Category Archives: Lifestyle

A Quick Guide to Job Interviews

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It is a scientifically proven fact that job interviews are harder and more nerve-wracking than first dates. In the space of fifteen minutes, you have to confess everything from your education history to criminal convictions to a person you’ve only just met and convince them you’re better than everyone else on the planet. No pressure.

Having been to a number of unsuccessful job interviews in recent weeks, I have decided that either a) I am starring in an exceptionally dry-humoured TV series about a comically pathetic idiot or b) job interviews are actually a social experiment testing the effects of passive torture on unsuspecting uni students and backpackers looking to make a few quid over summer.

"Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hire me. Hire me."

“Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to. Come on, hire me. Hire me!”

I feel like I’m the subject in a Pavlovian-style conditioning experiment in which the phrase “What qualities do you most admire in yourself?” leads to a cold sweat and hyperventilation. I’m pretty sure that “I admire my ability to make a perfect cup of tea and sleep through the sound of loud traffic on Lygon Street” is not an appropriate answer. But what are people meant to say in response to that? How do you say “I admire my ability to organise my time and work efficiently both autonomously and as part of a collective” without sounding like a massive wanker? Trick question- you can’t.

Then there’s the wonderfully vague ‘Tell us about yourself.’ Righto. “Blaire Gillies. Nineteen years old. Right-handed. This morning I had cornflakes and a banana for breakfast and washed it down with an iced latte. I’m terrified of birds, but since this is a waitressing job I’m sure that won’t be an issue. I prefer the Green Apple flavoured Skittles but my confectionery of choice is actually sour peach hearts. I sometimes wear odd socks because I never seem to wash both of a pair at once, but I’m quirky so I can get away with it. I talk to myself a lot because I live alone and I sing a lot of Spice Girls while I’m cooking dinner… oh, and I’m a Cancer.”

Everything these people need to know is written in my resume. What more could they possibly want to hear?

I also resent being told to relax at the start of a job interview. It’s hard to relax when the person sitting across the table from you obviously loves lauding their power over you and being as intimidating as possible. ‘Would you like a glass of water?’ No. My hands are shaking like the dance-scene from Grease and I will end up spilling it in my lap within seconds, but thanks for the offer. By the way, your reassuring smile isn’t fooling anyone.

The only upside to these many interviewers is that I have deciphered their secret codes. For example:
What is your biggest weakness?
‘If you can lie well enough to make yourself look good, we’re impressed.’

What is your greatest strength?
‘We’re playing employee bingo. If you’re good at filing, we win a prize.’

Why would you be suited to this job?
How well have you actually read the job description?

What was the name of your childhood pet?
‘You seem too good to be true. We’re throwing you a curveball to try and throw you off your game.’

Where do you see yourself in ten years?
‘Tax Offices are like Hotel California- you can check out but you can never leave. Make sure this is what you really want. ‘

Why did you really apply for this job?
Dance for me, monkey, dance!

These standard, cliché questions are unavoidable. Your interviewer knows them back-to-front and inside out and probably hates them even more than you do. To make the situation as painless as possible, aim for originality. Set yourself apart from all the mindless automatons applying for the same position. Let’s face it; your greatest weakness is not that you are a perfectionist and your greatest strength is not your people skills. You hate people ( or maybe that’s just me…).  Give honest answers to questions. Tactful, but honest answers like “I left my place of employment as I felt that my capabilities were better suited to a different environment” rather than “OH&S would have had a field day with the morons at my last job.”  I’m not one of those people who follows the “tell them what they want to hear” rule. If you have to lie to get the job, it’s not right for you. You’ll regret it in the long run.

If you’re currently on the job hunt as well, I wish you the best of luck. Unless you’re in Melbourne and applying for the same jobs as me. In that case, may the best man win.

– by Blaire Gillies

How to speak Strayan

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Yeah g’day mate. Nikki ‘ere with the latest blog post.

Australians have a very distinct accent and way of speaking, so much that when a character in an American TV show or film is “from Australia”, their “accent” is exaggerated so much that I don’t even recognise what country they come from. With our strong (and dead sexy) accent comes our own vernacular, something I like to call Strayan – because no real Australian says the “L” in Australian.

Advance Straya Fair!

Advance Straya Fair!

If you’re a reader from another country and have been confused as to what your Aussie pal is trying to say to you, here are a few translations for you to help you understand your friend from Down Under.

deadset – A word commonly used by hearty Australians. It is pretty much another word for “seriously” when trying to get your point across. For example: “Beyonce is such a great performer. Deadset.” or “Love and Theft are deadset legends.”

fair dinkum – A phrase used to express a number of feelings, mainly that of surprise. For example: “This Guess wallet is reduced to $50? Fair dinkum!”

durry/fag – Now don’t be offended by the latter of the two; it’s not offensive when used properly in Australia. Basically, these two are another word for “cigarette”. For example: “Can anyone spare a durry?” or “I’m going out to have a fag.”

biff – Despite it being the nickname my best friend calls me (BFFL shortened to biff), this pretty much means “fight” as in a physical scrap. Commonly associated with contact sport. For example: “Nate Myles and Paul Gallen got into a biff in Origin 1.”

onya (may be spelled on ya) – This is a phrase of congratulations, meaning “well done” basically. It is pretty much the shortened version of “good on you”. For example: “You got a new full-time job with the NRL? Onya mate!” This may be followed up with “Sonya”, making it “onya Sonya” which paints the same meaning.

spittin’ chips – A phrase used to express one’s frustration or anger. Not as common as its original phrase “spitting the dummy”. For example: “The Broncos lost to the Eels last night and I was absolutely spittin’ chips.” NOTE: The g is omitted from “spitting” for a reason.

off his/her face – A description of someone when they are completely drunk. For example: “Talia had too much to drink last night and she was off her face.” Not to be confused with “off his/her head” which basically means he or she is crazy.

bludger – Not the flying ball from Harry Potter’s “Quidditch”, but a noun used to describe someone who is lazy. For example: “Jack hasn’t moved all day. What a bludger!”

cozzies – A shortened version of “swimming costume”, and ONLY a swimming costume. For example: “We’re going to the pool in 10 so get your cozzies.”

no wackas – Derived from another Strayan phrase “no worries”. It pretty much means “that’s okay” or “don’t worry about it.” For example: “You forgot to bring my jumper? That’s okay, no wackas.”

servo – Another shortened word, this time of “service station” also known as petrol station. For example: “I need to fill up my car so I’m going to the servo.”

bloody oath – Not a vow sworn whilst covered in blood. The English translation of this would be “Yes, that is correct.” For example: “Tahan’s going to win Big Brother? Bloody oath!”

chinwag (sometimes shortened to chinny) – A conversation, as when someone speaks, their chin moves or “wags”. For example: “So I was having a chinwag with Abby last night…”

With these important words in your belt, it is important to remember to throw in a curse word here and there where you see fit because swearing isn’t as frowned upon as much as it is expected in Australia. End your sentences with the word “mate” and you have constructed yourself a good Strayan sentence.

Another important thing to learn about how to speak Strayan is this: if there is a word that is about three or more syllables and you can shorten it to one or two and still make the same meaning, do it. Why waste your time saying “literally” when you can say “litch”. Traffic becomes traff, spectacular becomes speccy, legend or legendary becomes ledge… you get the idea. When in doubt: shorten that word.

And for sobbing out loud, Aussie is pronounced like “ozzy” not “Awssee”.

– by The Black Widow

A Guide to the 21st Century Woman

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Keith has just scored a date with the oh-so-beautiful Layla. He’s dressed in a suit and tie and has bought her a bunch of purple orchids (NOTE: because the true flower of love is the orchid, not the rose). He rocks up to her house and knocks on the door. She appears, looking effortlessly beautiful in a sheer lavender maxi dress. He hands her the flowers. She puts them in a vase and follows him down the driveway to his car. He opens the door for her to climb in.

EHH! WRONG MOVE.

“Do you think I’m some kind of second-rate citizen just because I’m a woman? I can open my own bloody door.” After that, Layla’s stormed off and Keith is left by himself. (NOTE: Keith and Layla aren’t real).

Grrrrl power.

A strong woman who don’t need no man.

As time moves on, so do people, and people change. Changing people means changing culture.

I would hazard to guess that 100% of women in previous decades swooned at the chivalrous man who opened a car door and pulled out a chair at a restaurant. Nowadays, however, it’s a fifty-fifty shot for men to guess what kind of woman he’s taking on a date – the sweet old-fashioned woman who appreciates a kind gentleman gesture or the fierce 21st century woman who don’t need no man.

The 21st Century Woman is a lot different to the sockhop polka-dot-skirt-wearing dancer of yesteryear. For instance, she will settle down and start a family – when she wants to. There is no time limit on the pursuit of housewifery. It can start as early as 20 or as late as 46, and as a gentleman, you can do absolutely nothing about it. You want to propose to her? Be prepared to get a “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” because her career is as damn important as her uterus.

Speaking of proposals, don’t be surprised if the 21st Century Woman you are dating gets down on one knee (get your mind out of the gutter) and proposes to you. The proposal is no longer a sole-male responsibility. If she wants to get married and notices that you are making next to no effort in doing so, she’ll just get up and do it.

While I am on the topic of women making the first move, you know what I’ve noticed at clubs? I’m “hanging in the corner with my five best friends” (who are all women) and they see a man or two that they like. Noticeably, the men like what they see as well. These men hug the wall and act as if they didn’t even notice the women. You know what happens? My girls go and make the first move. Kapow! The roles have reversed in Club Etiquette 101. Women are the ones making the first move to men in clubs because a) They are strong 21st Century Women and b) 21st Century Men are cats. Not to offend the feline kind.

So, you’ve managed to get a date with your 21st Century Woman of choice? You’re at a restaurant. First off, she surprises you by ordering a ton of food that could feed an army and washes it down with a good ol’ XXXX Gold beer. You ask her if she’d like to go watch a movie after having a delicious meal; she’ll either a) Decline your offer politely and suggest going to see the monster trucks or b) Pick out a gorey slasher film that most people cringe at. 21st Century Women don’t all have “stereotypical womanly interests” anymore. Beer over martinis. Sports over fashion. You name it.

If you’re sitting there wondering “just how do I approach my 21st Century Woman?” Here are a few tips:
1) Don’t be a fat slob. Get up and talk to her.
2) Don’t have any pre-conceived notions of who your woman is. She may be the complete opposite of who you thought she was.
3) Breath mints were invented for a reason.
4) Confidence is key. The 21st Century Woman can sniff that out like a dog in a park.

Get ready for a rollercoaster ride. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and this’ll be one hell of an intergalactic rollercoaster ride.

– by The Black Widow

Coffee 101

Posted in Body, Food & Nutrition, Lifestyle by

I am a person who spends a lot of time in line at coffee shops. I am also a person who knows what she wants; “strong skinny cappuccino, take away, please.” While I can order and pay in less than thirty-five seconds, there are so many pretentious sods walking around the city with their ‘small, half-strength, soy vanilla latte with two Splendas’ and weird caffeinated sugar- syrups masquerading as coffee covered in whipped cream and sprinkles.

Word.

Word.

I am a coffee snob, who was raised by a coffee snob who was raised by…well actually the line ends there, but you can bet your arse my kids with be mainlining coffee before they’re even onto mashed peas. Now, as said coffee snob (with a Barista certification and mad latte-art skills) I feel that it is my solemn duty to teach you all how to order coffee like you respect both it and yourself.

The completely acceptable, standard coffees:
Flat white
Latte
Cappuccino
Long Black
Short Black
Espresso

For the sake of many of my friendships, the lines are blurred on chai. If you’re not just being a hipster, and you genuinely like miscellaneous spices mucking up the status quo then by all means, be gross and order chai. I’m only judging you a little bit.

Any of these drinks are fine. You order a long black in the morning to have with your bagel on the train? Fantastic. Have a lovely day. If you’re someone who treats coffee the way I treated year seven chemistry, then we have some serious issues (other than the minor scar from a Bunsen burner).

Here’s where most people start getting it wrong:

Skim Milk– Some people are health conscious and order skim milk. That’s cool. Props for respecting your cholesterol while working to prevent osteoporosis. Others, like myself, find whole milk too sweet. That’s a little weird, but still fine. If, however, you are one of ‘those people’ who orders a skinny latte and then proceeds to eat a slab of Mars Bar Cheesecake and chain smoke out the front, then you’re a fool. You saved yourself fifteen calories and shortened your life expectancy by six years. Genius.

Decaffeinated coffee- This is an oxymoron and you’re an oxy-idiot. Firstly, have you ever tasted decaf coffee? It tastes like sadness feels. I had a mug of decaf once and I swear with every sip I could hear it crying, wishing it could be caffeinated like all the other cool coffee beans. Besides, if you’re drinking decaf it’s for some stupid reason like you ‘don’t want to be awake all night,’ so don’t drink coffee, just drink milk and stop being annoying.

Macchiato- I need someone to explain to me the thought process behind a macchiato. It’s basically a long black with ‘just a drop of milk.’ Why? What does that singular drop of milk really achieve? Either drink it black or get a latte. Don’t be so fussy.

Syrup- Yes, a latte contains milk. No, that does not make it a milkshake. Adding a shot of caramel or hazelnut is like going up to the Mona Lisa and saying ‘Wow. She’s perfect. Let’s just add some Crayola number 11 for fun.’ If you’ve got a sweet tooth, drink juice and let the big kids drink coffee. I’m sorry to say it gentleman, but this rule is particularly relevant to you. You know that hot barista you’ve been checking out for five minutes? As soon as you say ‘half-strength vanilla latte’ she will immediately see Chris Colfer standing in front of her (NB: he’s that guy from Glee, the show you’re too manly to watch).

Mocha- I feel the same way about mocha as I feel about syrup. Chocolate and coffee should be a combination reserved for desserts. If you need something sweet to cut through the bitter taste of the coffee, then you don’t really want it. Just get a hot chocolate. Chances are the sugar will be enough to get you pinging off the walls anyway.

Frappuccino- Grow up. A) the word is stupid. B) so are you.

Extra shot(s)- I like a double shot every now and then as a pick-me-up. For shift-workers, parents of small children and vegans who can’t stay awake because they are iron and fun deficient, an extra shot is literally life-saving. But (guys, I’m sorry to pick on you again but I’m really still talking to you) ordering an extra-hot triple espresso does not make you look manly or tough. It makes you look like your eyes are rolling in two different directions and you’ve been awake since the Millennium.

“Expresso”- I’m sorry, you want what? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my teeth gnashing together at that made up word you and your friends keep using. Unfortunately NOWHERE IN THE WORLD serves ‘expresso’ but I can make you an espresso if you’d like. It’s very similar.

While we’re on the topic of made-up words, a ‘cup-accino’ is not a coffee in a cup in the same way that a ‘mug-accino’ is not a coffee in a mug. What you’re after is a cappuccino. A big one is just called a Large. I know; your tiny mind is blown, but take slow deep breaths and the dizziness will go away soon.

Finally, I come to you, the poor souls who have reached a point in their life where there is more coffee in their veins than blood. You are the fools who will take coffee in any form; you’ll drink it, shoot it, snort it, or inject it straight into your eyeballs if need be. You may be slightly insane and your heart beat sounds more like a jazz riff than a steady rhythm but hey, you’re among great people and I’m sure I’ll be joining the club soon. We’ll get jackets. The kind with removable elbow-patches so we can attach the IV coffee bags without taking them off.

– by Blaire Gillies

P.S. A mate sent me this link once when I was having this rant to him in café. If you’re one of these people and you ever want to meet up, let’s not go for coffee. Ever.
http://sprudge.com/coffee-order-generator.html