Call me a bitch, but I hate those letters people send with their Christmas cards. You know the ones- the thinly veiled bragging about their overly pretentious children and photos of their dogs dressed as elves.
The way I see it, if we’re truly close friends/family, I already know all the exciting things happening in your world. I’ve followed your entire life story on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest. I don’t actually want a hard-copy letter exceeding 140 characters because there’s almost no chance I care enough to read the whole thing.
As I read through a few stashed in Xmas cards sent to my parents, I picked up on the basic formula fairly quickly. So, for those of you who have yet to send out your annual family newsletter, here’s a template for you to work with. Just fill in the blanks and you’re all set.
Can you believe how quickly this year has gone!? I sure can’t. Eldest Son has recently graduated from Melbourne University and with Honours in Biomedical Science! We’re so proud. He single- handedly cured cancer, saved small children from a burning building and scored a modelling contract with David Jones. Middle Child has met a new guy who fits in so well with the family. They’ve recently travelled overseas and are already busy planning their next adventure. Middle Child and Her Man are now proud parents!!!! Attached is a photo of their puppy, Fido. He’s our special boy!
Youngest Son has just finished year 11 and is anxiously awaiting the new year to begin studying. He has also been made school captain, house captain, bus captain, footy captain, Prime Minister and Batman. Such an amazing role model! Hubby is still slaving away at the bank every day, but he loves his job so no sign of retiring yet. We’re still playing couples tennis with the Smiths on the weekend, although I’ll need to buy a bigger skirt soon (ha ha). As for me, I’m still doing the same old thing- living off the fortune Hubby makes every day, but complaining about my stressful life. Being tall, blonde and in my mid-fifties is such a drag. Mrs What’s-Her-Name from next door has planted a new shrub in her yard, but the shade of green clashed with Eldest Son’s Jag, so I called the Homeowner’s Association to deal with it. Of course she found out about this from Mr Over-The-Road’s wife, the nosy little B. Some people can’t keep their noses out of it. Well, that’s all from us here in Brighton. Hoping you are well and wishing you all the best for 2014. Regards, Your Name.
Then you get those people who move beyond bragging and into the realms of blatant over-sharing. The extra- long paragraphs about all the injuries and illnesses they’ve suffered in the past twelve months and various statistics they found on the internet about their increasing morality rate.
Jerry went to the doctor in June for his regular colonoscopy. He turned to the doctor and said “Doc, you could at least buy me a drink first” (That one always cracks up Dr Hiney). Things are looking good, but he’s up for a prostate check next. Keep your fingers crossed for good news!
I much prefer the super-generic;
Pre-Printed Christmas Greeting
Signed, sealed and sent in under five minutes. If I really love you, I’ll call you on Christmas. Or add you to a mass-text MMS of a funny Christmas picture. It’s way more heartfelt.
– by Blaire Gillies