This one’s for the ladies out there.

This is the desired effect, minus the falling in love at the end part. (CREDIT: issye Flickr page)

Have you ever been in a relationship with a man who is a nice guy and everything but you weren’t feeling that spark anymore? You really wanted to end things with him but didn’t have the heart to dump him because he was such a quality bloke? Or what about that guy you had a one night stand with and, thinking that was going to be it, you walk off and start receiving calls and messages from him saying “You’re not like any other girl he’s ever met”. You’re too kind to flip him the bird… so what do you do?

Well, if you’re either one of those girls, it’s simple: make him want to dump you. Inspired by one of my favourite movies How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, I am here to give the women out there tips and advice on how to make a guy find you so darn repulsive and irritating that he will be running away with his tail in between his legs.

Smother him in front of his friends
Men like to appear very unattached and masculine in front of their friends, so if you were to drop by at a footy night at his place with a basket full of muffins and strawberry milkshakes made for him and all of his friends, chances are you will nearly embarrass the man to death. Ask “pookie” if he wants you to tuck him into bed later that night or read him a bedtime story. Tell “sugarmuffin” how much you absolutely love him in front of his friends and recall a time where he was so romantic that his friends laugh. Cuddle up to him on the couch while he’s trying to watch his beloved Brisbane Broncos play the Bulldogs and continue interrupting his game by kissing him or telling him how cutesy wutesy he looks.

Channel your inner Cher Horowitz
You’ve seen Clueless right? About the vapid blonde who has a heart of gold? Well, amplify that by about 1000x and tell your man how absolutely horrified you were that the Manolo Blahnik’s you thought were on sale were actually mispriced. Errgh, what a tragedy! Men aren’t interested in your girly dilemmas and most likely will not understand them. No man will happily sit through a lecture about the differences between wax and laser hair removal, or why wearing lip gloss and lip stainer creates a better effect than lipstick. Bore him to tears with your femininity and he will be pissbolting out that door before you can even say Chanel.

Baby talk
Men like being men; strong, adult humans of the XY chromosome, so talking to them as if they’re cute puppies or adorable little toddlers will drive them insane. His name’s Michael? Not anymore! It’s Mikeypoobear from now on! Chris? Chrissyboy! David? Daveywavey! Also in reference to “Smothering him in front of his friends”, vamp up the baby talk so bad that you may even forget that he is actually a full-time working businessman. Grab those cheeks of his at the most inappropriate times and shout “GOOCHY GOOCHY GOO” and I will assure you, the last thing he is thinking is how much he wants to be with you.

Bring the future to you
You know what scares a man even more than a scary clown bed? The future, more specifically, paving his future from him. Sit him down with a nice bowl of strawberry ice-cream and tell him how you plan on moving to Los Angeles to follow your dream of becoming an actress after getting married to him in a traditional family wedding with four bridesmaids and groomsmen. When you’re living in Los Angeles, of course, he will be staying at home with your six children being the househusband because your aspirations are much more important than his. Your children will naturally be in the order of a boy, a girl, two boys, and two girls, and you would even know the names of these children whilst having this conversation over strawberry ice-cream. After finishing this discussion, if he is still sitting there… the man has issues.

Pointless phone calls and other forms of communication
Call that man in the middle of the night when he is trying to get some important Z’s in and tell him what you had to eat that entire day and whether or not he thinks you’re overweight or not. Write on his Facebook wall every 2 minutes with a cute love heart or smiley face or even both put together! Flood his text inbox with messages asking him what he is doing and whether he is thinking about you. Leave a dozen or so voicemessages on his phone asking where he is and why he isn’t answering his phone. I can’t think of a worse punishment to be honest.

Irrational jealousy
Jealousy is commonly associated with the colour green. You want to appear so green that the Hulk would be jealous of your cool tan. Call your man and when he picks up on the second ring, accuse him of cheating on you because he didn’t answer on the first. Ask for his Facebook password and when he questions why? Tell him it’s because he has other females as friends on Facebook and you want to see if any of them are inboxing him. Grill him for being closer with his mother than he is with you – because that’s a completely rational thought to have, right?

As you are reading this, I expect a few men will be cringing and even a few women might, because nothing would be more painful than having to sit through all of that for someone you apparently love. If that doesn’t work? Slap a restraining order on the bloke because there is no way someone sane will hang around after doing all that to him!

– by The Black Widow