Review: Beautiful Bastard

Time for another hard-hitting review, and by hard-hitting, I don’t mean hard-hitting at all. A bit of a backstory behind this one: my best friend Rebecca had a Dymocks gift card sitting in her wallet for about 9 months and she insisted that she was “definitely going to use it” one day. Last week, as I peroused her wallet to laugh at her license picture like I always do, I saw the Dymocks gift card still sitting there so I said (yelled) “Are you going to use this bloody gift card or can I finally have it?” Without putting up a fight, she just gave it to me. The next day, I entered Dymocks and purchased myself an intriguing sounding book curiously titled “Beautiful Bastard”… along with an Aquarius bookmark.

So, without further ado, here is…

This curiously titled book has gained an enormous amount of fame, even having its own website dedicated to making a movie adaptation.

This curiously titled book has gained an enormous amount of fame, even having its own website dedicated to making a movie adaptation.

The Beautiful Bastard is an adult romance novel written in first-person from the perspectives of both of its main characters: Chloe Mills, the young, sassy spitfire intern at Ryan Media who works for the arrogant, overbearing and, for lack of a better term, prickish Bennett Ryan. The novel explores the work and personal relationships between the aforementioned characters, the latter of which becomes intense and almost dangerous to a point. This novel is written by two women, Christina and Lauren, who join together to form – gasp – Christina Lauren.

The storyline of the novel was interesting to say the least; the ongoing struggle of power between Chloe and Bennett is captivating and sometimes humorous and as a casual reader, it must be good if it sucked me in and urged me to continue reading. Chloe’s wild sass vs. Bennett’s stubborn chauvinism was an interesting war to witness and the interactions between the two characters were always attention-grabbers. As this is an adult novel, there was bound to be some sex… except I wasn’t expecting as much sex as this novel provided. The main issue I had with the book was the countless amounts of repetitive sex they had; it seemed as if the novel just had the main cycle of “Argue, sex and repeat” as that is what generally happened with Chloe and Bennett.

The developing relationship between the two was entertaining but to me, it didn’t quite make sense. If I genuinely hated someone with a flaming passion, I’m pretty sure the last thing I would want to do is constantly have sex with them. However, it began to get a bit cute when Chloe was girlfriend-possessive of Bennett when he was speaking to other women and he’d do the same to her when she was speaking to other men. In regards to that, the “Joel” factor of the story wasn’t exactly solved and it didn’t quite bring me closure; what happened to Joel? Does he know what’s going on between Chloe and Bennett?

The style of writing was casual yet sophisticated, making it easy for the casual reader to take in. The choice of language made it easy to relate to being a young adult myself. There was a definite contrast of language being used between Chloe’s perspective and Bennett’s perspective, with one notable mention to Bennett’s overusage of the word “Christ”.

Overall, this story was encapturing and entertaining, sexy and spicy and all-around outrageously fun. There were a few tidbits of the story that I wasn’t completely happy with but nothing’s perfect really. I think this story is a great read for young adults alike who either want a good story to get lost in or just want some light, easy reading full of sultry language and sexy scenes.

Solst-o-meter
Storyline: 7.8/10
Style of writing: 8.2/10
Overall: 8.0/10

Till next time… Noah out!

– by Noah La’ulu

5 Worst Dressed Female Video Game Characters

Before I start my list, I’d just like to write a little disclaimer of sorts: most, if not all of the choices listed in this countdown have been designed for one main purpose: sex appeal. I get that and acknowledge it, but there are ways a character can be dressed sexily and still look comfortable enough to stop a zombie outbreak or win a fighting tournament. Take Catwoman, for example, who manages to have only her face showing in her outfit but still look sexy.

Alas, here are the 5 Worst Dressed Female Video Game Characters… to date, at least.

5. Jill Valentine (Resident Evil 3)

Resident Evil's main heroine made a poor choice in wearing this ensemble.

Resident Evil’s main heroine made a poor choice in wearing this ensemble.

I have a strange habit of planning my day-to-day outfits based on zombie apocalypses; I literally stop and think “Hey, if an outbreak were to occur while I am wearing this outfit, would I be comfortable enough to run around in it for the rest of my life?” Of course I want to look good as well, so as comfortable as a pair of trackies and uggies seem, I’d rather not wear that during an outbreak.

In saying that, the last thing I would want to be wearing is a short pencil skirt that seems to be made of denim and a sweater permanently tied around my waist. This outfit could possibly be the most impractical zombie killing outfit ever assembled with the only saving light being those sick brown combat boots that I admittedly want. There would be no bigger pain than running away from a pack of zombies and jumping over a fence all the while trying to protect your modesty by covering your lady bits that may or may not be exposed because you are wearing a ridiculous short pencil skirt.

Fortunately for Jill, she wisened up and wore a Catwoman-esque purple battlesuit in Resident Evil 5 with a new hairdo, no less.

4. Christie (Dead or Alive 4)

Seems legit... right?

Seems legit… right?

While Jill has to constantly conceal her modesty in her short skirt, she at least had underwear on underneath (or so you would assume) while Christie just decided to wear nothing underneath her open jacket. Even though Dead or Alive isn’t exactly known for its female modesty, you’d think that designing an outfit for a female game character that only had an open jacket covering her upper body would be silly, right?

Realistically, if a woman decided to wear an open jacket with no form of undergarment, one slight breeze and your chest would be revealed for everyone, so I wonder what went through the game designers mind when they thought that this was appropriate? It wouldn’t have been hard to give her a little lacy bra that would still have had the same sex-vamp effect. Either way, this questionable outfit makes Jill’s skirt-and-sweater combo look like a professional battle suit.

3. Mai Shiranui (Fatal Fury and King of Fighter series)

I can't even begin to explain what this outfit technically is.

I can’t even begin to explain what this outfit technically is.

Video game reviewers and enthusiasts alike have noted that Fatal Fury became interesting when Mai Shiranui was included, and I agree with them on the basis that a female fighter was refreshing much like the inclusion of Chun Li in Street Fighter and Sonya Blade in Mortal Kombat. The male majority of those who sung praise for the character, however, mainly liked one thing: her (lack of) costume… and maybe the fact that her character animation included a boob jiggle.

Let’s be frank: when you have boobs that big, two thin straps of red are probably not going to keep your bosoms neatly tucked in during a fight. I would even go so far as to say that there is far more material that forms that white tail thing she has got going on than she has covering her actual body.

Not only does she have to contest with the fact that her outfit leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination, but she has to lag around a white tail which could’ve been used for, I don’t know, an actual top.

2. Ivy Valentine (Soulcalibur Series)

Yep. That happened.

Yep. That happened.

Ivy is my first-choice character in the Soulcalibur series, what with her pirate background, icy demeanour and wicked “snake sword” which is basically a sword and a whip at the same time. What I wasn’t too fond of about the character was the fact that her outfit is just a bunch of purple straps criss crossing all over the place so that all her bits are “technically” covered.

What I find even funnier about this choice outfit is the fact that her accessories cover more than her actual outfit: it’s as if the designers were like “Hey, let’s balance out this skanky outfit by making her wear thigh-high boots and a big metal arm so there’s not too much going on there”. Surely if someone has time time to put on those mega boots and a metal arm, they’d have time to put on a decent top as opposed to a piece of purple dental floss that is only barely covering the nipples.


1. Mileena (Mortal Kombat 9)

You probably wouldn't have noticed her Tarkatan features because you're too busy staring in awe.

You probably wouldn’t have noticed her Tarkatan features because you’re too busy staring in awe.

The deadly Kitana-clone Mileena hasn’t exactly been known for her modest outfits but at least her previous choices have had some sort of practicality to them. I wouldn’t even classify this as an outfit or a costume or anything to do with clothing because this is, plain and simple, bandages strategically placed so that nothing is technically showing.

The Challenge Tower in Mortal Kombat 9 is an interesting feature that brings you challenge after challenge after challenge. What do you win when you complete the Challenge Tower? Mileena in bandages!

I can’t even begin to explain what is wrong with this. It just isn’t scientifically impossible for bandages to stay that still in battle let alone if you’re falling through the floor just to appear in the sky to kick the other person in the head. There is absolutely no practicality in this “design” so it’s anvil-sky obvious why this “design” was created in the first place.

Maybe these designers need to take a page out of (my personal favourite) Miss Harley Quinn’s book, who not only manages to look sexy and have a completely unique look but also manages to be practical in the sense that running around with only a strap holding you in is probably not the wisest idea. This representation of females in video games, especially those of the action variety, will probably never cease, but they could at least come up with better ideas for costumes because this is just atrocious.

– by The Black Widow

Tipping for Dummies: Round 20

We’ve officially hit Round 20 where it’s all business. The race is on for the teams not currently in the top 8 to make it and it’s a fight for the top 8 teams to keep their spot. With that being said… welcome to Tipping for Dummies!

Everybody's favourite "Tipping for Dummies!"

Everybody’s favourite “Tipping for Dummies!”

SolSat’s Prediction Count from Round 19: 4 out of 6 (66%)

Not bad, not bad. Let’s see if I can do better this round.

Friday 26th July, 2013
North Queensland Cowboys vs. Brisbane Broncos

My main team going up against my next most favourite team. The rivals face off against one another again. Both teams had byes last week so this game is sure to be fast-paced, hard-hitting, solid footy action. With several big changes in the Broncos squad, which some argue is a long time coming, the Broncos are looking to lift my spirits and end their losing streak with a decisive victory over Thurston and Scott’s Cowboys.

SolSat’s Prediction: Brisbane Broncos

Personal biased aside, I truly believe that with the changes in my squad that the Broncos will pull out the duke in this one. Hoffman is in his element as fullback and Wallace hasn’t been playing up to scratch so I strongly believe that the change in squad will benefit the #bronxnation and lead us to victory, especially seeing as our top 8 dreams are diminishing. C’mon Broncos! Do me proud!

Canterbury Bulldogs vs. Parramatta Eels
I actually have the privilege of attending this game as a journalist with an official media pass and all… but aside from that, it was announced that the Eels are definitely out of the top 8 finals unfortunately for them. Meanwhile, the Doggies linger out on the outskirts of the top 4. If any other team could snag a top 4 position, it’d be the Doggies.

SolSat’s Prediction: Canterbury Bulldogs

Let’s face it, the Eels are going up against a brick wall. Add the extra de-motivation of having no finals dreams to strive for and the Doggies have got this one in the bag. I feel so bad for poor Mannah though… oh well. There’s always another year!

Saturday 27th July, 2013
St. George Illawarra Dragons vs. Canberra Raiders
A bad turn of luck whacked the Dragons like a cricket ball to the netheregions; SolSat favourite Matt Cooper returned from injury in Round 19 just to be sidelined for the rest of the season with another injury. This setback will only harm the Dragons as they go into battle with the ever impressive Canberra Raiders.

SolSat’s Prediction: Canberra Raiders

The Raiders are riding on a wave of momentum and the Dragons are unfortunately going to be crushed by the wave. Ferguson is rumoured to come back for the Raiders so if he does… good luck Dragons.

Gold Coast Titans vs. South Sydney Rabbitohs
The Bunnies were heavily predicted to win against the Dragons last week so to see them lose was a major shock to the NRL world entirely. People may say that is because of Inglis being sidelined but even without Inglis, the squad is still talented enough to pull out a victory. The Titans are coming off a loss against the Sea Eagles who, let’s face it, are a shoe in for at least the semi finals.

SolSat’s Prediction: South Sydney Rabbitohs

The loss against the Dragons last week should have lit a fire underneath the Bunnies, telling them to not get comfortable even if they are on top of the ladder. The Titans haven’t had much luck recently and I’m expecting their bad luck to continue unfortunately, even with their impressive squad.

Sunday 28th July, 2013
New Zealand Warriors vs. Melbourne Storm
My Storm-fanatic brother has openly admitted that the premiers Achilles heel seems to be the Warriors unorthodox offense so this was a tough one to call. I agree with him. It’s as if the Warriors play for fun instead of points and that approach to footy may just be the catalyst of their uprise.

SolSat’s Prediction: Melbourne Storm

Besides the fact that they’re the favourite to win the premiership (again), I’m tentatively going with the Storm this time around because surely, the “Big 3” can somehow figure out a way to defend against the Warrior’s offense.

Cronulla Sharks vs. Penrith Panthers
The Sharks are coming off, bluntly putting it, the second most humiliating loss – after the Broncos shocker to the Warriors. The Sharks core in Paul Gallen is still not cleared to play so the Panthers are hoping to take advantage of that.

SolSat’s Prediction: Cronulla Sharks

Not gonna lie, I actually chose the Sharks based on dollar bet. These two teams are evenly matched, especially with the Sharks lack of main players and the lack of Mansour for the Panthers. I am expecting a great game of footy between these two teams so that’s what I’m hoping for.

Newcastle Knights vs. Sydney City Roosters
I don’t need to write about how great the Roosters’ season has been excellent and, while on the topic of the Roosters, I’d like to acknowledge the rumour that Martin Kennedy is set to sign the Broncos for next season. While we desperately need backs, I will gladly accept him. The Knights have been kind of mediocre in the season so they look to improve on that.

SolSat’s Prediction: Sydney City Roosters

The Roosters are too damn good to lose now, even against the Knights. If someone is going to derail the Chookies’ momentum right now, it’ll have to be one of the top teams: the Bunnies, the Storm or the Eagles. Other than that, they seem to be unstoppable.

Monday 29th July, 2013
West Tigers vs. Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles
The Tigers dreams of getting into the top 8 are very slim to none at the moment but at least they still have a shimmer of hope as opposed to the Eels. In what was an impressive game last week despite the loss, the Tigers are going to be desperate for this win against the Eagles tonight.

SolSat’s Prediction: Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles

The Sea Eagles, with SolSat new favourite Brenton Lawrence, are predicted to defeat the Tigers with ease this round and I have to agree on that one. The Eagles are favourites to take the premiership this year and they will show why in their game against the Tigers.

One day I will get a perfect tipping score on Tipping for Dummies and I will gladly/boastfully redirect everyone back to here and be like “HA! 100%!” Until then… have a satisfying day!

– by The Black Widow

6 Things That Defined My 90’s Childhood

Growing up in the 90’s was an absolute privilege, in my personal opinion. This was before the cameraphones and smart phones and all the technology and entertainment systems that are out today. For entertainment, we chased each other around playing tips where there was one central pole of “bar” and where board games were the most amazing thing you could have. My upbringing in the last decade of the 20th century was so amazing that I decided to write something about it. Being born ’93, I am probably just in the demographic that can say that they were raised in the 90s, with the latter years in the decade being too young to really appreciate the greatest decade of history.

Any true 90's kid will remember this logo. (SOURCE: Wonderlandhistory.net)

Any true 90’s kid will remember this logo. (SOURCE: Wonderlandhistory.net)

1. Morning cartoon television, or more specifically, Cheez TV

In what was originally just going to be “Pokemon”, I stopped and thought “Hey, that means I”ll be excluding Dragon Ball Z, Sailor Moon, Digimon and other morning cartoons that made my childhood so great”. All 90’s kids should remember who Jade Gatt and Ryan Lappin are, and if not, here’s a small reminder – Cheez TV. They were the two young, cool hosts of Cheez TV who generally performed entertaining segments in between cartoons in the morning. I remember waking up at 7 in the morning because the cartoon they usually showed at 6:30 generally wasn’t the popular one and running to the lounge room to watch my daily morning dosage of cartoons which consisted of the likes of Pokemon and Dragon Ball Z. Although, if you did wake up to watch the 6:30 cartoon and woke up too early, you’d be stuck watching Aerobics. I was there when Ash’s Pikachu beat Brock’s Onix with the aid of a fire sprinkler; I was there when Goku and Vegeta duked it out for what seemed like forever. In comparison to the cartoons on today’s television, these were unstoppable; the cartoons today are full of singing and people dressed up in large, animal costumes who skip around and sing some more while the 90’s cartoons were action-packed and always entertaining. I feel sorry the children of the 21st century who didn’t wake up to Jade and Ryan’s faces every weekday morning.

2. The evolution of the Nintendo

It was a rare treat for kids to have a gaming console in the 90s unlike today where you just expect every house to have one. I remember being absolutely heartbroken when my Super Nintendo broke… I couldn’t save the day anymore with Mario and beat Birdo in that level where you jump on the eggs that it shoots out and throw it back, and I couldn’t play the very first Mortal Kombat where Sonya was the least bit sexy compared to what she looks like now. The void in my life was filled when my parents bought us a Nintendo 64 for Christmas which provided me with such entertainment from titles such as Diddy Kong Racing and Mario Party. I used to always harass my parents or older siblings to take me to the video store so I could rent a game and sit on it for hours straight. These legendary titles are slowly becoming rare and their prices are rising in video game economics. Even so, my Nintendo 64 which to this day still functions properly, will never be up for sale.

3. Wonderland, Bring It Back

I lived in Bathurst for the first 9 years of my life so I couldn’t visit Wonderland as much as some other children might have but I remember, for some reason, my Dad would be able to take us to Wonderland for free as part of a deal from his work like once a year so it was an annual tradition for my family to go to Wonderland. Because I was a youngun when I went, I only specifically remember going to Hanna Barbera land and other kiddish rides; I was also too young to drive a dodgem car by myself so I would steer while my Dad would be next to me handling the pedal. I still remember that pounding heart excitement feeling I would get just walking through the gate and standing underneath the sign and I would feel that way for the entire day. I think my personal favourite ride was the one where you would sit on a plane that you could make go up and fly in the air or go down and travel along the water and you’d just go around in a circle until the ride stopped. Reading about Wonderland closing down absolutely tore me and I would (metaphorically) kill to see it come back. RIP Wonderland Sydney.

4. WWF, and not the panda version either

Before World Wrestling Entertainment was led by all-american hero John Cena, it was World Wrestling Federation and it was led by Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock and D-Generation X. Wrestling nowadays doesn’t have the cult following it used to have especially in the 90’s when the Attitude Era was in its prime. It was pretty much guaranteed that nearly every kid watched wrestling, whether it was casually or religiously. The characters of wrestling in the 90s were extreme and over the top, like Right to Censor, The Godfather and the Kat, the latter of which still remains one of my most favourite wrestling personalities ever. Wrestling is losing its touch it used to have when I was a child with the lack of outstanding characters and attention-grabbing storylines and it’s a shame the children of today didn’t witness the greatest era of wrestling there ever was. Or the Monday Night Wars.

5. Handball, tips and Stuck in the Mud

The act of crawling through someone’s legs to set them free because they are stuck in imaginary mud is a rare thing today and that truly makes me sad. Playground games when I was a child in primary school were so simple but so fun; I remember that my friends and I claimed a handball court and would dash to the square before anyone else could steal it from us and play handball for ages. I also specifically remember being the worst player of the group but that’s another story. When we weren’t whacking a tennis ball around calling out “DOUB TAP” or “DOUBS”, we were chasing each other around or waiting for the 10 second bar rule to expire so you could immediately tap that person and say “TIP, YOU’RE IT!” and then running away before they could tip you back. These simple games could keep a child entertained for hours and had absolutely no digital requirement of a smartphone or other device.

6. Boy bands and girl groups

“So I tell you what I want, what I really, really want”. “Baby when the lights go out, I’ll show you what it’s all about”. If you read these words, you’re probably not a 90’s kid or had a different upbringing than most, but if you sung these words in a certain tune, then you will recognise that they are lyrics belonging to the Spice Girls and Five respectively. As much as One Direction and The Wanted want to try, they are several years too late – the boy band craze was in the 90s, and the female equivalent of the girl group also belonged to the 90s. The Backstreet Boys, N’Sync, TLC, Destiny’s Child… these were all creations from the 90s when poppy music was the in thing as opposed to the loud techno Transformer like music of today. I remember joining a dance group in primary school who performed a dance to Stop by Spice Girls although I can’t remember the outcome of that dance unfortunately. Music was much easier to the ears in the 90s.

I miss being a child with no care in the world other than how you were going to catch that Zapdos without having a Master Ball. I miss my entire childhood quite frankly. Unfortunately for all of us, we all have to grow up eventually, even if we try and fight it. As for me, I will continue being deluded about my adulthood by skipping around nightclubs with a lollipop dangling around in my mouth. The body may age but the mind doesn’t. Noah out!

– by The Black Widow