Unthoughtful Gifts for Christmas

Posted in Lifestyle, Opinion by josefinahuq

It’s real simple, when you’re so close to someone that you decide to buy them a Christmas present, don’t half-ass it. This is a little list of what you shouldn’t get people if you actually give a hoot about them. By all means, if you hate them, use this as a shopping guide, or just buy whatever cheap crap Kmart has on its first display shelves.

Socks

And they’re always the daggy, long, white type.

How cute, little Johnny got his dad some snuggly socks for his cold Christmas feet, dad must be so touched by his generous offering. No Johnny, he’s not. Your dad hates you, and I hate you. Every time he puts on those socks he’s going to think of what an awful child you are. Anything, absolutely anything would be better than socks. What’s that Johnny? You drew a cute picture of yourself and dad? Good, frame that shit and give it to daddy, and next time you think of buying socks make sure that they’re for your feet only.

Exception: Buying this gift as a joke for a friend with no feet.

Soap

Wow! With all this soap I won’t be so smelly anymore!

It doesn’t matter what shape it comes in: bird, fish, tiny love hearts – it’s all shit. Keep in mind that people are typically very good with their hygiene, and they will use their own preferred brands rather than the two dollar, coffee-scented, cat-shaped soap you thought really reflected this person’s interests. Guess what – Personal hygiene is everyones interest, or at least it should be.

Exception: Buying this gift for a smelly, inanimate object.

Candles

Mmm.. Smells like Coles brand.

Now this one is a bit tricky because a genuinely good candle will be used and will last long, and picking a scent that is personalised to your loved one is a nice touch. A general rule would be, if you’re getting someone candles (which is a pretty lazy present, but I’ll forgive you), get it from a boutique candle store. Make sure it’s a good brand, because much like soap, if you get it from any dollars and cents store in one of those value bundle gift packs, this person will regift it and give it back to you next year, you heartless monster.

Exception: Buying this present for a person with a phobia of running out of candles.

Self-help Books

Thanks, but I like my reasonably terrible life the way it is.

It seems dumb, but I really do have to spell this one out: If you get this for someone their going to think that you assume they need some sort of help in their tragic life. This gift isn’t so much unthoughtful but just downright rude. Maybe if someone has expressed an interest in starting a hobby or learning more about x, then you can get them a book about x. When it’s something like Understanding Men, or Microwave Dinners for One, then it’s very unlikely you’ll be getting a present back.

Exception: If this gift is for yourself and it’s titled: How to not be a dick on Christmas.

Beauty Bundles

Such beauty… so cheap.

Geez, if you’re getting into this territory you’ve just given up. We all know that these packages of makeup or nail polish are the first things we come into contact with while Christmas shopping. They’re obviously cheap, impersonal and surprisingly rubbish – The nail polish comes off within an hour and the makeup is the consistency of chalk. Shame on you if you’ve ever purchased this for a loved-one you genuinely love.

Exception: Buying this gift for any child under the age of eight with a strong passion for budget beauty.

Anything Christmas-themed

No no no!

Christmas is for one day – one day out of three hundred and sixty five. This gift will be useful for maybe the week surrounding Christmas, but after that it will be considered pointless. It’s especially bad if you get it on Christmas day or later, because it’s something you won’t get to/have to use until another year has gone by, and by that time you would have thrown it out anyway. For the love of Santa, don’t get anyone a Santa.

Exception: If you’re an elf who gets paid in Christmas ornaments.

Perfume / Aftershave

*Heavy coughing and spluttering*

It doesn’t matter if you get the cheap shit from the chemist or the classy celebrity-labelled brands from David Jones – in the end it’s just cliché smelly stuff, and I don’t even know how that became a go-to gift. A perfume or aftershave is so personal, and people are very picky when it comes to their scent. You will either receive the brand you’ve always worn, which just means this person has been in your bathroom (not that they know you well), or you’ll get one that has about an eighty percent chance of making you ill. It seems nice, maybe because it’s a top-notch brand and this person has spent a butt-load of money on it, but the amount of dollars spent doesn’t make it a good and thoughtful present.

Exception: Buying this gift for someone who only has the sense of smell.

I’m not going to say this is the absolute definitive list, Even on top of the exceptions I’ve thought of there are many more. I just think more people should know that it’s really evident when no thought has been put into a present, and it causes awkward and unpleasant feelings in a relationship. It’s not always the case, but its possible that if you get someone an amazing and thoughtful present they will return the favour.

– by Josefina Huq

10Dec2013

Genuinely Good Children’s Television (Non-Cartoon Category)

Posted in Entertainment, TV by josefinahuq

It’s harsh truth time: we all have to admit to ourselves that not every show we watched as children were masterpieces; in fact, under the age of about eight we would watch any piece of fluoro-coloured crap that danced around on a screen in front of us. I was faced with this brutal reality after re-watching the first Power Rangers film, something I remember watching a bajillion times with my cousins and loving it. No surprise, it was a poo-poo platter of badness, and it made me feel sad for my tiny toddler brain.

Some shows and films should be left alone to stay a foggy but delightful memory of our childhoods, but I believe that a handful of shows we did watch aren’t just good for nostalgias sake, but good for their overall brilliance as television shows.

So here’s a short list of shows you should definitely not regret watching, and which I would recommend watching even now…

Round the Twist (1989-2001)

This show was some sort of beautiful gift, from our childhood lord and saviour Paul Jennings, a genius with kid’s stories. His writing translated well onto the screen, producing tales of suspense, mystery, and utter craziness without scaring its young audience. But what I loved most was the true blue Aussie-ness of it all, from the accents and lingo down to the rugged beachside landscapes – something that stuck out in front of the other American programming during that time. And I’m gonna go ahead and give it extra points for a hella-catchy theme song.

Art Attack (1990-2007)

Art Attack was a seamless integration of entertainment, education and creativity. There were so many things to love about it: Neil’s art space filled with over-sized paintbrushes, the funny ‘Head’ character with his silly accent, and of course the art itself was incredibly absorbing. The big birds-eye pictures Neil made out of different objects baffles me even now, and coupled with the really rad 90’s music it made it even more exciting. With this show both adults and children were entertained – and not solely for the allocated twenty minutes. I can’t even imagine the kind of devil child who wouldn’t want to ‘try it at home’ after watching this show, so the amusement dragged on way beyond the show itself. But apart from all that, Neil was a great host, and definitely deserves a round of applause – Because he wasn’t just a man who loved PVA glue, but one who loved to teach.

Tidbit: Neil went on to perform lead guitar in a British heavy metal band called Marseille.

Goosebumps (1995-1998)

I feel like this show doesn’t even need a write-up. It was scary, very scary, so scary I still have nightmares marked with big, green, gooey G’s. What Goosebumps did was get their already horrifying stories, make them come to life on a screen and provide it to children who otherwise would not be allowed to watch horror films – which I think is a great thing. Everybody likes a good scare, especially children, and I for one don’t think they get scared enough. Shows like this serve as an avenue for a love of the horror genre and a transition into reading – But most of all it had living dummies and phantoms and monster blood that were poop-your-pants frightening, but at the same time harmless fun. It does warn you beforehand: “Viewer, beware, you’re in for a scare!”

Tidbit: Ryan Gosling starred in the episode Say Cheese and Die.

The Muppet Show (1976-1981)

There’s just something about frantically shaking a frog puppet thats hilarious, and muppets had that down-pact. I always thought of this show as a children’s style SNL, or maybe a muppets style SNL? I’m actually still pretty confused about this show, because I could never tell if it was made primarily for adults or children, but either way I enjoyed watching it. When I talk to other people my age about it they show a certain disinterest, which I totally understand. It wouldn’t be the first pick on a rainy sunday afternoon, but solely based on its simple slapstick humour, cute and creepily-made hand puppets, and pun humour, I think Jim Henson did a damn fine job.

The Amanda Show (1999-2002)

This was never one of my favourites, but when it was on and nothing else was I watched it anyway. But watching a few episodes now I’ve realised that ten year old me was an idiot – It is so fucking funny. Sure there are some regular segments that fall flat, but most of it was outrageously hilarious, and it poked fun at adults and teenagers alike. I think people tend to forget pre-drugs Amanda Bynes, which is a damn shame, because she had the acting abilities, facial expressions and accents of a great comedy actor.

– by Josefina Huq

4Dec2013

Fear of Flying (Pteromerhanophobia)

Posted in Lifestyle by josefinahuq

A melody of scraping gears and spitting engines are disabling my ability to form a rational argument. A green light is glowing over my page, but I can’t look up because it shines from the seatbelt sign of doom – a sign that the plane will soon plummet to the earth with trims of fire, and nuts and bolts vital to the aircrafts structure will rain down against my window. These are the supposed last words of someone deathly afraid of airplanes.

Hang in there, buddy, you only have 22 hours to go.

A fear of flying (Pteromerhanophobia) is extremely common, but even so, as a fellow scaredy-cat, it seems that people still don’t fully grasp the concept. Most of us realise and acknowledge that the fear is highly irrational, so no amount of plane statistics or taunting will suddenly make us love these big metal birdies.

Many fears can be conquered with large amounts of exposure, but the average person doesn’t fly by plane as frequently as they do other modes of transport. This can lead to an acute fear of flying, and the inability to even step into an airport, which defeats the possibility of traveling to see distant family and friends or travelling for work.

What is more damaging than this, on top of the effect on your social and professional life, is developing a fear of the actual fear – basically wrapping the anxious thoughts in a scratchy blanket of super anxiety. This often happens to me, and more times than not the fear of my fear on the plane will engulf me even two days prior to my actual departure. Even a seemingly silly phobia can lead to full on anxiety, which can trigger super not fun things like depression.

So why? Why would anyone be scared by the safest way to travel? It is something a toddler can do, something millions of people do everyday – but here I am, writing to distract myself from the terror in my mind and the sweat on my palms.

It’s not as easy as pinpointing a traumatic experience and tracing your fear back to the event. This is true for some people, but truly most people are fearful because of their already established phobias. If you are afraid of any of the following things then you are highly susceptible to a fear of flying:

Heights

Small spaces

Panic attacks

Motion sickness

Turbulence

Terrorism

Not being in control

But the most common…

The plane crashing and you dying on impact

However, a lot of people, including myself, know that almost all major airlines that have crashed have had zero fatalities.

Like any other fear, this one doesn’t come with a handbook complete with quick fixes. Thankfully, because it is so common there is a bunch of information and helpful tips to help anyone overcome it. But in all my late night googling and browsing it seems that no one has said this: Everyone is different and every flight is different.

There are so many variables when flying that it is close to impossible to control every reaction you have; thoughts and feelings prior, levels of anxiety, length of the flight, portion of the flight, being accompanied – the only thing I could say that might be helpful is that it takes a lot of time and practice to get over, and sometimes you have to take it as a challenge to conquer, rather than a memory to suppress.

And now that my plane has landed and I’ve stopped crying, I have to prepare myself for the overwhelming embarassment. So for all my other scaredy-cats out there, the next time someone teases or looks down on you for this phobia, or any for that matter, just remember that absolutely everyone has an irrational fear – find their weakness and destroy them.

– by Josefina Huq

20Nov2013

Cronut / Dossant

Posted in Body, Food & Nutrition by josefinahuq

The Cronut seemed to me such a strange and unnecessary invention. For those who are not up to date with modern food, the Cronut is a delicate hybridisation of two much loved sweets; the croissant and doughnut. A much needed union in our dull baking world.

I can just imagine a little Mexican kid saying “Why can’t we have both?”

The inventor of Cronuts, Chef Dominique Ansel, stated that the technique took him two months and more than ten recipes to perfect. Fundamentally it is made with a croissant-like dough, deep-fried then either a) rolled in sugar, b) injected with cream or c) glazed. However the recipe varies depending on the bakery. Needless to say, any Cronut will fulfil all your fat requirements for the month.

However figure-destroying these sweets may be, the concept alone was enough to accumulate a substantial fan base. The result was horrifically long lines at bakeries at unreasonable times of the morning, and chefs willing to undertake the Cronut challenge. Unfortunately, the original Cronut resides in New York, so it was up to me to find the trendiest, up-to-datest bakery Melbourne could offer.

Tivoli Bakery in South Yarra attracted much interest for their pastries. But no, they did not have Cronuts at all; they had Dossants. For obvious copyright laws, the bakery couldn’t call their adaptation of the food by its original name but I think that the name Dossant is more fitting for the pastry. Something that rolls off the tongue, soft sounds for a soft sweet rather than the less appealing Cronut.

Neatly lined up behind a glass cabinet and awaiting my hunger were the holy Dossants, available in two flavours; chocolate strawberry and vanilla strawberry. Before long, a Dossant arrived at my table and its plump presentation, sugar coating and slivers of strawberry and chocolate in the centre were nearly enough to win me over.

Its beauty was of no surprise; after all, the bakery is known for their gorgeous looking gourmet doughnuts. I knew the real test would lie in the tasting. The sugar coating was a soft grain, none of that coarse Donut King cinnamon. The pastry itself was incredibly fluffy, and not too sweet, that is until I got to the semi-hard chocolate in the middle which, although was rich, suffocated the flavour of strawberry. In fact, the intended flavour of the Dossant was muted entirely by the Dossant pastry itself. Despite this, it was scrumptious.

The food resembled a doughnut more than anything else, which lead me to my final critique of it; The Dossant is basically a glorified Churro. It holds a large resemblance to traditional Spanish Churro; smooth and fluffy on the inside and coated in fine sugar. This thought did not occur to me until I was finished eating because the food was still delightful, however derivative.

The Dossant may just be a Churro that has been tied up at the ends, but to this I would say – so? It may not have been the spectacular game-changer of food that it was in my mind, but based on taste it was just as delicious as the best croissant or doughnut I have eaten. Many look at the Cronut and ask why? But to ask questions of such a thing is useless because the novelty of it is that it exists solely because it can.

– by Josefina Huq

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Author Archives: josefinahuq

Fear of Flying (Pteromerhanophobia)

Cronut / Dossant