And now for a self-indulgent post.

Hello Widow’s Lureans. I know I’m super inconsistent with posting on here, but it’s actually a goal on my vision board to write more and post more on here. So to quickly catch you up to speed on the past couple of years of my life:

– My parents have been living in Fiji for the past three years, which means I’ve been living in their house rent free so I could save more spend more money on clothes and beauty. Nikki maintenance is very expensive.
– Still at the same job which I enjoy most of the time.
– Still wrestling, still slaying in the ring and out. Still paired with my soulsister Frankie B, while also exploring solo opportunities as well.
– Had a crew film a documentary on me which premiered at the Mardi Gras Film Festival 2026 and was a hit with the people in attendance.

Just a casual documentary. You know, no biggie.

Talk about length. Talk about drama. Talk about stones. Talk about comfort.

The aptly named Heel Turn focuses on myself and how I navigate the wrestling world as a queer transwoman of colour and how wrestling has helped and harmed me. But specifically, how I play a villainous character (heel) when society villainises parts of my identity that I can’t control anyway.

Over three separate days of filming (training at the PWA Academy, performing on a show in a match against Cosmo Cooper, and capturing some moments of me at my home), the wonderful crew worked with me to capture the real moments that show public Nikki and the vulnerable Nikki all wrapped up in an eight minute short film/documentary. Not only did I show them Nikki Van Blair, the ultra glamorous, confidently sexual and magnetically bitchy Queen Bee, but they also interviewed the somewhat serious, outspoken and unapologetic Nikki Hamilton, and in those moments, I found that I learned a few things about myself that I wasn’t consciously aware of before. I’m very intrigued by the psychology of humans and how everyone is fundamentally different from each other, and as someone who is as self-reflective as me – some would say I am too self-reflective –  I love discovering new things about myself, why I do things the way I do, and why I react to things the way I do.

So as an interesting thought piece, I wanted to share a few things with you that I learned about myself during or after the filming of Heel Turn with this fabulous crew.

1. I don’t have emotional walls built up; I have a door that I control.
We all know the saying that someone has walls built up to protect themselves from getting hurt. These walls can be beneficial, but in turn it stops people from getting to know the real you. I participated in a podcast interview for LGBT In the Ring with the director of the film Isabella, and she made a comment that I have a wall built up. I understand why she came to that conclusion because I know I do have a very noticeable public persona, but I respectfully disagree with her labelling. I don’t have a wall that people need to chip down or hurdle over; I have a door that I willfully control, and I can freely let people who deserve it into my inner thoughts and feelings and become vulnerable with them if and when I choose to. This documentary wouldn’t have worked if I refused to get raw and real with the team, and I found it easy to not only show them the Queen Bee, but also the woman who walks through life and navigates the wrestling world carrying an invisible burden through spaces that no one else has to think about. And that’s because I control that door, and I control that door handle.

2. I watch way too much Real Housewives
Now I’m very aware that I watch too much Real Housewives, but the actual point I want to make here is new to me. There is a point where the crew asked me how I felt after planning my match with Cooper, and by all means it was an easy and seamless experience as Cooper is great at what he does, he’s a professional, and I trust him not only as an opponent but as a friend as well. But because watching rich women scream at dinners has become second-nature to me, and knowing what they have to do as part of their job to create drama and entertainment, I brought up a small point of contention to the cameras between Cooper and I during the planning conversation. This was not fake or ‘produced’ in any way as it was something that I had genuinely felt in the moment. However, it was such a small thing to note that not mentioning it would’ve honestly sufficed, but because I’m a Bravo-holic, I brought it up. Because I know what makes good TV. Thank you Tamra Judge.

3. My story in wrestling is a lot more interesting than I originally thought, and is one that needs to be told
I feel like everyone can relate to this. Because I am living my own life in real time and experience everything I experience, none of it seems overly fascinating or interesting to me since it’s all real to me. But talking to the crew about everything in my life, personally and professionally in wrestling, and them being so fascinated with the everyday workings of my life, actually made me realise that my story is interesting. Not only that, but verbally coming to the realisation with the crew that I’ve knocked down a lot of doors for future queer folk in Aus wrestling, helped me realise that my story is a story that needs to be told. Because who doesn’t like a real story of someone who has to fight through discrimination, invisible walls, and moving through spaces with an extra weight on their shoulders, and creating a legacy for others to catapult off, because in reality that’s what I’m doing, and it’s incredibly humbling to realise.

I know that I take a lot of time to look within myself and self reflect, again some might say that I do that too much, but making these realisations about myself during or after the filming of the documentary have helped me to understand myself more and acknowledge that my journey in Australian professional wrestling is full of unchartered waters and untrodden path that will helpfully make it easier for future wrestlers of all the tribes that I proudly represent – Pacific Islanders, LGBTQIA+, women.

While the Mardi Gras Film Festival – and its on demand service – has ended, Heel Turn might be popping up in new online places, so keep your eyes and ears out because this short film will make you laugh, make you reflect, and might even make you cry. If I dare say so myself.

And you might even learn a new thing or two about me after watching it.

– by The Black Widow