Author Archives: Nikki

The Black Widow’s Bucket List

Posted in Lifestyle by

In celebration of my 22nd birthday, I’ve decided to publish my personal bucket list.

Before I had never really thought of having a bucket list. I thought my life was pretty great and didn’t really feel the need to go extreme and jump out of a plane or bungee jump off a bridge in New Zealand, but then I stopped to think of all the things I haven’t done.

How cute is this movie though?!

How cute is this movie though?!

I haven’t gone travelling (which will be rectified later this year).
I haven’t even left this country.
I haven’t been hiking at night.
I haven’t been part of an animal rights liberation protest.
I haven’t stepped foot in a wrestling ring.
I haven’t fulfilled my wildest fantasies.

So by the time I pass on – and if my palm is to be believed, I’m dying pretty early – I want to have accomplished at least 80% of this bucket list.

Alas, here we are:

The Black Widow’s Bucket List
[x] Attend a wrestling class and make a Beautiful People style entrance.
[x] Go skydiving, regardless of how much I hate heights.
[x] Attend an animal rights liberation protest, with my own sign.
[x] Go hiking at night.
[x] Travel across Europe by myself (and hopefully not be that naive traveller who gets their things stolen)
[x] Fill a Ute bed wtih pillows and blankets and sleep out under the stars.
[x] Abseiling, also despite my fear of heights.
[x] Perform a flash-mob like pole dancing routine OUTTA NOWHERE.
[x] Cycle through Central Park.
[x] Go (country) star hunting in Nashville.
[x] Go on a trip with a fake persona and back story and make it last for the entire duration.
[x] Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
[x] Organise and host a charity fundraiser for the local firehouse.
[x] Go on a hot air balloon ride… despite my fear of heights.
[x] Mud wrestle.
[x] Publish a novel.
[x] Go on a blind date.
[x] Take up capoeira.
[x] Live in a different country for at least six months.
[x] Fly first class.
[x] Dress up as the Bella Twins for a costume party (another person required).
[x] Tell Katy Perry she sucks.
[x] Change the world.

I encourage everyone to start their own bucket list and see what kind of whacky and crazy things they can come up with. A life not lived is not a life I want to live.

– by The Black Widow

Why I Don’t Like the Term “Plus Size”

Posted in Opinion by

TL;DR version: plus size is as defineable as what water tastes like.

One of my best mates happily remarked on how a department store had a plus size (female) mannequin. Thinking that this was a step in the right direction for the way women are influenced when shopping regarding what is “the look”, I asked her to send me a picture of this mannequin. Looking at the picture, however, the “plus size” mannequin in question wasn’t that plus size at all; in fact, it was probably a size 12 at most. It was noticeably fuller than the other mannequins, but the point remains the same.

I wouldn't even say these models are plus size. They're just how they should be. (Image via Marden Plus Size Facebook page)

I wouldn’t even say these models are plus size. They’re just how they should be. (Image via Marden Plus Size Facebook page)

That left me thinking… if a size 12 is considered plus size in today’s society, what happens to those women who are a size 16 or 18 or even bigger? Are they made to feel worse about themselves because they aren’t even considered to be plus size? What are they considered then… double plus size? Triple plus size?

If you rewind it even further, why is it even called “plus size”? The term kind of implies that it is a normal size plus a little bit more. I’m sorry but who is this ultimate power deciding what women’s size is normal and what isn’t? Why is a women’s size 8 completely “normal” but a 14 isn’t?

I remember having a discussion with a friend of mine and she told me that nearly every if not all marketing ads you see in shopping malls or kind of subliminal messages to tell you how you “should and shouldn’t” look. You see the ads where there a group of “normal looking” models wearing the clothes that are sold in the store, but what are you meant to do if you don’t look like them? Imagine there was a short, chubby girl with a brown bob cut looking at a picture of a leggy blonde with a perfect tan and perfectly-toothed smile wearing a floral playsuit. Would that brunette girl think that she isn’t allowed to wear this floral playsuit because she doesn’t look like the girl in the picture?

With so many ads and marketing tools in today’s society telling us what we should look like and how we should feel about ourselves, why isn’t anyone telling us “Hey, if your health is fine and you’re happy with who you are and what you look like, fuck everyone else. Go ‘head wit’ yo’ bad self.” If you’re content being a size 6, all the power to you! If you’re pleased with your size 14 figure, all the power to you! If you’re happy to be at the gym 7 days a week – or if you’re okay with never stepping foot in a gym and living off Nutella – I say all the power to you!

In the same light, just like there is nothing wrong with being a size with a higher number, there isn’t anything wrong with being a size with a lower number. Don’t be a Meaghan Trainor and skinny shame “them skinny bitches”. People were made to be different. It’s time people really embrace that.

– by The Black Widow

Review: Temptation

Posted in Books, Entertainment by

This just in: Alexis Summers is a dumb bitch. Hold on, I’m getting ahead of myself.

The latest novel to be reviewed by The Black Widow is an adult romance novel entitled Temptation by K.M. Golland, which is the first in a series. The premier novel in this series introduces the heroine named Alexis Summers, who is a married woman in her mid 30s with two kids. Sounds peachy, right? Well…

"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.” - Johnny Depp

“If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.” – Johnny Depp

After nine years of being a stay-at-home mum, she’s happy to get back into the workforce as a hotel concierge in Melbourne, working for the typically drop dead gorgeous male protagonist, Bryce Clark. Sparks fly and Alexis is challenged: should she give into temptation – pun intended – or stick with her loving husband Rick?

Now, where was I? Oh right. Alexis is a dumb bitch.

I found the character of Alexis completely repugnant and I did not at any time throughout this novel ever sympathise with her whatsoever. She was hypocritical, annoying (almost as annoying as Ana from Fifty Shades, and that’s saying something) and just hella inappropriate. And she fell way too easily for Bryce. She literally sets eyes on him and is all like “OMG I LOVE YOU GET IN ME”. Girl bye.

On the other hand, however, I will say that I didn’t mind Bryce. After you’ve read as many raunchy adult novels as I have, the “attractive, wealthy and witty” male protagonist effect kind of wears off, but I still found Bryce quite likeable. There’s something about a man that knows what he wants kind of attractive, even if it is someone else’s wife. Hey, I’m not here to judge. Even though Alexis is a dumb bitch. Golland certainly wrote her characters pretty well.

In saying that, however, there were some scenes throughout the novel that I found really unnecessary. Some parts of the story weren’t actually germaine to the story, and that to me was a bit of a turn off. I will say that Golland did plant the seeds of a very interesting series and I will definitely be getting into the next crop once my skyscraper high pile of “books waiting to be read” dies down a bit. The language she used was very easy to read and it made for one of those books that you could read at the beach, in a bus or in the comfort of your own bed. I think I read the second half of the novel in one go and refused to put it down.

Wid-o-meter
Storyline: 7/10
Style of writing: 7/10
Overall: 7/10

If you’re looking to have your fancy tickled after having it chained and whipped by Fifty Shades, then I suggest you pick up this novel and the rest of the series. I’m sure it’ll tide you over for when the Fifty Shades film comes out on Valentine’s Day… or Anti-Valentine’s Day, if you’re like me.

– by The Black Widow

Sex Talk: Things people think when having sex

Posted in Lifestyle, Sex Talk by

Not all of us are thinking of ways to climax.

Sex is a very intimate thing that brings a connection between two people that no other thing can create. It’s a very intimate and physical connection that can also be spiritual on some level. It’s also hella awkward and slightly uncomfortable if you’re breaking in someone new.

The movies make sex out to be either slow, romantic and flowing, or quick, fast and rough, but nothing is ever as it seems on screen, is it?

It's never this good, is it? (screenshot from True Blood)

It’s never this good, is it? (screenshot from True Blood)

After asking around for a few things to include in this post that guys and gals actually think of when doing the deed, I was humoured and not-actually-surprised-at-all at the responses. If you’re reading this, you may want to re-think your strategy in the bedroom if you don’t want your partner to think about anything but the mediocre job you’re doing.

What girls think
– “Where do I even look when we’re having sex? It’s awkward if I look at him, but if I don’t look at him, he might think I’m bored or he’s doing a bad job. Maybe I’ll just shift in between. Yeah. I’ll do that.”
– “Penises are so weird.”
– “This is so painful. It’s like trying to fit a square into a circle.”
– “How weird is sex? Like people spend hundreds of dollars to stick a pee-pee into a hole. I could buy a new Michael Kors handbag with that money.”
– “‘Because you know I’m all about that bass, ’bout that bass, no treble…’ I hate this song.”
– “Can he hurry up and finish?”
– “The kids are asleep. Why am I not sleeping?”
– “Do I look hot in this position, or do I look like a whale?”
– “I so need to fake this shit now.”
– “I’m so happy I don’t have big boobs ’cause it would really hurt with them flapping all over the place.”
– “I need to pee.”
– “I was expecting bigger. How awkward.”
– “I swear that freckle/mole wasn’t there before. I should get that checked.”
– “Did I shave my armpits?”
– “I wonder how many calories I’m burning doing this.”

What guys think
– “Should I tell her she’s really loose?”
– “I wonder if she really thinks I’m big or she said that to stroke my ego.”
– “I’m a fucking legend.”
– “Would she let me do some freaky stuff to her? Nah. Probably not.”
– “Can she hurry up and finish?”
– “She looks bored. Maybe I should go faster.”
– “She sounds like a dying cow when she moans. Boner kill.”
– “Did I leave the oven on?”
– “The All Blacks are the greatest sporting team in the world.”
– “I am so picturing Jennifer Lawrence right now.”
– “Wow, they really do look like axe wounds.”
– “I’m sweating. This must be really good sex… or I’m unfit. I’m probably just unfit. Yeah I’m unfit.”
– “Did I take the bins out?”
– “Holy shit! Dave Grohl was the devil in The Pick of Destiny?”
– “Ha… vagina.”

Need I say more?

– by The Black Widow