Nine Reactions to the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Pilot Episode

Why was I blessed with the love of trashy reality TV?

November 12, 2020 was very special to me for three reasons:
1. It was my best friend Sian’s birthday (happy birthday girl!);
2. I received my PS5 which, as of writing the day after, is still on installing all of my games and updates, and;
3. The pilot episode of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City debuted!

A bunch of Utah queens… Jen and Heather are also pictured.

I have been looking forward to this particular installment of the Real Housewives franchise for several reasons. For starters, my granddad lives in Salt Lake City and I’ve been there a few times to see him, so I’m quite familiar with the city itself. Furthermore, all my immediate family are Mormon (I’m not, but that’s irrelevant) so I have a good understanding of the Mormon church and culture and wanted to see if the housewives who identify as Mormon fit that understanding (spoiler alert: they didn’t).

So while my PS5 was installing game updates, I booted up my Chromecast and began watching the first episode of RHOSLC. I was pleasantly surprised, troubled, but most importantly amused by the episode.

Here are some of my first reactions to this episode:

SPOILERS AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

1. Jen Shah is an actual moron
I’m well aware that the Real Housewives franchise are full of larger than life characters, and I really like some of them (Erika Jayne, NeNe Leakes etc.) Jen Shah is a larger than life character, however she is an obnoxious, self-centered larger than life “character” who planned a “birthday party” for her “friend” but made it all about herself, and not in the funny way either. At no point did I find myself liking her, and I’m already looking forward to the day where she’s dropped from the show. In saying that, I don’t think she will be, as her type of personality is what makes these shows so iconic, so unfortunately she’s probably here for the long run.

2. Meredith’s son Brooks made an iconic decision
We’re introduced to Meredith, her husband, and her son Brooks. Brooks apparently decided to take a semester off uni/college/whatever they call it in the US to spend more time with his family. Translation: he took a semester off uni to be featured on RHOSLC because he found out his mother was cast as a housewife. Iconic.

3. Whitney is a skinny hilarious Queen
Look. I’m not gonna lie about it. Watching the preview videos and especially the taglines for this show, I was not impressed with Whitney at all. She’s proud of having an affair with a married man 18 years older than her, and her voice makes me want to bang frying pans together to drown out the noise. Watching this episode, however, changed my mind completely. She’s gorgeous, she’s true to herself, and is so adorably ditsy that I see myself in her. Come on Bravo… let’s give this Queen the more air time that she deserves!

4. This drama smells like a hospital
The major drama in this episode, which will apparently be continued in episode two, was that Mary told Jen that she smelled like a hospital. That was it. That was the drama. To make it even more strange, Mary has a long back story about why she’s traumatised about the smell of hospital, and Jen believes that Mary shouldn’t have said it because Jen was taking care of her aunt who had both legs amputated at the hospital. The Rinna/Kim restaurant fight in Amsterdam is embarrassed by this hospital smell shit.

5. Heather is a loser an acquired taste
The name Heather is synonymous with beautiful, popular girls due to Heather Chandler’s revolutionary impact. Heather from RHOSLC apparently missed that memo, as not only is she unbearably deluded, but her emotional attachment to getting acknowledgement from Lisa is actually pathetic. If someone claimed they didn’t know me even if they did, I’d shrug my shoulders and move on. Heather is apparently going to start drama about it. Grow up, Heather.

6. Lisa is a bad bitch
You know when you look at someone and you can just tell they’re a bad mf bitch? Enter Lisa Barlow. Not only does she appear to be so unapologetically herself, but I’m also lowkey a fan of the way she disregarded Heather’s petty ass (refer to above). When starting a Real Housewives show, you quickly pick your favourites, and Lisa Barlow is clearly going to be my favourite.

7. Why is it a chalet and not just a house?
The first housewife we’re introduced to is (unfortunately) Jen. You’ll quickly see that the lower third states that you’re in “Jen’s Chalet”. No. Not her house, or her home, or even her mansion. It’s specifically a chalet. I don’t know if this is just because I can’t stand Jen, but how f’ing pretentious.

8. Mary = style icon
Our first glimpse of Mary is when she’s meeting up with Skinny Queen Whitney for drinks. Mary is seen wearing a very eccentric outfit, which others have slammed as bad fashion. I, on the other hand, love it. I always appreciate out there bold fashion choices, and while I personally wouldn’t wear Mary’s outfit, she rocked it like a boss. But on the other hand…

9. Who forces their granddaughter to marry their husband?
Mary’s grandmother died, and in her will, it was instructed that ‘one of her girls’ has to marry her husband to inherit her legacy. As it is, Mary ended up marrying her step grandfather, and it’s made out as if it was completely against her will but she did it anyway. Wtf.

I’ll be frank: I don’t watch Real Housewives shows for some quality television because I’m well aware they are trash. But sometimes good trash is what you really need, and I cannot get enough of this good trash.

Very excited to see episode two now. It’d just be better without Jen and Heather soz not soz.

– by The Black Widow

Ten Things The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Taught Me

You guessed it. Another article about the icons of RHOBH.

In its simplest form, RHOBH is a spin off of the popular Real Housewives franchise, showcasing the dramatic lives of glamorous women with more money than they know what to do with.

But underneath the ‘trashy reality’ exterior it has, this iconic show has some important life lessons for all kinds of people. From not being afraid to speak your mind, to ensuring you dress to the nines for a pyjama breakfast together, the ladies of Beverly Hills are full of knowledge and wisdom, and I am going to pass these nuggets of gold down to you. You’re welcome.

They probably don’t look impressed because someone didn’t listen to number nine. (Photo taken from Greg Palmer’s Flickr photostream)

1. Pat the puss
Self explanatory really. Thank you Erika Jayne.

2. Never put your handbag on the floor
This is a superstition I have never heard of before watching this show. The belief is that putting your bag on the floor indicates losing money as it goes right out the door. Now, you will never see me put my Coach on the floor, whether it’s near impossible to hang it up somewhere or not.

3. No matter how insignificant the problem may seem to you, bring it up
One thing that I’m trying to become better at as a human is validating my emotions and feelings; I’m allowed to feel however I naturally feel about a situation. And one of the things that the Housewives of Beverly Hills do well – whether if it’s scripted or otherwise induced – is bringing up their issues to the person who caused it. Whether it’s Joyce telling racist Brandi to stop calling her Jacqueline, or Queen Eileen telling LVP she didn’t appreciate her ‘affair’ being brought up at the dinner table, they’ve taught us that the most foolish words are the ones that are unsaid.

4. You can never spend too much on a bag
Designer fashion isn’t for everyone. However, designer fashion is definitely for me. And whether you’re a Kyle who would spend thousands on a bag just to flaunt it at brunch, or you’re an Eileen who has a more conservatively priced bag that would potentially draw the ire of Kathryn Edwards, it’s an unspoken rule among the ladies that there is no such thing as spending too much money on a bag.

5. There’s no such thing as ‘too dressed up’ for an occasion
Poor Denise was dragged way out of her comfort zone when she joined RHOBH, because you can only ever be underdressed when attending a function in Beverly Hills (even though she is Denise fucking Richards). Wearing designer fashion and heels to something as simple as a brunch or a protest march is a must, and let’s not forget it. And don’t let some hatin’ ass bitch judge you for wearing glam to a wellness retreat either.

6. Don’t accuse someone of having pretend amnesia
Yeah, Teddi.

7. Always bring a gift to someone’s house for any event
When a friend has invited you over to their home for an event, whether it’s a housewarming or a simple lunch, bring something as a gift. The ladies of RHOBH always take a gift to someone’s house, no matter how small the occasion may be. And for the extra lolz, if you don’t know what to take, take a box of Cadbury’s Favourites.

8. Avoid the ‘M’ word
An entire season was based around Lisa Rinna dropping the ‘M’ word. Do yourself a favour and don’t say it.

9. Don’t bring up dirty laundry at the dinner table
While it’s a recurring theme that all of the best arguments on RHOBH happen at the damn dinner table, one of the best lessons I’ve taken from the latest season was from sweet little Sutton, who kindly advised Teddi Mellentrampcamp to not bring up Denise’s business at the dinner table. And how right you are, Sutton Stracke.

10. Don’t invite a psychic to dinner
For the love of all that is holy, don’t do it. Don’t do it to yourself. The Dinner Party from Hell is called the Dinner Party from Hell for a reason.

Also, in relation to number 10… Allison Dubois, if you’re reading this – you’ve got mf issues hun.

– by The Black Widow

Seven Questions I Have for Love Island: The Game – Season Two

Be prepared for my favourite season ever!

After posing some questions about Love Island: The Game Season One, I’m very excited to put forward some questions about my personal favourite season.

While season one was my introduction to this amazing game, season two managed to double the fun, double the drama, and just top what I thought was an un-toppable season.

The characters were more relatable, the season was almost twice as long, there was even more drama than #Cherrygate could dare dream of, and the avatar artwork was a whole lot better, meaning Tygress could be even cuter than before!

The beautiful characters of Love Island Game: Season Two (my Gary’s the cute blond one on the left… isn’t he adorable?!)

I have already played through this season twice and am now on my third playthrough (ended up with Gary first, ended up with Jakub second), and this doesn’t even include playing through the season for my #NikkiPlaysLoveIsland live streaming series. That should give you an idea of how awesome this season is.

But if I had questions about season one, then you best bet I have questions for season two.

SPOILERS AHEAD! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

1. Why are we still playing as a fit female?
Come on Fusebox. Come on.

2. Why is Gary so perfect?
I have never experienced a love like the one that me and Gary shared… oh sorry, I meant that Tygress and Gary shared. To me, he was the most human of the characters, and coupled with his cheeky sense of humour and his bulging biceps, I was just completely enamoured with him. If I needed any more reason to love him, the story he shared about growing up as an insecure boy who became unhealthily obsessed with working out and had to seek therapy and help for his problem just made me fall in love with him even more… oh sorry, I meant made Tygress fall in love with him. In short, Gary Rennell is perfection, and I will not hear otherwise.

3. Why is Hope such a snivelling little bitch and why are we expected to put up with her shit?
I’m an avid participant of the Fusebox Games Reddit so I can share my feelings towards Love Island: The Game with other fanatics. A popular opinion among the group is that everybody hates Hope. There is no redeeming quality about her; if you choose to pair up with Noah at the beginning, she just snakes him off you with no regard for your feelings even after claiming she’s ‘in it for the girls’; she rubs her fake relationship with Noah in your face for the rest of the season; and she tries way too hard to be the unofficial leader of the girls to the point that you want to throw her overboard. Who died and made you Captain Sparrow, bitch.

4. What was the actual point of Casa Amor?
Okay, I get the point of Casa Amor, but what was the actual point? As far as I’m concerned, during all three of my playthroughs, not once was my head ever turned by the fellas in Casa Amor, and the days spent in there were just a waste of time. The guy who had the best opportunity to turn my head (Felix) straight up admitted that he didn’t like me in that way, so again I ask… what was the actual point?

5. What is the obsession with feet and farts?
Come on Fusebox, maybe one or two responses with feet/farts would’ve been funny, but when nearly every decision you get to make has an option to do with feet/farts… come on guys. Come on.

6. Why can’t you let me be a bitch in peace?
In my first playthrough, I was sweet and agreeable to ensure the best possible endgame. In my second playthrough, I was more true to myself, which meant that if I didn’t like the character, then I let them know it. Every opportunity I got to drag Hope, Lottie, Hannah and Priya (only in the beginning when she snaked my Gary off me), I took it, and it gave me such great pleasure when the sad emojis popped out. But even after all of this dragging, they were still trying to be friends with me and going on about ‘girls forever’. Ughhhh. Just fuck off Lottie. You’re not unique and loveable; you are a stupid ass bitch. Hate me and leave me in peace!

7. Why was this season so iconic?
It takes some great storytelling to make the player feel a sense of community among a group of video game characters, but Love Island: The Game Season Two managed to pull that off. From the invention of a new word to fool hunky Jakub (I always went with ‘al dente’), to the hilarious malfunctioning baby cry (waaah… ahh… aaah), every ‘personal joke’ made by the characters on the game made you feel like you were in on the joke as well. Making a player feel that sense of family and community even though it’s a video game is a rare occurrence, and Fusebox have done a wonderful job of making season two this enjoyable.

Now that that’s done, I’m going to get back to my third playthrough where I’m going to fall in love with Gary again and not give anyone else a chance even though I’ve already been down this road before. Sorry Lucas. You’re cute, but not Gary cute.

– by The Black Widow

Five Questions I Have for Love Island: The Game – Season One

Couple up or check out.

This is the motto for the iconic reality dating series Love Island, but if (like me) you don’t really care for shit trashy reality dating shows, but like to live vicariously through character avatars in romantic settings, then you might really like the mobile app game based on the series, Love Island: The Game.

And yes, I am going to shamelessly plug my live streaming series #NikkiPlaysLoveIsland which you can find at this link.

The extremely attractive cast of Love Island: The Game Season One. Tygress the bikini model not featured.

I just have to say that I am a huge mark for the Love Island game. Any mobile app that can make me spend actual money on it is a keeper, but this game has made spend well over $100 on it. (Before you judge me, just bear in mind that I could be spending my money on worse).

This game has everything that a dating simulation mobile app game needs: attractive characters to romance or woo, an isolated almost dreamlike setting of the villa that almost traps you and the other islanders together, and most importantly, an engaging storyline… because what’s romance without an entertaining story?

I’m currently going through my second playthrough of season one which you can watch live on my Twitch channel (did I already plug my #NikkiPlaysLoveIsland?) My first playthrough of season one was full of drama, romance, heartbreak, and plenty of doing bits, and I felt so attached to the characters by the end of the season.

After thinking about my first playthrough – and going through my second playthrough – I just have a few questions that need to be asked about my time as Tygress the bikini model on Love Island season one.

SPOILERS AHEAD! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

1. Why do we have to play as a (fit) female?
First thing’s first: the most obvious question. Why am I forced to play as a female? As a male, I would like to experience this iconic game as a male character so I can realistically live vicariously through them. Unfortunately, this game only gives you the option to play as a female with a fit body/little to no curves. I’m not going to complain that much because I enjoyed playing as Tygress the bikini model, but it would’ve been that much better creating a male character that looked like me and would constantly graft on Levi and Jake like the devilish hoe he was meant to be.

2. Wtf was #Cherrygate
I know they explained themselves, but I still don’t quite get why Cherrygate had to happen. My partner at the time was Levi, so he was the one suckered in to Cherrygate. Cherry explained that she was feeling weak and vulnerable at the time and Levi happened to be there for a (broad) shoulder to lean on, but then they made out. Like, I don’t know about you, but when I find a friend to lean on during troubling times, I don’t end the venting session by making out with them. Also, Cherrygate dragged on for too long. I ended up not minding Cherry by the end of it, but it felt like the game was forcing me to hate her. Speaking of hating people…

3. Why are the rest of the female characters such vile humans?
If you’ve watched my live stream, you will note that there is a recurring theme: I hate literally every other female character in this season. Allegra tries too hard to be a bitch, and in turn makes her mere existence irritating; Erikah is a snake; Cherry is a man-stealing ho bag; Talia is a try hard; Jen is way in over her damn head; and Lucy is bland. There. I said it.

4. What’s the obsession with Levi and Mason?
It’s no secret that I was fond of Levi from the beginning seeing as statistically the character is very close to “my type”; however in saying that, the closest to my type of all the characters was Jake. Granted, Jake was a choice to couple up with in the very last recoupling, but I don’t understand why he wasn’t able to be selected for the majority of the game. It was clear the the game was trying to steer you specifically towards Levi or Mason, and eventually Talia should you want your character to end up in a same-sex relationship. It would’ve been nice if the game gave you more options for romance, because I’m sure Big T definitely tickled some peoples fancies by the end of it.

5. Why is this game so iconic?
I have played nearly every popular mobile dating simulation game there has ever been invented. This could be because I am super lonely, but more on my aversion to real-life dating later. But while other games just want to get you coupled up with these beautiful, flawless superhuman characters that are larger than life, this game went that step further and actually made their characters human. Jake was the most human character of them all, which is probably why Tygress ended up with him; he was flawed, and admitted to his own faults and insecurities, and nothing is more attractive than someone who is comfortable in their own skin and flaws. Kudos, Fusebox Games, you have done a stellar job.

Love Island: The Game is available on most if not all smart devices and is free to download (in-game transactions available if you have no self control like me and need to spend money to have cute bikinis and exclusive grafting opportunities). Don’t say I didn’t warn you when you prefer to spend time with your villa beau as opposed to your real one.

– by The Black Widow