Merry Christmas!

ONE MORE SLEEP UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!

The swaggiest dog in Aus also wishes you a Merry Christmas!

The swaggiest dog in the world also wishes you a Merry Christmas!

The twelve magic days of Christmas are coming to a close. As I write this, Carols by Candlelight is playing on the TV and I’m onto my sixth piece of shortbread of the day. I’m hiding from my extended family in the front room of our house because I can’t handle having all twelve of us in the same room at the same time (even though I’ve downed a few Gin Lime twists and I’m breathing like a zen master).

For those of you who enjoy spending time with your families (that are no doubt a million times more normal than mine), I hope you make the most of this magical time together. To those of you whose families are out of town or overseas, I offer you this cliché; Home is where the heart is. And I mean this in two ways. Firstly, your family knows you love them and they know you’re thinking of them. You are no doubt with them in spirit this festive season. Secondly, your home can be with be with the friends and family you have chosen to be with this Christmas.

Now, it may be the last day of Christmas (for SolSat at least, tomorrow is technically the real last day), but I hope you all remember to keep the spirit of Christmas in your hearts throughout 2014. Being kind, generous and caring towards one another is so important and yet we so often let our busy lives and our own irritations get in the way of that. I know I’m guilty of that myself, but I have my fingers crossed that together, we the amazing readers and writers of Solstice Satisfaction can make the world just a little bit cheerier in the future!

With that said, for the twelfth day of Christmas I simply want to wish each and every one of you a very merry Christmas and a safe and happy new year. I’m taking a break from the blogosphere to enjoy this time with my family and allow my hands time to relax after typing like a mad-man for twelve days straight.

Thank you for your ongoing support and encouragement these last few months.

All my love to you and your families this Christmas,

Blaire xx

– by Blaire Gillies

Practical Presents

No, I’m not talking about another kitchen appliance or undies in the Christmas stocking; I’m talking about a First Aid kit specifically marketed for dealing with the classic Christmas injuries and ailments mentioned in yesterday’s post.

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To prepare this gift (which is handmade, original and funny, so you’ve ticked all the boxes there) all you need is a hamper, some cellophane and a quick trip to Chemist Warehouse.

Breath mints – in anticipation of a Christmas kiss at your work break-up party.

Aspirin – for the Boxing Day hangover, or for the headache caused by being forced to watch the test match with people who inexplicably care about cricket.

Sunglasses – unfortunately, the sun is always brightest the morning after a big night.

Miniature Booze – hair of the dog. I recommend Tequila, but not everyone is a masochist.

Berocca – to help fight the aforementioned hangover and get help get back in to shape to start drinking again at lunch time.

Bacon – in my house, medicinal bacon is a thing and now that you’ve read this, it’ll no doubt be a thing at yours, too!

Gaviscon – because six helpings of roast and infinite dessert seemed like a great idea right up until it wasn’t anymore.

Band-aids – for the cuts and burns you got cooking your Xmas feast as well as the blisters you got dancing along with High-5 when watching Carols by Candlelight.

Arnica Cream – for the shiner your dad gave the seedy uncle for staring at your mother too long.

Ice Packs – for the genius who falls off the roof/step ladder/chair/back of the couch trying to decorate the house.

Aloe Vera gel – for the sunburn you got from falling asleep on the beach. White Christmas my arse.

A ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign – because Boxing Day shouldn’t start until midday; Grandmother’s just never seem to remember that rule.

An I.D bracelet with name, age, address, an emergency contact and blood type- for the drunken friend who feels that Christmas night is the appropriate time to rival Bear Grylls. They probably won’t make it past the mailbox, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

So while you’re out doing all your last minute gift shopping, make sure to stock up on these Christmas essentials. That way, you know your gift will be used and appreciated rather than stuck in a drawer along with yet another Mariah Carey Christmas CD from Great Aunty Edna.

– by Blaire Gillies

Nine Lords A Leaping…

While we’re all busily exclaiming what a wonderful time of the year Christmas is, we tend to forget the all the bad things that happen in December, too. The injuries we get as we rush around like crazy people trying to make the season as magical as we can.

We all go a little nuts at Christmas. Stress mixes with joy mixes with alcohol mixes with the general vexation at having to spend time with our extended families and we start to make mistakes. In fact, if OH&S had a say in the matter, the nine lords wouldn’t be allowed to leap. They’d be allowed to walk slowly and carefully in an orderly line to avoid hurting themselves and/or others.

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KITCHEN
Christmas Dinner is possibly the most important meal of the year. We’re out roasting pork in the webber, prawns on the bbq and all manner of baked goods in the oven for dessert. It is almost impossible to escape this meal unscathed – each year we all gain burn scars (battle scars) as a reminder of what a wonderful dinner we managed to serve our family despite all the hot grease and sharp knives that tried to thwart us.

THE TREE
I know you’ll hate me for saying this, but you are not as strong as you think. The Christmas tree you chose is actually heavier than you think. Trying to lug it around yourself will cause a hernia.

Also, the tree is no doubt much taller than you. If you’re trying to get the star to sit perfectly on top, please use a step ladder. Standing on your tiptoes on top of a chair balanced on a phonebook is not as genius as you might think.

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
Did you know that there are people out there who are Professional Light Installation Specialists? Their job is to set up full-on scaffolding and harnesses to use while they decorate your house. Why? Because every year, more than 10,000 Australians get admitted to hospital with injuries sustained from falling off their roofs while they put up the lights. The last thing you want to be eating at Christmas is applesauce because you’ve had your shattered jaw pinned shut.

I don’t know the statistic for this one, but a lot of DIY Dads end up in strife when they try to ‘fix’ last year’s Christmas lights and wind up electrocuting themselves.

FOOD
Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas in Aus without prawns on the barbie. Unfortunately, some novice chefs haven’t quite mastered seafood yet and wind up giving their family food poisoning for Christmas instead of a My Little Pony and a cricket set.

ALCOHOL
The number of booze-related injuries that happen over the Silly Season is astronomical. There is no limit to the hurt people inflict on themselves when they’re six or seven drink in. With that said, I warn against the obvious- don’t drink and drive. No matter how ‘fine’ you think you are, it’s not worth the risk.

Also, don’t run in heels, chop anything with a sharp knife, get in a bitch fight with your drunken Auntie, decide swimming would be a great idea at 2am, do table dancing or strip teases, wrestling,  lick anything you normally wouldn’t, jump of the roof because you’re “obviously Batman” or confess to your mother-in-law that, yes, her bum does look big… in everything.

Stay safe this Christmas!

– by Blaire Gillies

Pamper Your Pets this Christmas

Dogs are a man’s best friend and a woman’s truest love. They share the bed at night, get unconditional love and kisses and are –ironically – never put in the doghouse when they make mistakes or forget to bring in the washing.

We don't mean this pampered...

We don’t mean this pampered…

With that in mind, it is surprising, and a little disappointing, that most pets don’t get a visit from Santa each year.

The owner is always a pet’s priority. All they want to do is make the people around them happy but we’re often so caught up in our own hectic life to really give them the same devotion in return.

I propose that this Christmas, everyone gets their pets (or your parents’/friends pets if you don’t have one) a gift. And I don’t mean one measly pigs ear or a single packet of Shmackos. I’m talking a hamper full of little treats to remind them that, no matter how busy you get, they’re always on your mind.

My suggestions for Pooch Pampering Hampers:

A New Bed – Your dog would love a fancy new bed just as much as you would. Something soft and warm to snuggle into at night would make them very happy.

Dental Chews – This little stocking-filler is both delicious and good for your dog’s health.

Bone – head to your local butcher and buy your dog a bone. They love to gnaw on bones and the marrow is an excellent treat. Not ideal for inside dogs though!

Natural Smoked Pigs Ears – As they are not for every day consumption, pigs ears make a really nice treat for your dog every now and then.

Squeaky Toys – Despite the noise being seriously irritating, your dog will love them. Just remind yourself of how happy they are every time you feel like throwing the rubber chicken out the window!

Another Dog – If you’ve got the space and the love, a companion for your Pooch is a wonderful idea. Giving them another dog to play with while you’re out means they won’t get lonely and they’ll always have someone to play with!

And while I’m not a cat person, I understand that some of you have an inexplicable adoration of the things, so here is a is a list of what you get your feline friends:

A crown – All cats seem to think they are rulers of all that they see. A crown will just act as a reminder to you and your family that you in fact belong to them, and you’d better not forget it.

A Robe – Because royalty looks stupid in a crown and no clothes.

Catnip – as well as being royalty, your Cat is also likely to be involved in a stealth Mafia operation. Drugs are like currency to these people.

A new brush – Royals like to be pampered by their slaves. Yes…that means you

So while you’re out doing your last minute Christmas shopping your family, don’t forget to consider the animal members of the clan as well!

– by Blaire Gillies