What in the Actual F Was My Teacher, My Obsession

Cue me screaming “WHAT DO YOU MEANNNN”.

I wasn’t expecting anything special from a movie called My Teacher, My Obsession, let’s be honest. It looked like one of those poorly acted midday Lifetime horrors, which is about as accurate as saying the sky is blue on a sunny day. Nevertheless, this was the third movie on my “Bronchitis Bedridden Netflix Movie Review” list so here we go.

My Teacher, My Obsession is a movie that gives the whole plot away in the damn title psych thriller film starring a bunch of people I’ve never heard of before Lucy Loken and Rusty Joiner. And before I go on, can we just quickly talk about how this guy’s name is Rusty Joiner. Like are you serious? About a million dirty jokes just popped into my head thinking about the name Rusty Joiner. I forgot what I was talking about now.

Love me some serious over-the-shoulder action.

As the name suggests, Loken’s character Kyla becomes infatuated with Rusty’s character, Chris (or Mr. Sumner), who starts a new teaching job at her school. Kyla befriends Chris’s daughter Riley (played by some other chick I’ve never heard of Laura Bilgeri) in a ploy to get closer to Chris, and, well, you know where this is going.

And SPOILER WARNING, even though the title pretty much is spoiler enough.

First and foremost, I think it’s important for me to say that this movie was horrendous. Like, very horrendous. Director Damian Romay, you should be ashamed.

There were several points in the movie where I was truly convinced that the people in this movie were doing this as a joke or something, and this film was a parody of midday Lifetime thriller movies with overdone storylines. But after doing some personal research, unfortunately, this movie was done in all seriousness, so I guess I should finish this review off.

So long story short, Kyla has the hots for Chris and befriends Riley, gets jealous of literally anyone who talks to him and schemes these baseless plots against people like the stereotypical mean girl Trisha who also has the hots for Chris, and her own mother who begins dating Chris… yes, her own mother.

Some of these ridiculous plots include:
– Pretending to be watched by a pervert to interrupt her mother’s date with Chris;
– Stealing Trisha’s flip phone, taking “racy” photos of herself with said phone, and then stuffing her own locker with printed out copies of said photos with “slut” written all over them to frame poor pretty Trisha;
– Sexting Chris from Trisha’s stolen phone to make her mother break up with him.
– And my personal favourite, calling Trisha to meet up with her after getting the poor girl investigated by the police, and then beating herself up and breaking her own damn fingers in front of Trisha while the dumb blonde is like “What are you doing?” and then crying that Trisha wholloped this crazy ass mfer.

Kyla is la-la-la-loca, in case you’re having trouble keeping up.

While it sounds like all the blame should be going to Kyla for being psychotic – even though there is no real reason why she should be this unhinged because the film didn’t give us a good enough reason for her to be – the award for supporting male lead in this toxic and also illegal relationship goes to Chris, who is as stupid as he is fine.

Mr. Sumner in all of his stupid-but-fine glory.

So after succeeding in making her mum dump his ass, he’s out on their driveway sitting in his dump truck, and Kyla gets into his car and starts hitting on him and then even mounts the poor fucker, and Chris does literally nothing to stop her. Maybe somewhere in the midst of his poorly acted lines he said something like “No. Stop.”, but he doesn’t, and the girl ends up pashing him while he just sits there. But then the guy just goes to school the next day like nothing happened! WHAT DO YOU MEAN.

Better yet, after convincing Riley to have a party at her house for her 18th birthday, Kyla sneaks off into Chris’s room, manages to seduce him somehow even though homeboy knows this is wrong and his daughter and all of her friends are literally outside the window, and then they nearly end up bonking until Riley walks in and catches them. And the movie wants us to believe that Chris is “so damaged from his cheating ex-wife and breaking up with Kyla’s mum” that he was susceptible to seduction by this little mf hoe. WHAT DO YOU MEAN.

If you’ve kept up this far, just wait… it gets even better.

In the climax of the movie, Chris is at the school clearing out his desk because he plans to quit to get away from Kyla’s ass – even though his teaching career should be well and truly over – and Riley’s there taking photos for some school thing… and Kyla manages to break out of the hospital she put herself in WITH A FUCKING SCALPEL, stabs Riley, holds Chris at SCALPEL point in an attempt to bonk him even though he could’ve clocked the stupid girl with those massive arms of his, kills this poor janitor just for trying to help Riley, knocks out Chris by accident and is like “Omg what did I do”, and then Riley knocks her out with A FUCKING CAMERA. AND THEN KYLA SURVIVES THIS BEATDOWN AND SOMEHOW DOESN’T GET THROWN INTO PRISON FOR KILLING THIS POOR JANITOR. WHAT DO YOU MEAN.

The acting was abysmal; the storyline managed to make no sense whatsoever even though it’s been done before; none of the characters reactions to things made any logical sense whatsoever; and pray tell me how tf this little girl manages to kill someone and incite fear into a bunch of other people and not get incarcerated for it.

If there was a saving grace to this movie, it was:
A) Rusty Joiner is fine af and;
B) The chick who played Trisha was also very ridiculously attractive.

Trisha: an unsung hero.

I am genuinely upset that I wasted 90 minutes of my life watching this absolute sack of shit that’s trying to disguise itself as a movie. And I’m ironically sad that this movie will take up space on my website.

Tl;dr: don’t waste your time even reading this movie’s synopsis.

And to everyone involved with this film, I’ll pray for you.

– by The Black Widow

Secret Obsession Was a Missed Home Run

London Tipton sure isn’t doing so well anymore.

While being bedridden with bronchitis, I found a new loving relationship with my Netflix account. Given that I’m in and out with work and all of my other hobbies and responsibilities, I barely have time to sit down and watch something on Netflix let alone scratch my arse. So with all this newfound time, I got to explore what was on offer from this entertainment giant. And one of those things on offer was Secret Obsession, starring Brenda Song and Mike Vogel.

Brenda Song plays a woman named Jennifer, who suffers a horrendous car accident but manages to survive; her husband Russell, played by Mike Vogel, begins to rehabilitate her back at their mountain lodge as she suffered short term memory loss and intense physical trauma.

I feel as if this “obsession” isn’t so secret tbh.

Now, before we go on, this is your official SPOILERS AHEAD warning; a strong majority of the plot will be revealed in this review, so if you want to watch this and discover it yourself, then I suggest you stop here.

I love psychological thrillers so much – I mean, I forced myself to sit through Triangle, which to this day I still don’t understand – but boy let me tell you that this one was very underwhelming.

Let’s start off with the obvious: the trailer itself gives away the “twist” of the movie. In fact, it’s fairly safe to say that if you watch the trailer, then you’ve watched the whole movie. This film had the foundation to be an amazing psych thriller, but it gave away too much too soon and there was no real “twist” that makes these sorts of movies incredible.

Before I continue, I need to give a brief rundown of the beginning of the film. So this movie starts off with Jennifer running away from a psycho killer to a deserted rest stop. She manages to get away from him but then get hits by a car, thus starting the rehabilitation process. You don’t see who the psycho killer is, but if you’ve watched the trailer, you know who it is.

It’s teased very early on that Russell is not who he seems, and is revealed before the midway point of the movie that he actually isn’t married to Jennifer but is just pretending.

There. That’s it. That’s the twist.

They tried very poorly to throw suspicion on this unnamed guy with dark hair that he was the psycho killer, when there was no real motive for him to be the killer. And then Russell kills him for asking about Jennifer at the hospital, and then that’s literally the last we ever see of him. No explanation as to why he was hanging around or why his character was relevant to the storyline. Nothing. And he still doesn’t have a name. Oh, and then Russell brings this poor bastard back to their mountain lodge and buries them RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BEDROOM WINDOW which Jennifer slightly witnesses. Russell, I feel as if you don’t know how to cover your tracks well, sis.

Oh, and Russell shows Jennifer pictures of them from their wedding and other events to prove that he is her husband… but they are so POORLY PHOTOSHOPPED that I don’t understand how Jennifer wasn’t like “Lol bro u srz”. Everyone’s just like “Oh I see the skin colours don’t match, but yolo, you’re defs her husband no doubts about it.”

We find out that “Russell” is actually Ryan, who worked with Jennifer and the real Russell and was obsessed with her but didn’t have her. Then one day he casually decided to invade their home, kill Russell, and then try kill Jennifer even though he was in love with her (try make sense of that) which led to the car accident. Oh, and at some point, Ryan killed Jennifer’s parents so no one that cared about her would try and find her. Makes sense. What I don’t get, however, is that Ryan kept Russell’s dead body in the boot of Jennifer’s car, which he stole, and then buried ol’ mate unnamed in their backyard, but just left Jennifer’s parents bodies to rot in their home. Like he made no effort to cover that up whatsoever. In what world did Ryan think this stupid plan of his was gonna work.

To make his stupid plan sound even stupider, he gave false information to the hospital when he signed out Jennifer… like do you think they would just not follow up on this false information? Like I don’t understand how this guy thought he was going to get away with this.

Anyways, this seemingly incompetent detective, played by Dennis Haysbert, catches onto Ryan’s plan and eventually finds the mountain lodge. Then, the following set of events occur:
– Ryan knocks the detective out before he can save Jennifer;
– Some shit happens;
– Jennifer escapes the house after clocking him with a vase and NOT DOUBLE TAPPING and runs away on her bung ankle;
– Ryan follows her;
– The detective regains consciousness, because for some reason Ryan didn’t think to kill him, and goes after them;
– Jennifer tries to knock Ryan out but fails and he gets on top;
– The detective interferes before Ryan can kill Jennifer (which I still don’t understand if he apparently loves her so much) and they brawl;
– Jennifer gets a hold of the gun and kills Ryan.

Are you following? Cool. Because that’s the end of the movie. Well, there’s some little “three months later” scene but that’s about it.

To their credit, Secret Obsession had some pretty good acting on Song and Vogel’s behalf, but that was really the only saving grace.

I’m just so disappointed that this movie, which was set up to be a full home run, but only managed to be a single at best. Also this might just be me because I hate feet, but there was a lot of (Brenda Song’s) feet featured in this movie. So thumbs down for that.

Also, if I woke up from a coma and Mike Vogel was claiming to be my husband, I wouldn’t question it. I think that was the biggest flaw about this movie tbh.

If this man was threatening to “give me everything I’ve ever wanted”, I’d send him to Victoria’s Secret with a shopping list and forget that he killed everyone in my life.

Tl;dr: the plot is given away in the trailer. If you want to watch the movie, just watch the trailer. But if you want to watch the full movie, Mike Vogel’s in it looking fooiiine (refer to above).

This movie tried – like it really tried – to be one of those iconic psych thrillers, but it just failed to deliver. Also I still don’t understand the relevance of ol’ mate dark hair to the plot. Ol’ mate dark hair wants justice!!

– by The Black Widow