The Housewives of Miami: Ranked

Come feel the rush.

I actually finished this series a while ago, but let’s pretend that this is fresh in my memory and I only completed it like five minutes ago.

My fellow Bravo historians and connoisseurs alike, I invite you to come feel the rush with me as I rank the Real Housewives of Miami. This franchise is interesting considering there was an eight year gap between season three and season four, and just for the record, I am so glad this show came back. The Bravo hill that I will die on is that season two of RHOM is one of the best Housewives seasons ever, of any franchise.

Bras and brawls aside, here are my definitive rankings of the Miami housewives.

13. Larsa Pippen
Larsa is definitely on my top 5 most hated housewives of all the cities, so finds herself at rock bottom of this list. I don’t think there is anything genuine about Larsa at all. Everything about her screams pretentious, and I’m not about it. This is in no way shaming her body or “alleged” surgeries, because I don’t think anyone should be shamed for wanting to get a procedure done to make them feel better about themselves; it’s more to do with the fact that she as a whole person, to me, is fake.

12. Adriana de Moura
I struggle to understand why so many other people like Adriana when she’s an absolute mess. She starts drama for literally no reason and is always the one to take it too far, yet people praise her for it. I believe underneath the forced drama queen that we see on TV there is a decent human being underneath it all, but I don’t have the patience to find out.

11. Marysol Patton
I swear to god, if I see this bitch and her bedazzled tumbler one more time, I will lose my mind. Marysol’s storyline for the early seasons was leeching off her iconic mother, and her storyline for season four was leeching off Alexia. Regarding Marysol herself, however, there is nothing interesting about her at all. She’s just Alexia’s sidekick. Wow when did my blurbs about housewives become so harsh?

10. Ana Quincoces
Speaking of boring. I honestly don’t understand what Ana’s contribution to season two was besides telling everyone that Karent’s man was sliding into her DMs. If you took Ana out of season two, the entire season would’ve been the exact same. Thank u, next.

9. Cristy Rice
There’s always one housewife in each city that I would love to see more of, but they only last one season and never appear again. Cristy is Miami’s version of this. I thought Cristy had the potential to be the fun, messy housewife that naturally attracted drama, but before you knew it, she was gone.

8. Lea Black
To put it shortly, Lea Black was the LVP of Miami. She was rich honey, and she knew how to be a sniper from the sidelines. But she wasn’t scared to get involved in the drama either. Her annual Black Galas always provided good entertainment, and I’m sure season four would’ve been that touch better had the gala been included. 

7. Lisa Hochstein
Despite all the glitz and glam that Lisa has, there is some endearing down to earth quality about her that I love. Even though she married into wealth and is rich af with all of her Birkin bags, I found her to be quite relatable. Her recent antics on Twitter, however, keep her from going any higher on this list.

6. Julia Lemigova
Julia played her role of the peacekeeper and the one that everyone generally liked pretty well on season four, even if she randomly decided to put Larsa on blast at the table for no reason. Her claiming her hangover to be an illness was pretty hilarious, but what puts her high on this list really is the battles she’s faced in her personal life and how stronger she has come out on the other side. Also I will always back the first housewife to be in a same sex marriage on any Housewives show.

5. Karent Sierra
Ghost producing legend Karent Sierra comes in at number five with pride. Every franchise needs that bone collecting housewife to keep the drama going, and Karent did that so well that she almost might be better than Sheree at it. So much drama revolved around Karent, who quite frankly wasn’t even doing anything wrong, that you couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. In saying that, the whole bras and brawls drama, we can all thank Karent for that.

4. Guerdy Abraira
Guerdy is probably the perfect example of a perfect housewife for this show. She excels in her career and is her own independent woman, has a handsome husband and beautiful kids, and has style like no other. Everything about her is just so darn likeable. I can’t wait to see more of this Haitian Queen in new seasons.

3. Alexia Echevarria
My favourite OG by far, Alexia serves personal drama like no other housewife can. Her life is just so genuinely interesting that she doesn’t really need to engage in the group drama dynamic in order to be worthy for the show. Beautiful, stylish, and a champion mother, Alexia is definitely the Queen Bee of RHOM.

2. Nicole Martin
Nicole started off season four as “that boring housewife” as I felt her contributions to the show were small. Until Marysol tried coming for her and she dragged her for filth. That fire Nicole showed was automatically my favourite thing of the entire season. Nicole serves shade, drama, rich bitch energy, and is not scared of a fight, and we stan her for that.

1. Joanna Krupa
She said skinny legend, and that skinny legend is Polish supermodel Joanna Krupa. Never have I seen such messy queen energy before unlike the dynamic performance Joanna served, especially during the bras and brawls fight. Joanna was definitely top-tier housewife material, and it’s a shame we only got to see her antics for two seasons. Joanna carried season two and three and for that is my MVP of RHOM.

Rumours are swirling that season five of RHOM is currently filming, and I truly hope it is because this is the franchise that is serving on the down low, and we need more of it pronto!

– by The Black Widow

5 Worst Dressed Female Video Game Characters

Before I start my list, I’d just like to write a little disclaimer of sorts: most, if not all of the choices listed in this countdown have been designed for one main purpose: sex appeal. I get that and acknowledge it, but there are ways a character can be dressed sexily and still look comfortable enough to stop a zombie outbreak or win a fighting tournament. Take Catwoman, for example, who manages to have only her face showing in her outfit but still look sexy.

Alas, here are the 5 Worst Dressed Female Video Game Characters… to date, at least.

5. Jill Valentine (Resident Evil 3)

Resident Evil's main heroine made a poor choice in wearing this ensemble.

Resident Evil’s main heroine made a poor choice in wearing this ensemble.

I have a strange habit of planning my day-to-day outfits based on zombie apocalypses; I literally stop and think “Hey, if an outbreak were to occur while I am wearing this outfit, would I be comfortable enough to run around in it for the rest of my life?” Of course I want to look good as well, so as comfortable as a pair of trackies and uggies seem, I’d rather not wear that during an outbreak.

In saying that, the last thing I would want to be wearing is a short pencil skirt that seems to be made of denim and a sweater permanently tied around my waist. This outfit could possibly be the most impractical zombie killing outfit ever assembled with the only saving light being those sick brown combat boots that I admittedly want. There would be no bigger pain than running away from a pack of zombies and jumping over a fence all the while trying to protect your modesty by covering your lady bits that may or may not be exposed because you are wearing a ridiculous short pencil skirt.

Fortunately for Jill, she wisened up and wore a Catwoman-esque purple battlesuit in Resident Evil 5 with a new hairdo, no less.

4. Christie (Dead or Alive 4)

Seems legit... right?

Seems legit… right?

While Jill has to constantly conceal her modesty in her short skirt, she at least had underwear on underneath (or so you would assume) while Christie just decided to wear nothing underneath her open jacket. Even though Dead or Alive isn’t exactly known for its female modesty, you’d think that designing an outfit for a female game character that only had an open jacket covering her upper body would be silly, right?

Realistically, if a woman decided to wear an open jacket with no form of undergarment, one slight breeze and your chest would be revealed for everyone, so I wonder what went through the game designers mind when they thought that this was appropriate? It wouldn’t have been hard to give her a little lacy bra that would still have had the same sex-vamp effect. Either way, this questionable outfit makes Jill’s skirt-and-sweater combo look like a professional battle suit.

3. Mai Shiranui (Fatal Fury and King of Fighter series)

I can't even begin to explain what this outfit technically is.

I can’t even begin to explain what this outfit technically is.

Video game reviewers and enthusiasts alike have noted that Fatal Fury became interesting when Mai Shiranui was included, and I agree with them on the basis that a female fighter was refreshing much like the inclusion of Chun Li in Street Fighter and Sonya Blade in Mortal Kombat. The male majority of those who sung praise for the character, however, mainly liked one thing: her (lack of) costume… and maybe the fact that her character animation included a boob jiggle.

Let’s be frank: when you have boobs that big, two thin straps of red are probably not going to keep your bosoms neatly tucked in during a fight. I would even go so far as to say that there is far more material that forms that white tail thing she has got going on than she has covering her actual body.

Not only does she have to contest with the fact that her outfit leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination, but she has to lag around a white tail which could’ve been used for, I don’t know, an actual top.

2. Ivy Valentine (Soulcalibur Series)

Yep. That happened.

Yep. That happened.

Ivy is my first-choice character in the Soulcalibur series, what with her pirate background, icy demeanour and wicked “snake sword” which is basically a sword and a whip at the same time. What I wasn’t too fond of about the character was the fact that her outfit is just a bunch of purple straps criss crossing all over the place so that all her bits are “technically” covered.

What I find even funnier about this choice outfit is the fact that her accessories cover more than her actual outfit: it’s as if the designers were like “Hey, let’s balance out this skanky outfit by making her wear thigh-high boots and a big metal arm so there’s not too much going on there”. Surely if someone has time time to put on those mega boots and a metal arm, they’d have time to put on a decent top as opposed to a piece of purple dental floss that is only barely covering the nipples.

1. Mileena (Mortal Kombat 9)

You probably wouldn't have noticed her Tarkatan features because you're too busy staring in awe.

You probably wouldn’t have noticed her Tarkatan features because you’re too busy staring in awe.

The deadly Kitana-clone Mileena hasn’t exactly been known for her modest outfits but at least her previous choices have had some sort of practicality to them. I wouldn’t even classify this as an outfit or a costume or anything to do with clothing because this is, plain and simple, bandages strategically placed so that nothing is technically showing.

The Challenge Tower in Mortal Kombat 9 is an interesting feature that brings you challenge after challenge after challenge. What do you win when you complete the Challenge Tower? Mileena in bandages!

I can’t even begin to explain what is wrong with this. It just isn’t scientifically impossible for bandages to stay that still in battle let alone if you’re falling through the floor just to appear in the sky to kick the other person in the head. There is absolutely no practicality in this “design” so it’s anvil-sky obvious why this “design” was created in the first place.

Maybe these designers need to take a page out of (my personal favourite) Miss Harley Quinn’s book, who not only manages to look sexy and have a completely unique look but also manages to be practical in the sense that running around with only a strap holding you in is probably not the wisest idea. This representation of females in video games, especially those of the action variety, will probably never cease, but they could at least come up with better ideas for costumes because this is just atrocious.

– by The Black Widow