Easter as an Atheist

Every guy knows that you should wait three days before calling a girl you like. It’s just standard practice that, apparently, started about 2000 years ago.

Our main man J-Christ had dinner with some mates and his “just-a-friend” Mary one Thursday night, fell super hard for the blonde bombshell and felt the need to go underground- the old-school equivalent of turning off his iPhone- for three days to make sure he didn’t call her before noon on Sunday. Nobody wants to look too eager. Nobody wants to look too boring, either, and our leading lad knew that coming back from the dead was a pretty cool way to stand out from all the other guys who had pizza and beer with Miss Mags.

"Three days, bro. Trust me."

“Three days, bro. Trust me.”

Like anything, over the last couple of millennia the exact origins of Easter have turned into a bit of a game of Chinese Whispers. Somehow we’ve gone from the mourning/celebrating the life, death and undeath of the world’s saviour to hunting for Easter eggs while parents bemoan the cost of petrol over the long weekend and the difficulties of roadtripping with three kids on a sugar high.

Also, someone needs to explain how a rabbit handing out eggs came into the picture and why nobody thinks that is at all bizarre. I have a lot of questions about that, but we won’t go into them. All I will say is that nobody who has seen Donny Darko should feel comfortable about letting their children go up to rabbits handing out chocolate in the streets…

Me, sixteen years ago. I think I'm still the same height.

Me, sixteen years ago. I think I’m still the same height.

Those of you who have followed me on SolSat will know that I’m a bit cynical (I know what you’re thinking- “just a bit? Ha”, but shut up. Let’s be optimistic). I’m not against religion, I just don’t hold any theological beliefs myself. I’m aware of the hypocrisy that comes with celebrating a holiday I don’t believe in so when it comes to Easter, I, like most atheists, get to pick and choose what I want to put my faith in.
– Chocolate eaten at Easter has no calories.
– Hot Cross buns are a source of happiness, not carbs.
– Chicken is an acceptable replacement for fish on Good Friday. So is steak.
– Whether I believe in it or not, I’ll always support a four day weekend.
– Sunday is a good day for a feast.
– ‘Bright Monday’ sounds about as legit as Bonza Bottling Day but unlike BBD, this one is a public holiday so I’ll eat left-over hot cross buns and keep my opinions to myself.

One thing I think we an all agree on though, no matter our religion, creed, or gender (I’d say age, but kids are more concerned with the chocolate than anything else), is that the most important Easter tradition is spending time with the people we love. I know it sounds trite, but it’s true. Holidays like this, whether they’re actually real like Thanksgiving in America or “real” like Easter and Christmas, bring people together.

The other theory of Easter is of course that Jesus just had a really big night out on $3 Thursday at the local tavern and couldn’t get out of bed until Sunday so for those of you planning a big weekend, don’t feel guilty. For this weekend, and this weekend only, there is an 11th commandment: “Don’t do as I say, do as I do.” Basically, have a bloody good weekend and forget all the rules. You’ve got Monday off to nurse the hangover, so enjoy yourself.

Happy Easter everyone!

 by Blaire Gillies

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