Why Something Borrowed Needs To Be Undone

I hate this movie so much. Like, don’t even get me started.

So I was sitting at home innocently minding my own business, when something reminded me of one of the worst experiences of my life. One day I took the time out of my busy schedule to sit down and watch Something Borrowed, and I regret it with every fibre of my being. I mean, Kate Hudson is on it (arguably my favourite actress of all time)… what could possibly go wrong?

If you hadn’t gathered by now, I hate this movie and everything went wrong. Well, no, that’s a lie. John Krasinski was lovely in this movie, but besides him, everything went wrong about this film. Not even Kate Hudson could save it.

And you know I hate it if I am dedicating an entire post on my blog to this piece of shit.

Let me catch you up to speed, and in case you want to punish yourself and watch it after reading this stinky review, then I must warn you that there are SPOILERS AHEAD REGARDING THIS HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MOVIE.

This film actually needs to go fuck itself.

Something Borrowed is a shit romance film released in 2011 featuring Kate Hudson, John Krasinski, Ginnifer Goodwin and some other bloke… had to look his name up, and his name is Colin Egglesfield. It’s currently playing on Netflix which is where I was unfortunate enough to witness it. Basically, Ginnifer’s character Rachel is best friends with Hudson’s character Darcy, the latter of which is engaged to Egglesfield’s character Dex. Nekk minnit, Rachel is banging Dex and they continue to see each other and fall in love while Dex is soon to marry Darcy.

So far, Rachel and Dex are shitheads. Okay. We good?

Krasinski’s character Ethan meanwhile admits he has feelings for Rachel, but Rachel would rather be a homewrecking whore than date a completely available man who is also hella good looking so Rachel is like “Yeah nah aye”. Ethan finds out that Rachel is a slut and Dex is a scumbag, but agrees to keep their secret because he is a nice guy.

If you’re keeping score at home, Rachel and Dex are shitheads. And Ethan is a Godsend.

Throughout this entire film, you’re led to believe that Darcy is a bitch who is shown to be controlling and demanding over both Rachel and Dex. I don’t know if this is meant to make you sympathise with Rachel and Dex, but it didn’t work, because as we have established, they are both shitheads. So basically, instead of hating Darcy, you’re actually feeling for her because all of this is going on behind her back and she doesn’t know about it. Also, Kate Hudson is amazing.

Aaaaaand that doesn’t last long because it turns out that Darcy is cheating on Dex with his friend Marcus (played by Steve Howey) and doesn’t even care about it.

So that means Rachel, Dex AND Darcy are all shitheads. I guess Marcus could be added to that list as well. So we have four shitheads and Ethan.

But wait. It gets worse.

As Darcy is admitting that she is casually having an affair to her best friend, she finds Dex’s jacket in Rachel’s apartment, realises that Rachel is banging Dex and he is listening to their conversation, AND THEN has the nerve to breakdown and cry because her fiance is cheating on her with her best friend, even though she literally just admitted that she is also cheating. I love you Kate Hudson, but your character is a shithead.

But wait. There’s more.

Rachel and Dex don’t even really apologise. They’re just like “Yeah soz babe we love each other and we don’t love you so deal with it.” Dex and Darcy end it, and Darcy ends her friendship with Rachel. And neither of them don’t care because they found happiness in each other, the wankers. Darcy also ends up dating Marcus.

So basically everyone in this movie who is a shithead has a happy ending meanwhile the only likeable character played by John Krasinski ends up moving to London and remaining single in his sea of cheating friends.

The atrocity isn’t over yet. A flash forward reveals that Darcy is preggaz with Marcus’ baby but apparently isn’t with him anymore. And Rachel and Dex are still shitheads. And Darcy travels to London to try it with Ethan even though he is a lovely guy and she’s a piece of shit who is pregnant to a deadbeat who doesn’t even like her in the end.

If you have kept up with me thus far, then you should realise why I hate this film so much. The only character in this entire film that you have any sort of sympathy towards has a bad ending, while all the cheaters and liars and all around terrible people have happy endings. That is the only moral you can take from this film which, funnily enough, lacks any real morals.

Even if you look at this from an acting point of view, it’s still a terrible film. Despite decent performances from Hudson and Krasinski, this shitty shit fest still bombs to the point that I, a 24-year-old man, regret spending the approximate 112 minutes watching this piece of crap because I didn’t get anything of value out of it. Maybe besides visual gonorrhoea.

Tl;dr: Imagine being the only member of your friendship group who isn’t a lying cheating scumbag and being the only one without a happy ending = this film.

– by The Black Widow

Character Profile: Colby “Coop” Cooper

To make The Heart Wants What It Wants a bit more accessible and interactive, I have constructed profiles on the main characters from this novel for your entertainment.

It is important to note that these picture bases of the characters are the most accurate physical portrayal of the character out there and not the actual character. Without further ado, here is the fourth and final character profile!

Colby “Coop” Cooper
“The Gentle Giant”

Full name: Colby Cooper, but please just call me Coop
Age: 27*
Date of birth: September 27, 1987
Star sign: Taurus
Height: Six-foot-four
Weight: 244lbs
Hair colour: I just thought it was blond, but apparently it’s sandy blond
Eye colour: Brown
Occupation: Risk management consultant… in other words, I clean up other people’s shit.
Notable physical features: I worked long and hard for this big beard of mine. I’m very proud of – oh, you meant like tattoos or piercings? Then no, I don’t have any.
Hobbies include: If you asked me a few months ago, I would’ve said drinking. But now that I’m a changed man, I like working out and getting together with friends.
One day I wish to be: The most sought-after shit cleaner in all of Australia!
Favourite food: I love all kinds of food. I love a good chicken parmy – because it’s a bloody parmy, not a parma -, I love steak and ribs… oooh ribs! I could go for some ribs right now, with a side of fries and mashed potato… I’ve lost my train of thought… what did you want to know again?
Least favourite food: Not that I hate salad, but I will never understand why people eat out at restaurants and order salads. You can make that at home!
Favourite movie: The entire Godfather film series. Oh come on! Who doesn’t?
Least favourite movie: Marley and Me. If you can sit there and say that you can watch that movie without crying, then you aren’t human. Or you’re a bloody liar.
If I could be someone else for a day, I’d be: Marlon Brando, either when he was young and handsome, or old and the Godfather.
Favourite musician: Jason Aldean.
Favourite song: The Highwayman by Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings and Kris Kristofferson. Did you know that this was the song that made them become the Highwaymen? I guess it’s kind of suggested in the song title…
Favourite book: The Godfather by Mario Puzo… oh don’t act so shocked.
Favourite TV series: Mad Men. Always had a bit of a thing for Jon Hamm.
Likes: I love eating, because you don’t get this damn big by eating a salad. I love spending time with my friends and family… I’m a self-admitted mummy’s boy, and we go on dates every now and then. Hey! I’m a gentle giant! I can’t help it. Did I mention I love eating ribs?
Dislikes: I can’t think of anything off the top of my head, but once I had this client who was adamant that I hadn’t done my job properly, even though I got them out of debt and put them back in the positive. If I wasn’t a calm gentleman, I swear I would’ve punched this moron in the face… oh, I guess that means I dislike stupid people.
Quote to live by: “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” ~ Don Vito Corleone

To purchase The Heart Wants What It Wants, click this link here for several e-book purchasing options.

– by The Black Widow

*Age at the time of this novel

Character Profile: Jordan McMahon

To make The Heart Wants What It Wants a bit more accessible and interactive, I have constructed profiles on the main characters from this novel for your entertainment.

It is important to note that these picture bases of the characters are the most accurate physical portrayal of the character out there and not the actual character. Without further ado, here is the third character profile!

Jordan McMahon
“New Girl in Town”

Full name: Jordan McMahon
Age: 24*
Date of birth: April 24, 1990
Star sign: Taurus
Height: Five-foot-seven
Weight: A lady never reveals her weight!
Hair colour: Dark, almost black
Eye colour: Green
Occupation: Full-time carer for my grandfather Joe
Notable physical features: I have my ears pierced, and I wouldn’t mind getting a small tattoo or two if they had a special meaning.
Hobbies include: I know it sounds childish, but I LOVE playing arcade games! You could leave me at an arcade, work 9-5, come back, and I will still be there. I love spending time with my immediate and extended family, and I love doing cute things with Jase.
One day I wish to be: A mother. What girl doesn’t?
Favourite food: I LOVE Mexican food. Have you ever been to Pablo’s? AMAZING. The spicier, the better. Also, choccy milk. Can’t go wrong with choccy milk.
Least favourite food: Seafood. Or strawbee milk. Who drinks strawbee milk over choccy milk
Favourite movie: Clueless. It’s a must have for every girl’s collection.
Least favourite movie: I can’t stomach horror movies. Blood and guts… yuck!
If I could be someone else for a day, I’d be: Audrey Hepburn!
Favourite musician: Ariana Grande
Favourite song: Bang Bang by Jessie J, Nicki Minaj and Ariana Grande
Favourite book: The Harry Potter series for sure! I’m in Gryffindor and my patronus is a flamingo.
Favourite TV series: Pretty Little Liars
Likes: Playing games, having fun, not taking myself too seriously! I love spending time with my family and extended family, and I love listening to my grandfather’s stories! That man has lived, let me tell you. Also… choccy milk.
Dislikes: I hate conflict! That is not to say that I won’t engage in some if it’s needed, but I think every situation can be resolved without the need of conflict. Plus, it just makes me uncomfortable watching two people fight. Oh, and strawbee milk.
Quote to live by: “Nothing is impossible. The word itself is ‘I’m possible’!” ~ Audrey Hepburn

To purchase The Heart Wants What It Wants, click this link here for several e-book purchasing options.

– by The Black Widow

*Age at the time of this novel

Character Profile: Devlin Blackthorn

To make The Heart Wants What It Wants a bit more accessible and interactive, I have constructed profiles on the main characters from this novel for your entertainment.

It is important to note that these picture bases of the characters are the most accurate physical portrayal of the character out there and not the actual character. Without further ado, here is the second character profile!

Devlin Blackthorn
“Fabulously Flawed”
jayryan2

Full name: Devlin Jude Blackthorn
Age: 24*
Date of birth: January 27, 1990
Star sign: Aquarius
Height: Five-foot-eleven
Weight: 200 lbs
Hair colour: Dark brown, almost black
Eye colour: Green
Occupation: Sports reporter for the Velvet Chronicle
Notable physical features: I have no desire to get any piercings or tattoos.
Hobbies include: Cooking animal-friendly meals and snacks, daydreaming, yelling at stupid people, renting and wearing ridiculous costumes to parties.
One day I wish to be: A journalist whose work has changed the world.
Favourite food: Vegetarian lasagne, more importantly, MY vegetarian lasagne.
Least favourite food: Meat. Or seafood. Urgh.
Favourite movie: Sleepless in Seattle. How can you NOT love Sleepless in Seattle?!
Least favourite movie: Does Kim Kardashian’s sex tape count?
If I could be someone else for a day, I’d be: Carrie Bradshaw… you didn’t say they had to be real.
Favourite musician: Gwen Stefani
Favourite song: Underneath It All by No Doubt
Favourite book: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë
Favourite TV series: Sex and the City
Likes: Animals, the perks of being a journalist, throwing a football around, watching sport, staying in fancy hotels for free (thanks Monique!), spending time with Jase and also crushing him in every competition.
Dislikes: Stupid people, dealing with the backlash from angry fans on social media, losing or relinquishing control of a situation or feeling, being told I can’t do something.
Quote to live by: “Love is like the wind; you can’t see it, but you can feel it.” ~ Nicholas Sparks

To purchase The Heart Wants What It Wants, click this link here for several e-book purchasing options.

– by The Black Widow

*Age at the time of this novel