characters, but Love Island: The Game Season Two managed to pull that off. From the invention of a new word to fool hunky Jakub (I always went with ‘al dente’), to the hilarious malfunctioning baby cry (waaah… ahh… aaah), every ‘personal joke’ made by the characters on the game made you feel like you were in on the joke as well. Making a player feel that sense of family and community even though it’s a video game is a rare occurrence, and Fusebox have done a wonderful job of making season two this enjoyable.

Now that that’s done, I’m going to get back to my third playthrough where I’m going to fall in love with Gary again and not give anyone else a chance even though I’ve already been down this road before. Sorry Lucas. You’re cute, but not Gary cute.

– by The Black Widow

Dating Nikki: is date ditching ever justified?

Dear Nikki,

A while ago, my friend set me up on a blind date with his girlfriend’s sister. His girlfriend was good looking, so I was expecting a goddess. When I showed up to the location, I met her: she didn’t really look like her sister, and she was dressed very down in track pants and thongs, and made little to no effort in her physical appearance. Okay, not a good start, but I was fine with that. Before we went to our movie, she wanted to stop by Woolworths. I said okay and went with her. She went in and stole lollies from the confectionary aisle right in front of me… and the total value of said lollies were about $6. I would have easily paid for those lollies if she asked, but no. She shoplifted on a first date.

After that, I told her that I was just going to run to the toilet before going to the movie. I went straight to the train station and went home. I don’t regret my decision at all, but the backlash from my mate’s girlfriend was not pretty. Were my actions justified?

The Maverick

cooltext369795130486898 

Dear The Maverick,

I think in this situation, your actions were very justified. I’m sorry, but if someone shoplifted in front of me – whether it be on a first, date, tenth date, or our wedding night – and thought it was a really good idea, I would definitely ditch the date. No questions asked. That situation just shows you what kind of person she really is… a dishonest one. And what’s the point in dating someone if you can’t trust them because you know they’re dishonest?

I appreciate the fact, however, that you didn’t ditch because she looked daggy or wasn’t what you expected. One of my things on first dates is dress to impress, but don’t overdress to the point that you look like you’re going to sip some sparkling wine at the opera. I will always dress presentably on first dates. In saying that, if she was that comfortable in her trackies and jandals, then that’s fine. May not be your (or my) cup of tea, but I’m glad you were willing to overlook that somewhat trivial aspect about your blind date.

Of course, ditching dates isn’t a good idea, but everything depends on the situation. Hell, even something as big as killing someone could be justified depending on the situation (like self-defence, and in no way am I advocating the murder of people, I’m just using that as an example). If you would’ve ditched the date because she was wearing trackies, then I wouldn’t give you the thumbs up at all. I would’ve called you shallow and a wanker. Or possibly just a shallow wanker. But leaving because your date thought it’d be a good idea to steal lollies worth a small amount? LOL. Yep. Good job mate.

I hope your mate’s girlfriend knows what she had done so she can understand why you did what you did. If she doesn’t? Just redirect her here to Widows Lure so she can see your side of the story. And my sage advice. Curtseys.

Happy dating… and go the Broncos!

– by The Black Widow

If you have a question or need some good ol’ fashioned blunt advice from #DatingNikki, use the Contact page on our website and put in your comment “Subject: Dating Nikki”, or alternatively send me an e-mail at widowslure@gmail.com and put “Dating Nikki” in the subject line. I will respond to your cries for help as soon as possible!