I hate this movie so much. Like, don’t even get me started.

So I was sitting at home innocently minding my own business, when something reminded me of one of the worst experiences of my life. One day I took the time out of my busy schedule to sit down and watch Something Borrowed, and I regret it with every fibre of my being. I mean, Kate Hudson is on it (arguably my favourite actress of all time)… what could possibly go wrong?

If you hadn’t gathered by now, I hate this movie and everything went wrong. Well, no, that’s a lie. John Krasinski was lovely in this movie, but besides him, everything went wrong about this film. Not even Kate Hudson could save it.

And you know I hate it if I am dedicating an entire post on my blog to this piece of shit.

Let me catch you up to speed, and in case you want to punish yourself and watch it after reading this stinky review, then I must warn you that there are SPOILERS AHEAD REGARDING THIS HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MOVIE.

This film actually needs to go fuck itself.

Something Borrowed is a shit romance film released in 2011 featuring Kate Hudson, John Krasinski, Ginnifer Goodwin and some other bloke… had to look his name up, and his name is Colin Egglesfield. It’s currently playing on Netflix which is where I was unfortunate enough to witness it. Basically, Ginnifer’s character Rachel is best friends with Hudson’s character Darcy, the latter of which is engaged to Egglesfield’s character Dex. Nekk minnit, Rachel is banging Dex and they continue to see each other and fall in love while Dex is soon to marry Darcy.

So far, Rachel and Dex are shitheads. Okay. We good?

Krasinski’s character Ethan meanwhile admits he has feelings for Rachel, but Rachel would rather be a homewrecking whore than date a completely available man who is also hella good looking so Rachel is like “Yeah nah aye”. Ethan finds out that Rachel is a slut and Dex is a scumbag, but agrees to keep their secret because he is a nice guy.

If you’re keeping score at home, Rachel and Dex are shitheads. And Ethan is a Godsend.

Throughout this entire film, you’re led to believe that Darcy is a bitch who is shown to be controlling and demanding over both Rachel and Dex. I don’t know if this is meant to make you sympathise with Rachel and Dex, but it didn’t work, because as we have established, they are both shitheads. So basically, instead of hating Darcy, you’re actually feeling for her because all of this is going on behind her back and she doesn’t know about it. Also, Kate Hudson is amazing.

Aaaaaand that doesn’t last long because it turns out that Darcy is cheating on Dex with his friend Marcus (played by Steve Howey) and doesn’t even care about it.

So that means Rachel, Dex AND Darcy are all shitheads. I guess Marcus could be added to that list as well. So we have four shitheads and Ethan.

But wait. It gets worse.

As Darcy is admitting that she is casually having an affair to her best friend, she finds Dex’s jacket in Rachel’s apartment, realises that Rachel is banging Dex and he is listening to their conversation, AND THEN has the nerve to breakdown and cry because her fiance is cheating on her with her best friend, even though she literally just admitted that she is also cheating. I love you Kate Hudson, but your character is a shithead.

But wait. There’s more.

Rachel and Dex don’t even really apologise. They’re just like “Yeah soz babe we love each other and we don’t love you so deal with it.” Dex and Darcy end it, and Darcy ends her friendship with Rachel. And neither of them don’t care because they found happiness in each other, the wankers. Darcy also ends up dating Marcus.

So basically everyone in this movie who is a shithead has a happy ending meanwhile the only likeable character played by John Krasinski ends up moving to London and remaining single in his sea of cheating friends.

The atrocity isn’t over yet. A flash forward reveals that Darcy is preggaz with Marcus’ baby but apparently isn’t with him anymore. And Rachel and Dex are still shitheads. And Darcy travels to London to try it with Ethan even though he is a lovely guy and she’s a piece of shit who is pregnant to a deadbeat who doesn’t even like her in the end.

If you have kept up with me thus far, then you should realise why I hate this film so much. The only character in this entire film that you have any sort of sympathy towards has a bad ending, while all the cheaters and liars and all around terrible people have happy endings. That is the only moral you can take from this film which, funnily enough, lacks any real morals.

Even if you look at this from an acting point of view, it’s still a terrible film. Despite decent performances from Hudson and Krasinski, this shitty shit fest still bombs to the point that I, a 24-year-old man, regret spending the approximate 112 minutes watching this piece of crap because I didn’t get anything of value out of it. Maybe besides visual gonorrhoea.

Tl;dr: Imagine being the only member of your friendship group who isn’t a lying cheating scumbag and being the only one without a happy ending = this film.

– by The Black Widow