Tag Archives: film

Secret Obsession Was a Missed Home Run

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London Tipton sure isn’t doing so well anymore.

While being bedridden with bronchitis, I found a new loving relationship with my Netflix account. Given that I’m in and out with work and all of my other hobbies and responsibilities, I barely have time to sit down and watch something on Netflix let alone scratch my arse. So with all this newfound time, I got to explore what was on offer from this entertainment giant. And one of those things on offer was Secret Obsession, starring Brenda Song and Mike Vogel.

Brenda Song plays a woman named Jennifer, who suffers a horrendous car accident but manages to survive; her husband Russell, played by Mike Vogel, begins to rehabilitate her back at their mountain lodge as she suffered short term memory loss and intense physical trauma.

I feel as if this “obsession” isn’t so secret tbh.

Now, before we go on, this is your official SPOILERS AHEAD warning; a strong majority of the plot will be revealed in this review, so if you want to watch this and discover it yourself, then I suggest you stop here.

I love psychological thrillers so much – I mean, I forced myself to sit through Triangle, which to this day I still don’t understand – but boy let me tell you that this one was very underwhelming.

Let’s start off with the obvious: the trailer itself gives away the “twist” of the movie. In fact, it’s fairly safe to say that if you watch the trailer, then you’ve watched the whole movie. This film had the foundation to be an amazing psych thriller, but it gave away too much too soon and there was no real “twist” that makes these sorts of movies incredible.

Before I continue, I need to give a brief rundown of the beginning of the film. So this movie starts off with Jennifer running away from a psycho killer to a deserted rest stop. She manages to get away from him but then get hits by a car, thus starting the rehabilitation process. You don’t see who the psycho killer is, but if you’ve watched the trailer, you know who it is.

It’s teased very early on that Russell is not who he seems, and is revealed before the midway point of the movie that he actually isn’t married to Jennifer but is just pretending.

There. That’s it. That’s the twist.

They tried very poorly to throw suspicion on this unnamed guy with dark hair that he was the psycho killer, when there was no real motive for him to be the killer. And then Russell kills him for asking about Jennifer at the hospital, and then that’s literally the last we ever see of him. No explanation as to why he was hanging around or why his character was relevant to the storyline. Nothing. And he still doesn’t have a name. Oh, and then Russell brings this poor bastard back to their mountain lodge and buries them RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BEDROOM WINDOW which Jennifer slightly witnesses. Russell, I feel as if you don’t know how to cover your tracks well, sis.

Oh, and Russell shows Jennifer pictures of them from their wedding and other events to prove that he is her husband… but they are so POORLY PHOTOSHOPPED that I don’t understand how Jennifer wasn’t like “Lol bro u srz”. Everyone’s just like “Oh I see the skin colours don’t match, but yolo, you’re defs her husband no doubts about it.”

We find out that “Russell” is actually Ryan, who worked with Jennifer and the real Russell and was obsessed with her but didn’t have her. Then one day he casually decided to invade their home, kill Russell, and then try kill Jennifer even though he was in love with her (try make sense of that) which led to the car accident. Oh, and at some point, Ryan killed Jennifer’s parents so no one that cared about her would try and find her. Makes sense. What I don’t get, however, is that Ryan kept Russell’s dead body in the boot of Jennifer’s car, which he stole, and then buried ol’ mate unnamed in their backyard, but just left Jennifer’s parents bodies to rot in their home. Like he made no effort to cover that up whatsoever. In what world did Ryan think this stupid plan of his was gonna work.

To make his stupid plan sound even stupider, he gave false information to the hospital when he signed out Jennifer… like do you think they would just not follow up on this false information? Like I don’t understand how this guy thought he was going to get away with this.

Anyways, this seemingly incompetent detective, played by Dennis Haysbert, catches onto Ryan’s plan and eventually finds the mountain lodge. Then, the following set of events occur:
– Ryan knocks the detective out before he can save Jennifer;
– Some shit happens;
– Jennifer escapes the house after clocking him with a vase and NOT DOUBLE TAPPING and runs away on her bung ankle;
– Ryan follows her;
– The detective regains consciousness, because for some reason Ryan didn’t think to kill him, and goes after them;
– Jennifer tries to knock Ryan out but fails and he gets on top;
– The detective interferes before Ryan can kill Jennifer (which I still don’t understand if he apparently loves her so much) and they brawl;
– Jennifer gets a hold of the gun and kills Ryan.

Are you following? Cool. Because that’s the end of the movie. Well, there’s some little “three months later” scene but that’s about it.

To their credit, Secret Obsession had some pretty good acting on Song and Vogel’s behalf, but that was really the only saving grace.

I’m just so disappointed that this movie, which was set up to be a full home run, but only managed to be a single at best. Also this might just be me because I hate feet, but there was a lot of (Brenda Song’s) feet featured in this movie. So thumbs down for that.

Also, if I woke up from a coma and Mike Vogel was claiming to be my husband, I wouldn’t question it. I think that was the biggest flaw about this movie tbh.

If this man was threatening to “give me everything I’ve ever wanted”, I’d send him to Victoria’s Secret with a shopping list and forget that he killed everyone in my life.

Tl;dr: the plot is given away in the trailer. If you want to watch the movie, just watch the trailer. But if you want to watch the full movie, Mike Vogel’s in it looking fooiiine (refer to above).

This movie tried – like it really tried – to be one of those iconic psych thrillers, but it just failed to deliver. Also I still don’t understand the relevance of ol’ mate dark hair to the plot. Ol’ mate dark hair wants justice!!

– by The Black Widow

Sierra Burgess is a Horrible Human

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Potentially the most unlikeable fictional character ever.

I found myself watching the Netflix film Sierra Burgess is a Loser and I actually quite enjoyed it. Except the titular character herself. She was the most abhorrent human I have ever watched on a Netflix film, and for all intents and purposes, she deserves a good wake-up punch in the face.

For those of you whom haven’t watched the film yet and have every intention of doing so, I will warn you that there are SPOILERS AHEAD so read at your own caution.

So basically, the story of this film is Sierra Burgess is an ugly loser. Handsome Jamey asks Veronica for her number, and as a prank, Veronica gives him Sierra’s number, and then Sierra starts knowingly catfishing Jamey, whom thinks he’s actually messaging Veronica.

She honestly has one of those faces you just wanna punch, right?

You still following? Okay good. Now let’s break it down.

I’m assuming Sierra Burgess was meant to be the typical “unattractive but actually a really nice person” kinda character you generally see in high school movies, right? I mean, you have Veronica who plays her opposite as the “pretty mean girl”, and then you have Dan, who fills the role of “underappreciated best friend whom isn’t a love interest”. And of course, Noah Centineo and his fine ass playing Jamey, the “handsome jock but actually has a deeper personality than you’d think”. So you’d think all these fairly stereotypical characters would stay in their damn lanes, right?

WRONG!

For starters, Veronica evolves into the most likeable character by the end of the movie by far. Sure, she started off as the typical “I’m pretty so I hate everyone else” kinda bitch, but you see there is way more to her than meets the eye during the film; for starters, she’s not a rich daddy’s girl like most Queen Bees are, and she’s not overly vindictive either. By the end of the film, as she formulates a friendship with the very undeserving Sierra, you see that she is the most genuine character on this film, and honestly everything good in the world, you want to happen to Veronica.

But wait… shouldn’t you want this to happen to Sierra?

Well no, because Sierra is a twat and deserves horse shit. Let’s start with the most obvious: she is knowingly catfishing someone and enjoying it. Not only that, in her twisted, deluded mind, she believes her and Jamey are a thing, even though he doesn’t know he’s actually talking to this repugnant human being. Oh, and let’s not get started on the fact that she pretends to have a FUCKING PHYSICAL DISABILITY when she meets Jamey in person for the first time. That’s right, folks; this troll of a human pretends to be deaf – while in the presence of Jamey’s actually deaf brother – just because she’s paranoid that Jamey will recognise her voice. Why couldn’t you just disguise your voice, mate? Or, I don’t know, don’t catfish people in the first place so you don’t get thrust into this situation? Did I also mention that Sierra makes some friend call out to Jamey for her and says “Do this favour for me. I’m meant to be deaf.”

Before I continue with this next part, I need to explain that Sierra enlists in Veronica’s help to catfish Jamey, which in fairness, is a pretty shitty thing for Veronica to do, but Sierra maliciously manipulated her into it by promising her free tutoring in exchange for this stupid catfishing plan.

You still with me? Okay good.

Veronica does all of these favours for Sierra in her stupid scheme to seize a boyfriend, because boyfriends are the most important thing in the world – including going on a date with him, offering to send him nudes, and FaceTiming with him – and they become quite close friends. And through all of that, when Sierra sees Jamey kiss Veronica – because, you know, that’s who he thinks he’s fucking talking to, Sierra, you stupid bitch – Sierra hatches the most disgusting revenge plan on Veronica, who by all means is just an innocent bystander who was sucked into this plan. Sierra airs Veronica’s private business on screen for everyone to see at the big climactic football game after hacking into her supposed friend’s Instagram. Veronica figures out that it was Sierra and tells Sierra – and I’m paraphrasing here – “You think you’re so ugly on the outside. Well, your inside is way uglier.”

Yaaaasss bitch, speak the truth. And I’m pretty sure Sierra’s only comeback was “Well you kissed Jamey.” Think about that for a second. You kissed a boy that thinks he’s falling in love with you, so I smeared you for the entire school to see.

But, even after all of this, Sierra gets the happy ending. Jamey catches onto hers and Veronica’s plan, avoids them both, but then Veronica is the first one to make a move and apologise to Jamey and explain to her what’s going on, and then Jamey shows up to Sierra’s house and basically says he forgives her because Sierra is the kinda girl that Jamey’s always wanted.

And that’s where I call bullshit.

This entire movie, Sierra has shown that she is a revolting human, moreso on the inside, as she was willing to throw her friend under the bus, just to get a boyfriend. And yes, because I’m superficial, I’m just going to say it – she’s not pretty either. And HELLO! If Sierra is the kinda girl that Jamey always wanted, why didn’t he approach her at the beginning of the movie, instead of Veronica? No, Jamey. You’re into the hot girls. Stop lying to yourself.

And at the prom, everyone forgives Sierra, including the aforementioned Dan who really had no purpose in this movie. Did I mention that Sierra got everyone to forgive her by singing a song whining about how she’s different toe everyone and why doesn’t anyone notice me? Bull-fucking-shit.

So basically, if you wanted a short version of this entire article, here it is: Sierra Burgess catfished NOAH FUCKING CENTINEO an innocent boy, pretended to be deaf, manipulated a girl she was tutoring to join her sick plan, and hacked her supposed friend for a revenge plot that had no real reasoning behind it whatsoever, and yet she gets the happy ending?

If it were up to me, Veronica should’ve ended up with Jamey, because they were the only real decent people in this entire movie. And Sierra should’ve been tossed into the trash where she belonged from the start.

There. Venting over. I feel better now.

If you ignore all of the above, though, it’s actually a pretty good movie. You should watch it.

– by The Black Widow

Why Something Borrowed Needs To Be Undone

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I hate this movie so much. Like, don’t even get me started.

So I was sitting at home innocently minding my own business, when something reminded me of one of the worst experiences of my life. One day I took the time out of my busy schedule to sit down and watch Something Borrowed, and I regret it with every fibre of my being. I mean, Kate Hudson is on it (arguably my favourite actress of all time)… what could possibly go wrong?

If you hadn’t gathered by now, I hate this movie and everything went wrong. Well, no, that’s a lie. John Krasinski was lovely in this movie, but besides him, everything went wrong about this film. Not even Kate Hudson could save it.

And you know I hate it if I am dedicating an entire post on my blog to this piece of shit.

Let me catch you up to speed, and in case you want to punish yourself and watch it after reading this stinky review, then I must warn you that there are SPOILERS AHEAD REGARDING THIS HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MOVIE.

This film actually needs to go fuck itself.

Something Borrowed is a shit romance film released in 2011 featuring Kate Hudson, John Krasinski, Ginnifer Goodwin and some other bloke… had to look his name up, and his name is Colin Egglesfield. It’s currently playing on Netflix which is where I was unfortunate enough to witness it. Basically, Ginnifer’s character Rachel is best friends with Hudson’s character Darcy, the latter of which is engaged to Egglesfield’s character Dex. Nekk minnit, Rachel is banging Dex and they continue to see each other and fall in love while Dex is soon to marry Darcy.

So far, Rachel and Dex are shitheads. Okay. We good?

Krasinski’s character Ethan meanwhile admits he has feelings for Rachel, but Rachel would rather be a homewrecking whore than date a completely available man who is also hella good looking so Rachel is like “Yeah nah aye”. Ethan finds out that Rachel is a slut and Dex is a scumbag, but agrees to keep their secret because he is a nice guy.

If you’re keeping score at home, Rachel and Dex are shitheads. And Ethan is a Godsend.

Throughout this entire film, you’re led to believe that Darcy is a bitch who is shown to be controlling and demanding over both Rachel and Dex. I don’t know if this is meant to make you sympathise with Rachel and Dex, but it didn’t work, because as we have established, they are both shitheads. So basically, instead of hating Darcy, you’re actually feeling for her because all of this is going on behind her back and she doesn’t know about it. Also, Kate Hudson is amazing.

Aaaaaand that doesn’t last long because it turns out that Darcy is cheating on Dex with his friend Marcus (played by Steve Howey) and doesn’t even care about it.

So that means Rachel, Dex AND Darcy are all shitheads. I guess Marcus could be added to that list as well. So we have four shitheads and Ethan.

But wait. It gets worse.

As Darcy is admitting that she is casually having an affair to her best friend, she finds Dex’s jacket in Rachel’s apartment, realises that Rachel is banging Dex and he is listening to their conversation, AND THEN has the nerve to breakdown and cry because her fiance is cheating on her with her best friend, even though she literally just admitted that she is also cheating. I love you Kate Hudson, but your character is a shithead.

But wait. There’s more.

Rachel and Dex don’t even really apologise. They’re just like “Yeah soz babe we love each other and we don’t love you so deal with it.” Dex and Darcy end it, and Darcy ends her friendship with Rachel. And neither of them don’t care because they found happiness in each other, the wankers. Darcy also ends up dating Marcus.

So basically everyone in this movie who is a shithead has a happy ending meanwhile the only likeable character played by John Krasinski ends up moving to London and remaining single in his sea of cheating friends.

The atrocity isn’t over yet. A flash forward reveals that Darcy is preggaz with Marcus’ baby but apparently isn’t with him anymore. And Rachel and Dex are still shitheads. And Darcy travels to London to try it with Ethan even though he is a lovely guy and she’s a piece of shit who is pregnant to a deadbeat who doesn’t even like her in the end.

If you have kept up with me thus far, then you should realise why I hate this film so much. The only character in this entire film that you have any sort of sympathy towards has a bad ending, while all the cheaters and liars and all around terrible people have happy endings. That is the only moral you can take from this film which, funnily enough, lacks any real morals.

Even if you look at this from an acting point of view, it’s still a terrible film. Despite decent performances from Hudson and Krasinski, this shitty shit fest still bombs to the point that I, a 24-year-old man, regret spending the approximate 112 minutes watching this piece of crap because I didn’t get anything of value out of it. Maybe besides visual gonorrhoea.

Tl;dr: Imagine being the only member of your friendship group who isn’t a lying cheating scumbag and being the only one without a happy ending = this film.

– by The Black Widow

Review: Jurassic World

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I’ve waited so long to have a reason to post this and make it relevant…

DAT FACE DOE.

DAT FACE DOE.

Thank you, Chris Pratt.

For the cinema junkies, it must’ve been a treat to see Jurassic World was in the making. And for the Hollywood hunk junkies? Well, dat face doe. ^^

The fourth installment in the Jurassic series features a whole new theme park revolving around cloned dinosaurs and, being in 2015, that means updated technologies and all of that shizz. The film stars Chris Pratt and his beautiful O face, Bryce Dallas Howard, and Goran… also known as Vincent D’Onofrio. In true Jurassic fashion, not all is as chill as it seems, and soon the park is overthrown by this giant mother of a dinosaur. Uh oh!

Just when you thought Jurassic was over... it wasn't.

Just when you thought Jurassic was over… it wasn’t.

I had the feintest memory of the previous Jurassic movies – what with being born in the year the original film was released and what not – so I came into Jurassic World with a relatively fresh idea of what to expect. What I saw was a pretty damn good movie with an exciting albeit recycled plot line and interesting, strong characters with a purpose.

Something I genuinely enjoy in later installments in a film series is a nod at the original, and Jurassic World saw a few nods to the original movie which I thoroughly enjoyed. While I won’t spoil the main plots of the film, an old friend made a surprise-or-maybe-not-so-surprise appearance and the younger generation got a glimpse of the original Jurassic Park Visitor Centre. And a Jeep. (You bought a Jeep?) These gestures to the older films were a nice touch and I thoroughly appreciated them.

The overall storyline of the film was much like the original, but being more 21st century and updated, I quite enjoyed it. I thought the special effects created a sort of realism to the dinosaurs, and my heart strings were tugged in certain areas of the movie (when you watch it, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about). I thought there were a couple of clichés here and there, but hey, what can you do? I thought the idea of a new and improved manufactured dinosaur causing havoc all over the joint was a new, fresh way to recycle an old idea, and that was great.

One thing I do have to mention, however, may seem like a very small, trivial problem to have with a movie, but WTF was with Bryce Dallas Howard’s outfit? Like, I get it, her character is meant to be this business-no-nonsense career woman, but you could do something much better than a horrid white blouse that kept changing shades of white every shot with a horrid belt and a horrid white skirt. I had one friend comment on how the outfit was distracting her, but then I had another friend comment on it. If people are being distracted in a dinosaur action film by a woman’s wardrobe, then you know you have a problem.

Oh and I lowkey don’t even think she’s that great of an actress tbh. But whatever. She was fine in her role, I guess.

Being a Parks and Recreation fan means I’m used to seeing Pratt in a humorous role (even Star Lord wasn’t funny enough for me, God bless.) So seeing Pratt in this serious action hunk role was new to me, and I didn’t know what to expect; I was pleasantly surprised by his skill, however, and thought he fit the role of Owen Grady perfectly. Admittedly, I didn’t think he’d do well in a serious lead action role, but he proved me wrong and blew me out of the water. Soz Chris. I’ll have faith in you next time.

Wid-o-meter
Storyline: 7.5/10
Casting and acting: 8.5/10
Experience: 8/10
Overall: 8/10

For fans of the original film – or to anyone who just wants to watch a good movie – I recommend you go see this one in cinemas while it’s still out. It’s definitely worth your pennies and nine times out of 10, you will enjoy it. If not… well at least you got some good popcorn out of it, if that.

– by The Black Widow