Ten Things The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Taught Me

You guessed it. Another article about the icons of RHOBH.

In its simplest form, RHOBH is a spin off of the popular Real Housewives franchise, showcasing the dramatic lives of glamorous women with more money than they know what to do with.

But underneath the ‘trashy reality’ exterior it has, this iconic show has some important life lessons for all kinds of people. From not being afraid to speak your mind, to ensuring you dress to the nines for a pyjama breakfast together, the ladies of Beverly Hills are full of knowledge and wisdom, and I am going to pass these nuggets of gold down to you. You’re welcome.

They probably don’t look impressed because someone didn’t listen to number nine. (Photo taken from Greg Palmer’s Flickr photostream)

1. Pat the puss
Self explanatory really. Thank you Erika Jayne.

2. Never put your handbag on the floor
This is a superstition I have never heard of before watching this show. The belief is that putting your bag on the floor indicates losing money as it goes right out the door. Now, you will never see me put my Coach on the floor, whether it’s near impossible to hang it up somewhere or not.

3. No matter how insignificant the problem may seem to you, bring it up
One thing that I’m trying to become better at as a human is validating my emotions and feelings; I’m allowed to feel however I naturally feel about a situation. And one of the things that the Housewives of Beverly Hills do well – whether if it’s scripted or otherwise induced – is bringing up their issues to the person who caused it. Whether it’s Joyce telling racist Brandi to stop calling her Jacqueline, or Queen Eileen telling LVP she didn’t appreciate her ‘affair’ being brought up at the dinner table, they’ve taught us that the most foolish words are the ones that are unsaid.

4. You can never spend too much on a bag
Designer fashion isn’t for everyone. However, designer fashion is definitely for me. And whether you’re a Kyle who would spend thousands on a bag just to flaunt it at brunch, or you’re an Eileen who has a more conservatively priced bag that would potentially draw the ire of Kathryn Edwards, it’s an unspoken rule among the ladies that there is no such thing as spending too much money on a bag.

5. There’s no such thing as ‘too dressed up’ for an occasion
Poor Denise was dragged way out of her comfort zone when she joined RHOBH, because you can only ever be underdressed when attending a function in Beverly Hills (even though she is Denise fucking Richards). Wearing designer fashion and heels to something as simple as a brunch or a protest march is a must, and let’s not forget it. And don’t let some hatin’ ass bitch judge you for wearing glam to a wellness retreat either.

6. Don’t accuse someone of having pretend amnesia
Yeah, Teddi.

7. Always bring a gift to someone’s house for any event
When a friend has invited you over to their home for an event, whether it’s a housewarming or a simple lunch, bring something as a gift. The ladies of RHOBH always take a gift to someone’s house, no matter how small the occasion may be. And for the extra lolz, if you don’t know what to take, take a box of Cadbury’s Favourites.

8. Avoid the ‘M’ word
An entire season was based around Lisa Rinna dropping the ‘M’ word. Do yourself a favour and don’t say it.

9. Don’t bring up dirty laundry at the dinner table
While it’s a recurring theme that all of the best arguments on RHOBH happen at the damn dinner table, one of the best lessons I’ve taken from the latest season was from sweet little Sutton, who kindly advised Teddi Mellentrampcamp to not bring up Denise’s business at the dinner table. And how right you are, Sutton Stracke.

10. Don’t invite a psychic to dinner
For the love of all that is holy, don’t do it. Don’t do it to yourself. The Dinner Party from Hell is called the Dinner Party from Hell for a reason.

Also, in relation to number 10… Allison Dubois, if you’re reading this – you’ve got mf issues hun.

– by The Black Widow

Six Iconic Moments of Old School Runescape

Admit it. You loved Runescape as much as every other kid did.

A girlfriend and I have since rediscovered our love for the iconic MMORPG game and have been playing the oldschool version again, which you can find at this link. Since the game has since updated to accommodate the younger generation, I decided to list the things that made the old school version so iconic.

Doesn't this just bring back pleasant memories?

Doesn’t this just bring back pleasant memories?

From smithing your first bronze plateskirt to following someone around so you didn’t have to click your own way to a destination, these are the six moments that stood out to me as Runescape’s finest.

1. Finishing the damn tutorial island
If you are like me – and most Runescape players will empathise here – then you are not content with making just one account. Instead, you want to make several. (Some of my past horrendous accounts include “Daphne Bijou”, “Farah Hilary” and “Angelina Luv”). But what awaits every new character in the game is the tutorial island. Sure, it comes in handy if you’re new to the game and basically teaches you how to survive Runescape, but if you’re on your 50th new character, then you don’t want to be in tutorial island. At all. You have tried to speed through the island, and the other noobs around you are wondering why you are moving at such a high speed, because you just want to get to the nitty gritty, which brings me to my second point.

2. Levelling up at the cow farm
Now I acknowledge that there are probably several other farm-related places with cows you can use to level up, but I am talking about THE cow farm; the one that’s just off Lumbridge where Gillie Goats the milk maiden is waiting with two untouchable milkable cows. If you went somewhere else to level up your new level three character, you’re lying; everyone and their dog came here to start off their battle skills. You could spend hours or even days in this one place, slaying these poor innocent cows, picking up their bones and burying them, and then taking their meat remains to cook and eat. I mean, there’s nothing cruel about eating beef while killing a cow, right?

3. The Wilderness
Remember when it was possible to accidentally wander into the Wilderness and then you were confused as to why other players were killing you? For those of you who may not know, the Wilderness was the only set location where PvP action was allowed. In other parts of the Runescape world, you are not allowed to harm other players. I remember once following some dude who promised to give me Runescape money, only for him to take me to the wilderness and kill me with one slice of the sword. Lesson learned: don’t follow strangers who offer you money in a video game.

4. The Stronghold of Security and its colourful reward
An interesting way Runescape taught its players about account security was through the Stronghold of Security, which was a four level “labyrinth” that consisted of magical gates that you could only pass if you knew the answer to a question regarding account security. Some of these questions would range from “Where can you find cheats to Runescape?” to “Your friends wants to use your account to pass a quest. Do you let them?” (DISCLAIMER: paraphrasing here.) You would pass through the gates while avoiding or battling against the monsters in the labyrinth (these monsters would grow increasingly more difficult the further down you went, so avoiding them was generally the way to go), and at the end of each level came a prize. The prize at the bottom floor of the Stronghold Security? A choice of boring brown boots, or SUPER DUPER COOL RAINBOW ONES.

5. Random events
As the name suggests, these were seemingly random and could happen to you anywhere at anytime. Basically, you could be strolling through the lands of Runescape and then a creature or person would appear out of thin air, offering you some sort of service or gift. If you chose to talk to them, you would be taken off to some other world where you are told to complete a task for a reward. Some of these prizes included Runescape money, a Princess gown and a Frog head. There was no real point to these, unless you’re like me and you desperately wanted the sexy brown short shorts with the long white socks for your character. Which I still don’t have. Tear.

6. The run to your grave
So not everyone is lucky, and sometimes you will get into a battle and come out the losing end. It’s a video game. That’s fine. Respawning is always a thing… except for one small problem: if you die, you drop everything on you besides the two most valuable things in your possession, and you have about 60 seconds to get back to the spot where you died to gather the rest of your belongings before they disappear into thin air. If you had a friend nearby the time you died, you could get them to “bless your grave”, which gave you more time to run back to your grave. If you don’t make it back in time? Well, there go your belongings, and you have to start all over again.

If this article has enticed you to re-join the game, please send me a message and add me as a friend so we can get lost in the Wilderness together. Don’t worry. I won’t savagely attack you…

– by The Black Widow

Bad Days: Good Moments

Fellow SolSat readers, I have just had one of those days. The kind of day when you’re late for work, and your Ipod runs of battery. Everyone seems to be out in the sunshine loving life and you’re stuck in the cold forgetting what made you upset in the first place. The little bullshit things have a habit of building up during the day and making you wish you had an emergency stash of energy and happiness somewhere in your body. I thought, to counteract the silly shitty things that happen, maybe I’ll make a list of the tiny good things, the things that sometimes have the ability to make your day the best in your life so far. So I did this, and I was surprised to see my mood elevating even at the mere thought of these things. Here is my list of my personal favourite little feelings, and if you’re someone prone to letting the little bad things effect you I’d suggest making your own.

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(All gifs by Pusheen Corp.)

Washing your face: At the start of the day, after you’ve slept on your face all night and built up sleep in your eyes, nothing beats clearing it all away. It’s especially nice if you have a wash with those micro-massaging beads, and it’s a bonus if it smells like honey or vanilla or any other heavenly scent.

Every sip of coffee: It doesn’t matter if it’s strong and black or milky with five sugars; you have it the way you want it, and the way you want it is delicious. Especially on icy mornings, when you can’t find your slippers and your feet have to brave the cold tiles of your floor. It’s okay. Coffee is your buddy, it’ll warm you up from head to toe. tumblr_m0afdxYVEw1qhy6c9o2_250

The best part of a song: Generally any song you enjoy listening to will lift your spirits, but I find the most satisfying listen to be with so-so songs. Songs that you’re only listening to for that one part in the middle or towards the end; a breakdown, a guitar solo, a shift in key. Maybe you listen to the entire song, you wade through the average parts all the way to your favourite bit; and the pay-off is oh-so-sweet.

An I love you: You could go through a lot of these in a day. Most of the time it’s uttered as a habit when you’re saying goodbye or writing it at the end of a birthday card. But the spontaneous and meaningful ones can make a day. When someone looks into your eyes and says it, with no infliction, and not even needing you to say it back. Or when your mum calls and she says it, but she draws it out, and you find that if you don’t hang up straight away neither will she. tumblr_lkv2y2zagH1qhy6c9o1_400

Making something well: A dish you make might be good, it’s good that you even know how to make it, but sometimes it is magical. You take the first bite and finally think: yes, this is it, I have perfected this. I get the same relief when writing, after working on a piece for months and suddenly realising that in your fourteenth draft you can’t find any errors. It’s finally ready. That is one moment I wish there were more of. 200-1

Money in hand: That feeling at the end of the work week when your boss drops some fresh cash into your palm. After you’ve soldiered on, gotten up early, turned up on time every day and tried your damned hardest all week. Slacking off at work will never bring the same triumphant feeling. It’s great when your hard labour is rewarded.

These are just a few that I try to think of when I’m down. Not all of them are achievable at any given moment, but just knowing that it could happen sometime in the future is such a sweet thought.

(For more Pusheen: http://pusheen.com)

− by Josefina Huq

Unthoughtful Gifts for Christmas

It’s real simple, when you’re so close to someone that you decide to buy them a Christmas present, don’t half-ass it. This is a little list of what you shouldn’t get people if you actually give a hoot about them. By all means, if you hate them, use this as a shopping guide, or just buy whatever cheap crap Kmart has on its first display shelves.

Socks

And they're always the daggy, long, white type.

And they’re always the daggy, long, white type.

How cute, little Johnny got his dad some snuggly socks for his cold Christmas feet, dad must be so touched by his generous offering. No Johnny, he’s not. Your dad hates you, and I hate you. Every time he puts on those socks he’s going to think of what an awful child you are. Anything, absolutely anything would be better than socks. What’s that Johnny? You drew a cute picture of yourself and dad? Good, frame that shit and give it to daddy, and next time you think of buying socks make sure that they’re for your feet only.

Exception: Buying this gift as a joke for a friend with no feet.

Soap

Wow! With all this soap I won't be so smelly anymore!

Wow! With all this soap I won’t be so smelly anymore!

It doesn’t matter what shape it comes in: bird, fish, tiny love hearts – it’s all shit. Keep in mind that people are typically very good with their hygiene, and they will use their own preferred brands rather than the two dollar, coffee-scented, cat-shaped soap you thought really reflected this person’s interests. Guess what – Personal hygiene is everyones interest, or at least it should be.

Exception: Buying this gift for a smelly, inanimate object.

Candles

Mmm.. Smells like Coles brand.

Mmm.. Smells like Coles brand.

Now this one is a bit tricky because a genuinely good candle will be used and will last long, and picking a scent that is personalised to your loved one is a nice touch. A general rule would be, if you’re getting someone candles (which is a pretty lazy present, but I’ll forgive you), get it from a boutique candle store. Make sure it’s a good brand, because much like soap, if you get it from any dollars and cents store in one of those value bundle gift packs, this person will regift it and give it back to you next year, you heartless monster.

Exception: Buying this present for a person with a phobia of running out of candles.

Self-help Books

Thanks, but I like my reasonably terrible life the way it is.

Thanks, but I like my reasonably terrible life the way it is.

It seems dumb, but I really do have to spell this one out: If you get this for someone their going to think that you assume they need some sort of help in their tragic life. This gift isn’t so much unthoughtful but just downright rude. Maybe if someone has expressed an interest in starting a hobby or learning more about x, then you can get them a book about x. When it’s something like Understanding Men, or Microwave Dinners for One, then it’s very unlikely you’ll be getting a present back.

Exception: If this gift is for yourself and it’s titled: How to not be a dick on Christmas.

Beauty Bundles

Such beauty... so cheap.

Such beauty… so cheap.

Geez, if you’re getting into this territory you’ve just given up. We all know that these packages of makeup or nail polish are the first things we come into contact with while Christmas shopping. They’re obviously cheap, impersonal and surprisingly rubbish – The nail polish comes off within an hour and the makeup is the consistency of chalk. Shame on you if you’ve ever purchased this for a loved-one you genuinely love.

Exception: Buying this gift for any child under the age of eight with a strong passion for budget beauty.

Anything Christmas-themed

No no no!

No no no!

Christmas is for one day – one day out of three hundred and sixty five. This gift will be useful for maybe the week surrounding Christmas, but after that it will be considered pointless. It’s especially bad if you get it on Christmas day or later, because it’s something you won’t get to/have to use until another year has gone by, and by that time you would have thrown it out anyway. For the love of Santa, don’t get anyone a Santa.

Exception: If you’re an elf who gets paid in Christmas ornaments.

Perfume / Aftershave

*Heavy coughing and spluttering*

*Heavy coughing and spluttering*

It doesn’t matter if you get the cheap shit from the chemist or the classy celebrity-labelled brands from David Jones – in the end it’s just cliché smelly stuff, and I don’t even know how that became a go-to gift. A perfume or aftershave is so personal, and people are very picky when it comes to their scent. You will either receive the brand you’ve always worn, which just means this person has been in your bathroom (not that they know you well), or you’ll get one that has about an eighty percent chance of making you ill. It seems nice, maybe because it’s a top-notch brand and this person has spent a butt-load of money on it, but the amount of dollars spent doesn’t make it a good and thoughtful present.

Exception: Buying this gift for someone who only has the sense of smell.

I’m not going to say this is the absolute definitive list, Even on top of the exceptions I’ve thought of there are many more. I just think more people should know that it’s really evident when no thought has been put into a present, and it causes awkward and unpleasant feelings in a relationship. It’s not always the case, but its possible that if you get someone an amazing and thoughtful present they will return the favour.

by Josefina Huq