Tag Archives: Christmas

Christmas Bucket List

Posted in Entertainment by

Erma Bombeck once said “there’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” In many ways I agree with this statement. There is something beautiful about a child’s innocent belief in Santa and the goodness of people. Unfortunately, as we get older, many people become disenchanted with the holiday season.

I am most definitely not one of those people. It doesn’t bother me at all the Christmas decorations make their way into Supermarkets in October and I love hearing carols play on an endless loop throughout the city. Come December 1st I’m like a red and green hurricane that blasts around the place leaving presents and infectious joy in my wake.

To help those of you who are more Scrooge than St Nick, I have created a sort of ‘bucket list’ of things you’re never too old to at Christmas.

  1. Get your photo taken with Santa. Pretending, even if just for a moment, that you still believe in Santa goes a long way towards filling your heart with cheer.santa-vern-stan-1985-in-mall
  2. Buy and decorate a real Christmas Tree. Forget that the pragmatic side of you doesn’t want to vacuum up the dropped needles every other day, and focus only on the glorious smell of pine that’s infiltrated your house and your heart.Ways-to-Decorate-The-Christmas-Tree
  3. Go to your local ‘Carols by Candlelight.’ Eat, drink, sing and be merry. There is something very beautiful about kinder kids dressed as reindeer singing ‘We WISH you a MEry CHRIStmas!’ with emphasis in strange places.christmas-carols-ts
  4. Make a sandman. The fact that Christmas falls in the middle of the Aussie summer will not stop being sad. Half the Christmas carols we sing don’t make any sense in context (‘Walking in a Winterland’? No, you’re waking in a 45 degree heatwave).  So, even though we don’t get to make snowmen as kids, we can still go to the beach and make a pretty decent Sandman instead.1476677_10152078190509254_1880516485_n
  5. Go and look at the Christmas Lights. My favourite part of Christmas Eve as a kid was when my family would bundle into the car and drive around at night looking at all the light displays in our town. All the Dads in our street would compete to have the best display and it was such a beautiful tradition.72968490_5d4f550e0e
  6. Watch Love, Actually. For the ladies, there’s Liam Neeson and for the men there’s…well…Liam Neeson. I’m sure there’s a plot in there somewhere but I just keep getting distracted.images (6)

There are 364 other days in the year for us to be busy, stressed, workaholic, alcoholic nutcases, but on Christmas, we should forget everything but our families and allow our inner children to run rampant once more.

– by Blaire Gillies

Three Wise Men

Posted in Lifestyle by

Every year, my Kindergarten put on a nativity play. Thirty-something kids dressed up as everything from Angels to sheep and trees gathered around to sing/scream carols at their parents for an hour. Super fun. Unless, like me, you were the only girl given a terry-towelling dressing gown and told to play a man. I was the wise-man who rocked up to meet Jesus and gave him a lump of gold.

As I think back on that emotionally-scarring time of my life, I can’t help but wonder why those three random guys were a) there in the first place and b) actually considered wise. What did they do that was so astute? I frequently give people presents and hug babies, but that just makes me a nice person, not a smart person.

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Okay, so maybe that’s a LITTLE wise…

This year, on the Third Day of Christmas, I give to you my own version of the Three Wise Men whose intelligence and spirit are more relevant at Christmas than a sack of Frankincense.

“Christmas is not a time, nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas” –Calvin Coolidge.

Meaning: Be kind, generous and loving all year round, not just in December.

“Let’s just say that on this day, a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic. But others don’t, and that’s cool. But we’re probably right. Amen.”- a surprisingly relevant and true quote from  Homer J. Simpson.

Meaning: Everyone is entitled to an opinion. Just because you believe something different, doesn’t mean you have to start a war.

“Christmas gift suggestions:
To your enemy, forgiveness.
To an opponent, tolerance.
To a friend, your heart.
To a customer, service.
To all, charity.
To every child, a good example.
To yourself, respect” –Oren Arnold

Meaning: Generosity of spirit is more valuable than material gifts. It is impossible to put a price or a worth on a good heart and good spirit.

These three guys made it onto the Runners-Up list:

“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven: -WC Fields.

As we all established two days ago, when it comes to family Christmas, Mr Fields and I are on the same page.

‘My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?’ –Bob Hope

Exactly. There is nothing more to say, because Bob got it right the first time.

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included”- Bernarnd Manning

Solid parenting right there.

I honestly believe that the words of these men teach better life lessons and impart more knowledge of wisdom than a lump of gold, herbs and some sap. If Jesus were born today, he’d melt the gold into a Bieber-style “swag” chain, smoke the herbs and use the sap as chewing gum before spitting it onto the footpath. He’d be better off following the words of the misters Coolidge, Simpson and Arnold, and becoming a better person.

– by Blaire Gillies

Unthoughtful Gifts for Christmas

Posted in Lifestyle, Opinion by

It’s real simple, when you’re so close to someone that you decide to buy them a Christmas present, don’t half-ass it. This is a little list of what you shouldn’t get people if you actually give a hoot about them. By all means, if you hate them, use this as a shopping guide, or just buy whatever cheap crap Kmart has on its first display shelves.

Socks

And they're always the daggy, long, white type.

And they’re always the daggy, long, white type.

How cute, little Johnny got his dad some snuggly socks for his cold Christmas feet, dad must be so touched by his generous offering. No Johnny, he’s not. Your dad hates you, and I hate you. Every time he puts on those socks he’s going to think of what an awful child you are. Anything, absolutely anything would be better than socks. What’s that Johnny? You drew a cute picture of yourself and dad? Good, frame that shit and give it to daddy, and next time you think of buying socks make sure that they’re for your feet only.

Exception: Buying this gift as a joke for a friend with no feet.

Soap

Wow! With all this soap I won't be so smelly anymore!

Wow! With all this soap I won’t be so smelly anymore!

It doesn’t matter what shape it comes in: bird, fish, tiny love hearts – it’s all shit. Keep in mind that people are typically very good with their hygiene, and they will use their own preferred brands rather than the two dollar, coffee-scented, cat-shaped soap you thought really reflected this person’s interests. Guess what – Personal hygiene is everyones interest, or at least it should be.

Exception: Buying this gift for a smelly, inanimate object.

Candles

Mmm.. Smells like Coles brand.

Mmm.. Smells like Coles brand.

Now this one is a bit tricky because a genuinely good candle will be used and will last long, and picking a scent that is personalised to your loved one is a nice touch. A general rule would be, if you’re getting someone candles (which is a pretty lazy present, but I’ll forgive you), get it from a boutique candle store. Make sure it’s a good brand, because much like soap, if you get it from any dollars and cents store in one of those value bundle gift packs, this person will regift it and give it back to you next year, you heartless monster.

Exception: Buying this present for a person with a phobia of running out of candles.

Self-help Books

Thanks, but I like my reasonably terrible life the way it is.

Thanks, but I like my reasonably terrible life the way it is.

It seems dumb, but I really do have to spell this one out: If you get this for someone their going to think that you assume they need some sort of help in their tragic life. This gift isn’t so much unthoughtful but just downright rude. Maybe if someone has expressed an interest in starting a hobby or learning more about x, then you can get them a book about x. When it’s something like Understanding Men, or Microwave Dinners for One, then it’s very unlikely you’ll be getting a present back.

Exception: If this gift is for yourself and it’s titled: How to not be a dick on Christmas.

Beauty Bundles

Such beauty... so cheap.

Such beauty… so cheap.

Geez, if you’re getting into this territory you’ve just given up. We all know that these packages of makeup or nail polish are the first things we come into contact with while Christmas shopping. They’re obviously cheap, impersonal and surprisingly rubbish – The nail polish comes off within an hour and the makeup is the consistency of chalk. Shame on you if you’ve ever purchased this for a loved-one you genuinely love.

Exception: Buying this gift for any child under the age of eight with a strong passion for budget beauty.

Anything Christmas-themed

No no no!

No no no!

Christmas is for one day – one day out of three hundred and sixty five. This gift will be useful for maybe the week surrounding Christmas, but after that it will be considered pointless. It’s especially bad if you get it on Christmas day or later, because it’s something you won’t get to/have to use until another year has gone by, and by that time you would have thrown it out anyway. For the love of Santa, don’t get anyone a Santa.

Exception: If you’re an elf who gets paid in Christmas ornaments.

Perfume / Aftershave

*Heavy coughing and spluttering*

*Heavy coughing and spluttering*

It doesn’t matter if you get the cheap shit from the chemist or the classy celebrity-labelled brands from David Jones – in the end it’s just cliché smelly stuff, and I don’t even know how that became a go-to gift. A perfume or aftershave is so personal, and people are very picky when it comes to their scent. You will either receive the brand you’ve always worn, which just means this person has been in your bathroom (not that they know you well), or you’ll get one that has about an eighty percent chance of making you ill. It seems nice, maybe because it’s a top-notch brand and this person has spent a butt-load of money on it, but the amount of dollars spent doesn’t make it a good and thoughtful present.

Exception: Buying this gift for someone who only has the sense of smell.

I’m not going to say this is the absolute definitive list, Even on top of the exceptions I’ve thought of there are many more. I just think more people should know that it’s really evident when no thought has been put into a present, and it causes awkward and unpleasant feelings in a relationship. It’s not always the case, but its possible that if you get someone an amazing and thoughtful present they will return the favour.

– by Josefina Huq

Merry Brag-mas

Posted in Lifestyle by

Call me a bitch, but I hate those letters people send with their Christmas cards. You know the ones- the thinly veiled bragging about their overly pretentious children and photos of their dogs dressed as elves.

The way I see it, if we’re truly close friends/family, I already know all the exciting things happening in your world. I’ve followed your entire life story on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest. I don’t actually want a hard-copy letter exceeding 140 characters because there’s almost no chance I care enough to read the whole thing.

Christmas Card Book Our Letter

As I read through a few stashed in Xmas cards sent to my parents, I picked up on the basic formula fairly quickly. So, for those of you who have yet to send out your annual family newsletter, here’s a template for you to work with. Just fill in the blanks and you’re all set.

Dear Friend,

Can you believe how quickly this year has gone!? I sure can’t. Eldest Son has recently graduated from Melbourne University and with Honours in Biomedical Science! We’re so proud. He single- handedly cured cancer, saved small children from a burning building and scored a modelling contract with David Jones. Middle Child has met a new guy who fits in so well with the family. They’ve recently travelled overseas and are already busy planning their next adventure. Middle Child and Her Man are now proud parents!!!! Attached is a photo of their puppy, Fido. He’s our special boy!

"It was either this or coal for Christmas..."

“It was either this or coal for Christmas…”

Youngest Son has just finished year 11 and is anxiously awaiting the new year to begin studying. He has also been made school captain, house captain, bus captain, footy captain, Prime Minister and Batman. Such an amazing role model! Hubby is still slaving away at the bank every day, but he loves his job so no sign of retiring yet. We’re still playing couples tennis with the Smiths on the weekend, although I’ll need to buy a bigger skirt soon (ha ha). As for me, I’m still doing the same old thing- living off the fortune Hubby makes every day, but complaining about my stressful life. Being tall, blonde and in my mid-fifties is such a drag. Mrs What’s-Her-Name from next door has planted a new shrub in her yard, but the shade of green clashed with Eldest Son’s Jag, so I called the Homeowner’s Association to deal with it. Of course she found out about this from Mr Over-The-Road’s wife, the nosy little B. Some people can’t keep their noses out of it. Well, that’s all from us here in Brighton. Hoping you are well and wishing you all the best for 2014. Regards, Your Name.

Then you get those people who move beyond bragging and into the realms of blatant over-sharing. The extra- long paragraphs about all the injuries and illnesses they’ve suffered in the past twelve months and various statistics they found on the internet about their increasing morality rate.

Jerry went to the doctor in June for his regular colonoscopy. He turned to the doctor and said “Doc, you could at least buy me a drink first” (That one always cracks up Dr Hiney). Things are looking good, but he’s up for a prostate check next. Keep your fingers crossed for good news!

Vomit.

I much prefer the super-generic;

To X

Pre-Printed Christmas Greeting

From Y.

Signed, sealed and sent in under five minutes. If I really love you, I’ll call you on Christmas. Or add you to a mass-text MMS of a funny Christmas picture. It’s way more heartfelt.

Funny_Christmas_Comics

Contacts> Select All> MERRY CHRISTMAS! > Send

– by Blaire Gillies