Review: Fifty Shades Freed

Posted in Books, Entertainment by

The time for me has finally come… the end of the Fifty Shades trilogy. As always, when I finish a book or book series, it’s bittersweet – I’ve finally reached the ending and all the loose ends of the novel come together (hopefully, anyway) but that’s it. The story’s finished. I’m glad I finally found the spare time in my day to finish this book since I’ve been on it for a good month and a bit.

Bye bye Christian.

Bye bye Christian.

The final leg of Christian and Anastasia’s story arrives in the form of Fifty Shades Freed. As always, if you haven’t read the first two books and intend to, I implore you to read no further than this. The novel starts off with Christian and Anastasia being happily married – or as happily as one could be married to someone as irritating as Anastasia. The novel follows the dramatic rollercoaster their lives take as they live as man and wife.

My first strong initial thought on this novel’s plot was that it seemed like it wasn’t planned. Most of the novel read slow and then voila! Action just springs out of nowhere. And then it goes back to its slow state. It’s as if the author was like “Hmm… nothing interesting has happened… let me chuck in a dramatic twist in the plot to keep readers entertained!” Those were my thoughts anyway. I would imagine an author like EL James had thoroughly planned out the final book in the trilogy.

Can I just say that the epilogue of the novel is adorable? Well, not the first part of it but the rest is #totesadorbs.

Christian and Ana’s relationship is sweet and unconventional. Yes, we get it. Christian loves Ana. Yes, we get it. Until the end of the book, nothing new had developed in their relationship and we were treated with the usual dialogue of “Ermahgerd, my Fifty Shades, my sweet Fifty Shades, I love you, why don’t you believe me?” The interactions between the two characters were so repetitive that it felt like deja vu. Luckily, in a form of saving grace, the storyline picked up by the end of the book and I saw some spark in Christian and he became… human. But Anastasia is still annoying. Nothing will ever save that. Ana, her subconscious and her inner goddess need to, like, leave.

I also felt as if some issues weren’t totally resolved… like Ethan and Mia? What happened with them? I know that Ana took note of them “holding hands” at one point, but then that was it. No further explanation. They could be in love just as much as they could be in their own S&M agreement.

The style of writing was the same. Not impressive but not bad either, with little tidbits of descriptive gold hiding in certain chapters of the book. One thing I thought was good and bad at the same time was the way. Sentences would. Read. Like this. I get that it adds dramatic effect and it makes you feel that Anastasia is, in fact, human, and humans do not think in grammatically correct sentences; at the same time, it got a bit tedious at times and it hurt my eyes. Only a slight exaggeration.

Solst-o-meter:
Storyline: 6.6/10
Style of writing: 6.0/10
Overall:  6.4/10

It was a decent ending but it wasn’t “ERMAHGERD HOW WILL I LIVE WITHOUT FIFTY SHADES IN MY LIFE” amazing. At least it gave me closure on their relationship with the beautiful epilogue and I feel as if I can move on with my own life without having that constant need of Fifty Shades in my life. Thanks for the wild ride, EL James.

– by The Black Widow

Women’s Woes

Posted in Lifestyle by

Being a woman is hard. We can parade around in overalls and headscarves chanting anti-testosterone bullshit all we want but the reality is that we are biologically hardwired to struggle more than men.

Germaine Greer, if you’re reading this, please let me explain before you start throwing things at me. I agree that women can be physically stronger, taller, fitter and smarter than men. We can run our own businesses, buy cars without a man’s help and fix the dripping tap in the bathroom without having to call a plumber but in the end, the oestrogen is our major downfall.
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I haven’t done the research, but I’m pretty sure the only reason women fought so hard to join the workforce was because staying at home watching daytime television left us in constant danger of drowning in our own tears every time an advertisement with a talking puppy tried to convince us to buy a different brand of washing powder.

Unfortunately, while women have evolved to be arguably the more superior sex, we still haven’t quite worked out how to turn off the hormones and get stuck facing challenges like these on an everyday basis:

Tearing apart your wardrobe in a hormone driven rage because you can’t find anything to wear that doesn’t make you look too fat/thin/tall/short/smart/dumb/etc. Guys don’t get it. You just throw on jeans and the closest t-shirt that doesn’t smell like feet and you’re good to go. Shoes and underwear are apparently optional. Our underwear have to match, fit perfectly, give support and sit invisibly under out clothing or risk looking like one of those old women who have given up hope of ever looking good again.

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Apparently Kim Kardashian has evolved past this and threw on the nearest couch cover instead…

 The genuine fear that every stitch or bout of the hiccoughs is potentially fatal. Hypochondria is not a joke. It’s an illness as real as the aneurysm we diagnose ourselves with every time we get a headache. Panadol doesn’t cut it in times like those- we need brain surgery and we need Doctor McDreamy to do it. Stat!

Crying while watching life insurance advertisements on several occasions and not just because of the terrible acting. That old couple enjoys playing tennis and walking on the beach at sunset? Holy shit. I enjoy playing tennis and walking on the beach at sunset! I might as well be old and old is nearly dead and BAM! Cue waterworks.

Ads where the toddlers talk. I don’t even like using fabric softener but that little ginger-haired kid with a lisp was so damned cute I bought a bottle of it even though it just sits in my cupboard. Well played, Cuddly Soft… well played.

Brooke and Ridge just had another fight. Seriously, you know they’re perfect for each other, every woman in the world knows they’re perfect for each other and yet they still leave you heartbroken after 26 years. We wish we didn’t care, but secretly we all do.

You honestly feel that every attractive woman you walk past is out to get you- because you are the most important person in the world obviously, and everybody’s life revolves around you.

All we want is chocolate, but chocolate makes us fat. So does the bread we really want to eat, the cheese we love, the beer we drink but fuck it, we’re going to eat it anyway and then blame the closest man for letting us do it. Why? Why the hell not.

Disney films. Women don’t grow out of Disney films. Ever. We’re all searching for a Prince of our own and even if we find him, we’re searching for a talking fish or a pet unicorn.

Every other film. Since we’re on the topic of cinema I should probably admit that women will cry during just about anything. I cried watching Die Hard because just for a minute there it looked like Bruce Willis wasn’t going to save his wife at the end. And also a little bit because Bruce Willis is amazing and women are constantly forming irrational emotional connections to celebrities.

Sobbing uncontrollably when you see small animals. Don’t judge. Just bring tissues and appreciate how cute this duck is with me.

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So men can laugh and roll their eyes when the nostalgia-induced tears from a Backstreet Boys song interrupt our train of thought,  but they should consider themselves lucky. They have been blessed with testosterone and can thus enjoy a stable, emotional-breakdown free existence while we, the unfortunately fairer sex, are busily typing symptoms of our stubbed toe into Google to prove we have gout.

– by Blaire Gillies

Confessions of a Sex Assault Victim

Posted in Lifestyle by

NOTE: The names in this article have been changed for privacy reasons.

Daphne was only 15-years-old when she was sexually assaulted by a man nearly double her age. She had already been going through a lot for a teenager to deal with but this crime nearly pushed her over the edge.

Three words could save someone's life.

Three words could save someone’s life.


As a teenager, Daphne had a low self-esteem; all her friends were getting boyfriends and were living the “dream life” while the only boy that Daphne ever loved had denied her, requesting that they only “stay friends”. Desperate for that connection with a male, she turned to seedy online sites in an attempt to find that romance. After many failed attempts at finding love – including men who sent her indecent pictures of themselves – she met Dean. A tall, lean and handsome man at 29-years-old, he offered Daphne everything she ever wanted in a boyfriend and more.

“It was comforting to know I had someone to turn to,” she said.

At first, everything was so sweet that it was surreal. He admitted his deep feelings for her after a short period of time and Daphne, being naive and young, felt that she loved him as well. She couldn’t wait to move out with him and start her “dream life”.

It wasn’t long after, however, that Dean became more perverted and obsessive over his much younger girlfriend. He began requesting nude pictures of the girl who obliged to satiate her man. His requests to meet her grew more urgent and her overwhelming need to keep Dean happy ultimately took over and she agreed to meet him.

One night, he picked her up in his car and the couple drove off to a nearby park. Daphne knew something was going on but she was too scared to say anything. Dean began to pressure Daphne into engaging in sexual activities and Daphne didn’t feel comfortable. She told him no several times but he insisted that it was the right thing to do.

“I had told him that I was down for whatever, but really, I was talking myself up. I knew I wasn’t going to do anything,” she said.

Dean grew tired of Daphne turning him down, so he took matters into his own hands. He pulled his pants down and climbed on top of her and pleaded her to have sex with him, all the while giving her no say in the matter. She screamed. As much as she pushed him, Dean was relentless in his advances on the girl. Finally, after seeing a break, Daphne managed to kick him in the face and escaped the car, a complete emotional wreck.

“Lucky I was near home, otherwise I wouldn’t have known where to go.”

Dean hurled abuse at her through his car window as Daphne ran home. She disappeared into her bedroom without telling her family or friends what had happened.

Having her heart broken, her trust destroyed and her mental stability demolished, Daphne thought of “an easy way out”. The following night, Daphne tried to hang herself, but as fate would have it, she was not successful.

“It was the lowest point in my life,” she said.

Daphne’s family had discovered her pictures and conversations on her computer and confronted her, which led to her confessing to her family what had happened with Dean. However, he disappeared off the radar and Daphne was unable to report him to the police as it was found that he had given her a fake name.

Now 20-years-old, Daphne thinks of the situation as a “terrible but important learning experience”.

“It toughened me up and has made me the woman I am today,” she said. “Looking back at it, I wish I would have spoken to my friends or my parents about it.”

It’s for this reason that Daphne is a big advocate of R U Ok? – a non-profit organization dedicated to encouraging conversations to prevent suicide. She feels as if someone would’ve asked her this simple question, her choices may have been different.

Daphne also remembers a time where she saw Dean briefly at a shopping centre when she was 18-years-old where he was with another young woman, probably around her age.

“I froze,” she said, “I didn’t know what to do, so I just froze. He walked past me and didn’t look at me, and it was one of the biggest reliefs of my life.”

5 years on and the experience still haunts Daphne, although to a much lesser extent. She believes that she has anxiety due to the bad memory, as she suffers from panic attacks occasionally. I admired how brave she was to calmly talk about this to me and how confident she was.

If you see a friend that looks unhappy, a simple three word phrase like “R u ok?” can do so much for that person.

Another three word phrase to keep in mind: “No means no.”

– by The Black Widow

Cronut / Dossant

Posted in Body, Food & Nutrition by

The Cronut seemed to me such a strange and unnecessary invention. For those who are not up to date with modern food, the Cronut is a delicate hybridisation of two much loved sweets; the croissant and doughnut. A much needed union in our dull baking world.

Anyone fancy a cronut?

I can just imagine a little Mexican kid saying “Why can’t we have both?”

The inventor of Cronuts, Chef Dominique Ansel, stated that the technique took him two months and more than ten recipes to perfect. Fundamentally it is made with a croissant-like dough, deep-fried then either a) rolled in sugar, b) injected with cream or c) glazed. However the recipe varies depending on the bakery. Needless to say, any Cronut will fulfil all your fat requirements for the month.

However figure-destroying these sweets may be, the concept alone was enough to accumulate a substantial fan base. The result was horrifically long lines at bakeries at unreasonable times of the morning, and chefs willing to undertake the Cronut challenge. Unfortunately, the original Cronut resides in New York, so it was up to me to find the trendiest, up-to-datest bakery Melbourne could offer.

Tivoli Bakery in South Yarra attracted much interest for their pastries. But no, they did not have Cronuts at all; they had Dossants. For obvious copyright laws, the bakery couldn’t call their adaptation of the food by its original name but I think that the name Dossant is more fitting for the pastry. Something that rolls off the tongue, soft sounds for a soft sweet rather than the less appealing Cronut.

Neatly lined up behind a glass cabinet and awaiting my hunger were the holy Dossants, available in two flavours; chocolate strawberry and vanilla strawberry. Before long, a Dossant arrived at my table and its plump presentation, sugar coating and slivers of strawberry and chocolate in the centre were nearly enough to win me over.

Its beauty was of no surprise; after all, the bakery is known for their gorgeous looking gourmet doughnuts. I knew the real test would lie in the tasting. The sugar coating was a soft grain, none of that coarse Donut King cinnamon. The pastry itself was incredibly fluffy, and not too sweet, that is until I got to the semi-hard chocolate in the middle which, although was rich, suffocated the flavour of strawberry. In fact, the intended flavour of the Dossant was muted entirely by the Dossant pastry itself. Despite this, it was scrumptious.

The food resembled a doughnut more than anything else, which lead me to my final critique of it; The Dossant is basically a glorified Churro. It holds a large resemblance to traditional Spanish Churro; smooth and fluffy on the inside and coated in fine sugar. This thought did not occur to me until I was finished eating because the food was still delightful, however derivative.

The Dossant may just be a Churro that has been tied up at the ends, but to this I would say – so? It may not have been the spectacular game-changer of food that it was in my mind, but based on taste it was just as delicious as the best croissant or doughnut I have eaten. Many look at the Cronut and ask why? But to ask questions of such a thing is useless because the novelty of it is that it exists solely because it can.

– by Josefina Huq