Category Archives: Lifestyle

Practical Presents

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No, I’m not talking about another kitchen appliance or undies in the Christmas stocking; I’m talking about a First Aid kit specifically marketed for dealing with the classic Christmas injuries and ailments mentioned in yesterday’s post.

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To prepare this gift (which is handmade, original and funny, so you’ve ticked all the boxes there) all you need is a hamper, some cellophane and a quick trip to Chemist Warehouse.

Breath mints – in anticipation of a Christmas kiss at your work break-up party.

Aspirin – for the Boxing Day hangover, or for the headache caused by being forced to watch the test match with people who inexplicably care about cricket.

Sunglasses – unfortunately, the sun is always brightest the morning after a big night.

Miniature Booze – hair of the dog. I recommend Tequila, but not everyone is a masochist.

Berocca – to help fight the aforementioned hangover and get help get back in to shape to start drinking again at lunch time.

Bacon – in my house, medicinal bacon is a thing and now that you’ve read this, it’ll no doubt be a thing at yours, too!

Gaviscon – because six helpings of roast and infinite dessert seemed like a great idea right up until it wasn’t anymore.

Band-aids – for the cuts and burns you got cooking your Xmas feast as well as the blisters you got dancing along with High-5 when watching Carols by Candlelight.

Arnica Cream – for the shiner your dad gave the seedy uncle for staring at your mother too long.

Ice Packs – for the genius who falls off the roof/step ladder/chair/back of the couch trying to decorate the house.

Aloe Vera gel – for the sunburn you got from falling asleep on the beach. White Christmas my arse.

A ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign – because Boxing Day shouldn’t start until midday; Grandmother’s just never seem to remember that rule.

An I.D bracelet with name, age, address, an emergency contact and blood type- for the drunken friend who feels that Christmas night is the appropriate time to rival Bear Grylls. They probably won’t make it past the mailbox, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

So while you’re out doing all your last minute gift shopping, make sure to stock up on these Christmas essentials. That way, you know your gift will be used and appreciated rather than stuck in a drawer along with yet another Mariah Carey Christmas CD from Great Aunty Edna.

– by Blaire Gillies

Nine Lords A Leaping…

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While we’re all busily exclaiming what a wonderful time of the year Christmas is, we tend to forget the all the bad things that happen in December, too. The injuries we get as we rush around like crazy people trying to make the season as magical as we can.

We all go a little nuts at Christmas. Stress mixes with joy mixes with alcohol mixes with the general vexation at having to spend time with our extended families and we start to make mistakes. In fact, if OH&S had a say in the matter, the nine lords wouldn’t be allowed to leap. They’d be allowed to walk slowly and carefully in an orderly line to avoid hurting themselves and/or others.

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KITCHEN
Christmas Dinner is possibly the most important meal of the year. We’re out roasting pork in the webber, prawns on the bbq and all manner of baked goods in the oven for dessert. It is almost impossible to escape this meal unscathed – each year we all gain burn scars (battle scars) as a reminder of what a wonderful dinner we managed to serve our family despite all the hot grease and sharp knives that tried to thwart us.

THE TREE
I know you’ll hate me for saying this, but you are not as strong as you think. The Christmas tree you chose is actually heavier than you think. Trying to lug it around yourself will cause a hernia.

Also, the tree is no doubt much taller than you. If you’re trying to get the star to sit perfectly on top, please use a step ladder. Standing on your tiptoes on top of a chair balanced on a phonebook is not as genius as you might think.

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
Did you know that there are people out there who are Professional Light Installation Specialists? Their job is to set up full-on scaffolding and harnesses to use while they decorate your house. Why? Because every year, more than 10,000 Australians get admitted to hospital with injuries sustained from falling off their roofs while they put up the lights. The last thing you want to be eating at Christmas is applesauce because you’ve had your shattered jaw pinned shut.

I don’t know the statistic for this one, but a lot of DIY Dads end up in strife when they try to ‘fix’ last year’s Christmas lights and wind up electrocuting themselves.

FOOD
Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas in Aus without prawns on the barbie. Unfortunately, some novice chefs haven’t quite mastered seafood yet and wind up giving their family food poisoning for Christmas instead of a My Little Pony and a cricket set.

ALCOHOL
The number of booze-related injuries that happen over the Silly Season is astronomical. There is no limit to the hurt people inflict on themselves when they’re six or seven drink in. With that said, I warn against the obvious- don’t drink and drive. No matter how ‘fine’ you think you are, it’s not worth the risk.

Also, don’t run in heels, chop anything with a sharp knife, get in a bitch fight with your drunken Auntie, decide swimming would be a great idea at 2am, do table dancing or strip teases, wrestling,  lick anything you normally wouldn’t, jump of the roof because you’re “obviously Batman” or confess to your mother-in-law that, yes, her bum does look big… in everything.

Stay safe this Christmas!

– by Blaire Gillies

Pamper Your Pets this Christmas

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Dogs are a man’s best friend and a woman’s truest love. They share the bed at night, get unconditional love and kisses and are –ironically – never put in the doghouse when they make mistakes or forget to bring in the washing.

We don't mean this pampered...

We don’t mean this pampered…

With that in mind, it is surprising, and a little disappointing, that most pets don’t get a visit from Santa each year.

The owner is always a pet’s priority. All they want to do is make the people around them happy but we’re often so caught up in our own hectic life to really give them the same devotion in return.

I propose that this Christmas, everyone gets their pets (or your parents’/friends pets if you don’t have one) a gift. And I don’t mean one measly pigs ear or a single packet of Shmackos. I’m talking a hamper full of little treats to remind them that, no matter how busy you get, they’re always on your mind.

My suggestions for Pooch Pampering Hampers:

A New Bed – Your dog would love a fancy new bed just as much as you would. Something soft and warm to snuggle into at night would make them very happy.

Dental Chews – This little stocking-filler is both delicious and good for your dog’s health.

Bone – head to your local butcher and buy your dog a bone. They love to gnaw on bones and the marrow is an excellent treat. Not ideal for inside dogs though!

Natural Smoked Pigs Ears – As they are not for every day consumption, pigs ears make a really nice treat for your dog every now and then.

Squeaky Toys – Despite the noise being seriously irritating, your dog will love them. Just remind yourself of how happy they are every time you feel like throwing the rubber chicken out the window!

Another Dog – If you’ve got the space and the love, a companion for your Pooch is a wonderful idea. Giving them another dog to play with while you’re out means they won’t get lonely and they’ll always have someone to play with!

And while I’m not a cat person, I understand that some of you have an inexplicable adoration of the things, so here is a is a list of what you get your feline friends:

A crown – All cats seem to think they are rulers of all that they see. A crown will just act as a reminder to you and your family that you in fact belong to them, and you’d better not forget it.

A Robe – Because royalty looks stupid in a crown and no clothes.

Catnip – as well as being royalty, your Cat is also likely to be involved in a stealth Mafia operation. Drugs are like currency to these people.

A new brush – Royals like to be pampered by their slaves. Yes…that means you

So while you’re out doing your last minute Christmas shopping your family, don’t forget to consider the animal members of the clan as well!

– by Blaire Gillies

Are you a Grinch or a Scrooge?

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The number six is commonly associated with evil and malice due to its devilish nature, so it’s only fitting that the sixth day of Christmas is solely dedicated to the fun-drainers of the festive season.

The Scrooge

Bah humbug.

Bah humbug.

“The cold within him froze his old features, nipped his pointed nose, made his eyes red, his thin lips blue, and he spoke out shrewdly in his grating voice…”

Good ol’ Ebenezer Scrooge; his last name is synonymous with being bitter and full of hatred. Literally. That gives you a fair idea of just how unhappy this man was. It only took him an intense supernatural journey to turn him into… well, I won’t spoil it for you just in case, but let’s just say there is still hope for you if you are anything like this man.

Scrooge qualities:
[x] You despise Christmas carols and Christmas decorations. Fair enough, if the same song gets played in your head, you would want to cause grievous harm to a plant, but come on – it’s a happy, festive holiday season for everyone! Smile!
[x] You get annoyed at Christmas lights on houses. How someone could NOT love Christmas lights on houses is beyond me!
[x] You have no sympathy for the poor and homeless on Christmas. Aww, c’mon…
[x] You would reveal the secret of Santa to those who don’t know it. That is just cold… North Pole cold.

The Grinch

Dem eyelashes tho.

Dem eyelashes tho.

A very similar character to the Scrooge, the Grinch is a green creature (colourless in the original version) who absolutely despises Christmas and is greedy and selfish, to the point of literally stealing Christmas from other people. Seriously, who wants to steal candy from a baby?

Like the Scrooge, however, he had a different ending to how he started, but you should all know that.

Grinch qualities:
[x] You feel it necessary to steal  from someone else during the festive season. I repeat: who wants to steal candy from a baby?
[x] When a random group of people knock on your door to sing Christmas carols to you, you shut the door in their face. Shame on you.
[x] You despise people who put antlers on their car. I am of the small percentage that thinks it’s quite cute; if people want to celebrate Christmas that way, let them, no matter how tacky or deluded it may seem.
[x] You have some sort of bitter retort for those who wish you “Merry Christmas”. If you don’t celebrate Christmas, that’s totally fine, but don’t be a sourpuss about it.

Now, the Scrooge and the Grinch bot had happy endings, so if you’re like either of them, don’t worry – there is still hope for you. I just implore you to be happy and optimistic during the holiday season and embrace the joy that usually comes around this time of the year.

Alternatively, if you still behave like a Scrooge or Grinch, seek a counsellor. Get that shit fixed.

– by The Black Widow