Adult Skills

Over the age of eighteen? Well this article was written for you – unless you have your shit together, than you can ignore all of this. But don’t lie to yourself. If you’re that twenty-something year old who just moved out of their childhood home, or that middle-aged man who just separated and realised that they actually don’t know how to wash their own jocks then read on.

I don’t care if you’re happy to keep letting the people around you do every job that you haven’t bothered to learn; you’re an adult. There are some things that you have to know before it’s too late. But before we continue I admit that I don’t know how to do half of these things, however I am aware that I should.

Cook

Is this you?

Is this you?

I don’t expect even the most pro-active of people to be great at this, but if you’re at least able to not make yourself sick then that’s good enough. Cooking is the shit. It satisfies your mind, your tum-tum, and if you get better at it, your ego. Domino’s pizza and two-minute noodles can only satisfy a person for so long; ditching the microwavables and deep-fried crapola means that you’re on your way to becoming a well-balanced adult. Don’t fool yourself buddy; it doesn’t matter how many KFC coupons you’ve saved up, in the long run learning to at least fry an egg will keep your wallet and stomach comfortably full.

Clean

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How not to clean

What the fuck are you doing mopping the floor with detergent? You obviously didn’t help your parents with the cleaning, did you? You can’t survive simply off of windex and detergent, you need various chemicals for various things. You could ask your parents because they are probably real adults and will help you out. If you don’t want your dishwasher to overflow with bubbles or you’re wanting to get rid of those weird mushrooms growing out of your shower, it’s time to pick up a Chux and read some instructions.

Read

I don’t mean this in a general way like “you’re not an adult unless you read x amount of novels,” but there are some things that might prove helpful to read. The older you get the easier it is to get fat. That grid of numbers on the back of food packages could help you determine what you should eat, how much and why. Buzz-words like “low-fat” and “90% of your daily fibre” may lead you to think that some products are superior, but this deception can vanish when you read its Nutritional Information.

Another thing that should make sense to you is analogue time. For some people it really is a problem. But not every watch and clock in the world has switched over to digital just yet, so don’t assume that you don’t need to know how to read them.

Mend and Spend

2SW4nsn

Time to get a new shirt

Calm down; you don’t need a sewing machine just yet, but you should have a few things in case of emergencies. Thread, needle, and maybe some buttons will come in handy (On another note: KEEP the spare buttons that come with new clothing). Before planning a trip to K-Mart really look at the damage. If it’s a small hole or a lost button chances are you can mend it yourself rather than spending more mulla.

Another part of being an adult is realising that expensive clothes are just that for a reason. As a rule of thumb these clothes will last longer, assuming you care for it responsibly. It means that instead of getting a pair of skinnys from Target that will last a month or two, you should maybe check out that fancy looking denim boutique.

Finance

Even though many adults are still supported by other people (no shame) there is still a certain level of responsibility you have to have. It’s dependent on the person but simply budgeting or tracking what you buy can help you save money. This is a tip I’ve heard over and over again but it still rings true: When you think of buying something, think of what you would rather be given by somebody else; that thing or the equivalent in money?

Always making sure you have some sort of income is essential to live a good life, this means not quitting a job before you find a new one, remembering to report to Centrelink or even being grateful for the money someone else is supporting you with.

Long story short: Money keeps you alive, always make sure you have a steady supply of it.

Listen to your body

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Ow! My spraying hand

After eighteen years of your life you should be used to your own body, but sometimes it’s easy to forget that you are responsible for it. It seems like common sense but sometimes we neglect going to the doctors and certain specialists because of the time, effort, and expenses that come with it. These things can exponentially rise if left alone; toothaches can turn into expensive root-canal procedures, intolerances can lead to severe allergies. And the routine things we have to do; pap smears, STD checks and breast exams are things that could potentially save your life. Keep up with your checkups.

Wrap A Present

Seriously, it’s not funny anymore. Nobody likes a nice present bundled up in butchers paper and masking tape.

−  by Josefina Huq

You Know What Sh!ts Me?: Society Hates Sick People

I write this from my bed, a bed that has become refuge for the last week or so. Half-drunk tea cups and soup bowls accumulate high in the surrounding area, protected by a fence of snotty tissues and Soothers wrappers. And as if this wasn’t bad enough, this hell of chilling and scolding fever, I have to prove to the people around me that I’m legitimately on the brink of death.

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People get sick, quite often I might add. As far as medicine has come in our existence there is still no cure for the common cold or for the viruses that have caused my tonsillitis. I do not blame the medical or scientific community for this. There are some crappy things that just become part of life and having the flu a couple times a year is one of them. However, society itself does not tolerate this common human affliction.

Why is it that just because I have an assignment due for uni today (which I have completed) and work tomorrow morning that I still feel this guilt for not being able to make it to either of these places? For example, the e-mail I sent to my tutor this morning was a mess of sorrys and reassurances that I will give him a medical certificate. If I am sick, the first priority should be that I get better, not that I have to prove my degree of sickness, but somehow this makes sense: if I’m too sick to leave the house and hand in work at university then I should somehow not be too sick to leave the house to go to the doctors and get a certificate.

I can’t call my boss and simply tell her I can’t come in because I’m sick; instead, I end up saying something along the lines of: “I’m so so so so sorry, I could maybe come in for a couple of hours,” but in my head I’m thinking: “What? I’m sick, I need rest, why am I saying these things?”

I understand that being sick inconveniences a lot of people; my boss will have to find somebody else to work and my tutor will have to wait to grade my assessment, but if we all know that this happens to everyone quite regularly than there should be allowances and backup plans made. Above all we shouldn’t be made to feel this insane guilt when we’re already feeling intense sickness.

I should mention that I’m really jaded about this topic because at one time in my life being sick nearly cost me my job. I worked at a cafe for a while, and after being there for about a month the boss gave me a raise for my hard work. At this point the boss seemed awesome. A couple months later I get sick and call him to say so, which he then replies with ‘That’s okay, you should come in anyway.’ So I do, and for that week I work as hard as I can, when I only have about 60% of my usual energy and 189% of the mucus. At the end of the week he tells me that he is thinking of firing me because I had been ‘slacking off at work even after I was given a raise.’

A lot of questions arise from this one incident, but the main one for me was: what happened in this man’s life to make him think that making a sick person work would be okay? The answer, I have to assume, is the world we live in. A world where there must be billions of people sick at this very second but they are all being treated like a horse with a broken hoof.

I know this seems like a really big ‘what grinds my gears’ article, but I am very seriously curious to know if anyone feels the same. I understand that these practices are put in place for the whole of society to be more efficient, but on a personal level it seems like such a sacrifice.

 by Josefina Huq

I’ve Given Up On M.Night Shyamalan

I want to take a little time to recall some brilliant films. Do you remember a movie about a child who could see and talk to dead people? I do, and I remember it being full of genuinely frightening moments and an atomic bomb of a story twist; this was The Sixth Sense, directed by M.Night Shyamalan only fifteen years ago.

This is what everyone looked like watching it, don't lie.

This is what everyone looked like watching it, don’t lie.

I also fondly recall watching Unbreakable for the first time, which also contained a mind-shattering twist and a damn good cast of actors; again, Shyamalan is responsible for creating this cult film.

Badass

Badass

And here is where the problem comes to light; can you recall a film about trees who make people suicidal? If you can’t, pat yourself on the back, you really saved yourself time and sanity. The Happening was also the work of Shyamalan, the same guy who created instant classics and then went on to produce pieces of actual poop.

OH GOD, WHY TREES, WHY?

OH GOD, WHY TREES, WHY?

I have tried to keep calm in the face of such terrible film making, telling myself that it’s okay. Maybe he’s a one trick pony and theres only so long he can make twist endings work, maybe his first few movies were some sort of fluke, a moment of his insanity that happened to work. I did this over and over: with films like The Village, and Lady in the Water. But god dammit if I’m not tired of trying so hard. Not after what he did, not after making The Last Airbender.

One of the best television shows

One of the best television shows

One of the worst things in my life (Sorry, kid)

One of the worst things in my life (Sorry, kid)

Shyamalan, if you’re out there and somehow reading this obscure article: WHAT THE FUCK, MAN? You don’t do that. You just can’t take a wonderfully-written, highly-praised, beautifully-animated television show, take all the good things out of it, and drop it on the big screen. I wanted to stick by you, even through the awkwardly directed acting and plot holes, because although I’m always disappointed by you, your films always seem to have an interesting premise. But no, you really fucked up this time.

But even amidst that awfulness there seemed to be a silver lining; this film was so bad that there was no way he would ever direct again. Then came After Earth (vomiting sound), and now he is in the mix to produce three different television programmes, and heres hoping that he just stays as the producer.

Smug bastard

Smug bastard

The purpose of this article was to mostly rant, but also to voice my genuine concerns. Why does this man keep making films? Who keeps giving him the work? And more importantly, how do we stop it? This is coming from someone who really loved the film Signs. In all seriousness, that movie planted the seed for my phobia of extraterrestrials, and any person that can induce that has some amazing power. But I think that power has been abused and needs to be taken away.

by Josefina Huq

Quit Smoking: The Best Resolution

Maybe it’s my own fault for being so annoyingly optimistic, but I absolutely love that New Years resolutions are a thing. A legitimate thing? It’s widely disputed, but even if many resolutions are abandoned not long after midnight there are countless examples of people sticking to their new goals. On your Facebook wall you may have encountered a handful of people saying that everyone should be making resolutions all the time, not just when a new year is rung in, but the popularity of such a notion is at least a good start, and by fulfilling these resolutions I’m sure people will be prompted to make many more.

It might look cool but this dog is dead now.

It might look cool but this dog is dead now.

But this isn’t about a vague wish of being nicer or being less materialistic, this is about one resolution that should take priority over any other, and at all times of the year – quitting cigarettes. Sadly, I am a smoker, and can admit that I did have this resolution and have relapsed since. It’s hard, and becomes even harder when you’re within the age bracket with the YOLO mentality. Even if this is another excuse, I lasted longer than I thought I would, and will last even longer the next time I quit. If this is you, you should be very proud and ignore the nay-sayers that tell you not to begin with the new year – any time you quit is a good time.

Maybe this will urge you to quit, or guide you on the way, or if you’re not a smoker maybe this can help you better understand what we’re all going through. These are the things that have helped me in the past and will help me again.

Know the facts.

Valuable Information.

Valuable Information.

As a loyal smoker you don’t look into the statistics of smoking, you know deep down it will deter you from doing what you “love”. When you fully grasp the seriousness of smoking, and realise each and every thing it does to your body, you will feel sick to your stomach – this is a good thing, use this feeling to get you started. Unfortunately the oodles of health risks doesn’t stop everyone in their tracks, thats okay because, wait! Theres more! Like how it makes you uglier than you should be, or takes all your pretty pennies (Like, a bunch of pennies). A quick Google search will scare you more than the packet pictures.

Keep Goals. Reward Yourself.

I would advise against rewarding yourself with dog food.

I would advise against rewarding yourself with dog food.

What a good goal is varies from person to person; what stays constant is the feeling of reward after a triumphant victory. It can be as small as a day smoke free or as big as a year, whatever it is give yourself something, obviously not smokes though, you dumb dumb. It’s okay to make both realistic and unrealistic goals, don’t think two weeks is even remotely possible for yourself? That’s okay, write it down anyway, and have a reward in mind just in case – you may surprise yourself.

It’s your decision to tell the world.

Think before you howl.

Think before you howl.

You may have heard that you have to tell everyone, so they can support you and stop you from doing anything silly. I like to think that this decision is highly dependant on the type of company you keep. A lot of people cannot grasp the seriousness of quitting and therefore can come off quite insensitive. If you know people who would react like this to your possible failure: ‘I thought you quit!’ , or ‘Well that didn’t last long’, and maybe ‘I told you so!’ than try not to be around them whilst quitting and maybe don’t tell them what you’re doing. It doesn’t mean they’re horrible people, they just don’t get it, and you shouldn’t have to validate an amazing life-saving decision to them. These reactions can create a fear of judgement and stop you from wanting to quit again.

Tell loved ones who have urged you to quit for years, the ones who can support you no matter what and at least try to understand what you’re feeling.

Find a quit buddy.

We can do this together.

We can do this together.

Friend, partner, family, stranger on a train, internet forum – Anyone who is on the same journey is completely invaluable to you at this time. Just a quick message when you’re feeling the urge is enough, they’ll tell you why you shouldn’t, what has worked for them, and more importantly if you feel like you’ve tried your very best and have still failed, they will not guilt you into oblivion. On top of all of this convincing your buddy not to smoke will motivate yourself as well.

Strategise for cravings.

Don't be this guy.

Don’t be this guy.

You could be doing every single thing right – it doesn’t matter, you will still get cravings. Some won’t last more than three minutes, others will feel like a lifetime, when this happens you need an exit strategy. Again, everyone is different, but these are the hints I can offer to you that have worked for me:

Check the time and tell yourself to wait ten minutes or so before you go for a smoke. Keep doing this, continually postponing will eventually get you to an urge-free stage.

Stop thinking. You will think about smokes even when you don’t want one – and then you’ll want one. Keep active, clean something, exercise, draw, talk to someone. Fill your time and notice how productive you’ve been without icky cigarettes.

Substitute. A very reliable brand of Electronic Cigarettes, nicotine free, helped me, but if you’re not comfortable with this splurge on some gum, eat tiny, stick-like snacks, chew on a twig. You can still have a ten minute break without a durry.

Be somewhere smoke-free. Chill inside your house if you’re not allowed to smoke there, opt to sit inside at restaurants, bars and cafes. You won’t be getting a good amount of sun but you also won’t be getting as much Cancer.

Affirm yourself. Tell yourself that you want to be healthy, smell good, have money and look pretty.

Become a recluse.

Walking will be easier without shitty lungs.

Walking will be easier without shitty lungs.

There is a real danger of going a little stir-crazy for a while, but as soon as your feel strong enough you can enter the world again. It’s essential to know what situations would usually make you smoke and deliberately avoid them. For me, it’s parties, town outings and coffee dates. Most things that include alcohol or coffee should be forgotten.

This is where I messed up. After a week at home, not smoking I was frantic to get out of the house and to a party. Fortunately there was someone there who had quit as well, and she became my quit buddy – unfortunately, as soon as she crashed for the night it left me capable to bum a smoke and feel close to guilt-free.

It’s hard, but apparently it gets easier. At the same party I met someone who told me he had been smoke free for a whole year. That alone was very impressive, that was until his friend reminded him that he had actually quit in 2011. This guy had quit more than two years ago, and didn’t even think about smoking enough to know how far he had gone. Inspiring stories like this can be found everywhere, and will help to motivate you.

Quit now, if you fail keep quitting, if you have already then congratulations, you are officially a non-smoker.

Now go eat some reward chocolate, you incredible person.

This dog: Smoke free for seventy years (In dog years).

This dog: Smoke free for seventy years (In dog years).

by Josefina Huq