Sex Talk: the Mechanics of a Threesome

No, I’m not talking about playing three-player on Mario Kart 64 either.

Welcome to the first edition of Sex Talk, where we talk about what kind of pastels work well with these boots sex. Today’s topic: threesomes. You know, when there are more than two people in the room engaging in sexual acts.

A friend of mine recently participated in a threesome and told me about his/her experience. After listening to his/her story, I was under the impression that the basic mechanics of how a threesome “should” work may not be as widely known as I expected because the threesome didn’t turn out as well as it probably could have.

Typically speaking, threesomes occur when a couple want to broaden their horizons and therefore invite another individual into their budois. (REALLY hope someone caught that Will and Grace reference). It can be a good thing for a couple to do for a couple of reasons: 1) One might be worried about the other’s wandering eye and therefore initiates a threesome so that their lover can explore someone else’s sexuality within the boundaries of the relationship and; 2) The spark in their sexual relationship may be dying and so having a threesome might revive their sex life and make it that much better for all parties involved.

Despite its sexual nature, this picture's still kinda cute. (SOURCE: Image by © Ben Welsh/zefa/Corbis)

Despite its sexual nature, this picture’s still kinda cute. Like, look at their serious faces. (SOURCE: Image by © Ben Welsh/zefa/Corbis)

But the question remains: what should and shouldn’t you do in a threesome? To make it easier for you to read, I’m going to break it down into two parts: the couple and the third wheel, so if you fit into either category, you can easily locate what you probs can and can’t do. Featuring The Charge and The Lover (The Couple), and the Third Wheel (the other person).

The Couple (The Charge and the Lover)
DO set some ground rules for the threesome. Stick to something you feel comfortable about. For example, The Charge could be comfortable with The Lover performing sexual acts with the Third Wheel, but not with kissing.
DON’T get jealous of your lover getting intimate with the Third Wheel. If those feelings arise, a threesome is definitely not the thing for you to re-spark your sex life. May I suggest dressing up as Batman and Catwoman and chasing each other around the room?
DO communicate with The Lover and the Third Wheel during the threesome to find out what you like/dislike and what they like/dislike.
DON’T treat a threesome as a competition with the Third Wheel. You are not racing to see who can please The Lover the most. What happens if you lose, hmmmmmm?
DO interact with both The Lover and the Third Wheel. I mean, you might as well since they’re there. No one person should be the main focus point of this sexual activity.
DON’T focus your attention on one person (either The Lover or the Third Wheel). That’s when shit hits the fan. DO find an open-minded Third Wheel to participate with.
DON’T find a Third Wheel who you know. Third Wheels should ideally be someone you don’t know so no one gets attached to anyone they shouldn’t be. And no awkward moments happen when you see your mate the next day and you say “Hey I really like that thing you did with your back last night. See you at work!”

The Third Wheel
DO respect the boundaries of The Couple. You are there solely to accommodate the needs of The Charge and The Lover. Don’t make this about yourself.
DON’T intrude too much. If you find The Couple are a bit more reserved than you thought, maybe it’s a good idea for you to sit back and watch and wait. They may need to loosen up a bit more.
DO pay equal amounts of attention to The Charge and The Lover. It’s sweet and complimentary.
DON’T complain or demand something. There is no way of putting this nicely. You are there as a piece of meat. No one is getting attached to you in any kind of romantic way, so don’t demand a cuddle or a cigarette because when your job is done, it’s done.
DO explore your sexuality. Use this as an opportunity to experiment and find out what you like and don’t like. You might find that threesomes aren’t your thing, and at least you learned that firsthand, right?
DON’T try and outperform either The Charge or The Lover. Just don’t.

If you have any other sex topics you would like discussed on Widow’s Lure, feel free to contact us via e-mail. Throw us a message with “Sex Talk” in the subject line to info@widowslure.com. Here’s to a happy threesome!

– by Noah La’ulu

Things people think when having sex

Not all of us are thinking of ways to climax.

Sex is a very intimate thing that brings a connection between two people that no other thing can create. It’s a very intimate and physical connection that can also be spiritual on some level. It’s also hella awkward and slightly uncomfortable if you’re breaking in someone new.

The movies make sex out to be either slow, romantic and flowing, or quick, fast and rough, but nothing is ever as it seems on screen, is it?

It's never this good, is it? (screenshot from True Blood)

It’s never this good, is it? (screenshot from True Blood)

After asking around for a few things to include in this post that guys and gals actually think of when doing the deed, I was humoured and not-actually-surprised-at-all at the responses. If you’re reading this, you may want to re-think your strategy in the bedroom if you don’t want your partner to think about anything but the mediocre job you’re doing.

What girls think
– “Where do I even look when we’re having sex? It’s awkward if I look at him, but if I don’t look at him, he might think I’m bored or he’s doing a bad job. Maybe I’ll just shift in between. Yeah. I’ll do that.”
– “Penises are so weird.”
– “This is so painful. It’s like trying to fit a square into a circle.”
– “How weird is sex? Like people spend hundreds of dollars to stick a pee-pee into a hole. I could buy a new Michael Kors handbag with that money.”
– “‘Because you know I’m all about that bass, ’bout that bass, no treble…’ I hate this song.”
– “Can he hurry up and finish?”
– “The kids are asleep. Why am I not sleeping?”
– “Do I look hot in this position, or do I look like a whale?”
– “I so need to fake this shit now.”
– “I’m so happy I don’t have big boobs ’cause it would really hurt with them flapping all over the place.”
– “I need to pee.”
– “I was expecting bigger. How awkward.”
– “I swear that freckle/mole wasn’t there before. I should get that checked.”
– “Did I shave my armpits?”
– “I wonder how many calories I’m burning doing this.”

What guys think
– “Should I tell her she’s really loose?”
– “I wonder if she really thinks I’m big or she said that to stroke my ego.”
– “I’m a fucking legend.”
– “Would she let me do some freaky stuff to her? Nah. Probably not.”
– “Can she hurry up and finish?”
– “She looks bored. Maybe I should go faster.”
– “She sounds like a dying cow when she moans. Boner kill.”
– “Did I leave the oven on?”
– “The All Blacks are the greatest sporting team in the world.”
– “I am so picturing Jennifer Lawrence right now.”
– “Wow, they really do look like axe wounds.”
– “I’m sweating. This must be really good sex… or I’m unfit. I’m probably just unfit. Yeah I’m unfit.”
– “Did I take the bins out?”
– “Holy shit! Dave Grohl was the devil in The Pick of Destiny?”
– “Ha… vagina.”

Need I say more?

– by The Black Widow

Review: Searching for Someday

I bought this book from my local Dymocks and then left it at work and assumed I had lost it and then began to throw a tantrum because I was looking forward to reading it that much. So did Searching for Someday worth the hype of throwing a tantrum over? Let’s find out!

The first of a new saucy series by Jennifer Probst. (SOURCE: Jennifer Probst's website)

The first of a new saucy series by Jennifer Probst. (SOURCE: Jennifer Probst’s website)

Searching for Someday by Jennifer Probst is the first of a series that follows the life of Kate, who may or may not be a witch. She has this “gift” from her ancestors that she can sense when two people are meant to be together just by touching them. Intense right? So she uses her powers for good and has started a matchmaking agency with her two friends. Kate is a beautiful virgin who keeps to herself and has no time for man, until Slade Montgomery walks in – the hot divorce lawyer who wants to take Kate’s matchmaking agency to the shedhouse for being a “scam”. A matchmaker and a divorce lawyer… sounds like a total mess, doesn’t it?

The storyline was okay. I wasn’t appalled by it but at the same time I wasn’t too enthralled by it (totes rhymed!) As most love and romance novels are easily predictable, I didn’t go into this book expecting much. But this story was so predictable that I pretty much didn’t have to finish it to figure out the ending, but at least the track towards the destination was great. The intense, erotic chemistry between Kate and Slade was interesting to read and their interactions were almost always entertaining. Their first kiss after that yoga session was… oh golly.

I am clearly an avid reader of adult romance novels and am very familiar with how a written sex scene goes. If a sex scene is done well, it comes off great and can even get the reader “in the mood”. If it isn’t written well, however, it comes off as dirty and trashy and it gives adult romance novels a bad name. One thing that I cannot stand in sex scenes is the use of the “p word” for vagina. Unfortunately for Probst, she used the “p word” freely during the intimate moments of the novel and it completely ruined the scene for me. I just think that there are so many words for vagina nowadays that you can use any one of them and still be better than the “p word”. If one word is going to be a let down in the novel – and warrant an entire paragraph in a book review – then that is saying something.

As a character, Kate was passable. She had her funny moments and she was easily relatable and likeable, especially with her ADORABLE dedication to her dog Robert, but other than that, she had the “typical romance book heroine” character to her – insecure, shy, unaware of how hot she is, etc. Slade’s character was also quite the romance book stereotype of being cocky, wealthy and arrogant but had the body of Adonis. I didn’t particularly love either one of them but they were both easily likeable so that’s definitely a plus.

Solst-o-meter
Storyline:
6.5/10
Style of writing:
6.5/10
Overall:
6.5/10

Searching for Someday is a solid read if you’re looking for a hot, steamy love affair between two polar opposite characters. If this is any indication of how the rest of the series will go, we should be in for a ride.

– by The Black Widow

Dating Nikki: Second dates (and their myths!)

Congratulations! You’ve made it past the first date – now what?

Second dates... and their shenanigans.

Second dates… and their shenanigans.

The all-important second date has its hype for a reason – it’s commonly seen as the make or break for a potential relationship. Sure, your first date went fine enough that you’ve decided to see each other again, but that is based purely off first impressions and “clicking”. The second date, however, will take you more in-depth with your date (no sexual pun intended) so it’s on this date that you will regularly find something you really like or dislike about your date.

However, there are a few second date myths that I would like to personally squash right now.

Second Date Myth #1: It’s okay for me to put out now since it’s not the first date.
WRONG! Don’t let someone else’s anti-first-date-sex opinion affect your decision as to whether or not you go all the way on the second date. If you want to do it on the first date, why not? Nothing wrong with that, just like there’s nothing wrong with having sex on the third date or the seventh date or the night of your wedding. On the other end of the spectrum, don’t go into your second date thinking “I’m definitely getting some tonight.” Don’t be a pig. Oink oink.

Second Date Myth #2: I don’t have to get too dressed up because we’ve past the first date.
Unless your second date with this person is ten years in the future where you have become so accustomed with each other, this is wrong. It’s your second date, not your tenth. Don’t get too comfortable. I’m not saying dip your face in some cake to look good, but don’t get too comfortable with your date to the point of rocking up to his/her house looking like the troll from under the bridge. Just sayin’.

Second Date Myth #3: We did all the talking in the first date so I don’t have to try as hard to get to know him/her.
Again, second date, not your tenth. I’m pretty sure your date didn’t tell you every detail of their life so you don’t know them as well as you think you do. Put in the effort. It’s not that hard.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, here are a few tips for your impending second date:
[x] Don’t let your guard down in any way. You’re not in the clear (AKA relationship) yet.
[x] Do something less formal so you can get to know your date a bit more in a relaxed manner. Instead of the good ol’ dinner and a movie, do something more carefree and fun, like go bowling or ice-skating together.
[x] Surprise your date. Bring her flowers or surprise him by paying for dinner or dessert.
[x] And most importantly (cue the sappy love music), be yourself.

Happy dating, SolSaters!

– by The Black Widow