The Definitive Ranking of the Avengers

“Avengers: Assemble!”

The Marvel Avengers video game has dropped recently and it has sparked a passionate reaction from fans; whether it was positive or negative, fans had a lot to say about the game that has been keeping people talking for years!

Captain America may be standing at the front, but is he the top Avenger?

After playing through the exceptional campaign, plus clocking up hours and hours of gameplay through the multiplayer war table, I can safely say that I’ve experienced a fair amount of gameplay as each character thus far (even if I have my favourites).

There has been a lot of debate over who is the most useful character of the six Avengers available for use, so here are my rankings for the best Avengers to use when battling A.I.M and Monica Rappacini’s skank face.

#6
Iron Man

One of the more disappointing things about this game is playing as Iron Man. I was looking forward to it: he’s got cool gadgets, he’s funny, he can fly and shoot funky missiles and lasers, and he’s voiced by Nolan North for crying out loud. Except the flying mechanics are what drops Mr. Stark to the bottom of the list. The flying mechanism in the game is flawed, and when you want to sprint as Iron Man, instead of just running fast, he slowly glides. While his projectile attacks are efficient, his melee combat is weak compared to his teammates, and that is something I can’t forgive.

#5
Ms. Marvel

While being cute and relatable to most of the video gamers out there, Ms. Marvel’s super flexibility make her quite hard to control when battling robots. Her projectile attack of stretching out her arm in a punch isn’t the most reliable form of offence either; although I will say her Embiggen ability is probably one of the best abilities in the game.

#4
Captain America

The appointed leader of the Avengers should be higher on the list if you really think about it, but his slightly-above-average fighting style cripple his ability to be in the top three. His best feature is his shield (to the surprise of none) which means his defence is easily the best of the team. However, with a strong defence comes a fairly weak offence, and besides his ability to throw his shield to ricochet between countless amounts of robots, his attacks leave a little to be desired. Cap is also the hardest to carefully ease around the map as he can’t fly (a la Thor and Iron Man), can’t grapple onto higher ledges (a la Black Widow and Ms. Marvel) and isn’t a giant green gamma monster capable of jumping easil to high places (a la Hulk… were you expecting someone else?)

#3
Hulk

Someone who I wasn’t expecting to enjoy playing as but ended up really loving was Hulk. His brute strength coupled up with his love to “smash” *sexual pun not intended* makes him super fun to play as, especially when you grab someone and either start slamming them onto the floor, or even use them as a weapon as you swing them into other enemies. I also enjoyed that he wasn’t made OP like he probably is considered by the comics standard. His major downfall is his projectile attacking (throwing boulders) and his relatively tame special abilities.

#2
Thor

While Iron Man’s flying ability was whack, Thor was much easier to control since he didn’t slowly glide when put into sprint mode. His melee ability is very strong with or without Mjolnir, and his ability to use Mjolnir in his projectile attack, but then to pin that enemy to the wall while you beat the tar out of them with your fists is iconic. His special abilities compliment the team and his strengths well, even though I still don’t quite get how effective his Bitfrost ability is… maybe I’m not using it properly.

#1
Black Widow

Admittedly, there is slight bias here because Natasha is my favourite Avenger, but the Black Widow trumps the rest of the Avengers in terms of overall ability. She is super quick to speed around the map and use her Widow’s Line grapple to zip around high places easily and also zoom into battle by latching onto an enemy; her melee ability is top notch with her quick and effective strikes and Widow’s Bite; her projectile attacks with three different types of guns are also super effective when you know how to use them properly; and her invisibility team effect is probably the best passive ability of the bunch. Her gameplay style isn’t hard to wrap your head around if you’re a casual gamer, and once you’ve mastered the Widow, you can conquer the world.

There you have it. The only one without any special powers or enhanced abilities is the best one of the group. Don’t blame me – I didn’t make the rules.

– by The Black Widow

Video Game Clichés = ROFLMFAO

We’ve all seen them, whether we’re conscious of it or not.

For the intense or casual gamers alike, there are so many things in video games that happen so frequently that we’re not even aware of them happening. It’s almost hilarious how our mind doesn’t even register that these things that our minds are so oblivious to, realistically, are impossible.

What are these things I’m referring to?

I’m glad you asked.

Why you so cliche for, Leon?! (SOURCE: Screenshot from Resident Evil 4 game)

Why you so cliché for, Leon?! (SOURCE: Screenshot from Resident Evil 4 game)

Here are Solstice Satisfaction’s top video game clichés:

Health packs, which may also come in the form of food
Your character just got slashed by a sword about 20 times and is now on the brink of death. What do you do to fix this? You grab a conveniently located health pack that is glowing compared to the rest of the environment. I appreciate the thought put into these health packs, but I know that if I got punched in the face by Ronda Rousey, a simple white bag with a red cross on it is not going to help the situation at all. Or, if health packs aren’t your thing, let’s make a quick reference to Gauntlet Legends – which I would argue to be the most underrated game on the N64 platform – where, instead of health packs, they have pieces of meat scattered throughout the world. The best part? When your character eats that piece of meat lying on the dirt, he/she will say something like “Mmm! I like food!”

Double jumping… or pretty much just jumping in general
I don’t know about you, but I don’t do much jumping in my personal life. The only time I can think of when a jump is necessary in my life is when I need to get higher up on the pole I’m about to swing on. Other than that, if a certain area is too high for me, you can bet your bottom dollar I’m not going to jump around to get up to it. I’d find a ladder of some sort like a normal person. Some video games, however, stretch this idea by making it possible to jump… and then jump again from mid air. Just imagine if that were possible. Seriously. Imagine all these people jumping in mid air. It’d be hilarious.

Invisible walls, hopefully a thing of the past
For some reason, you want to read what’s on the back of that vending machine in the corner. You run to it. Hey! You can’t get any closer because there seems to be some impenetrable force blocking you. Congratulations! You have just run into an invisible wall! Seen less and less these days due to the ever increasing video games and open world RPGs, the invisible wall deserves its spot in video game history and not present. Speaking of walls…

Running a marathon, in the same spot, against a wall
I can’t even begin to describe just how funny this is. You’re running your character through the area and you’ve come up against a wall. You didn’t have enough time to turn the character around, so it’s simply just going to keep running against the wall, not actually moving and not actually blasting the wall like a normal person would. I tried running against a wall like this once as a child… it did not turn out okay.

Male protagonists, damsels in distress
I can’t even begin to count how many games I’ve played where you are forced to play a male character and along the way, there is some poor womanly soul who needs rescuing. I don’t know about you but this cliché is mega outdated. I mean, put this way; who would be the saviour and who would be the victim in the duo of Ronda Rousey and the bloke who plays Ron Weasley? Think about it. Girls kick ass too.

No sleep, no bladder, no worries!
Have you ever noticed how the character you are controlling never has to eat, use the toilet, sleep, or sit down? I mean, if you think about it, they’ve only been scouring the lands since about 40 hours of gameplay ago. Surely they’ve got the runs. Or an insane desire to down a Big Mac. But no. Video game characters aren’t really human after all.

Quick time events… but why?
Nothing is worse than watching a cutscene in the middle of a game you’re playing and then realising that it isn’t a cut scene and is in fact a quick time event but because you got too lazy, you ended up missing the quick time action and dying. Maybe that’s just me, but these quick time events – which are basically like interactive scenes and not actual gameplay – are so annoying that I’m sad to see Resident Evil 4 use them a lot. Such a brilliant game tainted with such stupid quick time events.

If you have any other hated clichés, let us know in the comments.

– by The Black Widow

This is a Man’s World

The video game world has seen their fair share of big, masculine XY heroes – Dante, Nathan Drake, Ryu – and that has been the status quo since video games were invented. Recently, however, the females are stepping up their game and a number of smart, sexy and strong women have emerged, telling their male counterparts that it’s their time. These femme fatales have been in a male dominated series and have broken out of their shells to tell the world “I am woman, hear me roar!”

Princess Peach
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A classic example of this is our good friend Super Mario. He has spent the majority of his life saving his lady friend Princess Peach from the evil-yet-adorable Bowser (who I am guessing just wants some TLC). Countless times, he has saved her Highness from many o’ bad predicaments. However, there was one time in a game only available on Nintendo DS, that Mario himself was kidnapped and the many toadstool heads turned in confusion – who is going to save the saviour? Princess Peach, of course! Introducing Super Princess Peach, the game where the roles are reversed and now it’s time for the blue-eyed blonde to carry her weight. Let’s not forget that she is good at nearly every sport possible (refer to every Mario sport game made).

Madison Paige
1122.dance
In what I believe could very well be the greatest video game ever made, Heavy Rain was filled with drama and action and more drama and more action and even the occasional nude scene. The main playable cast consisted of three men: a wayward father, a junky cop, a troubled detective – and this woman. Madison Paige, a photojournalist who was so enthralled by Ethan’s odd lifestyle that she just threw herself into this potentially life-ending situation. A tiny spoiler on my behalf if you haven’t already played through this amazing game, in my opinion, Madison is the most crucial character to keep alive for the grand finale. If you don’t know what I mean, play the game. You will be amazed. You go girl!

Mai Valentine
640px-Mai_Valentine
While not technically a video game, the Yu-Gi-Oh! series has had video games developed, therefore I feel justified in mentioning Miss Mai Valentine. With a punny name like that, you’d expect a harmless, romantic foil for the main hero. That is not the case. Mai Valentine is the very definition of femme fatale – she works alone, remains one of the top duelists in the anime world and she also likes to wear not much. She hasn’t made it to the top, yes, but she’s definitely hanging in there with the men in the duelling world. Props to you, girlfriend.

Sonya Blade
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We all know that Sonya was originally intended to be a male but at the last second, the video game designers decided to girlify the character up. Enter Sonya Blade, the badass army babe in search of a freaky half-cyborg Aussie accent freak. While her original Mortal Kombat outfit was pretty much a tragedy-on-a-train, Sonya was the original female of the series and competed in a tournament with other men and mythical creatures. The all American girl-next-door surely deserves some cred for that reason alone. How did she choose to finish these suckers off? By blowing a kiss that turned into a fireball of course. Sonya was dropped in Mortal Kombat II, but I blame the outfit for that one.

Chun Li
Chun-li-street-fighter-25112956-1200-900
Much like Miss Blade, Chun Li was the original female to enter a fighting video game series, although the fact that she was introduced in the second game and not the first like Sonya just makes her that tiny bit less cooler. Either way, “the strongest woman in the world” earned her moniker and wears it well, what with those massive thighs of hers and what not. Of course, your muscles would develop that much if you leaned on one leg whilst kicking with the other multiple times. Here’s to Chun Li for not only being a badass babe, but also for being a key character for button mashers like me!

These are just a few of the kickbutt female characters who live in male-dominated worlds and don’t even care. They’re strong multicultural women who don’t need no man.

– by The Black Widow

The F’n Worst GTA Onliners

So here I was, laying on my couch playing some GTA Online at the middle of the night because a) I couldn’t get to sleep and b) GTA Online is amazing. I’m doing a mission of stealing two cars from people who don’t defend their cars whatsoever and then you drive the cars to a location and Bobsuruncle. I had two partners on the mission. Sounds like a walk in the park, right? Well, tell that to my nitwit partners who drove off as if still playing in freemode and didn’t assist me in the slightest.

Summer says hello from the world of GTA Online!

Summer says hello from the world of GTA Online!

After that dreadful altercation, I’ve decided to pinpoint and name the worst gamers to play GTA Online and describe just how irritating they are.

The Clueless Mission Partner
As described above in my terrible experience, the Clueless Mission Partner is the smartarse who will join your mission and do absolutely nothing to help you just so they can reap the exact same rewards you get for doing 100% of the work. That is the major issue I have with GTA Online – rewards are split in team deatchmatches depending on how much you contributed to the team which is fair enough. In missions, however, everyone gets the same money and experience points. So, unfortunately, if you are paired up with one of these morons, you’re just gonna have to bite your tongue and get on with the job – or you could run them over. That’d be acceptable, methinks.

The Obsessive Killer
Ah, the Obsessive Killer – the tool who goes around killing everyone for no reason other than to be a troll. Unfortunately the sad truth is that if you wanted to avoid the Obsessive Killer, you’d probably have to hide in the mountains or stake out at Sandy Shores because these losers tend to frequent GTA Online a lot. If one is chasing you and you try to take refuge in good ol’ Ponsonby’s, don’t worry – they’ll take advantage of a glitch and come in and gun you down for no reason. Alternatively, if they haven’t figured out the glitch, they will literally wait for you to walk out so they can gun you down or try and shoot you through the window. I have been a part of all three.

The Bounty Coward
What’s a good way to earn some quick money? Getting bounties. What makes it unnecessarily difficult, however, is when the person who has the bounty on their head hides out in their apartment and will literally stay in there for as long as necessary. Technically, one is allowed to do it but it really should be more frowned upon than it is. It’s annoying and slack to the players in the same session who want to make a quick buck. If you really think about it, you don’t really lose anything if you’re killed – unless you’re carrying loads of cash – so you really have nothing to lose if you give yourself up.

The Creepy Stalker
While these aren’t that frequently seen on GTA Online, I’ve had my fair share of run ins with them. These are the players that choose to follow you around for no reason – they won’t kill you at first, they just feel the need to be in your general presence. I once had a guy follow me for half an hour for no reason and after I killed him for his creepy behaviour, got into a helicopter and tried to gun me down. Don’t, people. Just don’t.

The Vengeful Moron
You kill another player, whether that be on purpose or by accident, and you drive off thinking nothing of it. Nekk minnit, that player is following you to get their revenge. And once is never good enough for this person. After they get their initial first kill, they’ll just keep following you and following you like a jealous ex who is out for blood. I will admit, I have participated in vengeful quests – only after someone found it necessary to kill me four times in a row.

The Trolling Thief
You get out of your personal car that cost you a gazillion dollars to upgrade and walk into your nearest Suburban to get some new threads. You walk outside with your new clothes and – oh look at that – your car has gone because someone thought it’d be funny to break into your car and drive off. I don’t even have words to describe these ones. Just no.

While all of these “characters” could be described as simply “trolls”, they are all guilty of making an MMORPG like GTA Online – which is probably one of the most fun MMORPG’s I’ve ever played – not fun. If you fit into one of these categories, please stop what you are doing and re-evaluate your life. There are far more important things in life to achieve. Thanks.

– by The Black Widow