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The Housewives of Miami: Ranked

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Come feel the rush.

I actually finished this series a while ago, but let’s pretend that this is fresh in my memory and I only completed it like five minutes ago.

My fellow Bravo historians and connoisseurs alike, I invite you to come feel the rush with me as I rank the Real Housewives of Miami. This franchise is interesting considering there was an eight year gap between season three and season four, and just for the record, I am so glad this show came back. The Bravo hill that I will die on is that season two of RHOM is one of the best Housewives seasons ever, of any franchise.


Bras and brawls aside, here are my definitive rankings of the Miami housewives.

13. Larsa Pippen
Larsa is definitely on my top 5 most hated housewives of all the cities, so finds herself at rock bottom of this list. I don’t think there is anything genuine about Larsa at all. Everything about her screams pretentious, and I’m not about it. This is in no way shaming her body or “alleged” surgeries, because I don’t think anyone should be shamed for wanting to get a procedure done to make them feel better about themselves; it’s more to do with the fact that she as a whole person, to me, is fake.

12. Adriana de Moura
I struggle to understand why so many other people like Adriana when she’s an absolute mess. She starts drama for literally no reason and is always the one to take it too far, yet people praise her for it. I believe underneath the forced drama queen that we see on TV there is a decent human being underneath it all, but I don’t have the patience to find out.

11. Marysol Patton
I swear to god, if I see this bitch and her bedazzled tumbler one more time, I will lose my mind. Marysol’s storyline for the early seasons was leeching off her iconic mother, and her storyline for season four was leeching off Alexia. Regarding Marysol herself, however, there is nothing interesting about her at all. She’s just Alexia’s sidekick. Wow when did my blurbs about housewives become so harsh?

10. Ana Quincoces
Speaking of boring. I honestly don’t understand what Ana’s contribution to season two was besides telling everyone that Karent’s man was sliding into her DMs. If you took Ana out of season two, the entire season would’ve been the exact same. Thank u, next.

9. Cristy Rice
There’s always one housewife in each city that I would love to see more of, but they only last one season and never appear again. Cristy is Miami’s version of this. I thought Cristy had the potential to be the fun, messy housewife that naturally attracted drama, but before you knew it, she was gone.

8. Lea Black
To put it shortly, Lea Black was the LVP of Miami. She was rich honey, and she knew how to be a sniper from the sidelines. But she wasn’t scared to get involved in the drama either. Her annual Black Galas always provided good entertainment, and I’m sure season four would’ve been that touch better had the gala been included. 

7. Lisa Hochstein
Despite all the glitz and glam that Lisa has, there is some endearing down to earth quality about her that I love. Even though she married into wealth and is rich af with all of her Birkin bags, I found her to be quite relatable. Her recent antics on Twitter, however, keep her from going any higher on this list.

6. Julia Lemigova
Julia played her role of the peacekeeper and the one that everyone generally liked pretty well on season four, even if she randomly decided to put Larsa on blast at the table for no reason. Her claiming her hangover to be an illness was pretty hilarious, but what puts her high on this list really is the battles she’s faced in her personal life and how stronger she has come out on the other side. Also I will always back the first housewife to be in a same sex marriage on any Housewives show.

5. Karent Sierra
Ghost producing legend Karent Sierra comes in at number five with pride. Every franchise needs that bone collecting housewife to keep the drama going, and Karent did that so well that she almost might be better than Sheree at it. So much drama revolved around Karent, who quite frankly wasn’t even doing anything wrong, that you couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. In saying that, the whole bras and brawls drama, we can all thank Karent for that.

4. Guerdy Abraira
Guerdy is probably the perfect example of a perfect housewife for this show. She excels in her career and is her own independent woman, has a handsome husband and beautiful kids, and has style like no other. Everything about her is just so darn likeable. I can’t wait to see more of this Haitian Queen in new seasons.

3. Alexia Echevarria
My favourite OG by far, Alexia serves personal drama like no other housewife can. Her life is just so genuinely interesting that she doesn’t really need to engage in the group drama dynamic in order to be worthy for the show. Beautiful, stylish, and a champion mother, Alexia is definitely the Queen Bee of RHOM.

2. Nicole Martin
Nicole started off season four as “that boring housewife” as I felt her contributions to the show were small. Until Marysol tried coming for her and she dragged her for filth. That fire Nicole showed was automatically my favourite thing of the entire season. Nicole serves shade, drama, rich bitch energy, and is not scared of a fight, and we stan her for that.

1. Joanna Krupa
She said skinny legend, and that skinny legend is Polish supermodel Joanna Krupa. Never have I seen such messy queen energy before unlike the dynamic performance Joanna served, especially during the bras and brawls fight. Joanna was definitely top-tier housewife material, and it’s a shame we only got to see her antics for two seasons. Joanna carried season two and three and for that is my MVP of RHOM.

Rumours are swirling that season five of RHOM is currently filming, and I truly hope it is because this is the franchise that is serving on the down low, and we need more of it pronto!

– by The Black Widow

Top 14 Resident Evil Characters

Posted in Entertainment, Video Games by

Spoiler alert: Steve is not one of them.

It was the franchise that completely defined the survival horror genre, and it also turned out to be one of my favourite all time video game franchises ever.

My first introduction to Resident Evil – seeing as I went for Nintendo 64 over the PS1 – was Resident Evil 2 (in my opinion the best game of the series, but that’s for another listicle). I was amazed at the incredible storytelling, jump scares, well-defined characters, and entertaining gameplay. I’m a fan of tank controls. Don’t @ me.

We all know how much I love Chris Redfield, but how high is he up on this list of legends? (PHOTO CREDIT: Colony of Gamers Flickr photostream)

Over the years, Resident Evil has been pumping out more and more survival horror, including the iconic Outbreak series, and remakes of older games to give the newer generation a taste of what we had back in the day. During these years, we’ve been introduced to several characters of the franchise, from the dashing hunk Chris Redfield, to the friendly waitress Cindy Lennox.

We’ve been spoiled for choice of characters, and today I’m going to list my top 14 favourite characters from the Resident Evil franchise.

14. Alyssa Ashcroft
Getting started with an underappreciated character of the franchise, Alyssa Ashcroft was the determined reported from the Outbreak series, and my second go-to character in these games. Described as a no-nonsense journalist armed with a red power suit, Alyssa has quite an interesting backstory (only discovered if you play as her in the Flashback scenario in Outbreak File #2) and also has a pot shot skill which is extremely useful.

13. Ada Wong
Someone I’m sure people would expect to be higher up on this list, let me just say that while I think Ada is a badass, I just don’t think she’s that interesting. Her zero personality suits her assassin character, and I love how she’s always zipping about with her grapple gun in heels, but that’s all she offers to me really. One could say, however, that she invented #WasteHisTime because of how long she’s been stringing on poor Leon.

12. Becca Woolett
Just like Alyssa, I appreciate when a female character is given a skill that compliments a good attack plan; female characters are always given support roles in survival horror/action games like these, so it’s a good change. Becca is by far the best with guns in Resident Evil: Resistance which is made all the more better by her cute Southern demeanour and Daisy Duke outfit. She shows that you can be a sexy sassy Southern belle and still pop some zombie brains off.

11. Barry Burton
Mostly because he’s a daddy. Barry Burton is the protective father figure of the series that provides you with a sense of comfort, either as Jill Valentine in Resident Evil, or as Natalia Korda in Resident Evil: Revelations 2. His undying loyalty to the people he holds as family is the most endearing quality a character in a survival horror franchise could have, and we love him for it.

10. Cindy Lennox
My go to character in the Outbreak series, Cindy Lennox is the sweetheart girl-next-door character trope of the eight playable characters in the games. Starting off as a beautiful waitress at Jack’s Bar, she ends up playing a pivotal role in the team as she has a background in first aid; in particular, the mixing of herbs (no she’s not a weed dealer). While Alyssa had a more active role in the team, Cindy’s passive support role isn’t to be overlooked, and that along with the fact that she’s more liked by the other NPC characters, makes her a valuable character to play with.

9. Sheva Alomar
I was excited to see RE’s first black protagonist in the form of Sheva Alomar, and I was not disappointed. Again, one of the action/horror video game tropes is to have the playable female character be weaker than her male counterpart and be more of a support role. However, Sheva was every part an equal to Chris, and was a female lead that girls and guys can definitely look up to. I would definitely love to see more Sheva in RE’s future because one game was not enough.

8. Billy Coen
If you have a thing for bad boys (lol me) then you would like Billy Coen. A wrongfully convicted felon on the run, Billy meets up with Rebecca Chambers and they work together to get through the horrors of Resident Evil Zero. I’m known to heavily prefer playing as the female character when given the option, but I ended up preferring to stick with Billy in this game. He was so cool, calm and collected, even when the world around him was falling to pieces. Plus, again… he’s a bad boy.

7. Jill Valentine
I’m sure Jill being at number seven may shock people, but hear me out. Like I said before, my introduction to RE was RE2, so my first character choice in badass females was Claire Redfield. If I were to discover RE1 or RE3 first, then I think Jill would be higher on the list. Jill was the very first female badass in this series, serving as the primary character in both of the aforementioned games. Jill is loyal, intelligent, and a mf go-getter. I mean, she took out Nemesis all by herself!

6. Leon Kennedy
Another name that people are probably expecting to be higher on the list is Leon S. Kennedy. I could probably attribute to this to my preference of Claire as well. In the original RE2, Leon seemed a bit dopey and naive; but from RE4 onwards, Leon had developed a more mysterious vibe that, while he has good and pure intentions, you still question whether he’s really that wholesome. And as mentioned before, we love a bad boy. Leon just has terrible taste in women. If she keeps zipping away from you, she’s not interested bro. Speaking of Leon and women, actually…

5. Ashley Graham
Definitely a name that people won’t expect to be on this list at all. What I loved about Ashley – besides the ‘Nikki loves hot blondes’ trope – is the fact that she’s realistic. Realistically if I was thrown into a zombie-filled city, I won’t be able to pick up a grenade launcher and gun down William Birkin like I was spending money at Gucci. Realistically, I couldn’t jump across buildings in a tube top and a skirt while also fending off Nemesis. I’m not equipped for that, and Ashley was portrayed as someone who was clearly not equipped for the horror that was presented to her. (Granted, I’d be able to do more than throw a lamp.) Plus, how iconic is her green plaid skirt and orange turtleneck outfit.

4. Carlos Oliveira
My love for Carlos really exploded with the RE3 remake. Let’s face it: in the original RE3, Carlos was sort of a forgotten character. He served his purpose and filled his role well as the loyal soldier who suddenly has to question everything they’ve been taught, but he was pleasant. And a pleasant soldier isn’t anything remarkable. In the remake, however, he was given a rugged new look with the most wonderful mop of hair I’ve ever seen, and his rough-tough exterior complimented his altered personality well. And good lord do I want Carlos to save me from a raging tyrant now.

3. Claire Redfield
My first introduction to the RE series came in Claire Redfield and her pink denim vest and shorts combo. In my opinion, Claire was dealt the roughest hand of all the major characters in the RE series: not only was she thrown into the dark with no real combat training, but she was also given the task to care for Sherry in RE2 and then Moira in Resident Evil: Revelations 2. To take care of yourself in an environment like this is hard enough, but to be entrusted with someone else’s child is another story, and Claire managed to do it twice while looking fierce AF. Claire is the cool biker chick we all wish we knew. RIP Elza Walker.

2. Chris Redfield
Would’ve easily been number one had it not been for one minor character, Chris is the poster boy for RE and it’s very easy to see why. The first male protagonist of the series, and the main character featured in most of the RE games, Chris is everything you would want in a survival horror game. He’s tough, he’s protective, he’s vigilant, and good lord is he hot. I mean, physically conditioned for the role. He’s likeable but not too unrealistic in his action-packed role, he’s the guy you would want on your team if you were thrown into a zombie-filled city. Plus I will punch on with anyone who criticises his RE5 re-design, because let me tell you right now that I’d much prefer to be protected by the boulder punching Chris than the awkward soldier boy haircut Chris.

1. Jessica Sherawat
This’ll shock everyone unless you really know me. Jessica Sherawat is everything that I am or want to be. She’s beautiful; she’s sassy; she’s stylish; and she’ll kick your ass in a one-legged wetsuit and heels. The fact that Jessica can go on a top class mission and still find time to flirt with her partner, wear phenomenal outfits, and mention her sweet ass really makes her the Diva of all Divas tbh. I would die for this Queen, and I’m anxiously awaiting for her return to RE gaming. Granted, she shouldn’t have betrayed the BSAA, but we all have faults. Come on guys.

Now I’m just picturing a new RE game where the main character is Jessica who tries to redeem herself with the good guys by embarking on some stylish adventure into zombie world. Yaaaasss bitch. Come through with the goods Capcom!

– by The Black Widow

Ten Things The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Taught Me

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You guessed it. Another article about the icons of RHOBH.

In its simplest form, RHOBH is a spin off of the popular Real Housewives franchise, showcasing the dramatic lives of glamorous women with more money than they know what to do with.

But underneath the ‘trashy reality’ exterior it has, this iconic show has some important life lessons for all kinds of people. From not being afraid to speak your mind, to ensuring you dress to the nines for a pyjama breakfast together, the ladies of Beverly Hills are full of knowledge and wisdom, and I am going to pass these nuggets of gold down to you. You’re welcome.

They probably don’t look impressed because someone didn’t listen to number nine. (Photo taken from Greg Palmer’s Flickr photostream)

1. Pat the puss
Self explanatory really. Thank you Erika Jayne.

2. Never put your handbag on the floor
This is a superstition I have never heard of before watching this show. The belief is that putting your bag on the floor indicates losing money as it goes right out the door. Now, you will never see me put my Coach on the floor, whether it’s near impossible to hang it up somewhere or not.

3. No matter how insignificant the problem may seem to you, bring it up
One thing that I’m trying to become better at as a human is validating my emotions and feelings; I’m allowed to feel however I naturally feel about a situation. And one of the things that the Housewives of Beverly Hills do well – whether if it’s scripted or otherwise induced – is bringing up their issues to the person who caused it. Whether it’s Joyce telling racist Brandi to stop calling her Jacqueline, or Queen Eileen telling LVP she didn’t appreciate her ‘affair’ being brought up at the dinner table, they’ve taught us that the most foolish words are the ones that are unsaid.

4. You can never spend too much on a bag
Designer fashion isn’t for everyone. However, designer fashion is definitely for me. And whether you’re a Kyle who would spend thousands on a bag just to flaunt it at brunch, or you’re an Eileen who has a more conservatively priced bag that would potentially draw the ire of Kathryn Edwards, it’s an unspoken rule among the ladies that there is no such thing as spending too much money on a bag.

5. There’s no such thing as ‘too dressed up’ for an occasion
Poor Denise was dragged way out of her comfort zone when she joined RHOBH, because you can only ever be underdressed when attending a function in Beverly Hills (even though she is Denise fucking Richards). Wearing designer fashion and heels to something as simple as a brunch or a protest march is a must, and let’s not forget it. And don’t let some hatin’ ass bitch judge you for wearing glam to a wellness retreat either.

6. Don’t accuse someone of having pretend amnesia
Yeah, Teddi.

7. Always bring a gift to someone’s house for any event
When a friend has invited you over to their home for an event, whether it’s a housewarming or a simple lunch, bring something as a gift. The ladies of RHOBH always take a gift to someone’s house, no matter how small the occasion may be. And for the extra lolz, if you don’t know what to take, take a box of Cadbury’s Favourites.

8. Avoid the ‘M’ word
An entire season was based around Lisa Rinna dropping the ‘M’ word. Do yourself a favour and don’t say it.

9. Don’t bring up dirty laundry at the dinner table
While it’s a recurring theme that all of the best arguments on RHOBH happen at the damn dinner table, one of the best lessons I’ve taken from the latest season was from sweet little Sutton, who kindly advised Teddi Mellentrampcamp to not bring up Denise’s business at the dinner table. And how right you are, Sutton Stracke.

10. Don’t invite a psychic to dinner
For the love of all that is holy, don’t do it. Don’t do it to yourself. The Dinner Party from Hell is called the Dinner Party from Hell for a reason.

Also, in relation to number 10… Allison Dubois, if you’re reading this – you’ve got mf issues hun.

– by The Black Widow

The Definitive Ranking of the Avengers

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“Avengers: Assemble!”

The Marvel Avengers video game has dropped recently and it has sparked a passionate reaction from fans; whether it was positive or negative, fans had a lot to say about the game that has been keeping people talking for years!

Captain America may be standing at the front, but is he the top Avenger?

After playing through the exceptional campaign, plus clocking up hours and hours of gameplay through the multiplayer war table, I can safely say that I’ve experienced a fair amount of gameplay as each character thus far (even if I have my favourites).

There has been a lot of debate over who is the most useful character of the six Avengers available for use, so here are my rankings for the best Avengers to use when battling A.I.M and Monica Rappacini’s skank face.

#6
Iron Man

One of the more disappointing things about this game is playing as Iron Man. I was looking forward to it: he’s got cool gadgets, he’s funny, he can fly and shoot funky missiles and lasers, and he’s voiced by Nolan North for crying out loud. Except the flying mechanics are what drops Mr. Stark to the bottom of the list. The flying mechanism in the game is flawed, and when you want to sprint as Iron Man, instead of just running fast, he slowly glides. While his projectile attacks are efficient, his melee combat is weak compared to his teammates, and that is something I can’t forgive.

#5
Ms. Marvel

While being cute and relatable to most of the video gamers out there, Ms. Marvel’s super flexibility make her quite hard to control when battling robots. Her projectile attack of stretching out her arm in a punch isn’t the most reliable form of offence either; although I will say her Embiggen ability is probably one of the best abilities in the game.

#4
Captain America

The appointed leader of the Avengers should be higher on the list if you really think about it, but his slightly-above-average fighting style cripple his ability to be in the top three. His best feature is his shield (to the surprise of none) which means his defence is easily the best of the team. However, with a strong defence comes a fairly weak offence, and besides his ability to throw his shield to ricochet between countless amounts of robots, his attacks leave a little to be desired. Cap is also the hardest to carefully ease around the map as he can’t fly (a la Thor and Iron Man), can’t grapple onto higher ledges (a la Black Widow and Ms. Marvel) and isn’t a giant green gamma monster capable of jumping easil to high places (a la Hulk… were you expecting someone else?)

#3
Hulk

Someone who I wasn’t expecting to enjoy playing as but ended up really loving was Hulk. His brute strength coupled up with his love to “smash” *sexual pun not intended* makes him super fun to play as, especially when you grab someone and either start slamming them onto the floor, or even use them as a weapon as you swing them into other enemies. I also enjoyed that he wasn’t made OP like he probably is considered by the comics standard. His major downfall is his projectile attacking (throwing boulders) and his relatively tame special abilities.

#2
Thor

While Iron Man’s flying ability was whack, Thor was much easier to control since he didn’t slowly glide when put into sprint mode. His melee ability is very strong with or without Mjolnir, and his ability to use Mjolnir in his projectile attack, but then to pin that enemy to the wall while you beat the tar out of them with your fists is iconic. His special abilities compliment the team and his strengths well, even though I still don’t quite get how effective his Bitfrost ability is… maybe I’m not using it properly.

#1
Black Widow

Admittedly, there is slight bias here because Natasha is my favourite Avenger, but the Black Widow trumps the rest of the Avengers in terms of overall ability. She is super quick to speed around the map and use her Widow’s Line grapple to zip around high places easily and also zoom into battle by latching onto an enemy; her melee ability is top notch with her quick and effective strikes and Widow’s Bite; her projectile attacks with three different types of guns are also super effective when you know how to use them properly; and her invisibility team effect is probably the best passive ability of the bunch. Her gameplay style isn’t hard to wrap your head around if you’re a casual gamer, and once you’ve mastered the Widow, you can conquer the world.

There you have it. The only one without any special powers or enhanced abilities is the best one of the group. Don’t blame me – I didn’t make the rules.

– by The Black Widow