Category Archives: Lifestyle

Coffee 101

Posted in Body, Food & Nutrition, Lifestyle by

I am a person who spends a lot of time in line at coffee shops. I am also a person who knows what she wants; “strong skinny cappuccino, take away, please.” While I can order and pay in less than thirty-five seconds, there are so many pretentious sods walking around the city with their ‘small, half-strength, soy vanilla latte with two Splendas’ and weird caffeinated sugar- syrups masquerading as coffee covered in whipped cream and sprinkles.

Word.

Word.

I am a coffee snob, who was raised by a coffee snob who was raised by…well actually the line ends there, but you can bet your arse my kids with be mainlining coffee before they’re even onto mashed peas. Now, as said coffee snob (with a Barista certification and mad latte-art skills) I feel that it is my solemn duty to teach you all how to order coffee like you respect both it and yourself.

The completely acceptable, standard coffees:
Flat white
Latte
Cappuccino
Long Black
Short Black
Espresso

For the sake of many of my friendships, the lines are blurred on chai. If you’re not just being a hipster, and you genuinely like miscellaneous spices mucking up the status quo then by all means, be gross and order chai. I’m only judging you a little bit.

Any of these drinks are fine. You order a long black in the morning to have with your bagel on the train? Fantastic. Have a lovely day. If you’re someone who treats coffee the way I treated year seven chemistry, then we have some serious issues (other than the minor scar from a Bunsen burner).

Here’s where most people start getting it wrong:

Skim Milk– Some people are health conscious and order skim milk. That’s cool. Props for respecting your cholesterol while working to prevent osteoporosis. Others, like myself, find whole milk too sweet. That’s a little weird, but still fine. If, however, you are one of ‘those people’ who orders a skinny latte and then proceeds to eat a slab of Mars Bar Cheesecake and chain smoke out the front, then you’re a fool. You saved yourself fifteen calories and shortened your life expectancy by six years. Genius.

Decaffeinated coffee- This is an oxymoron and you’re an oxy-idiot. Firstly, have you ever tasted decaf coffee? It tastes like sadness feels. I had a mug of decaf once and I swear with every sip I could hear it crying, wishing it could be caffeinated like all the other cool coffee beans. Besides, if you’re drinking decaf it’s for some stupid reason like you ‘don’t want to be awake all night,’ so don’t drink coffee, just drink milk and stop being annoying.

Macchiato- I need someone to explain to me the thought process behind a macchiato. It’s basically a long black with ‘just a drop of milk.’ Why? What does that singular drop of milk really achieve? Either drink it black or get a latte. Don’t be so fussy.

Syrup- Yes, a latte contains milk. No, that does not make it a milkshake. Adding a shot of caramel or hazelnut is like going up to the Mona Lisa and saying ‘Wow. She’s perfect. Let’s just add some Crayola number 11 for fun.’ If you’ve got a sweet tooth, drink juice and let the big kids drink coffee. I’m sorry to say it gentleman, but this rule is particularly relevant to you. You know that hot barista you’ve been checking out for five minutes? As soon as you say ‘half-strength vanilla latte’ she will immediately see Chris Colfer standing in front of her (NB: he’s that guy from Glee, the show you’re too manly to watch).

Mocha- I feel the same way about mocha as I feel about syrup. Chocolate and coffee should be a combination reserved for desserts. If you need something sweet to cut through the bitter taste of the coffee, then you don’t really want it. Just get a hot chocolate. Chances are the sugar will be enough to get you pinging off the walls anyway.

Frappuccino- Grow up. A) the word is stupid. B) so are you.

Extra shot(s)- I like a double shot every now and then as a pick-me-up. For shift-workers, parents of small children and vegans who can’t stay awake because they are iron and fun deficient, an extra shot is literally life-saving. But (guys, I’m sorry to pick on you again but I’m really still talking to you) ordering an extra-hot triple espresso does not make you look manly or tough. It makes you look like your eyes are rolling in two different directions and you’ve been awake since the Millennium.

“Expresso”- I’m sorry, you want what? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my teeth gnashing together at that made up word you and your friends keep using. Unfortunately NOWHERE IN THE WORLD serves ‘expresso’ but I can make you an espresso if you’d like. It’s very similar.

While we’re on the topic of made-up words, a ‘cup-accino’ is not a coffee in a cup in the same way that a ‘mug-accino’ is not a coffee in a mug. What you’re after is a cappuccino. A big one is just called a Large. I know; your tiny mind is blown, but take slow deep breaths and the dizziness will go away soon.

Finally, I come to you, the poor souls who have reached a point in their life where there is more coffee in their veins than blood. You are the fools who will take coffee in any form; you’ll drink it, shoot it, snort it, or inject it straight into your eyeballs if need be. You may be slightly insane and your heart beat sounds more like a jazz riff than a steady rhythm but hey, you’re among great people and I’m sure I’ll be joining the club soon. We’ll get jackets. The kind with removable elbow-patches so we can attach the IV coffee bags without taking them off.

– by Blaire Gillies

P.S. A mate sent me this link once when I was having this rant to him in café. If you’re one of these people and you ever want to meet up, let’s not go for coffee. Ever.
http://sprudge.com/coffee-order-generator.html

Happy All Hallow’s Eve!

Posted in Lifestyle by

It’s the day where kids in cute animal costumes walk around with brown paper bags begging complete strangers for candy, and the day where girls walk around in lingerie with some form of fake blood on them. It’s Halloween!

Because really, if you were to ever dress up as something... it'd be a banana.

Because really, if you were to ever dress up as something… it’d be a banana.

Last night, I noticed a group on Facebook deftly titled “Halloween is un-Australian” and that really got to me; sure, Halloween might not be your cup of tea as an Australian and that’s completely fine. To others, however, Halloween is a perfect time to dress up and have fun with friends and family by walking around, asking for treats and comparing costumes with one another. Why would you dampen someone else’s fun just because of your own personal beliefs? Just as much you shouldn’t condemn someone for their religious beliefs, don’t stop a whole bunch of people for believing that Halloween is a time of fun and spookiness.

Anywho, the team at SolSat are ready for Halloween and here are the costume ideas we have planned for today’s events:

Nikki
As the major Halloween enthusiast I am, I’ve organised for my college newsroom to dress up for Halloween. What newsroom dresses up for Halloween? The best newsroom in the world! For the day, I have decided to spice up an old costume of mine – instead of being “sweet innocent Little Red Riding Hood who was eaten by the wolf and eventually saved by a huntsman”, I’m dressing up as “demon Little Red Riding Hood who grabbed an axe and slashed that wolf into pieces”.

For this costume, I have a red riding hood (obviously), a white shirt, denim cut offs and brown boots. The cool part, however, is the plastic axe I will be carrying with red texta at the end of it… wolf’s blood and what not. For extra dramatic effect, I’ll be drawing red claw marks down the side of my face because gosh darn it that wolf did put up a fight. Instead of a cane basket, I have a skull candy bag. Demon Little Red Riding Hood? I think so.

For the night’s events, I will be attending a Halloween party at a local night joint and wanted to dress up as my favourite comic book character ever – Harley Quinn. Harley is a woman, however, so I made the man’s version of it and I can be so bold as to say that my costume is excellent.

For this costume, I have red-and-black split-leg jeans, one red Chuck Taylor and one black Chuck Taylor, a split-coloured black-and-red shirt with diamond pieces sewn onto it and a harlequin/court-jester handband with white and red face-make up. Can I get a soooo weeee?

Blaire

As a kid, the closest I ever really got to celebrating Halloween was watching The Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror special episodes.
My family have always been pretty indifferent to the whole concept. The modern bastardisation of the traditional Pagan celebration is a very American idea which has no relevance to Australian history or culture so we just didn’t feel the need to get involved with it. Plus we lived on a farm roughly 15km from the closest town, so ‘Trick-or-Treating’ would have been fairly arduous.

I’ve also noticed that the older we get the more vulgar costumes get. Women favour costumes prefaced with the word slutty. Slutty nurse, slutty cat, slutty policewoman… you get my drift. Even classic, unsexy characters like Thing One and Thing Two or even The Teletubbies get made to look cheap and tacky.

For the guys, it’s mostly just the one night a year when cross-dressing is not only socially acceptable, but pretty much expected (remember boys, shave your legs if you’re planning on wearing tights- the itch will destroy you if you don’t!).

With that said, I absolutely adore making and designing costumes and would love to have an excuse like Halloween to go all out and create my dream outfit. As cliche as it is, if I were to ever go to a Halloween Party, I would want to go as Glinda from The Wizard of Oz. I will forever associate Halloween with little kids and Glinda was a character I loved so much in my own childhood, so I would definitely owe it to 7 year old Blaire to go as the Good Witch. And rest assured, Little Me, I’d go all out. Big white gown with the petticoats, lace and beads with a big silver crown and sceptre. I’ve got nineteen years (and counting) to make up for, you can bet I’d do it right!

You can bet your sweet fanny that any Halloween pictures we take tomorrow will definitely be uploaded onto the Solstice Satisfaction Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Solstice Satisfaction Links
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/SolsticeSatisfaction
Twitter: twitter.com/SolsticeSat
Instagram: @solsticesatisfaction

To all of our loyal and lovely readers out there, I hope you have a safe Halloween and you enjoy your day. If you don’t celebrate or enjoy the concept of Halloween, I equally hope you enjoy your day and have fun doing whatever you are doing!

– by The Black Widow and Blaire Gillies

Things Women Want You to Know But Are Too Passive-Aggressive to Actually Tell You: Lesson One

Posted in Lifestyle by

Like any extreme sport, dating comes with several sets of rules that must be learned and conquered before one can progress to the next level. Just like you cannot skydive without first mastering the jump from a small step ladder or chair, you cannot date a woman without first knowing the safety procedures and where the emergency exits are.

You can thank me later.

You can thank me later.

At the risk of generalising and pandering to media-induced stereotypes of females, chocolate is the solution to almost everything. Like a spare key or extra batteries, it is best to keep a box or block of chocolate on hand for emergencies in addition to the ‘every day’ chocolate stored in the pantry, fridge, freezer, glove box and the wardrobe (your girlfriend/wife/mistress/’friend’ will deny it, but trust me, it’s there). Chocolate is of course the first lesson in dating as it serves more purposes than you could possibly imagine. For example:

1. The Treat- Your girlfriend has just achieved a personal goal. She is ecstatic and you, as a loving partner are exceptionally proud. Obviously, you’ve planned a special dinner and a bottle of bubbly (and if you haven’t, I’ll wait while you go and make a last-minute reservation), but the really sweet thing is the box of beautifully wrapped handmade chocolates you left on her pillow. Major brownie points right there.

2. The Reward- Similar to The Treat, though the occasion need not be as big. Friday night she comes home exhausted after work, sore feet and in a terrible mood and BAM! You whip out a Cherry Ripe to say ‘Hey. You’ve worked hard this week and your work matters.’ That right there is almost sweeter than the chocolate itself.

3. The Birthday/Anniversary- She’s just hit you with the ‘I don’t need anything but your company’ line. Some girls mean it. Good on them. But a) you feel guilty not getting her a gift and b) you’re not sure whether she is one of the few who doesn’t want presents. The solution? Yeah. It’s chocolate. But be careful here. I don’t mean a block from the supermarket confectionary aisle. I mean something fancy like Max Brenner or Haighs.

4. The Distraction- You had a list. A hundred ‘little things’ she asked you politely to do on your day off. Instead, you got distracted by good surf or good mates and forgot to fix the hinge on the backdoor and the clothesline is still screeching in the wind. The only thing standing between you and The Silent Treatment is the chocolate you bought ‘for no special reason and completely on a whim because you love her.’ You sly dog.

5. The Apology- Often makes an appearance when she catches you executing The Distraction. Also appears when she’s mad but refuses to say why because ‘You know what you did.’ Honestly, she’s been ignoring you for so long, she can’t remember why she’s mad either; she’s just not about to admit it. A small, humble box of chocolates with a bow will help you both out with that one.

6. The I Love You- You want to let your girl know how special she is. Get creative. Chocolate scented candles and body lotion to pamper herself with makes for a nice change of pace. Or if you’re up for a little effort, chocolate dipped strawberries- everyone loves a man who knows his way around a kitchen.

7. PMS- As a male, this is not something you want to think about, but something you will inevitably have to deal with. Smile, nod, and ply her with chocolate cupcakes. Hang in there, you’ll be okay.

Of course it is crucial to remember that the bigger the crime does not necessarily equate to the bigger the chocolate. Expensive chocolates are smaller and not given every day. Your girl knows this.

Finally, this is not a situation where tried-and-true ‘If in doubt, go without’ rule applies. If you are in doubt, keep in mind;
60+ : Rum and Raisin, crystallised ginger, Turkish delight, orange crème.
30-59+ : Espresso, hazelnuts, fruit ‘n’ nut, chocolate dipped coffee beans, praline.
20-29 : Caramel, mint, Cherry Ripe, Snickers, Mars Bars.

The younglings like the fancy science experiments with pop rocks and jelly beans and whatnot, the health nuts like dark chocolate, the vegans eat cardboard and those rocking dentures like soft chocolate mousse.

You now have no excuse to fail.

– by Blaire Gillies

Fad Off!

Posted in Lifestyle by

I’ve lived in Sydney since I was 9 years old and during my tenure here, I’ve seen many different trends or fads come and go. A few people who are as mindless as they are impressionable have followed these trends until the cows came home while I’ve remained indifferent about whatever’s “in” or “hip” – because people still use the word hip anyway. I’ve been quite comfortable in my own skin and style.

Anywho, here are a list of trends that have come and gone and haven’t been touched by me in any shape or form.

I live in a double-storey suburban house and I’m gangsta

These kids trapped in a struggle... and so on and so forth.

These kids trapped in a struggle… and so on and so forth.

Remember when Joel Turner (picture above) came out with the hit song “These Kids” and suddenly everyone wore their pants down around their knees with thick, obnxious chains around their necks? Enter the “Gangsta Beatboxing Street Artist” fad. I specifically remember boys who had no interest in rap and urban music all of a sudden profess their admiration for 50 Cent and Eminem just because it was the “in” thing back in the day. These tryhards would spit and heave and try to claim that as beatboxing when really, it sounded as if someone was losing a lung. Breakdancing was also a popular thing for the Gangsta Beatboxing Street Artists who, as hard as they tried, couldn’t master the truly wonderful art. Speaking of art, it became cool to tag walls with $2 spray paint with some terrible logos or even worse, your own initials.

As you’re picturing all of this in your head, aren’t you glad this fad died out?

Only cool people slash their wrists

Anyone spare a blade?

Anyone spare a blade?

Why, pray tell me, did self-harm become a fad? Shortly after the gangsta species faded out, in came the Emos. Long fringes, black clothes and body odour from here to Raleigh, North Carolina. While the emo genre was underground previously, artists like Dashboard Confessional rose this fad to international stardom. Along with this “popular trend” came the music subgenre of “screamo”, which was basically someone screaming whilst instruments accompanied the ear-damaging lyrics. For some reason, however, people took this as an opportunity to make self-harm cool; red cut lines across the wrist were almost as common as breathing during this time and people would even boast about how damn emo they were by posting pictures of their self harm on MySpace (which was Emo Haven back in the day). The emos lasted a bit longer than the gangstas, and I can proudly say I took absolutely nothing from this culture. I wore painted-on jeans before emos were even born. #totesamaze #craycray

The Beach Boys would be so proud… or not

Oooohhh surferrrr girrrrl...

Oooohhh surferrrr girrrrl…

Roxy. Billabong. Ripcurl. Rusty. Basically any brand that is currently available at your local City Beach. There was a time when surfing became the “in thing” and all the boys in the yard were wearing these surfer brands to look cool and would walk around with a surfboard despite having no talent on it whatsoever. These guys and gals would lay out on the beach to get that “I’m totes a surfer” tan and would lighten their hair to have that surfy look. Meanwhile, here I am with my pale brown skin and dark hair – and I don’t even care.

I get that Home and Away makes it look like every Australian underneath the shining sun goes surfing but I have never touched a surfboard in my life and have no real interest in getting thrashed from a body of water.

Aesthetics because no one cares about brains anymore

I don't mind Zyzz as a person, but really.

I didn’t mind Zyzz as a person, but really.

Okay so I remember a time when people didn’t really care about how big their pecs were or how bulging their biceps were. Everyone was just lax about being their size, big or small. Nowadays, people are hitting the gym just for the social factor and not for the concept of getting physically fit. Big bulky men (or women) are as common as breathing now and it’s come to the point where muscles aren’t even attractive anymore. With the introduction of (stupid) phrases like “Do you even lift” and “She squats bro” suggest that people in the current day and age are more concerned about what’s on the outside than what’s on the inside. I’d prefer to have a conversation with a brain than a bicep to be honest but that’s just me.

I joined a gym to look like Candice Swanepoel (NOTE: not possible), not to fit in with the clouds that hang around my area. I decided that food is much better than exercise so my relationship with the gym ended not too long ago. I’m pretty sure I did more exercise than the bodybuilders that went there to look at themselves in the mirror and get hard-ons over themselves.

***

I’m pretty sure there are other fads that I’ve overlooked but really, these three were the worst that I can remember. To use an overused motivational quote that frequently sees my Facebook news feed: “You were born original, why die a copy?” Case and point.

– by The Black Widow