Tag Archives: how to

How to Survive a Zombiepocalypse

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I bet you’re all thinking about it, even if you aren’t.

Why is it that most people are scared of being left in a graveyard by themselves at night when graveyards are some of the most peaceful places on the earth? I doubt it’s because of the decorum. In any shape or form, regardless of how cynical you are, all people have some kind of belief that zombies may exist at some point. Whether it’s some sort of spooky spell that makes the dead rise from their graves or a viral infection that could turn even the most calm people to cannibalistic “walkers”, zombies are always a hot topic of conversation.

Look at that beautiful face! (SOURCE: Mark Lobo's Flickr photostream)

Look at that beautiful face! (SOURCE: Mark Lobo’s Flickr photostream)

But what if the horror came to life?

Well before that happens and Solstice Satisfaction becomes extinct due to no electrical power, I have compiled a list of things you may need to do (or may not need to do) to survive a potential zombie apocalypse based on knowledge from watching zombie movies, reading zombie books or from playing the spectacular Multiple Choice Interactive Novel Zombiepocalypse game.

1. A long extended melee weapon will do the trick
Whether the zombies you have in mind are the traditional slow type that groan, or the even scarier ones that run faster than Usain Bolt, both lots are attracted to sound. If you’re smooth sailing and you see one zombie and shoot it, don’t be surprised if a whole group of them come towards you because they heard the BANG! Therefore, it’s wise to have a non-sound-making melee weapon on hand in case you need to put away a lone zombie in your area. I say a “long extended” weapon because if you have a measly knife, you’re close enough to the biter that even before you’ve thought of stabbing it, it’s already bitten you. May I suggest a baseball bat, golf club or even a parasol? Imagine that. Putting a zombie down with a pink lace parasol.

2. Cardio (and a good pair of running shoes)
I have this irrational fear that a zombiepocalypse will break out when I’m wearing jandals or ug boots or some other form of non-running footwear. Couple that with the fact that I’m as fit as a hippo and I’d be walking bait. Unfortunately, you and your impressive melee weapon techniques won’t be enough to take down a herd of zombies, so it’s best that you make a break for it and run like you’ve never ran in your life. You will be grateful that you ignored the stitches in your sides when you have successfully escaped the herd’s attention.

3. Safety in numbers
I never understood why in Scooby Doo that the Mystery Inc gang would always split up in the most frightening situations. Sure, you’d cover more ground that way, but you are royally firetrucked if you get yourself into a pickle and there’s only one other person to save you (or no one at all). If you travel alone during a zombiepocalypse, you’re more likely to die. Soz but it’s the truth. If you travel with a partner or a group, at least you have someone to watch your back when you’re sleeping or taking a dump in the bushes. It also helps if your gang are former Marines or Doctors or something.

4. Stop for no one
One rule I personally don’t agree with but has proven time and time again to be successful is to stop for no one. Although this may contradict number three, stopping for no one can save your hide eventually. Taking someone else with your or adding another member to your crew just means one more person to look out for and one more mouth to feed. I can’t tell you how many “how long will you last” zombie quizzes I’ve flunked just because I’d stop to save a child. People also get really shady in tragic times like these and you never know what that crying woman on the side of the road will do to you when you’re asleep.

5. Have a base
I’m not talking permanent base like the farm on Walking Dead but I’m talking a mutual home ground for yourself or your gang to meet/rest at when needed. Permanent bases have been shown to be ineffective because people let their guard down and BAM! Herds of zombies. A commonly-but-not-commonly-used base is effective because, if by chance that you get separated from your group, you all know to meet at the base. Also, it’s nice to have somewhere familiar to sleep in terrible times like these. May I suggest a high-fenced area or the top floor of a secure building?

6. Be resourceful
Don’t be that douchebag that says “We don’t need more petrol, just keep going” and then the car runs out of petrol and you’re surrounded by the undead. You get even close to halfway, fill that mother trucker up. Your food source runs low, go out and find some more. Stacking up on resources isn’t greedy or anything like that. It’s wise. You never know when you may be in for a long winter.

7. Observe the undead from afar
One way to learn more about something is to examine it. Why not do the same with the zombies? You may find out if they have any weaknesses, or what they react to, or how long it takes for someone to “turn”. This knowledge will come in handy in case you need to distract a zombie… or you need to know how long you have until you become inhuman.

8. Guns, guns and more guns
In case you are surrounded by a herd and your long extended melee weapon won’t do the trick and all your exits are blocked, then it is appropriate to pull out the big guns. Literally. Guns give you safety in distance and also pull a bigger punch than melee weapons. Of course, don’t give any firearms to any minors or otherwise woefully unequipped to use a gun because nekk minnit, accidental shootings.

When the zombiepocalypse comes and you’ve survived until the end of it, be sure to write “Thank you SolSat” in big red letters with a spray can on the ground to show your gratitude for this article. Muchly appreciated.

– by The Black Widow

How to speak Strayan

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Yeah g’day mate. Nikki ‘ere with the latest blog post.

Australians have a very distinct accent and way of speaking, so much that when a character in an American TV show or film is “from Australia”, their “accent” is exaggerated so much that I don’t even recognise what country they come from. With our strong (and dead sexy) accent comes our own vernacular, something I like to call Strayan – because no real Australian says the “L” in Australian.

Advance Straya Fair!

Advance Straya Fair!

If you’re a reader from another country and have been confused as to what your Aussie pal is trying to say to you, here are a few translations for you to help you understand your friend from Down Under.

deadset – A word commonly used by hearty Australians. It is pretty much another word for “seriously” when trying to get your point across. For example: “Beyonce is such a great performer. Deadset.” or “Love and Theft are deadset legends.”

fair dinkum – A phrase used to express a number of feelings, mainly that of surprise. For example: “This Guess wallet is reduced to $50? Fair dinkum!”

durry/fag – Now don’t be offended by the latter of the two; it’s not offensive when used properly in Australia. Basically, these two are another word for “cigarette”. For example: “Can anyone spare a durry?” or “I’m going out to have a fag.”

biff – Despite it being the nickname my best friend calls me (BFFL shortened to biff), this pretty much means “fight” as in a physical scrap. Commonly associated with contact sport. For example: “Nate Myles and Paul Gallen got into a biff in Origin 1.”

onya (may be spelled on ya) – This is a phrase of congratulations, meaning “well done” basically. It is pretty much the shortened version of “good on you”. For example: “You got a new full-time job with the NRL? Onya mate!” This may be followed up with “Sonya”, making it “onya Sonya” which paints the same meaning.

spittin’ chips – A phrase used to express one’s frustration or anger. Not as common as its original phrase “spitting the dummy”. For example: “The Broncos lost to the Eels last night and I was absolutely spittin’ chips.” NOTE: The g is omitted from “spitting” for a reason.

off his/her face – A description of someone when they are completely drunk. For example: “Talia had too much to drink last night and she was off her face.” Not to be confused with “off his/her head” which basically means he or she is crazy.

bludger – Not the flying ball from Harry Potter’s “Quidditch”, but a noun used to describe someone who is lazy. For example: “Jack hasn’t moved all day. What a bludger!”

cozzies – A shortened version of “swimming costume”, and ONLY a swimming costume. For example: “We’re going to the pool in 10 so get your cozzies.”

no wackas – Derived from another Strayan phrase “no worries”. It pretty much means “that’s okay” or “don’t worry about it.” For example: “You forgot to bring my jumper? That’s okay, no wackas.”

servo – Another shortened word, this time of “service station” also known as petrol station. For example: “I need to fill up my car so I’m going to the servo.”

bloody oath – Not a vow sworn whilst covered in blood. The English translation of this would be “Yes, that is correct.” For example: “Tahan’s going to win Big Brother? Bloody oath!”

chinwag (sometimes shortened to chinny) – A conversation, as when someone speaks, their chin moves or “wags”. For example: “So I was having a chinwag with Abby last night…”

With these important words in your belt, it is important to remember to throw in a curse word here and there where you see fit because swearing isn’t as frowned upon as much as it is expected in Australia. End your sentences with the word “mate” and you have constructed yourself a good Strayan sentence.

Another important thing to learn about how to speak Strayan is this: if there is a word that is about three or more syllables and you can shorten it to one or two and still make the same meaning, do it. Why waste your time saying “literally” when you can say “litch”. Traffic becomes traff, spectacular becomes speccy, legend or legendary becomes ledge… you get the idea. When in doubt: shorten that word.

And for sobbing out loud, Aussie is pronounced like “ozzy” not “Awssee”.

– by The Black Widow

How to Get Dumped (On Purpose!)

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This one’s for the ladies out there.

This is the desired effect, minus the falling in love at the end part. (CREDIT: issye Flickr page)

This is the desired effect, minus the falling in love at the end part. (CREDIT: issye Flickr page)

Have you ever been in a relationship with a man who is a nice guy and everything but you weren’t feeling that spark anymore? You really wanted to end things with him but didn’t have the heart to dump him because he was such a quality bloke? Or what about that guy you had a one night stand with and, thinking that was going to be it, you walk off and start receiving calls and messages from him saying “You’re not like any other girl he’s ever met”. You’re too kind to flip him the bird… so what do you do?

Well, if you’re either one of those girls, it’s simple: make him want to dump you. Inspired by one of my favourite movies How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, I am here to give the women out there tips and advice on how to make a guy find you so darn repulsive and irritating that he will be running away with his tail in between his legs.

Smother him in front of his friends
Men like to appear very unattached and masculine in front of their friends, so if you were to drop by at a footy night at his place with a basket full of muffins and strawberry milkshakes made for him and all of his friends, chances are you will nearly embarrass the man to death. Ask “pookie” if he wants you to tuck him into bed later that night or read him a bedtime story. Tell “sugarmuffin” how much you absolutely love him in front of his friends and recall a time where he was so romantic that his friends laugh. Cuddle up to him on the couch while he’s trying to watch his beloved Brisbane Broncos play the Bulldogs and continue interrupting his game by kissing him or telling him how cutesy wutesy he looks.

Channel your inner Cher Horowitz
You’ve seen Clueless right? About the vapid blonde who has a heart of gold? Well, amplify that by about 1000x and tell your man how absolutely horrified you were that the Manolo Blahnik’s you thought were on sale were actually mispriced. Errgh, what a tragedy! Men aren’t interested in your girly dilemmas and most likely will not understand them. No man will happily sit through a lecture about the differences between wax and laser hair removal, or why wearing lip gloss and lip stainer creates a better effect than lipstick. Bore him to tears with your femininity and he will be pissbolting out that door before you can even say Chanel.

Baby talk
Men like being men; strong, adult humans of the XY chromosome, so talking to them as if they’re cute puppies or adorable little toddlers will drive them insane. His name’s Michael? Not anymore! It’s Mikeypoobear from now on! Chris? Chrissyboy! David? Daveywavey! Also in reference to “Smothering him in front of his friends”, vamp up the baby talk so bad that you may even forget that he is actually a full-time working businessman. Grab those cheeks of his at the most inappropriate times and shout “GOOCHY GOOCHY GOO” and I will assure you, the last thing he is thinking is how much he wants to be with you.

Bring the future to you
You know what scares a man even more than a scary clown bed? The future, more specifically, paving his future from him. Sit him down with a nice bowl of strawberry ice-cream and tell him how you plan on moving to Los Angeles to follow your dream of becoming an actress after getting married to him in a traditional family wedding with four bridesmaids and groomsmen. When you’re living in Los Angeles, of course, he will be staying at home with your six children being the househusband because your aspirations are much more important than his. Your children will naturally be in the order of a boy, a girl, two boys, and two girls, and you would even know the names of these children whilst having this conversation over strawberry ice-cream. After finishing this discussion, if he is still sitting there… the man has issues.

Pointless phone calls and other forms of communication
Call that man in the middle of the night when he is trying to get some important Z’s in and tell him what you had to eat that entire day and whether or not he thinks you’re overweight or not. Write on his Facebook wall every 2 minutes with a cute love heart or smiley face or even both put together! Flood his text inbox with messages asking him what he is doing and whether he is thinking about you. Leave a dozen or so voicemessages on his phone asking where he is and why he isn’t answering his phone. I can’t think of a worse punishment to be honest.

Irrational jealousy
Jealousy is commonly associated with the colour green. You want to appear so green that the Hulk would be jealous of your cool tan. Call your man and when he picks up on the second ring, accuse him of cheating on you because he didn’t answer on the first. Ask for his Facebook password and when he questions why? Tell him it’s because he has other females as friends on Facebook and you want to see if any of them are inboxing him. Grill him for being closer with his mother than he is with you – because that’s a completely rational thought to have, right?

As you are reading this, I expect a few men will be cringing and even a few women might, because nothing would be more painful than having to sit through all of that for someone you apparently love. If that doesn’t work? Slap a restraining order on the bloke because there is no way someone sane will hang around after doing all that to him!

– by The Black Widow