Weird Dealbreakers: Over Before it Started

For those of you who call it quits for the strangest reasons.

We’re all familiar with the obvious dealbreakers: he doesn’t have a close relationship with his parents, she is a kleptomaniac, he doesn’t have any career goals, she beats up animals for fun… but what about those really odd ones that makes you stop and think, “Hey, I’m really weird”.

Yep. That's pretty weird.

Yep. That’s pretty weird.

So, being the natually curious person that I am, I took to social media to ask guys and gals: “What are some of your weird dealbreakers?” The answers I got were entertaining to say the least. Feast your eyes on another example of the difference between guys and girls:

What guys think…
“If she likes the Kardashians. No. Definitely not.”
“Girls who try to talk dirty during sex but sound awful.”
“Poor spelling and grammar.”
“Fake tan use.”
“Ignoring me.”
“Bad with money.”
“Can’t control themselves when they’re drunk.”
“Calls her father ‘daddy’.”
“If she goes to a concert and doesn’t enjoy herself. Why are you even here?”
“Plays Xbox One instead of PS4.”
“Hates dogs.”
“If she likes rugby league.”
“Calls herself a feminist but isn’t a feminist.”
“Has a Tumblr account.”
“Beats me in bowling.”
“Wears a rash shirt to the beach.”
“Listens to Taylor Swift.”
“If she drinks beer.”

What girls think…
“Someone who tries to share my drink. I’m not down with mouth germs!”
“JEANS AND JOGGERS! No matter how good looking you are – biggest turn off!”
“People who wear trackpants outside of the house and they aren’t going to the gym.”
“When dudes’ lips aren’t chapped.”
“People who wear black shoes with white socks… eww.”
“Any man you can tell spends longer on their hair than you.”
“Men from the Shire.”
“Men who enjoy too much man jewellery.”
“Short stubby fingernails!”
“‘Tribal’ tattoos on people I know to have fully European heritage.”
“The colours yellow or gold, especially in relation to footwear, shirts and cars.”
“Guys who wear jeans with thongs!”
“Guys who seriously say ‘Who’s your daddy?'”
“People who say ‘fff’ instead of ‘th’… example ‘Penrifff’.”
“Guys who wear uggboots or are religious.”
“Anyone who touches their belly button or my belly button. No.”
“If he has skinny legs.”
“Guys who aren’t comfortable with me sleeping in the same bed as my gay best friend.”

And there you have it. I’m so glad I’m not the only one with weird dealbreakers. It’s always refreshing to know there are other weirdos out there.

– by Noah La’ulu

How to Get Dumped (On Purpose!)

This one’s for the ladies out there.

This is the desired effect, minus the falling in love at the end part. (CREDIT: issye Flickr page)

This is the desired effect, minus the falling in love at the end part. (CREDIT: issye Flickr page)

Have you ever been in a relationship with a man who is a nice guy and everything but you weren’t feeling that spark anymore? You really wanted to end things with him but didn’t have the heart to dump him because he was such a quality bloke? Or what about that guy you had a one night stand with and, thinking that was going to be it, you walk off and start receiving calls and messages from him saying “You’re not like any other girl he’s ever met”. You’re too kind to flip him the bird… so what do you do?

Well, if you’re either one of those girls, it’s simple: make him want to dump you. Inspired by one of my favourite movies How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, I am here to give the women out there tips and advice on how to make a guy find you so darn repulsive and irritating that he will be running away with his tail in between his legs.

Smother him in front of his friends
Men like to appear very unattached and masculine in front of their friends, so if you were to drop by at a footy night at his place with a basket full of muffins and strawberry milkshakes made for him and all of his friends, chances are you will nearly embarrass the man to death. Ask “pookie” if he wants you to tuck him into bed later that night or read him a bedtime story. Tell “sugarmuffin” how much you absolutely love him in front of his friends and recall a time where he was so romantic that his friends laugh. Cuddle up to him on the couch while he’s trying to watch his beloved Brisbane Broncos play the Bulldogs and continue interrupting his game by kissing him or telling him how cutesy wutesy he looks.

Channel your inner Cher Horowitz
You’ve seen Clueless right? About the vapid blonde who has a heart of gold? Well, amplify that by about 1000x and tell your man how absolutely horrified you were that the Manolo Blahnik’s you thought were on sale were actually mispriced. Errgh, what a tragedy! Men aren’t interested in your girly dilemmas and most likely will not understand them. No man will happily sit through a lecture about the differences between wax and laser hair removal, or why wearing lip gloss and lip stainer creates a better effect than lipstick. Bore him to tears with your femininity and he will be pissbolting out that door before you can even say Chanel.

Baby talk
Men like being men; strong, adult humans of the XY chromosome, so talking to them as if they’re cute puppies or adorable little toddlers will drive them insane. His name’s Michael? Not anymore! It’s Mikeypoobear from now on! Chris? Chrissyboy! David? Daveywavey! Also in reference to “Smothering him in front of his friends”, vamp up the baby talk so bad that you may even forget that he is actually a full-time working businessman. Grab those cheeks of his at the most inappropriate times and shout “GOOCHY GOOCHY GOO” and I will assure you, the last thing he is thinking is how much he wants to be with you.

Bring the future to you
You know what scares a man even more than a scary clown bed? The future, more specifically, paving his future from him. Sit him down with a nice bowl of strawberry ice-cream and tell him how you plan on moving to Los Angeles to follow your dream of becoming an actress after getting married to him in a traditional family wedding with four bridesmaids and groomsmen. When you’re living in Los Angeles, of course, he will be staying at home with your six children being the househusband because your aspirations are much more important than his. Your children will naturally be in the order of a boy, a girl, two boys, and two girls, and you would even know the names of these children whilst having this conversation over strawberry ice-cream. After finishing this discussion, if he is still sitting there… the man has issues.

Pointless phone calls and other forms of communication
Call that man in the middle of the night when he is trying to get some important Z’s in and tell him what you had to eat that entire day and whether or not he thinks you’re overweight or not. Write on his Facebook wall every 2 minutes with a cute love heart or smiley face or even both put together! Flood his text inbox with messages asking him what he is doing and whether he is thinking about you. Leave a dozen or so voicemessages on his phone asking where he is and why he isn’t answering his phone. I can’t think of a worse punishment to be honest.

Irrational jealousy
Jealousy is commonly associated with the colour green. You want to appear so green that the Hulk would be jealous of your cool tan. Call your man and when he picks up on the second ring, accuse him of cheating on you because he didn’t answer on the first. Ask for his Facebook password and when he questions why? Tell him it’s because he has other females as friends on Facebook and you want to see if any of them are inboxing him. Grill him for being closer with his mother than he is with you – because that’s a completely rational thought to have, right?

As you are reading this, I expect a few men will be cringing and even a few women might, because nothing would be more painful than having to sit through all of that for someone you apparently love. If that doesn’t work? Slap a restraining order on the bloke because there is no way someone sane will hang around after doing all that to him!

– by The Black Widow

I Said What?

If there is one thing that I have learned in life, it’s that it is always good to poke fun of yourself in any given situation. The people who can easily make fun of themselves, the ones who don’t take life too seriously, are generally the ones that are happier and more optimistic in life than the ones who can’t take a joke.

Blondes may be stereotyped as "dumb", but at least they have more fun, right?

Blondes may be stereotyped as “dumb”, but at least they have more fun, right?

It is for that reason that I give to you the following comical and severely unintelligent quotes from yours truly that I have unfortunately uttered throughout the course of my life in front of other people. Who said you had to have blonde hair to have a blonde moment?

Top “I Said What” Moments (that I can recall)

Friend: I’m saving up to buy a Lambourghini.
Me: Lambourghini, is that some type of expensive spaghetti?
– In my defense, I got Lambourghini and linguine mixed up and found it bizarre that someone would go to so much effort to save up money for pasta.

On a bus for a school excursion and the bus drives passed a huge mountain of dirt just outside Goulburn, NSW…
Me: Oh my god, is that Uluru?
– I have no defense really for this one. To make matters worse, this was on my first day at that school. Also, Geography was never my strongest point.

Cousin: I’m studying Radiology.
Me: Radiology… is that like to do with tanning beds and stuff?
– Surely one can make a connection with the UV rays in solariums and the word “radiology”.

My family and I are having a conversation about “boat people” and I’ve taken offense to the term boat people…
Me: Can you stop calling them boat people? That’s so rude.
Sister: Well that’s where they’ve come from.
Me: Well I came from a uterus; does that make me a uterus person?
– I’m sure other people often make silly remarks like this in the heat of the situation. Anyone?

Playing with my best friend’s baby boy and I pick up a parrot plush toy…
Me: (acting as the toy) Neeeeeigh!
– I didn’t know what noises parrots made and panicked. Imagine that poor boy’s confusion when he sees a horse for the first time.

Talking about the country Norway with my friend…
Me: I want to go to Norwegia one day.
Friend: It’s Norway.
Me: No it isn’t. It’s Norwegia, as in “this pillow is Norwegian”, not Norwayan.
A Cinderella Story confused me.

My friends at college are having a conversation and I interrupt them…
Me: This is a legit question, but like, is Willy Wonka real? Like I know the Oompa Loompas aren’t real and that the factory isn’t real, but like is there a real Willy Wonka?
– I still can’t believe Willy Wonka isn’t a real, tangible person.

Driving with my best friend to a Broncos game at Allianz Stadium…
Me: Is this Moore Park Rd?
Bestie: No.
Me: Okay… so are we on Moore Park Rd?
Bestie: NO!
Me: Are we on Moore Park Rd now, though?
– In my defense, the green sign said “Moore Park Rd” and it had an arrow pointing straight so I just assumed we were already on Moore Park Rd.

Talking about the PS4 and how it’s not “backwards compatible”…
Me: Why would you want your PS4 to face backwards anyway? That’s a bit stupid, don’t you think?
– What else was I supposed to think?

Examining a shower that has the cold knob underneath the hot knob…
Me: Do you reckon if I look at these upside down that the cold will be hot and the hot will be cold?
– There is absolutely no defense for this.

I’m sure there are more classic Nikki moments floating around there somewhere, but you’d be here for days if you were to read them all. This was an attempt a light-hearted, humorous article post and to show that it is totally okay to make fun of yourself on the rare occasion. Everyone makes mistakes; nobody’s perfect.

– by The Black Widow