Tag Archives: family

Practical Presents

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No, I’m not talking about another kitchen appliance or undies in the Christmas stocking; I’m talking about a First Aid kit specifically marketed for dealing with the classic Christmas injuries and ailments mentioned in yesterday’s post.

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To prepare this gift (which is handmade, original and funny, so you’ve ticked all the boxes there) all you need is a hamper, some cellophane and a quick trip to Chemist Warehouse.

Breath mints – in anticipation of a Christmas kiss at your work break-up party.

Aspirin – for the Boxing Day hangover, or for the headache caused by being forced to watch the test match with people who inexplicably care about cricket.

Sunglasses – unfortunately, the sun is always brightest the morning after a big night.

Miniature Booze – hair of the dog. I recommend Tequila, but not everyone is a masochist.

Berocca – to help fight the aforementioned hangover and get help get back in to shape to start drinking again at lunch time.

Bacon – in my house, medicinal bacon is a thing and now that you’ve read this, it’ll no doubt be a thing at yours, too!

Gaviscon – because six helpings of roast and infinite dessert seemed like a great idea right up until it wasn’t anymore.

Band-aids – for the cuts and burns you got cooking your Xmas feast as well as the blisters you got dancing along with High-5 when watching Carols by Candlelight.

Arnica Cream – for the shiner your dad gave the seedy uncle for staring at your mother too long.

Ice Packs – for the genius who falls off the roof/step ladder/chair/back of the couch trying to decorate the house.

Aloe Vera gel – for the sunburn you got from falling asleep on the beach. White Christmas my arse.

A ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign – because Boxing Day shouldn’t start until midday; Grandmother’s just never seem to remember that rule.

An I.D bracelet with name, age, address, an emergency contact and blood type- for the drunken friend who feels that Christmas night is the appropriate time to rival Bear Grylls. They probably won’t make it past the mailbox, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

So while you’re out doing all your last minute gift shopping, make sure to stock up on these Christmas essentials. That way, you know your gift will be used and appreciated rather than stuck in a drawer along with yet another Mariah Carey Christmas CD from Great Aunty Edna.

– by Blaire Gillies

Pamper Your Pets this Christmas

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Dogs are a man’s best friend and a woman’s truest love. They share the bed at night, get unconditional love and kisses and are –ironically – never put in the doghouse when they make mistakes or forget to bring in the washing.

We don't mean this pampered...

We don’t mean this pampered…

With that in mind, it is surprising, and a little disappointing, that most pets don’t get a visit from Santa each year.

The owner is always a pet’s priority. All they want to do is make the people around them happy but we’re often so caught up in our own hectic life to really give them the same devotion in return.

I propose that this Christmas, everyone gets their pets (or your parents’/friends pets if you don’t have one) a gift. And I don’t mean one measly pigs ear or a single packet of Shmackos. I’m talking a hamper full of little treats to remind them that, no matter how busy you get, they’re always on your mind.

My suggestions for Pooch Pampering Hampers:

A New Bed – Your dog would love a fancy new bed just as much as you would. Something soft and warm to snuggle into at night would make them very happy.

Dental Chews – This little stocking-filler is both delicious and good for your dog’s health.

Bone – head to your local butcher and buy your dog a bone. They love to gnaw on bones and the marrow is an excellent treat. Not ideal for inside dogs though!

Natural Smoked Pigs Ears – As they are not for every day consumption, pigs ears make a really nice treat for your dog every now and then.

Squeaky Toys – Despite the noise being seriously irritating, your dog will love them. Just remind yourself of how happy they are every time you feel like throwing the rubber chicken out the window!

Another Dog – If you’ve got the space and the love, a companion for your Pooch is a wonderful idea. Giving them another dog to play with while you’re out means they won’t get lonely and they’ll always have someone to play with!

And while I’m not a cat person, I understand that some of you have an inexplicable adoration of the things, so here is a is a list of what you get your feline friends:

A crown – All cats seem to think they are rulers of all that they see. A crown will just act as a reminder to you and your family that you in fact belong to them, and you’d better not forget it.

A Robe – Because royalty looks stupid in a crown and no clothes.

Catnip – as well as being royalty, your Cat is also likely to be involved in a stealth Mafia operation. Drugs are like currency to these people.

A new brush – Royals like to be pampered by their slaves. Yes…that means you

So while you’re out doing your last minute Christmas shopping your family, don’t forget to consider the animal members of the clan as well!

– by Blaire Gillies

Merry Brag-mas

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Call me a bitch, but I hate those letters people send with their Christmas cards. You know the ones- the thinly veiled bragging about their overly pretentious children and photos of their dogs dressed as elves.

The way I see it, if we’re truly close friends/family, I already know all the exciting things happening in your world. I’ve followed your entire life story on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest. I don’t actually want a hard-copy letter exceeding 140 characters because there’s almost no chance I care enough to read the whole thing.

Christmas Card Book Our Letter

As I read through a few stashed in Xmas cards sent to my parents, I picked up on the basic formula fairly quickly. So, for those of you who have yet to send out your annual family newsletter, here’s a template for you to work with. Just fill in the blanks and you’re all set.

Dear Friend,

Can you believe how quickly this year has gone!? I sure can’t. Eldest Son has recently graduated from Melbourne University and with Honours in Biomedical Science! We’re so proud. He single- handedly cured cancer, saved small children from a burning building and scored a modelling contract with David Jones. Middle Child has met a new guy who fits in so well with the family. They’ve recently travelled overseas and are already busy planning their next adventure. Middle Child and Her Man are now proud parents!!!! Attached is a photo of their puppy, Fido. He’s our special boy!

"It was either this or coal for Christmas..."

“It was either this or coal for Christmas…”

Youngest Son has just finished year 11 and is anxiously awaiting the new year to begin studying. He has also been made school captain, house captain, bus captain, footy captain, Prime Minister and Batman. Such an amazing role model! Hubby is still slaving away at the bank every day, but he loves his job so no sign of retiring yet. We’re still playing couples tennis with the Smiths on the weekend, although I’ll need to buy a bigger skirt soon (ha ha). As for me, I’m still doing the same old thing- living off the fortune Hubby makes every day, but complaining about my stressful life. Being tall, blonde and in my mid-fifties is such a drag. Mrs What’s-Her-Name from next door has planted a new shrub in her yard, but the shade of green clashed with Eldest Son’s Jag, so I called the Homeowner’s Association to deal with it. Of course she found out about this from Mr Over-The-Road’s wife, the nosy little B. Some people can’t keep their noses out of it. Well, that’s all from us here in Brighton. Hoping you are well and wishing you all the best for 2014. Regards, Your Name.

Then you get those people who move beyond bragging and into the realms of blatant over-sharing. The extra- long paragraphs about all the injuries and illnesses they’ve suffered in the past twelve months and various statistics they found on the internet about their increasing morality rate.

Jerry went to the doctor in June for his regular colonoscopy. He turned to the doctor and said “Doc, you could at least buy me a drink first” (That one always cracks up Dr Hiney). Things are looking good, but he’s up for a prostate check next. Keep your fingers crossed for good news!

Vomit.

I much prefer the super-generic;

To X

Pre-Printed Christmas Greeting

From Y.

Signed, sealed and sent in under five minutes. If I really love you, I’ll call you on Christmas. Or add you to a mass-text MMS of a funny Christmas picture. It’s way more heartfelt.

Funny_Christmas_Comics

Contacts> Select All> MERRY CHRISTMAS! > Send

– by Blaire Gillies

The First Day of Christmas

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The twelve days of Christmas are finally here! Those twelve wonderful days where we get strange (and probably illegal in today’s society) presents like rare birds and small groups of humans doing weird things- Nine Lords A’Leaping, just what every girl needs!

However, for those of you who don’t find yourselves in the market for four Colly Birds or a dozen drummers, I’ve got twelve days of Christmas-inspired blog posts for you instead.

So, without further ado, on the first day of Christmas I give to you…The Dysfunctional Family Christmas Drinking Game.

This guy is obviously coming to my place for Christmas...

This guy is obviously coming to my place for Christmas…

Take ONE drink:
-Every time your Gran tells you/a family member to get a haircut
-You have to ask your drunken Aunt to stop shouting at the table
-Your grandpa expresses concerns about the value of your arts degree
-You catch your Nana folding up wrapping paper to ‘use again next year’
-You hear the phrase “back in my day” or “Some kids don’t even get presents…”
-Every time someone starts singing a Christmas carol (double drinks if they get the words wrong triple if other people join in)
-Someone calls you Scrooge for not wanting to be awake at 5am on Christmas day

Take TWO drinks:
–  Every time someone mentions how different you look from last year
–  Someone says “This isn’t Christmas weather!”
–  A general motion to break out the family videos and/or the childhood photos of you in your awkward Wizard phase.
– Every time a Grandparent says something politically incorrect
– Every time someone cries and/or a door is slammed

CHUG:
– Every time someone asks if/why you’re still single
– Your mother and her mother ask you to take sides in an argument
– Your uncle accidentally flirts with you
– Just before the family photo is taken. At least that way you’ll be smiling and you’ll forget it     ever happened.

So my friends, eat, drink and be Merry for we only spend quality time like this with our families once a year. Bless them.

– by Blaire Gillies