This is a Man’s World

The video game world has seen their fair share of big, masculine XY heroes – Dante, Nathan Drake, Ryu – and that has been the status quo since video games were invented. Recently, however, the females are stepping up their game and a number of smart, sexy and strong women have emerged, telling their male counterparts that it’s their time. These femme fatales have been in a male dominated series and have broken out of their shells to tell the world “I am woman, hear me roar!”

Princess Peach
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A classic example of this is our good friend Super Mario. He has spent the majority of his life saving his lady friend Princess Peach from the evil-yet-adorable Bowser (who I am guessing just wants some TLC). Countless times, he has saved her Highness from many o’ bad predicaments. However, there was one time in a game only available on Nintendo DS, that Mario himself was kidnapped and the many toadstool heads turned in confusion – who is going to save the saviour? Princess Peach, of course! Introducing Super Princess Peach, the game where the roles are reversed and now it’s time for the blue-eyed blonde to carry her weight. Let’s not forget that she is good at nearly every sport possible (refer to every Mario sport game made).

Madison Paige
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In what I believe could very well be the greatest video game ever made, Heavy Rain was filled with drama and action and more drama and more action and even the occasional nude scene. The main playable cast consisted of three men: a wayward father, a junky cop, a troubled detective – and this woman. Madison Paige, a photojournalist who was so enthralled by Ethan’s odd lifestyle that she just threw herself into this potentially life-ending situation. A tiny spoiler on my behalf if you haven’t already played through this amazing game, in my opinion, Madison is the most crucial character to keep alive for the grand finale. If you don’t know what I mean, play the game. You will be amazed. You go girl!

Mai Valentine
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While not technically a video game, the Yu-Gi-Oh! series has had video games developed, therefore I feel justified in mentioning Miss Mai Valentine. With a punny name like that, you’d expect a harmless, romantic foil for the main hero. That is not the case. Mai Valentine is the very definition of femme fatale – she works alone, remains one of the top duelists in the anime world and she also likes to wear not much. She hasn’t made it to the top, yes, but she’s definitely hanging in there with the men in the duelling world. Props to you, girlfriend.

Sonya Blade
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We all know that Sonya was originally intended to be a male but at the last second, the video game designers decided to girlify the character up. Enter Sonya Blade, the badass army babe in search of a freaky half-cyborg Aussie accent freak. While her original Mortal Kombat outfit was pretty much a tragedy-on-a-train, Sonya was the original female of the series and competed in a tournament with other men and mythical creatures. The all American girl-next-door surely deserves some cred for that reason alone. How did she choose to finish these suckers off? By blowing a kiss that turned into a fireball of course. Sonya was dropped in Mortal Kombat II, but I blame the outfit for that one.

Chun Li
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Much like Miss Blade, Chun Li was the original female to enter a fighting video game series, although the fact that she was introduced in the second game and not the first like Sonya just makes her that tiny bit less cooler. Either way, “the strongest woman in the world” earned her moniker and wears it well, what with those massive thighs of hers and what not. Of course, your muscles would develop that much if you leaned on one leg whilst kicking with the other multiple times. Here’s to Chun Li for not only being a badass babe, but also for being a key character for button mashers like me!

These are just a few of the kickbutt female characters who live in male-dominated worlds and don’t even care. They’re strong multicultural women who don’t need no man.

– by The Black Widow

6 Worst Video Game Movie Adaptations… Ever

As a gamer — not a hardcore, intense gamer, but a gamer nonetheless — I always finish a (good) game and sit there and think “Man, I wish someone would make this into a movie so I can see it unfurl in live-action!” Hint hint, Last of Us. In saying that, there are sometimes when I think about punching myself for ever letting such a thought enter my head.

The following list compiled by myself are the worst excuses of live-action video game film adaptations ever made by humankind… ever. With these movies, maybe it was best left to the imagination… potentially change “maybe” to “definitely” and you’ve got yourselves a deal.

6. Mortal Kombat (1995)

Sonya and Cage having a heart to heart. Naw.

Sonya and Cage having a heart to heart. Naw.

Of all the fighting game series that I have been introduced to in my twenty-year life span, Mortal Kombat is without a doubt my favourite, what with all the blood, gore and flying fireballs. And then they made a live-action movie. Granted, I was two when this movie was released but this movie is so atrociously bad that I enjoy it. The acting is really terrible saved only by the staunch badassness by Bridgette Wilson. The graphics are so cringeworthy, Ed Boon must’ve been rolling around in his grave. And he isn’t even dead. Also, why is Goro made out of plastic?

5. Max Payne (2008)

Why so serious, Marky Mark?

Why so serious, Marky Mark?

I’ve played maybe one Max Payne video game in my entire life and didn’t find it all that enthralling to be honest, but I at least had a fair idea of what should happen if it were made into a live action movie. Noting that they cast one of my personal favourites (Mark Wahlberg), I was expecting a pretty badass movie. What I received, however, was a cluster of confusion and “what the hell is going on?” I literally do not understand what happened in the movie – at all. People were shooting on a drug called valkyr which made the user hallucinate and see valkyrie flying in the air… and then they’d die. And Mila Kunis was in there somewhere. The solid acting of Mark Wahlberg is probably the only thing that is watchable about this film. God bless you, Marky Mark.

4. Street Fighter (1994)

The evil castle just blew up... let's pose!

The evil castle just blew up… let’s pose!


Another solid fighting video game series that decided to go the mile and make a live-action film was Street Fighter. With the casting of Jean Claude Van Damme who was probably the biggest Hollywood star at the time, what could possibly go wrong? Hmm, maybe everything, as it turned out. The acting, even on behalf of JCVD, was terrible. The characters were so far from the actual characters from the game, you wouldn’t even know who they were – Ryu and Ken, the main badass guys from the series, were made out to look like obnoxious teen dweebs. Let’s not forget to mention the blatant sexism in the movie; whenever Cammy and Chun Li interacted with each other, a comment about the other’s physical appearance was made like they were catty high school girls. Was that absolutely necessary? The saving light of this movie? JCVD is amazing.

3. Tekken (2010 film)

At least Roger Huerta was something to look at?

At least Roger Huerta was something to look at?

Speaking of fighting video game movie adaptations that got characters so wrong that it was sometimes hard to watch… here’s Tekken! Ever since Tekken 4, Christie Monteiro has been my go to gal, what with her cool capoeira moves and “Go easy on me!” starting line. Everyone and their dog know Christie’s fighting style is capoeira, so when (movie version) Christie announced she done some form of mixed martial arts… needless to say I was very disappointed. Not only that, but the serious no-bullcrap Nina was replaced by a promiscuous, Maxim covergirl lookalike who enjoyed her sister’s company – none of which are apparent in the game. Also as a sidenote, the storyline and fighting were atrocious. I was very, very unsatisfied by this film so much that I was angry that I had spent time watching it.

2. Alone in the Dark (2005)

You go girl!

You go girl!

One of the pioneers of the horror genre of video game, Alone in the Dark has had a cult following since its inception. When it was announced that Christian Slater and Tara Reid were cast, you would expect a pretty good movie. Wrong! So wrong! This movie had several plot holes, shotty acting and Tara Reid’s role in the movie was rather unnecessary other than something to look at and a romantic foil for Slater’s character. It had absolutely nothing to do with the video game series besides the character’s names and, just like the Tekken movie, I was angry that I had sat down and spent time to watch it.

1. Super Mario Bros. (1993)

They're so happy, probably because the movie's over.

They’re so happy, probably because the movie’s over.

One of the best things to happen in the year of 1993 was the birth of yours truly. One of the worst things to happen in that year, however, was the Super Mario Bros. live-action film that was so terrible, I would much rather eat a chilli soup than sit down and spend the near hour-and-a-half watching this. If there was one video game (series) that was pretty much destined to NOT turn into a live-action film, it was Mario and his whacky adventures. There was absolutely nothing right about this movie, besides the fact that Mario wore red and Luigi wore green. Definitely, in my humble opinion, the worst video game film adaptation ever. So far, at least.

So a quick wrap-up note to all the budding directors out there who may want to turn one of my favourite video games into a movie (cough cough Last of Us). Do so at your own peril, because if you portray it wrong, a bunch of nerds will be on your case so fast you won’t even have time to scratch your buttocks.

– by The Black Widow