Tag Archives: San Andreas

Review: San Andreas

Posted in Entertainment, Movies by

The film, not the classic Grand Theft Auto game. Sorry.

If you made the same mistake as me (like referenced above) where you thought the upcoming film titled San Andreas was going to be a live-action Grand Theft Auto film, then you were sadly mistaken. Instead, we were graced with an action-packed disaster film starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Carla Gugino, and that handsome bloke who played Jamie on Home And Away.

Not at all related to a certain video game series, this movie follows the events of a disastrous earthquake of monstrous proportions and the damage it causes to the west of USA. Like any other action movie, of course, there is a big hulking ironman out to rescue his family… and there’s a Kylie Minogue cameo in there as well.

No gang colours in sight. Tear.

No gang colours in sight. Tear.

I’m not too big a fan of disaster movies, and here’s why: they all follow a very similar formula, and instead of straying from it to make it fresh and unique, this film stuck to it. And it even included some of the cringeworthy clichés I really hoped they wouldn’t… but more on that later.

The plot was very basic in my sweet and humble opinion. There was a natural disaster of drastic proportions happening, and people were dying left, right and centre. Their seemingly normal and trivial lives were suddenly interrupted by this giant earthquake (and subsequent tsunami) and they had to rely on their basic survival instincts to… survive. Sounds simple, right? That’s because it was.

As I mentioned before, this movie relied on typical clichés that suit the disaster genre: a big bulking hero who has some kind of typically macho job, a seemingly clueless female lead who turns out to be more resourceful than you would expect, a near death (I won’t say who…) but they’re suddenly revived, and they even finish the movie with that line… “So… what now?” Like, come on. Oh, and the heartbroken parents are looking for their daughter. Very unoriginal.

Dwane’s acting, God bless his giant soul, leaves a little to be desired. I don’t find him to be believable, and that’s in “his” role (that being an action hero). Let’s also talk about the giant elephant of the casting as well: The Rock and Carla Gugino’s daughters looked absolutely nothing like him, but resembled Gugino. Clearly, he was not the biological father… or maybe Hollywood just need to invest in young Polynesian actors and actresses.

What I will say, however, is that Carla Gugino was fantastic in her role, as was Hugo Johnstone-Burt; if you didn’t know he played Jamie on Home and Away, then you really would’ve thought he was a British gentleman travelling at the wrong time. Gugino is timeless, and in fact, gets more beautiful with age; on top of that, her role as the panicky ex-wife was spot on, and I apllaud her. Alexandra Daddario was okay in her role, I guess; she’s so perfect looking that I was kind of distracted, to be honest.

The action/disaster scenes in the film were very believable, and it made me question my American holiday in October. (AUTHOR’S NOTE: this natural disaster affected like every city I’m going to, but you know, whatever). I really felt as if all of this was happening, and until my friend told me this was filmed in Australia, I wouldn’t have been any wiser and would’ve genuinely believed this happened in the actual destination. I guess Jamie from Home and Away should’ve been a dead giveaway of the filming location, but whatever.

Wid-o-meter
Storyline: 6/10
Casting and acting: 7/10
Experience: 6.5/10
Overall: 6.5/10

I wouldn’t recommend going out of your way to see this one, but if you have time to kill and want something fast-paced and action-packed, then San Andreas would be a good fit for you.

It just makes me wonder what a live-action GTA film would be like…

– by The Black Widow

The F’n Worst GTA Onliners

Posted in Entertainment, Video Games by

So here I was, laying on my couch playing some GTA Online at the middle of the night because a) I couldn’t get to sleep and b) GTA Online is amazing. I’m doing a mission of stealing two cars from people who don’t defend their cars whatsoever and then you drive the cars to a location and Bobsuruncle. I had two partners on the mission. Sounds like a walk in the park, right? Well, tell that to my nitwit partners who drove off as if still playing in freemode and didn’t assist me in the slightest.

Summer says hello from the world of GTA Online!

Summer says hello from the world of GTA Online!

After that dreadful altercation, I’ve decided to pinpoint and name the worst gamers to play GTA Online and describe just how irritating they are.

The Clueless Mission Partner
As described above in my terrible experience, the Clueless Mission Partner is the smartarse who will join your mission and do absolutely nothing to help you just so they can reap the exact same rewards you get for doing 100% of the work. That is the major issue I have with GTA Online – rewards are split in team deatchmatches depending on how much you contributed to the team which is fair enough. In missions, however, everyone gets the same money and experience points. So, unfortunately, if you are paired up with one of these morons, you’re just gonna have to bite your tongue and get on with the job – or you could run them over. That’d be acceptable, methinks.

The Obsessive Killer
Ah, the Obsessive Killer – the tool who goes around killing everyone for no reason other than to be a troll. Unfortunately the sad truth is that if you wanted to avoid the Obsessive Killer, you’d probably have to hide in the mountains or stake out at Sandy Shores because these losers tend to frequent GTA Online a lot. If one is chasing you and you try to take refuge in good ol’ Ponsonby’s, don’t worry – they’ll take advantage of a glitch and come in and gun you down for no reason. Alternatively, if they haven’t figured out the glitch, they will literally wait for you to walk out so they can gun you down or try and shoot you through the window. I have been a part of all three.

The Bounty Coward
What’s a good way to earn some quick money? Getting bounties. What makes it unnecessarily difficult, however, is when the person who has the bounty on their head hides out in their apartment and will literally stay in there for as long as necessary. Technically, one is allowed to do it but it really should be more frowned upon than it is. It’s annoying and slack to the players in the same session who want to make a quick buck. If you really think about it, you don’t really lose anything if you’re killed – unless you’re carrying loads of cash – so you really have nothing to lose if you give yourself up.

The Creepy Stalker
While these aren’t that frequently seen on GTA Online, I’ve had my fair share of run ins with them. These are the players that choose to follow you around for no reason – they won’t kill you at first, they just feel the need to be in your general presence. I once had a guy follow me for half an hour for no reason and after I killed him for his creepy behaviour, got into a helicopter and tried to gun me down. Don’t, people. Just don’t.

The Vengeful Moron
You kill another player, whether that be on purpose or by accident, and you drive off thinking nothing of it. Nekk minnit, that player is following you to get their revenge. And once is never good enough for this person. After they get their initial first kill, they’ll just keep following you and following you like a jealous ex who is out for blood. I will admit, I have participated in vengeful quests – only after someone found it necessary to kill me four times in a row.

The Trolling Thief
You get out of your personal car that cost you a gazillion dollars to upgrade and walk into your nearest Suburban to get some new threads. You walk outside with your new clothes and – oh look at that – your car has gone because someone thought it’d be funny to break into your car and drive off. I don’t even have words to describe these ones. Just no.

While all of these “characters” could be described as simply “trolls”, they are all guilty of making an MMORPG like GTA Online – which is probably one of the most fun MMORPG’s I’ve ever played – not fun. If you fit into one of these categories, please stop what you are doing and re-evaluate your life. There are far more important things in life to achieve. Thanks.

– by The Black Widow