Ten Things The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Taught Me

You guessed it. Another article about the icons of RHOBH.

In its simplest form, RHOBH is a spin off of the popular Real Housewives franchise, showcasing the dramatic lives of glamorous women with more money than they know what to do with.

But underneath the ‘trashy reality’ exterior it has, this iconic show has some important life lessons for all kinds of people. From not being afraid to speak your mind, to ensuring you dress to the nines for a pyjama breakfast together, the ladies of Beverly Hills are full of knowledge and wisdom, and I am going to pass these nuggets of gold down to you. You’re welcome.

They probably don’t look impressed because someone didn’t listen to number nine. (Photo taken from Greg Palmer’s Flickr photostream)

1. Pat the puss
Self explanatory really. Thank you Erika Jayne.

2. Never put your handbag on the floor
This is a superstition I have never heard of before watching this show. The belief is that putting your bag on the floor indicates losing money as it goes right out the door. Now, you will never see me put my Coach on the floor, whether it’s near impossible to hang it up somewhere or not.

3. No matter how insignificant the problem may seem to you, bring it up
One thing that I’m trying to become better at as a human is validating my emotions and feelings; I’m allowed to feel however I naturally feel about a situation. And one of the things that the Housewives of Beverly Hills do well – whether if it’s scripted or otherwise induced – is bringing up their issues to the person who caused it. Whether it’s Joyce telling racist Brandi to stop calling her Jacqueline, or Queen Eileen telling LVP she didn’t appreciate her ‘affair’ being brought up at the dinner table, they’ve taught us that the most foolish words are the ones that are unsaid.

4. You can never spend too much on a bag
Designer fashion isn’t for everyone. However, designer fashion is definitely for me. And whether you’re a Kyle who would spend thousands on a bag just to flaunt it at brunch, or you’re an Eileen who has a more conservatively priced bag that would potentially draw the ire of Kathryn Edwards, it’s an unspoken rule among the ladies that there is no such thing as spending too much money on a bag.

5. There’s no such thing as ‘too dressed up’ for an occasion
Poor Denise was dragged way out of her comfort zone when she joined RHOBH, because you can only ever be underdressed when attending a function in Beverly Hills (even though she is Denise fucking Richards). Wearing designer fashion and heels to something as simple as a brunch or a protest march is a must, and let’s not forget it. And don’t let some hatin’ ass bitch judge you for wearing glam to a wellness retreat either.

6. Don’t accuse someone of having pretend amnesia
Yeah, Teddi.

7. Always bring a gift to someone’s house for any event
When a friend has invited you over to their home for an event, whether it’s a housewarming or a simple lunch, bring something as a gift. The ladies of RHOBH always take a gift to someone’s house, no matter how small the occasion may be. And for the extra lolz, if you don’t know what to take, take a box of Cadbury’s Favourites.

8. Avoid the ‘M’ word
An entire season was based around Lisa Rinna dropping the ‘M’ word. Do yourself a favour and don’t say it.

9. Don’t bring up dirty laundry at the dinner table
While it’s a recurring theme that all of the best arguments on RHOBH happen at the damn dinner table, one of the best lessons I’ve taken from the latest season was from sweet little Sutton, who kindly advised Teddi Mellentrampcamp to not bring up Denise’s business at the dinner table. And how right you are, Sutton Stracke.

10. Don’t invite a psychic to dinner
For the love of all that is holy, don’t do it. Don’t do it to yourself. The Dinner Party from Hell is called the Dinner Party from Hell for a reason.

Also, in relation to number 10… Allison Dubois, if you’re reading this – you’ve got mf issues hun.

– by The Black Widow

The Housewives of Beverly Hills: Ranked

You may be surprised to see who is number one.

During this Covid quarantine period, I’ve had to pick up new hobbies and interests; one of those being The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills thanks to my best friend Emilie. Before, I never would’ve seen myself get into a reality show like this, but now it’s become one of my most favourite pop culture things ever!

Who’s the best? And who’s the worst?

I started from season one in June and am now completely caught up to the most recent episode of season ten. I have seen friendships form and explode, drinks thrown across the table, gifted bunnies given back due to a fake superstition, and everything else that a trash reality TV show can provide.

During the show’s 10 seasons, they have featured 18 main cast housewives; this is not including the “friends” of the housewives such as Eden Sassoon and her iconic black wig. As such, Eden Sassoon and the other friends are not eligible for this list.

Emilie and I about to rank the shit out of these housewives.

While discussing this blog post with Emilie, she’s decided she wants to make her own list. So without further ado, here are mine and Emilie’s rankings of the Beverly Hills Housewives.

#18
Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave/Taylor Armstrong

N: Teddi is boring, and her attempts to not be boring just make her even more boring. Also, if you’ve been called a shirt stirrer three seasons straight, well maybe it’s time you look in the mirror.
E: Taylor is annoying and insecure.

#17
Brandi Glanville/Garcelle Beauvais

N: It never seemed like Brandi ever really fit in with the group. On top of that, she just seems like a horrible person that says shit about people and then hides behind the fact that she’s “just being honest”.
E: Garcelle was boring. She hardly showed up this season and started petty drama.

#16
Yolanda Hadid/Denise Richards

N: Not once during the entire show did I ever feel an ounce of sympathy for Yolanda. I didn’t relate to her in the slightest, and I found myself waiting for her to leave the show so we could get onto bigger and better things.
E: I loved Denise in season nine but season ten killed it.

#15
Kyle Richards/Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave

N: Kyle started as my favourite because she was Paris Hilton’s pretty aunt, but over the years, I have come to acknowledge that she isn’t as great as I thought she was, and she’s a schemer, and I am not okay with it.
E: Teddi’s boring and cries too much.

#14
Kim Richards/Kathryn Edwards

N: I sympathised with her struggles and her battles for maybe the first couple of seasons. After a while, I was over it, and if that makes me sound like a bitch, then so be it. She tended to use her alcoholism as an excuse to get away with shit, and the fact that she would always blame Kyle didn’t help her case either.
E: Kathryn was also boring.

#13
Lisa Rinna/Joyce Giraud de Ohoven

N: Someone who would’ve stayed high on this list had season 10 not happened, Lisa was a fun addition to the show because she’s so carefree and crazy. But then she showed her true colours in season 10 to Denise, and honestly what a piece of shit.
E: Joyce = boring.

#12
Camille Grammer/Carlton Gebbia

N: Camille would’ve been dead last had she not redeemed herself over the years. In season one, she was a deadset piece of shit; she had redeemed herself by season eight, just to show her shitty colours again in season nine.
E: Carlton was a witch.

#11
Kathryn Edwards/Camille Grammer

N: I was neither for nor against Kathryn. She was a nice albeit random addition to the housewives, and I can see why she didn’t last longer than one season. Having a private convo with Erika just to rat her out a couple of days later drops her a few spots on the list.
E: Camille tries too hard.

#10
Taylor Armstrong/Kyle Richards

N: Another one I didn’t really have a connection with, although I felt for her when she came out with her stories of abuse and domestic violence, and I’m so glad she’s out there living her best life with her new man now.
E: Kyle is obsessed with herself and is an attention seeker.

#9
Lisa Vanderpump/Kim Richards

N: LVP is a tricky one. I think she’s cool and amazing and glamorous, but she’s also a manipulator and you can tell she created all of the storylines for seasons 1-9 behind the scenes. Erika was right about her. She’s a sniper from the side, and she’s bloody good at it.
E: Kim is a hot mess but who isn’t?

#8
Garcelle Beauvais/Yolanda Hadid

N: Garcelle was a breath of fresh air for the show, and had big shoes to fill as the ‘replacement’ for LVP. Besides the fact that she was the first black housewife of Beverly Hills which was groundbreaking, she was also super funny and chill and was exactly what the show needed.
E: Yolanda was sweet and funny but she was conniving.

#7
Carlton Gebbia/Brandi Glanville

N: Carlton was bloody off chops and I was all for it. This Wiccan goddess attacking Kyle is one of my favourite memories from this show, and we were honestly robbed of more Carlton goodness by only having her on one season.
E: Brandi is a drunk mess!

#6
Dorit Kemsley/Lisa Vanderpump

N: Dorit is arguably the most stylish of the housewives, and is the reason why I am dying to get a Birkin. While I love her fashion and lifestyle, Dorit is notorious for making mountains out of mole hills, and I don’t understand her need for making shit out of nothing.
E: Lisa was a master manipulator. BRING LISA BACK!

#5
Joyce Giraud de Ohoven/Eileen Davidson

N: A beautiful addition to RHOBH that would’ve done better on later seasons of the show, this former beauty queen stood up for herself in the face of racism and bullying at the hands of Brandi Trashville, and I was all for it. Plus, her hair is simply out of this world.
E: Eileen was the realest housewife of them all.

#4
Erika Girardi/Lisa Rinna

N: Another housewife that would’ve been higher up on the list had season 10 not happened, Erika Girardi is the definition of fabulous. I actually live for Erika Jayne and am obsessed with her music, and her no fucks given attitude towards life is absolutely iconic. Just lay off the Denise attacks, hun.
E: She can’t help herself, and she owns it!

#3
Adrienne Maloof/Dorit Kemsley

N: The absolute best of the first three seasons of the show, Adrienne was the only level-headed and normal one of the housewives. She was usually the peacemaker of the group, but that didn’t mean she was boring at all. Plus I just want her lifestyle… chick is ballin’!
E: Dorit’s fashion is on point!

#2
Denise Richards/Erika Girardi

N: Denise Richards was the reason I started watching the show in the first place. A fan of hers from her Dr. Christmas Jones days, Denise took Adrienne’s role in season nine as the only chill and normal housewife of the group. Season ten is the only reason why she’s not in the number one spot, as her shady behaviour was a bit questionable, whether you believed her or not.
E: Pat the puss, honey!

#1
Eileen Davidson/Adrienne Maloof

N: I will not hear a single bad word about Eileen. If Adrienne and Denise were level-headed peacekeepers, then Eileen was a level-headed goddess. Never one to start drama for the sake of it, but never being afraid to speak her mind or bring up something that was bothering her, Eileen was without a doubt my favourite housewife of the entire series.
E: Adrienne was the voice of reason.

Did you have a different set of rankings to us? Who was your favourite housewife? Let us know in the comments! (But just know that if Eileen is anything less than number five, then I don’t want to hear it.)

– by The Black Widow/Emilie