There is an art to talking your way out of a fine, whether that be for speeding, careless driving or something as little as driving with no plates on. Obviously, this will probably not apply to the heavier fines like going 100 km/h over the speed limit or driving on the wrong side of the road, but you can sure as hell try these tips if you want.

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I’d like to think that I have experience in this department as I have successfully charmed my way out of two fines in my life. In one instance, I got my way out of a whopper by smiling, giggling, genuinely apologising for what I had done and charming the shoes off both of the officers that had stopped me. This may be awkward because I don’t even think I told my parents about these… oops.

Girls think that all they have to do is wear a low cut top and wiggle their chest around but unless they have a valid excuse to back that up, it’s not going to work. That is the key to talking your way out of a fine – you can’t just sweet-talk, you have to have an excuse. For example, if you were caught speeding, blame the other guy behind you who was honking at you to go faster. This is the foundation of getting out of a fine so when you see those lights and hear that siren, think of something – fast.

Another misconception of fine escaping is sucking up to the officer. Please don’t. They see right through that and will be quicker to slap a fine on you faster than you can say “You look very lovely tonight”. If you’re going to chat to the officer, be sorry – I mean absolutely sorry. Apologize for whatever you had done, throw in your excuse in there somewhere, say you’ll never do it again. Show through your actions how sorry you are. May I suggest dramatic hand gestures?

Now this may seem a little degrading or even ridiculous to some, but it wouldn’t hurt if you temporarily decreased your IQ by about 10 points when pulled over. The po-po are more likely to fine someone who is wildly aware of the crime they have committed but they’ll probably be more lenient on someone who is blissfully unaware of what they had done. Example: “I switched lanes without proper indication? Get out, I didn’t even notice”. Worked for me. In saying that, if you sound like you’re being facetious by saying “I didn’t know red meant stop”, then you will be fined. Blissfully unaware, not moronic.

Now for a piece of advice you are told in nearly every aspect of life: smile. Smile when they approach you, smile when they speak to you. Why? Because if you’re sitting there with a sullen look on your face looking like a great target for boxing practice, then they won’t want to deal with you and fine you so fast your head will be spinning. In regards to smiling, also speak positively to the police. Don’t cry “Wo is me!” for being pulled over. Keep up a happy disposition even though your insides are doing flips and you may just get out of losing a few hundred buckeroos. The police like it when you speak to them with respect.

The next time you are caught with reckless driving or doing something else unlawful on the roads, remember these easy tips and you may drive away scot free. Don’t forget to breathe and smile and greet the officer. And always remember: HAVE AN EXCUSE READY! SolSat won’t be there to help you.

– by The Black Widow