Happy Death Day is WAY Better Than You’d Think

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Feel like being pleasantly surprised?

In the second addition of “Bronchitis Bedridden Netflix Movie Reviews”, I mindlessly turned on Happy Death Day after skimming over the synopsis, thinking that this would help me pass the time in my neverending quest to get rid of this damn illness.

So Happy Death Day is a comedy/thriller/horror starring Jessica Rothe as Theresa, or Tree… because if your name was Theresa, you would want people to give you a nickname like Tree. Anyways, Theresa (because I refuse to acknowledge her as Tree) is your standard blonde sorority bitch who celebrates her birthday by getting murdered by a masked killer. But then she wakes up on the same day and has to re-live the day where she gets murdered until she figures out who’s doing it.

Sounds kinda lame, right? Well you, like me, would be wrong!

Gruesome and all… but why do I suddenly feel like cake now?

Consider this your SPOILER WARNING. And I highly recommend that you watch this movie so you can be wowed like I was.

Theresa starts off as a bitch and you kind of don’t mind that she dies; she’s dismissive of her friends and people she deems ‘lower’ than her, and you just don’t want her to have a happy life. I thought about how this movie was going to get anyone to feel sympathetic for this bitch if she was the heroine, but they managed.

So she re-lives the day and starts to realise how much of a c-bomb she is, and on her journey to figure out what’s happening and who’s killing her, she also begins to self-reflect and figures out that she should start being nicer to people. There we go. Getting sympathy for the girl. And when she realises that she has an “unlimited amount of lives” upon dying and resetting the day, she actually turns out to be pretty funny and relatable.

The thing that I loved most about her days resetting was how they could easily differ from one another; there was no set formula to how her day could or should go. On the first night she’s lured into a tunnel and is killed; one day she barricades herself in her room, thinking she’ll escape death, but then is killed; one night she is drowned to death (and then wakes up vomiting… nice touch.) None of her runs followed a set routine mostly (even though she would wear the same outfit for the party), and I thought that was a nice touch for this Groundhog Day inspired film.

After my disappointment with Secret Obsession‘s lack of twist, I was hoping for something good. And boy did this movie provide. At the beginning, you’re going through everyone in Theresa’s life, trying to think who could possibly have a strong enough motive to kill the dumb bitch (spoiler: everyone does). And after she deduces that everyone has an “alibi” of sorts, you’re led to believe that the person that is trying to kill her is a serial killer John Tombs that targets young, beautiful women and escapes his restraints at the hospital. But then in the end, you find out that you were very wrong.

Even though I gave a spoiler warning, I don’t want to tell you what the twist is because you will never see it coming, and boy is it satisfying when you see it for yourself.

On top of this pretty damn good storyline that successfully blends thriller with comedy, you get a stellar acting performance from Jessica Rothe, who plays the selfish, manipulative turned comedy heart of gold character so perfectly that you would think the role was tailor made to her. While the characters seemed to be very stereotypical – Theresa included – it was nice to see some of them break out of the mould.

Theresa Gelbman: a bad bitch.

The storyline, while albeit a bit borrowed and overdone, was done in a new and refreshing way, and the fact that it was done in a film that’s a blend of genres was what made it super endearing to me.

Tl;dr: this movie is way better than you would think, and you should definitely hang around for the twist ending.

Anywho, I was delighted to see that there was a sequel made called Happy Death Day 2u, so I cannot wait to watch this one and see how the legend of Theresa is continued.

– by The Black Widow

Secret Obsession Was a Missed Home Run

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London Tipton sure isn’t doing so well anymore.

While being bedridden with bronchitis, I found a new loving relationship with my Netflix account. Given that I’m in and out with work and all of my other hobbies and responsibilities, I barely have time to sit down and watch something on Netflix let alone scratch my arse. So with all this newfound time, I got to explore what was on offer from this entertainment giant. And one of those things on offer was Secret Obsession, starring Brenda Song and Mike Vogel.

Brenda Song plays a woman named Jennifer, who suffers a horrendous car accident but manages to survive; her husband Russell, played by Mike Vogel, begins to rehabilitate her back at their mountain lodge as she suffered short term memory loss and intense physical trauma.

I feel as if this “obsession” isn’t so secret tbh.

Now, before we go on, this is your official SPOILERS AHEAD warning; a strong majority of the plot will be revealed in this review, so if you want to watch this and discover it yourself, then I suggest you stop here.

I love psychological thrillers so much – I mean, I forced myself to sit through Triangle, which to this day I still don’t understand – but boy let me tell you that this one was very underwhelming.

Let’s start off with the obvious: the trailer itself gives away the “twist” of the movie. In fact, it’s fairly safe to say that if you watch the trailer, then you’ve watched the whole movie. This film had the foundation to be an amazing psych thriller, but it gave away too much too soon and there was no real “twist” that makes these sorts of movies incredible.

Before I continue, I need to give a brief rundown of the beginning of the film. So this movie starts off with Jennifer running away from a psycho killer to a deserted rest stop. She manages to get away from him but then get hits by a car, thus starting the rehabilitation process. You don’t see who the psycho killer is, but if you’ve watched the trailer, you know who it is.

It’s teased very early on that Russell is not who he seems, and is revealed before the midway point of the movie that he actually isn’t married to Jennifer but is just pretending.

There. That’s it. That’s the twist.

They tried very poorly to throw suspicion on this unnamed guy with dark hair that he was the psycho killer, when there was no real motive for him to be the killer. And then Russell kills him for asking about Jennifer at the hospital, and then that’s literally the last we ever see of him. No explanation as to why he was hanging around or why his character was relevant to the storyline. Nothing. And he still doesn’t have a name. Oh, and then Russell brings this poor bastard back to their mountain lodge and buries them RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BEDROOM WINDOW which Jennifer slightly witnesses. Russell, I feel as if you don’t know how to cover your tracks well, sis.

Oh, and Russell shows Jennifer pictures of them from their wedding and other events to prove that he is her husband… but they are so POORLY PHOTOSHOPPED that I don’t understand how Jennifer wasn’t like “Lol bro u srz”. Everyone’s just like “Oh I see the skin colours don’t match, but yolo, you’re defs her husband no doubts about it.”

We find out that “Russell” is actually Ryan, who worked with Jennifer and the real Russell and was obsessed with her but didn’t have her. Then one day he casually decided to invade their home, kill Russell, and then try kill Jennifer even though he was in love with her (try make sense of that) which led to the car accident. Oh, and at some point, Ryan killed Jennifer’s parents so no one that cared about her would try and find her. Makes sense. What I don’t get, however, is that Ryan kept Russell’s dead body in the boot of Jennifer’s car, which he stole, and then buried ol’ mate unnamed in their backyard, but just left Jennifer’s parents bodies to rot in their home. Like he made no effort to cover that up whatsoever. In what world did Ryan think this stupid plan of his was gonna work.

To make his stupid plan sound even stupider, he gave false information to the hospital when he signed out Jennifer… like do you think they would just not follow up on this false information? Like I don’t understand how this guy thought he was going to get away with this.

Anyways, this seemingly incompetent detective, played by Dennis Haysbert, catches onto Ryan’s plan and eventually finds the mountain lodge. Then, the following set of events occur:
– Ryan knocks the detective out before he can save Jennifer;
– Some shit happens;
– Jennifer escapes the house after clocking him with a vase and NOT DOUBLE TAPPING and runs away on her bung ankle;
– Ryan follows her;
– The detective regains consciousness, because for some reason Ryan didn’t think to kill him, and goes after them;
– Jennifer tries to knock Ryan out but fails and he gets on top;
– The detective interferes before Ryan can kill Jennifer (which I still don’t understand if he apparently loves her so much) and they brawl;
– Jennifer gets a hold of the gun and kills Ryan.

Are you following? Cool. Because that’s the end of the movie. Well, there’s some little “three months later” scene but that’s about it.

To their credit, Secret Obsession had some pretty good acting on Song and Vogel’s behalf, but that was really the only saving grace.

I’m just so disappointed that this movie, which was set up to be a full home run, but only managed to be a single at best. Also this might just be me because I hate feet, but there was a lot of (Brenda Song’s) feet featured in this movie. So thumbs down for that.

Also, if I woke up from a coma and Mike Vogel was claiming to be my husband, I wouldn’t question it. I think that was the biggest flaw about this movie tbh.

If this man was threatening to “give me everything I’ve ever wanted”, I’d send him to Victoria’s Secret with a shopping list and forget that he killed everyone in my life.

Tl;dr: the plot is given away in the trailer. If you want to watch the movie, just watch the trailer. But if you want to watch the full movie, Mike Vogel’s in it looking fooiiine (refer to above).

This movie tried – like it really tried – to be one of those iconic psych thrillers, but it just failed to deliver. Also I still don’t understand the relevance of ol’ mate dark hair to the plot. Ol’ mate dark hair wants justice!!

– by The Black Widow

Sierra Burgess is a Horrible Human

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Potentially the most unlikeable fictional character ever.

I found myself watching the Netflix film Sierra Burgess is a Loser and I actually quite enjoyed it. Except the titular character herself. She was the most abhorrent human I have ever watched on a Netflix film, and for all intents and purposes, she deserves a good wake-up punch in the face.

For those of you whom haven’t watched the film yet and have every intention of doing so, I will warn you that there are SPOILERS AHEAD so read at your own caution.

So basically, the story of this film is Sierra Burgess is an ugly loser. Handsome Jamey asks Veronica for her number, and as a prank, Veronica gives him Sierra’s number, and then Sierra starts knowingly catfishing Jamey, whom thinks he’s actually messaging Veronica.

She honestly has one of those faces you just wanna punch, right?

You still following? Okay good. Now let’s break it down.

I’m assuming Sierra Burgess was meant to be the typical “unattractive but actually a really nice person” kinda character you generally see in high school movies, right? I mean, you have Veronica who plays her opposite as the “pretty mean girl”, and then you have Dan, who fills the role of “underappreciated best friend whom isn’t a love interest”. And of course, Noah Centineo and his fine ass playing Jamey, the “handsome jock but actually has a deeper personality than you’d think”. So you’d think all these fairly stereotypical characters would stay in their damn lanes, right?

WRONG!

For starters, Veronica evolves into the most likeable character by the end of the movie by far. Sure, she started off as the typical “I’m pretty so I hate everyone else” kinda bitch, but you see there is way more to her than meets the eye during the film; for starters, she’s not a rich daddy’s girl like most Queen Bees are, and she’s not overly vindictive either. By the end of the film, as she formulates a friendship with the very undeserving Sierra, you see that she is the most genuine character on this film, and honestly everything good in the world, you want to happen to Veronica.

But wait… shouldn’t you want this to happen to Sierra?

Well no, because Sierra is a twat and deserves horse shit. Let’s start with the most obvious: she is knowingly catfishing someone and enjoying it. Not only that, in her twisted, deluded mind, she believes her and Jamey are a thing, even though he doesn’t know he’s actually talking to this repugnant human being. Oh, and let’s not get started on the fact that she pretends to have a FUCKING PHYSICAL DISABILITY when she meets Jamey in person for the first time. That’s right, folks; this troll of a human pretends to be deaf – while in the presence of Jamey’s actually deaf brother – just because she’s paranoid that Jamey will recognise her voice. Why couldn’t you just disguise your voice, mate? Or, I don’t know, don’t catfish people in the first place so you don’t get thrust into this situation? Did I also mention that Sierra makes some friend call out to Jamey for her and says “Do this favour for me. I’m meant to be deaf.”

Before I continue with this next part, I need to explain that Sierra enlists in Veronica’s help to catfish Jamey, which in fairness, is a pretty shitty thing for Veronica to do, but Sierra maliciously manipulated her into it by promising her free tutoring in exchange for this stupid catfishing plan.

You still with me? Okay good.

Veronica does all of these favours for Sierra in her stupid scheme to seize a boyfriend, because boyfriends are the most important thing in the world – including going on a date with him, offering to send him nudes, and FaceTiming with him – and they become quite close friends. And through all of that, when Sierra sees Jamey kiss Veronica – because, you know, that’s who he thinks he’s fucking talking to, Sierra, you stupid bitch – Sierra hatches the most disgusting revenge plan on Veronica, who by all means is just an innocent bystander who was sucked into this plan. Sierra airs Veronica’s private business on screen for everyone to see at the big climactic football game after hacking into her supposed friend’s Instagram. Veronica figures out that it was Sierra and tells Sierra – and I’m paraphrasing here – “You think you’re so ugly on the outside. Well, your inside is way uglier.”

Yaaaasss bitch, speak the truth. And I’m pretty sure Sierra’s only comeback was “Well you kissed Jamey.” Think about that for a second. You kissed a boy that thinks he’s falling in love with you, so I smeared you for the entire school to see.

But, even after all of this, Sierra gets the happy ending. Jamey catches onto hers and Veronica’s plan, avoids them both, but then Veronica is the first one to make a move and apologise to Jamey and explain to her what’s going on, and then Jamey shows up to Sierra’s house and basically says he forgives her because Sierra is the kinda girl that Jamey’s always wanted.

And that’s where I call bullshit.

This entire movie, Sierra has shown that she is a revolting human, moreso on the inside, as she was willing to throw her friend under the bus, just to get a boyfriend. And yes, because I’m superficial, I’m just going to say it – she’s not pretty either. And HELLO! If Sierra is the kinda girl that Jamey always wanted, why didn’t he approach her at the beginning of the movie, instead of Veronica? No, Jamey. You’re into the hot girls. Stop lying to yourself.

And at the prom, everyone forgives Sierra, including the aforementioned Dan who really had no purpose in this movie. Did I mention that Sierra got everyone to forgive her by singing a song whining about how she’s different toe everyone and why doesn’t anyone notice me? Bull-fucking-shit.

So basically, if you wanted a short version of this entire article, here it is: Sierra Burgess catfished NOAH FUCKING CENTINEO an innocent boy, pretended to be deaf, manipulated a girl she was tutoring to join her sick plan, and hacked her supposed friend for a revenge plot that had no real reasoning behind it whatsoever, and yet she gets the happy ending?

If it were up to me, Veronica should’ve ended up with Jamey, because they were the only real decent people in this entire movie. And Sierra should’ve been tossed into the trash where she belonged from the start.

There. Venting over. I feel better now.

If you ignore all of the above, though, it’s actually a pretty good movie. You should watch it.

– by The Black Widow

Dear Inglis

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Dear Inglis,

There are so many things that will be different now that you are gone; no longer will I be greeted by your big head and your wagging tail when I go to mum and dad’s house; no longer will I be followed into the guest room where you will inevitably sleep on the floor next to me if I had to crash there; and no longer will I fuss about what to buy you for your birthday and for Christmas.

This will forever be my favourite photo I captured of you.

When you looked up at me with pain in your eyes as you took your last breaths on this earth, I have never felt a heartbreak worse than that. You were the love of my life. You are the love of my life. I always said that no matter whom was thrust into my life, they couldn’t compare to you, because no one would ever be as happy to see me as you were. And to see you go to sleep for the final time has completely destroyed me. I knew that you were in pain, and the only thing worse than seeing you fall to a final sleep, would be to see you try to get through every day as your body slowly succumbed to the cancer that had eventually brought an end to your happy, full life.

I still remember when we first got you as a little innocent puppy, and I thought I could get in before everyone else did, and I called you Zelda, even though you were a boy. I even tried to call you Zelda after we had officially named you Inglis Cronk Slater Smith just to see if you’d respond, and you didn’t. You were too clever for my little shenanigans.

Never too good to sleep on the bed.

And then you grew up, and you were an absolute rascal. I wondered if those flappy ears on that big noggin of yours were just for decoration; you would do things that would irritate us, and you knew it would irritate us, but you’d do it anyway. You would bark at nothing, and I would open the door to tell you to be quiet, and you’d look up at me sheepishly, knowing that you were in trouble. But as soon as that door was shut again, BARK BARK BARK.

I wouldn’t exactly call you the smartest dog in the canine species as well. You wore that participation award at puppy school with pride, probably because you knew deep down that you wouldn’t be as smart as the other dogs. I often compared you to the stereotypical jock of Hollywood high school movies: big, handsome, athletic, and stupid as hell. The permanent look on your face told me “I’m Inglis, I’m hungry, do you like food? Because I like food. My name is Inglis. Did I mention I like food?” I’m glad that of the few things that you retained in that beautiful big head of yours, you learned to do your toilet business outside, as taught to you by my handsome Border Collie x Kelpie, Stumpy.

My favourite thing about you was when you would know if you were in trouble if I used your full name. Inglis Cronk Slater Smith. I said it so many times when I was angry at you that it just slipped off the tongue so effortlessly. But you knew when it was a simple ‘Inglis’, you were in the clear, and you would waltz on over with a smile on your face.

Actually, no. My favourite thing about you was how you would know when I was upset, and you would fight tooth and nail to get to me and lick the tears off my face and give me as many kisses as you possibly could just to show that through all the heartache and pain I may had faced, you still loved me. And that was enough. And it really was. I’m just annoyed it took me a while to see that.

“Can you hurry up so I can eat my damn cake, please?”

Often when someone refers to someone as “the love of their life”, they go on dates, right? Well, we did that. In the last weeks of your life when I was housesitting to look after you, I would order in food – and not share with you, regardless of that look you gave me – and we would watch movies on Netflix. Remember how much you liked How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? I don’t think you left my side when we watched that. However, you weren’t so keen on Christmas With a View, which I don’t understand, because as your owner, you should’ve adopted my liking for terrible Christmas movies.

Some people may haven’t been as happy to see me as I would’ve liked, but you always were. And when I saw you in the last minutes of your life, and you saw the tears flowing out of my eyes, with your last ounces of energy, you raised your head and licked it away, because you knew that I needed your comfort at that moment more than I’ve ever needed it before.

Whenever I hear Don’t Stop by No Doubt, I won’t think of how it’s one of my favourite all-time songs; it will serve as a reminder of our bond. I remember it so clearly, as if it were yesterday; I held you in my arms, and belted out those Gwen Stefani lyrics, and watched in amusement as you tried to squirm out of my hold as I potentially rendered you partially deaf with my horrible singing voice squealing.

I will always love you, my baby.

In your last moments with me, my baby, I could tell you knew what was going to happen. Your eyes were red and sad, because you knew you would be saying farewell to me and to the rest of your family. But we couldn’t let you live like that, my big boy. There was no way we could do that.

But what I wouldn’t give to wake up and see you on the floor next to me, laying on your back with your paws in the air, with your mouth drooping; or to see you look at me sitting on the sofa, and then you would place one paw on the couch, as if to ask me “So can I come up there and sit with you?”; or to just give me those kisses that I needed so much when I felt as broken as I do now. I really need those kisses now, Inglis, but I have to make peace with the fact that I will never get them again.

Rest easy, my beautiful baby boy. Tell Stumpy I miss him, and now I hope you can enjoy all the rope games, and eat all the chocolate guilt free like I do, knowing that it can’t harm you now. You have been the most beautiful, loyal and caring dog, and anyone who has come into contact with you over the years is that much better off having known you.

I love you so much Inglis Cronk Slater Smith, and I will never forget you. You will always hold a special place in my heart.

With love,

Nikki xoxo