Introducing a new segment to Solstice Satisfaction that I’m sure a lot of you out there can relate to – You Know What Sh!ts Me? Basically, an opinion on what really grinds my gears… what really irritates me… what really gets my blood pumping, and not in the good way either. These opinions may be contentious and/or very strongly expressed and I encourage the disclaimer that this is my opinion and you are free to oppose it in the comments or an angry e-mail.

Today’s topic: the morons who use public transport.

Think twice before you hop on one of these. (SOURCE: Mark Hillary’s Flickr photostream)

There are several types of morons who catch public transport, and I’m going to identify every single one of them. Please, if you are one of these morons, sort yourself out for the rest of us. Please.

Moron #1: Hot Seat Moron
These are the ones who change seats on the bus or train like it’s going out of fashion. I was sitting at the back one day and I watched this woman walk onto the bus and sit down. She didn’t seem satisfied, however, as she got up and moved to another seat two back. Nope. Still not satisfied. She got up again and moved to the other side of the bus. Umm… what? I literally didn’t see the point in that. Unless there was some invisible man threatening her that I didn’t see, I honestly don’t understand the logic behind that. This moron is also the moron that reluctantly takes a seat next to someone on the bus/train and then gets up and moves as soon as a seat is free. Like, what is the point? You’re not going to catch anything by sitting next to a stranger. I find this as rude as it is unnecessary. I see this happen way more than it should.

Moron #2: Bags-don’t-have-arses Moron
Yeah. These ones are the ones who put their bags onto the seat next to them and don’t even think to move them when people are filing onto the mode of transport. They will only VERY RELUCTANTLY move their belongings when someone politely asks if they may sit there. I’d hate to break it to you, but your bag or laptop case or cake tin actually doesn’t have an arse and therefore doesn’t really need to have a seat. That struggling woman with four bags slung over her shoulder probably does. Common sense people. We were all born with it, so use it.

Moron #3: Complaining Moron
How often do we see on social media people complaining about the public transport system? “Bus was two minutes late… FML”. “Bus driver charged me 10cents more than what he should have. #gokillyourself”. Like seriously, go plant a tree or something. There are bigger problems than public transport not going out of its way to accommodate one person. Your train is delayed? Big whoop. Would you rather walk the 20+km to work? I didn’t think so. The bus driver charged you adult fare even though you have a concession card that you left at home? Not his bloody fault you’re forgetful. The main point I’m trying to get across is this: these people are getting paid to do the public a great deal of service, and they have to put up with ignorant morons like this all day every day. They are getting you from A to B for a very cheap rate. I don’t know about you but I personally would rather deal with minor unpleasantries than walk to and back from Surry Hills twice a day, three days a week.

Moron #4: Un-chivalrous Moron
I have this unspoken rule I keep to myself when it comes to public transport. If a woman comes onto the bus/train and there are free seats, I will keep my seat. Even if she chooses to stand up for some odd reason because she doesn’t want to take that free seat, I will remain seated. It’s not my fault she doesn’t want to sit there. However, if a woman comes onto the bus/train and there are no free seats, I will offer her said seat and make her take it. The same can be said for the elderly. From my recent observations, I have noticed that I am the only one who will get up and do this or, if you’re lucky, another man will do the same. Most men just sit there, playing ignorance, while struggling women are standing up. This is a deadset joke. I honestly do not care if you had a slack day at work or your tutor yelled at you, if a woman is standing up on a full bus, you offer her your damn seat. One time on a train, a pregnant woman holding her baby was standing up while a bunch of suited blokes sat down on their smartphones, and it took a brave man yelling “Is somebody going to get up for her?!” to cause some action.

Moron #5: There-is-no-room-for-you-in-the-inn Moron
Exclusive to most buses, this moron is the one who just doesn’t get the fact that the seat was made for one person. Or two really, really skinny people. The front two seats at the bus (at least the ones I catch) are narrower than the normal two seater, therefore they are really only made for one person. Sometimes I take this seat so I can have a nap on the bus and know I won’t awkwardly elbow someone next to me. Sometimes when I wake up from this nap, however, there is someone trying to sit on the half-a-centimetre space left of the seat, and they are awkwardly shuffling on one foot, trying to balance their arse on the non-existent space. This may be me coming off as selfish… BUT YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.

There. End rant. That felt good.

Please… if you are any one of these people.

Sort. Your. F#$%ing. Life. Out.

– by The Black Widow