Porsha and Stephanie and Camille, Oh My!

Spoiler alert: this is not a Real Housewives post.

If you are a frequent reader of Widow’s Lure, then you know that I am unapologetic about two things: one, I looooove me some Real Housewives and I don’t care if it appears to be my one personality trait, and two, I’m living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and do my best to bring awareness to an illness that usually goes under the radar.

As these two different worlds are such a big part of my life, it should come to no surprise that they were going to collide at some point. Allow me to explain how (and why!)

One of the biggest symptoms of BPD is having rapid, uncontrollable mood swings. In a normal day, I can go from content, to happy and sweet, to bitter and angry, to sad and insecure in the space of two minutes. I can get triggered by the smallest things, actions or words, and my mood can change at the drop of a hat.

A big personal victory for me is recognising that I suffer from these mood swings; recognising this has actually helped me in controlling the mood swings to the best of my ability, and reining it in when necessary so I don’t explode and damage those around me.

In an effort to recognise when I go into a certain mood, I’ve nicknamed these ‘personalities’, and would you believe it — I named them after some Real Housewives!

Allow me to introduce you to the women that live rent-free in my head, and give you a brief description of each of these personalities:

Erika (after Erika Jayne from RHOBH)
Key traits: sad and insecure
Formerly known as Mrs. Girardi (but since she’s divorced, I had to update the name accordingly), Erika is probably my strongest mood. Erika thinks everyone is out to get her, and those closest to her have ulterior motives when pursuing a friendship or relationship with her. Erika believes that her favourite person is constantly trying to leave her, and grieves the possibility of losing them even though they’ve expressed no desire to leave her.

Porsha (after Porsha Williams from RHOA)
Key traits: angry and rageful
Porsha will get hood with you at a second’s notice and she doesn’t care how “ghetto” or “ratchet” she appears. Armed with hoop earrings that will fly off if you test her, Porsha uncontrollably lashes out at you if she feels you’re abandoning her and will absolutely verbally annihilate you if she feels threatened. As you can tell, Porsha is definitely the most dangerous of my personalities, and the one that most requires a cage.

Monique (after Monique Samuels from RHOP)
Key traits: jealous and spiteful
Monique essentially serves as the bridge between Erika and Porsha. Erika will feel sad and insecure, and without any action, it will turn into jealousy. Enter Monique. She is territorial and believes what’s hers is rightfully hers. If you spend time with her favourite person, then you best watch out because Monique’s irrational jealousy can quickly turn into Porsha’s rage.

Stephanie (after Stephanie Hollman from RHOD)
Key traits: compassionate and sweet
On the other end of the spectrum to Porsha is Stephanie. Stephanie speaks with her own soft, slightly higher-pitched voice, and is very kind and caring to those that she loves. Not afraid of comforting a friend or hugging them, Stephanie is the calm voice of reason that will support her friends and family at the drop of a hat.

Camille (after Camille Grammar from RHOBH)
Key traits: sexy and confident
Camille is drop dead gorgeous and she knows it. While Stephanie will accept a compliment with a pure sincerity, Camille will acknowledge it as fact and even question why you decided to bring it up in the first place. Camille walks with a strut, flaunt her best assets any chance she gets, and will use her alluring charm to get what she wants when she wants.

Teresa (after Teresa Giudice from RHONJ)
Key traits: deluded and dry
Teresa almost lives in a fantasy world where what she believes in is the law, and she doesn’t understand when others try to bring her down to reality. As a defence mechanism for when those question the state she lives in, she speaks fluent sarcasm when really she is defending the hurt she’s feeling. Teresa longs to be acknowledged, and only in her fantasy world is where she can get the attention she craves.

Naming these personalities of mine has helped me move in the right direction of regulating my moods to the best of my physical ability.

When I have that feeling of going from Stephanie to Porsha and I can recognise it, acknowledging that is the first step towards regulating my moods and emotions to have healthy conversations as opposed to Porsha literally dragging someone. When I know that Erika has taken over, I can recognise that this feeling of insecurity and inadequacy will past.

This is not to say that all of these personalities are either good or bad. If I’m out with friends and one of them is aggressively being hit on, it’ll be Porsha that jumps in and defends them; Monique’s jealousy is really a sign that Monique has a pure, sincere love for that person.

As for which personality is writing this blog article… it’s probably Camille.

If you would like more information on BPD, please feel free to visit any of the following links:
BPD Australia
Helping Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder

– by The Black Widow

Bad Days: Understanding Assholes

Everything is making you upset, bad things seem to be following you, and the stress of it all is transforming into a silent and sad rage. It’s just another day, except you’re pissy at the universe and the universe is retaliating. It isn’t really though, because I’ve lived through this day; in fact, I experience this phenomenon two to three times in a good week.

"My hair looks like crap? I hate everyone."

“My hair looks like crap? I hate everyone.”

It can be akin to a child who ruins their day at Sea World because they’re still grumpy about not riding shotgun on the way there. When you wake up upset, everything in your path will make you more so as the day goes on, and when it’s over you feel like the irrational and idiotic person you hate other people for being. It’s the hindsight that really kills you, and you end up having a string of thoughts similar to this:

‘You idiot, you got upset over that? You’re a real shit-head. Here, have this big reality check.’.

But even if you’re flipping tables, or cussing-out your mother, or death-staring strangers on the train, there’s something you should know; it’s a shame to think that anything you feel is invalid.

I’m going to take a chapter out of the Big Book of Cliches and say that nobody is perfect, and human nature makes us prone to dramatise everything that we do and everything that is done to us. If we’re lucky, there’s always someone around to tell us when we’re being unreasonably shitty, but even then we can’t pretend to switch off the feelings that have already bubbled to our brim.

Example: My partner tried to kiss me but instead smashed his nose into my face. What a funny little accident, right? Nope, not in my state of despair; this was just another sign that the universe was against me. Once my anger subsided to muffled misery, the unloading began, and suddenly he became an audience member to the tragic play that was my Tuesday:

‘It’s just that my mum called, and that made me miss her, but also we didn’t have milk for coffee, and my hair wasn’t doing that flippy thing I like, and oh yeah, I’m sad about how strained me and my father’s relationship has become.’

And just like that my day from Hell was diminished to a few annoyances and a huge emotional issue that was lying dormant in my self-conscious. If I had taken the time to talk to someone about this, or even think about it myself, I might have had the best damn day of my life. But realistically, days like this can’t be avoided so easily, because when emotion takes over, all rationality is crumpled up and thrown into the gutter – and this is why I desperately try to apply this to all the other seemingly evil people I come across.

When an old lady cuts in front of me at the shops, sure, I hate her and all other elderly people in the world, but only briefly, because I know there’s an excuse for her rudeness. Maybe she only has two more hours to live, and before she dies she has to purchase a photo frame for her only daughter, Jessica, and place inside a picture of them sitting on the beach together from their Perth trip back in 89′, just to let her know that she will always be with her and that her love for Jessica is as endless as the waves of that ocean.

Not only do I admire this lady’s love for her daughter, but I pity her, because she is going to be dead by the time I eat the chocolate I’m waiting in line to pay for. I know the story is farfetched and lame, but I’d like to think that instead of this lady being a total dick, there’s a reason for her actions, because I know I’ve always uncovered a reason behind mine. But this doesn’t excuse the lesson that taking the time to sort out the emotional stress in your head will make you less of an asshole, and more attuned to all the goodness in your day.

So instead of categorising your feelings or the feelings of others as unworthy, think of why people do the things they do. When you’re having a bad day take the time to figure out why, rather than spend it hating on yourself and others because you might feel like you have the freedom to wallow in your own frustrations, but it comes at a cost, not just to your day but to the people around you.

– by Josefina Huq