The Housewives of Atlanta: Ranked

We’re back with some more Real Housewives Content!

As Sydney is currently in lockdown because people can’t just stay tf home, I’ve had a lot of spare time on my hands. This means that my task to finish all 13 seasons of Real Housewives of Atlanta which would’ve normally taken me probably a full year has nearly been done in four months, my mind is bursting with some iconic RHOA quotes like “Bye ashes!” and “The lies! The lies! The lies!”

12_3-RHOA13

During the 13 seasons of Real Housewives of Atlanta, they have featured 15 main cast housewives, which again does not include the “friends of” Queens like Marlo Hampton and Tanya Sam, or the guest appearances from people like “that bitch” Yovana. Or Jovana. Whatever. I don’t know her.

Much like I did with the Housewives of Beverly Hills, I will be ranking the Housewives of Atlanta in order of how much I stanned them or how much I absolutely detested them. Except I will be doing this myself as Emilie hasn’t watched RHOA. Sadface.

So here it is. RHOA’s bombshells ranked!

15. Kenya Moore
Probably the easiest placement on this list. It’s said that you’re either Team Porsha or Team Kenya, and I cannot fathom how anyone could be Team Kenya. She’s a deluded shit-stirrer who provokes people and then acts surprised when they react. She’ll do anything to be the centre of attention, and not in a cool way either, and she can’t support her friend’s happiness if it isn’t about her. Kenya is gone with the dust storm at the bottom of this list.

14. Kim Zolciak-Biermann
If Kenya wasn’t featured on this show, then Kim would easily be at the bottom of this list. If Kenya is the Princess of deluded, then Kim is the Queen. Granted, her drags of the other women were way more entertaining than Kenya’s, and when it was Kenya vs. Kimn I found myself on Kim’s side. 

13. DeShawn Snow
This rating comes from a lack of getting to know DeShawn. She was only featured in the first season which had like eight episodes. I thought she was sweet and cute and would’ve loved for her to hang around longer.

12. Kim Fields
I loved Kim Fields. I thought she was fabulous and was a nice refined change from the usual RHOA messy drama. However I didn’t think she was good fit for the show solely because she was a change from the usual RHOA messy drama. But don’t get it twisted: she’s Kim Fields, bitch.

11. Claudia Jordan
I thought Claudia was a nice addition to the RHOA franchise, and I especially enjoyed how she had no shame in reading people. She didn’t contribute much to storylines, however, and her biggest impact on the show was her being self-conscious about her toes. Also she loses a few point for being friends with Kenya.

10. Lisa Wu
If Lisa had stayed on the show for a few more seasons, she would’ve flourished and would’ve easily been found higher on this list. She wasn’t about the drama but wasn’t scared to drag a bitch if she had to. Plus, she loves money as much as I do. Yay her.

9. Nene Leakes
I have a very strong love-hate relationship with Nene. For one, I admire how outspoken and outgoing she is and find her energy to be really infectious; she really was the life of the show in each season she was featured in. In saying that, however, I find her to be quite narcissistic and manipulative, and if things don’t go her way she tends to drag everyone else around her down. 

8. Phaedra Parks
Ms. Phaedra Parks was not high up on my list after her first season or two. She was too secretive and kept her cards close to her chest, and was almost as deluded as Kenya. But then in the later seasons she let loose and became one of the more fun ones, almost as much as Porsha. Making up really defamatory rumours about Kandi, however, prevents her from going any higher on this list.

7. Shamari DeVoe
Let me put this out there: I thought Shamari was a fantastic addition to the cast, and I don’t know how producers thought to get rid of her in favour if a returning Kenya. She was not scared to be herself, and there was something about her that was just so fabulous. Also we love drunk Shamari. Bring her back. Get rid of Kenya.

6. Sheree Whitfield
Sheree is someone else I started off not liking, but then after season one I came to really like her. Her shade is better than anyone else’s – I mean, who can get past “Who gon’ check me boo?” – and in the production sense of the show, she was not afraid to stir up some drama. She ain’t called the Bone Collector for nothing.

5. Kandi Burruss
I love Kandi. I think she’s someone to be looked up to by all. She’s a savvy businesswoman who loves her family, loves her children, and loves the freedom of expression and to be yourself. I also admire her ability to stay out of the drama – “won’t start none, won’t be none” – but by far her best quality is the ability to talk about sex openly. Sex is a conversation I want to be more accessible for people, and Kandi (Koated Nights) is helping forge that path.

4. Drew Sidora
Drew was the reason I started watching RHOA in the first place. When I saw she had been cast in Season 13, my interest piqued because I loved her prior to the show, so that’s when I chose to watch the show. I thought she was a fun addition to Season 13, and her battles with LaToya really made the season. Well, that and the infamous Dungeon Party.

3. Porsha Williams
If my constant dragging of Kenya didn’t make it obvious, I’m all for Team Porsha. Porsha is an enigma; there are really no words to describe her because she is just such an individual. In her first season, she was a much more reserved version of herself, no doubt because of her then-husband, but once that broke off, the fun, wild and energetic Porsha that everyone grew to love emerged, and we love that bitch.

2. Cynthia Bailey
Cynthia is everything I want to be. She’s stunning; she’s fabulous; she’s successful; and she’s Cynthia Bailey. Now what else is going on? Cynthia is one of the more level-headed women of RHOA who will get into it if she has to, but prefers to stay outside of the drama. And that’s something that’s really to be admired, especially on a reality show where’s it kind of expected to start shit for no reason. 

1. Eva Marcille
Obsessed is an understatement. If Cynthia Bailey is everything I want to be, Eva is that and some more. Well spoken, absolutely stunning, and the shadiest queen of them all a complete sunflower, Eva hits the top of my list as my favourite Housewife of Atlanta. While she has gone out and said she won’t be returning to the franchise, I hope she changes her mind. She was a great addition to the cast, and absolutely knew how to handle herself in a tense situation. Women always have trouble in their first season of the show as their lives are thrown into the spotlight, but Eva handled probably the best out of any of the above women.

Did you have a different set of rankings to us? Who was your favourite housewife? Let us know in the comments!

– by The Black Widow

Secret Obsession Was a Missed Home Run

London Tipton sure isn’t doing so well anymore.

While being bedridden with bronchitis, I found a new loving relationship with my Netflix account. Given that I’m in and out with work and all of my other hobbies and responsibilities, I barely have time to sit down and watch something on Netflix let alone scratch my arse. So with all this newfound time, I got to explore what was on offer from this entertainment giant. And one of those things on offer was Secret Obsession, starring Brenda Song and Mike Vogel.

Brenda Song plays a woman named Jennifer, who suffers a horrendous car accident but manages to survive; her husband Russell, played by Mike Vogel, begins to rehabilitate her back at their mountain lodge as she suffered short term memory loss and intense physical trauma.

I feel as if this “obsession” isn’t so secret tbh.

Now, before we go on, this is your official SPOILERS AHEAD warning; a strong majority of the plot will be revealed in this review, so if you want to watch this and discover it yourself, then I suggest you stop here.

I love psychological thrillers so much – I mean, I forced myself to sit through Triangle, which to this day I still don’t understand – but boy let me tell you that this one was very underwhelming.

Let’s start off with the obvious: the trailer itself gives away the “twist” of the movie. In fact, it’s fairly safe to say that if you watch the trailer, then you’ve watched the whole movie. This film had the foundation to be an amazing psych thriller, but it gave away too much too soon and there was no real “twist” that makes these sorts of movies incredible.

Before I continue, I need to give a brief rundown of the beginning of the film. So this movie starts off with Jennifer running away from a psycho killer to a deserted rest stop. She manages to get away from him but then get hits by a car, thus starting the rehabilitation process. You don’t see who the psycho killer is, but if you’ve watched the trailer, you know who it is.

It’s teased very early on that Russell is not who he seems, and is revealed before the midway point of the movie that he actually isn’t married to Jennifer but is just pretending.

There. That’s it. That’s the twist.

They tried very poorly to throw suspicion on this unnamed guy with dark hair that he was the psycho killer, when there was no real motive for him to be the killer. And then Russell kills him for asking about Jennifer at the hospital, and then that’s literally the last we ever see of him. No explanation as to why he was hanging around or why his character was relevant to the storyline. Nothing. And he still doesn’t have a name. Oh, and then Russell brings this poor bastard back to their mountain lodge and buries them RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BEDROOM WINDOW which Jennifer slightly witnesses. Russell, I feel as if you don’t know how to cover your tracks well, sis.

Oh, and Russell shows Jennifer pictures of them from their wedding and other events to prove that he is her husband… but they are so POORLY PHOTOSHOPPED that I don’t understand how Jennifer wasn’t like “Lol bro u srz”. Everyone’s just like “Oh I see the skin colours don’t match, but yolo, you’re defs her husband no doubts about it.”

We find out that “Russell” is actually Ryan, who worked with Jennifer and the real Russell and was obsessed with her but didn’t have her. Then one day he casually decided to invade their home, kill Russell, and then try kill Jennifer even though he was in love with her (try make sense of that) which led to the car accident. Oh, and at some point, Ryan killed Jennifer’s parents so no one that cared about her would try and find her. Makes sense. What I don’t get, however, is that Ryan kept Russell’s dead body in the boot of Jennifer’s car, which he stole, and then buried ol’ mate unnamed in their backyard, but just left Jennifer’s parents bodies to rot in their home. Like he made no effort to cover that up whatsoever. In what world did Ryan think this stupid plan of his was gonna work.

To make his stupid plan sound even stupider, he gave false information to the hospital when he signed out Jennifer… like do you think they would just not follow up on this false information? Like I don’t understand how this guy thought he was going to get away with this.

Anyways, this seemingly incompetent detective, played by Dennis Haysbert, catches onto Ryan’s plan and eventually finds the mountain lodge. Then, the following set of events occur:
– Ryan knocks the detective out before he can save Jennifer;
– Some shit happens;
– Jennifer escapes the house after clocking him with a vase and NOT DOUBLE TAPPING and runs away on her bung ankle;
– Ryan follows her;
– The detective regains consciousness, because for some reason Ryan didn’t think to kill him, and goes after them;
– Jennifer tries to knock Ryan out but fails and he gets on top;
– The detective interferes before Ryan can kill Jennifer (which I still don’t understand if he apparently loves her so much) and they brawl;
– Jennifer gets a hold of the gun and kills Ryan.

Are you following? Cool. Because that’s the end of the movie. Well, there’s some little “three months later” scene but that’s about it.

To their credit, Secret Obsession had some pretty good acting on Song and Vogel’s behalf, but that was really the only saving grace.

I’m just so disappointed that this movie, which was set up to be a full home run, but only managed to be a single at best. Also this might just be me because I hate feet, but there was a lot of (Brenda Song’s) feet featured in this movie. So thumbs down for that.

Also, if I woke up from a coma and Mike Vogel was claiming to be my husband, I wouldn’t question it. I think that was the biggest flaw about this movie tbh.

If this man was threatening to “give me everything I’ve ever wanted”, I’d send him to Victoria’s Secret with a shopping list and forget that he killed everyone in my life.

Tl;dr: the plot is given away in the trailer. If you want to watch the movie, just watch the trailer. But if you want to watch the full movie, Mike Vogel’s in it looking fooiiine (refer to above).

This movie tried – like it really tried – to be one of those iconic psych thrillers, but it just failed to deliver. Also I still don’t understand the relevance of ol’ mate dark hair to the plot. Ol’ mate dark hair wants justice!!

– by The Black Widow

Review: Doctor Who season eight

I had the privilege of watching the Doctor Who season eight finale mere hours ago… without knowing it was the finale.

I kind of had a feeling it was the finale, and all the twists and turns in the episode suggested that it was indeed the finale, but seeing as I’m at times daft and unattentive, I was unaware of how important the episode was until I saw that it was indeed “the season finale”. Whoops.

The Eyebrows and the Impossible Girl.

The Eyebrows and the Impossible Girl.

Anywho…

**SPOILERS WILL SOON FOLLOW. IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE ENTIRE SEASON AND WISH TO, I HIGHLY SUGGEST NOT GOING ON ANY FURTHER**

Season eight marks the official debut of Peter Capaldi as the Doctor after seeing a glimpse (his eyes) in Day of the Doctor and seeing my beloved Matt Smith regenerate into Capaldi. As I attended the Doctor Who World Tour stop in Sydney, I was privileged to watch Deep Breath before it premiered all over the world on its official date. Deep Breath was a HUGE start for Who, showing just how well-suited Capaldi is as the Doctor, proving doubters that he will have no problem filling the shoes left behind by the likes of William Hartnell, Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant.

On that note, if I may take a moment to self-promote, here’s a clip of Capaldi making his grand entrance on stage at the Sydney portion of the World Tour. At the 1:02 mark, that is when Capaldi spotted me in the audience waving at him… and then he waved back. I died. Just to illustrate my feelings at the moment in time.

I’m going to say it: if Capaldi was the greatest thing about this season, coming in a close second is Michelle Gomez. I thought John Simm was an incredible Master, but Gomez REALLY blew me away as the Mistress. She was absolutely phenomenal in her role and, just like Simm, made it hard to hate her because she was that damn infectious… albeit a cray-cray kind of infectious.

Besides Deep Breath, there were a few other episodes in the season eight that, to me, really shone. The first  that I’d like to mention is Robot of Sherwood, which focused on the legend of Robin Hood (or not-a-legend, if you’re going to go down that route). The storyline in that episode was going okay – not great, just okay – until the massive swerve at the end which suddenly made the episode a WHOLE lot more interesting. Include the humorous interactions between the Doctor and Hood and you’ve got yourself a stellar episode.

Another episode that really stood out was Mummy on the Orient Express. The episode took a kind of old-fashioned “who dunnit” approach, although instead of “who was the murderer”, it was “who is going to be murdered next by a mummy that only the person about to die can see”. Writer Jamie Mathieson could not have capitalised any more if he tried; the episode was a total hit, with engaging interaction, well-placed humour and an attention-grabbing storyline that had me at the end of my mattress for the entire episode.

Along with the good comes the bad: In The Forest of the Night particularly stands out as disappointing. The plot was confusing and the acting on some of the children’s behalf was shoddy, not that I can hold it against them, being so young and all. Especially coming after the mumy episode, it really should have knocked it out of the park but it barely hit it off the tee.

One story arc I really didn’t like during season eight also was Clara and Danny. The story seemed forced together to give Clara another dimension other than perfect and prim companion to the Doctor. Realistically, they had been on like one date and then declared their love for each other. Danny, as a character, was annoying, and I couldn’t find anything really that I liked about him. I wasn’t too big a fan of Clara in season seven but she’s growing on me.

It is because of this story arc that I didn’t completely love the season finale. The fact that Danny saved the world was a bit how ya goin’ for me. Regardless, Death in Heaven was still a fantastic episode, if only to see Michelle Gomez do her thang.

Solst-o-meter
Storyline: 7.4/10
Acting: 8.8/10
Overall: 8.1/10

This was a definite treat for Whovians all over the world, and was a great taste for what Capaldi can bring to the much coveted role of the Doctor. Capaldi is fantastic in his role and I can’t wait to see what else he can do.

– by The Black Widow

Top 10 Badass Who Villains

Let’s face it; Doctor Who has the most badass villains ever! But who’s the most badassest of them all? Solstice Satisfaction takes a look at the worst of them.

All images from various Doctor Who sources, including The Doctor Who Site.

10. Sontarans
sontarans

The frightening soldier-like race only made less scary by the fact that they look like potatos with bodies, the Sontarans are quite fond of killing and think of it as a type of leisure, so that alone should make even the mightiest Time Lord or human companion wary of these potatos-in-blue-suits.

9. Autons
autons

If you work in retail, I feel bad for you son, I’ve got 99 problems, but a store mannequin turning into a killing Auton ain’t one. These “plastic people” are controlled by the Nestene Consciousness and shoot these really nifty lasers out of their plastic hands. They’re also frightening because people are used to store mannequins and will let their guard down. But you shouldn’t. Rose Tyler isn’t in this dimension to save you.

8. Vashta Nerada
Vashta_nerada

“Hey! Who turned out the lights?” If this sentence resonates with you as a Whovian, then you’ll know why the Vashta Nerada are so frightening. I could only describe the Vashta Nerada as a type of darkness that kills you and takes control of your physical body while replaying the last thing you ever said constantly. If you were in a River Song spacesuit. If you were just wearing trackies and a sweater… I’d say it’d be much worse.

7. The Beast
the-beast

The Beast is commonly referred to as the Devil. Or Satan. Or Lucifer. Whatever you’d like to call it. Either way, he is just as scary as every demonic version of him suggests, although I’m pretty sure he’s like 50 feet tall and lives in the fiery depths of hell. Or whatever your version of hell is.

6. Empty Child/Children
emptych

If there is one seemingly innocent line that can freak out a Whovian, it’s this: “Are you my mummy?” What turned one child with a gas mask on into an entire colony of people wearing gas masks all saying “Are you my mummy?” became one of the most frightening things of the entire Doctor Who universe, or Whoniverse. Let’s just say I can’t look at gas masks the same way.

5. Silence
silence

How are you supposed to take the fight to a creature that you can’t even remember? The Silence, who look like regular stereotypical aliens sometimes dressed in dapper suits, are actually deadly in the fact that as soon as you look away from them, you can’t even remember them. Just make sure you carry a marker around with you to let your body know how many times you’ve actually seen them.

4. Weeping Angels
weepingangels

If there is one thing worse than forgetting a creature, it’s not looking away from it. The Weeping Angels feed off time energy and are the reason why Amy and Rory had to separate from Eleven. Their shtick is simple: they are angel statues when you look at them. You blink, and they’re all of a sudden right in your face. Don’t take your eye off them, because the moment they touch you, you’ve gone back way in time and have to live a life in an era you don’t know.

3. The Master
masterjohn

The one Time Lord who is capable of giving the Doctor the heebie jeebies is The Master. His friend. His rival. His nemesis. Only made less frightening by his unpredictable behaviour, the Master doesn’t have the same kindness to humans as the Doctor does. Although, we can take comfort in that Martha Jones once stopped him from taking over the world.

2. Cybermen
cybermen

“Deleeeete!” If you hear this, you should either duck or roll to the side. Or ultimately give up and surrender. Because that is the word a Cyberman will shout before he shoots you and kills you, just like that. Cybermen were once humans who were convered into this robotic killing machines and are completely devoid of human emotions or feelings. What is worse than having no feelings!

1. Daleks
daleks

What looks like a rolling machine with a rod sticking out of its head to a non Whovian is actually the most deadly Who villain of them all. The Daleks, the rivals of the Time Lords. The rivalry led to the Time War which left the Doctor wandering the world by himself as the only Time Lord left in existence. Of course, if you need a hand defeating the Daleks, the Doctor has several companions who have been known to EXTERMINAAAATE them. Here’s looking at you, Bad Wolf Rose Tyler.

Be glad that all these creatures aren’t real.

Or are they?

Don’t blink!

– by The Black Widow