Men Get PMS Too!

Posted in Lifestyle by

We’ve all heard of, and many of you have probably fallen victim to, the dreaded Man Flu; a disease so feminist it was probably invented by Germaine Greer herself as it only attacks the male species. But while many of you attempt to ward off the misandric virus, you are dangerously ignorant of a more grievous condition – Paused Masculinity Syndrome or PMS.

That moment when Noah and Allie break up...

That moment when Noah and Allie break up…

Paused Masculinity Syndrome is to men what Pre-Menstrual Syndrome is to women; an excuse to eat unlimited chocolate, complain about fat, cry and do nothing for five days straight. Granted, males don’t experience the soul-destroying pain their female counterparts do, they still suffer through the mood swings and hectic hormones that make life a living hell.

As crazy as it may seem, PMS has actually been scientifically proven. It’s called something more boring and clinical than Paused Masculinity Syndrome (which I just made up to prove a point) but is classified as an acute state of hypersensitivity, anxiety, frustration, and anger that occurs in males and is associated with biochemical changes, hormonal fluctuations, stress, and loss of male identity.

It occurs in a regular cycle as the male body attempts to cope with fatigue and physical over-exertion which causes testosterone to be released and burned at an accelerated rate. When this occurs, the body goes through a brief period of being testosterone deficient. While most prescribe rest and a healthy diet, Doctor Blaire prescribes a metric tonne of rocky road icecream, multiple viewings of The Notebook and a hot water bottle or heat pack.

I also recommend building your wife/girlfriend/female housemate a Jodie Foster style panic room to live in seven days a month because everyone knows that when two or more women cohabitate for any length of time, their cycles tend to link up. If both of you are busy crying over Finding Nemo and feeling fat, who’s going to be there to open pickle jars, heroically tackle spiders or move heavy furniture around the room when the feng-shui isn’t healing your cramps because there’s too much tension between the lamp and the ottoman?

I’m sure that most guys tuned out of, or actively repressed most of their high-school health ed. classes out of sheer embarrassment so the poor little dears had to learn the terrors of pre-menstrual syndrome by being tortured by hormonal sisters and girlfriends (one behalf of all women, I’m sorry!). Nobody thought to teach them about the challenges of Paused Masculinity, so I feel that it is my responsibility to help you boys get through your time of the month.

Identifying and treating the symptoms of PMS:
Insomnia: occurring shortly after the horrible nightmare about your totally metrosexual favourite pink paisley shirt not fitting right.  Insomnia is one of the first identifiable symptoms of what is, in your case, ‘manstruation.’

Dehydration: suddenly finding yourself overcome with the need to drink a billion litres of water is not uncommon curing PMS but if the thought of sitting with your equally irritable and thirsty girlfriend makes you feel even more girly, a nice cold beer is a good way to remind yourself that deep down inside you’re as manly as Elton John when he married Renata Blauel.

Inexplicable waterworks: crying over nappy ads, RSPCA commercials or that ad with all the talking red-headed toddlers is completely acceptable. It’s just like The Big Lebowski says, “strong men cry too.”

Headaches: often linked to dehydration, headaches can be cured by drinking plenty of water throughout the day, however keep in mind that with the fluctuation in chemical and hormone levels, your body might be craving sugar. This is your cue to eat raw cookie dough and drink unlimited hot chocolate!

Backaches and cramps: Suckers! You still suffer this part as much as those of us with the XX chromosome. A heat pack helps to reduce soul-destroying pain in the lower back, while staying in bed curled in the foetal position also has a delightfully calming effect. This is the perfect opportunity for you to play endless hours of CoD without your girlfriend making you feel guilty – she’s probably in the next room watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians in exactly the same position.

And finally…
The dreaded mood swings: zero to bitch in .01 seconds. It in these moments when you can go from being absolutely in love with the women in your life to hating everything about them from the way they flip their hair and pick their nails to the way they constantly wear your clothes and leave them in some floral reek they like to call perfume. Invest in a stress ball and a teddy bear. The first is to carry around in your pocket for the sudden burst of aggression and the latter is to keep in your bedroom to cry to at night when you remember that Dawson and Joey never got back together in season 6.

Paused Masculinity Syndrome is equally as debilitating as Man Flu, and it is important to remember that while you may feel that you’re dying or that you look too fat in your favourite jeans to be seen in public, you will get through it. You will live to see another AFL season, eat more pies, ogle more boobs and drink more beer while discussing manly things like cars, fishing and proper chainsaw maintenance.

– by Blaire Gillies

P.S If you’re sick of The Notebook, apparently there’s a love story hidden in the plot of Die Hard…

A Feminist Against Feminism

Posted in Opinion by

Now don’t let the heading fool you.

I am a pretty chilled (male) feminist. I believe women should be paid the same amount as men for doing the exact same job. I think women should be allowed to wear whatever they want without men feeling the need to sexually assault them. I even sometimes have issues playing a video game where you are forced to be a male because really, I’m pretty sure a kickass female could do the same job just as good if not better than Michael, Franklin and Trevor from GTA V.

In saying that, there are some times where feminism just gets absolutely ridiculous. This type of feminism is sometimes referred to as “radical” or “extreme” feminism. Whilst looking at cute pictures of Prince George – who could possibly rival the total cuteness of my nephew Drake – I stumbled upon this image which made me laugh because: A) It was so stupid that there was no other way to react and B) I didn’t think people thought like this anymore. Click on the picture to enlarge it and see the ridiculousness:

Like really?

Like really?

The cute little baby hasn’t done anything to anyone (besides be a freakin’ adorable baby)! His parents are full of class and poise and are doing a pretty solid job as their role as “Aesthetically Pleasing Royal Couple of Cambridge”. They haven’t done anything to women. The matriarch of the commonwealth is a woman for sobbing out loud. I don’t understand why people would have an issue with the Royal Baby being a male.

I was listening to a radio show a while ago (actual time length not determined) and the radio DJ was interviewing a feminist whose name has left me at this point in time. My interest sparked because, being a feminist, I like to listen to other feminists speak strongly of their beliefs. However, I was majorly disappointed. She had a problem with women wearing skirts and would snidely refer to them as “skirt wearers” and she also felt that women who shaved or waxed their body hair were “unnatural” and “were only doing so to please men”. Oh, and she felt that pads/tampons were unnecessary and thought women who wore them were subjecting themselves to be slaves to men or some crap like that.

I did not think that there were people like this still out there but apparently there is. I’m all for freedom of speech and people should be able to express their opinion without being absolutely shat upon for saying what they believe, but when opinions are this close-minded and come off as, quite frankly, stupid, I lose a tiny bit of hope in humanity.

If a man said half the things that these extreme feminists have been saying, they would be lynched immediately whilst insults such as “misogynistic pig” and “sexist fuck” would be thrown at them. The media would have a field day and would turn that man into a criminal. An extreme feminist says these things? Sure, people will think bad of him/her, but that’ll be it. No lynching. No coarse insults. Just a few bad thoughts.

In 1968, extreme feminists protested a Miss America pageant by throwing typically feminine things into a garbage bin to “represent freedom”. Women fighting against other women to demand equality. Yeah. Nice logic. How dare people live their own lives?! I don’t have a problem with a woman who wants to participate in a beauty pageant as much as I don’t have a problem with a woman who wants to be a scientist or a police officer. Let’s get serious, everyone.

I want women to be equal to men but some of these extreme feminists act is if they want to live on a planet called Amazonia where men are put in prison if they look at a woman wrong. Yes, that was a Josie and the Pussycats reference. Quite frankly – and I hope I don’t offend anyone by this – I think these extreme feminists are ridiculous.

– by The Black Widow

Bad Days: Understanding Assholes

Posted in Opinion by

Everything is making you upset, bad things seem to be following you, and the stress of it all is transforming into a silent and sad rage. It’s just another day, except you’re pissy at the universe and the universe is retaliating. It isn’t really though, because I’ve lived through this day; in fact, I experience this phenomenon two to three times in a good week.

"My hair looks like crap? I hate everyone."

“My hair looks like crap? I hate everyone.”

It can be akin to a child who ruins their day at Sea World because they’re still grumpy about not riding shotgun on the way there. When you wake up upset, everything in your path will make you more so as the day goes on, and when it’s over you feel like the irrational and idiotic person you hate other people for being. It’s the hindsight that really kills you, and you end up having a string of thoughts similar to this:

‘You idiot, you got upset over that? You’re a real shit-head. Here, have this big reality check.’.

But even if you’re flipping tables, or cussing-out your mother, or death-staring strangers on the train, there’s something you should know; it’s a shame to think that anything you feel is invalid.

I’m going to take a chapter out of the Big Book of Cliches and say that nobody is perfect, and human nature makes us prone to dramatise everything that we do and everything that is done to us. If we’re lucky, there’s always someone around to tell us when we’re being unreasonably shitty, but even then we can’t pretend to switch off the feelings that have already bubbled to our brim.

Example: My partner tried to kiss me but instead smashed his nose into my face. What a funny little accident, right? Nope, not in my state of despair; this was just another sign that the universe was against me. Once my anger subsided to muffled misery, the unloading began, and suddenly he became an audience member to the tragic play that was my Tuesday:

‘It’s just that my mum called, and that made me miss her, but also we didn’t have milk for coffee, and my hair wasn’t doing that flippy thing I like, and oh yeah, I’m sad about how strained me and my father’s relationship has become.’

And just like that my day from Hell was diminished to a few annoyances and a huge emotional issue that was lying dormant in my self-conscious. If I had taken the time to talk to someone about this, or even think about it myself, I might have had the best damn day of my life. But realistically, days like this can’t be avoided so easily, because when emotion takes over, all rationality is crumpled up and thrown into the gutter – and this is why I desperately try to apply this to all the other seemingly evil people I come across.

When an old lady cuts in front of me at the shops, sure, I hate her and all other elderly people in the world, but only briefly, because I know there’s an excuse for her rudeness. Maybe she only has two more hours to live, and before she dies she has to purchase a photo frame for her only daughter, Jessica, and place inside a picture of them sitting on the beach together from their Perth trip back in 89′, just to let her know that she will always be with her and that her love for Jessica is as endless as the waves of that ocean.

Not only do I admire this lady’s love for her daughter, but I pity her, because she is going to be dead by the time I eat the chocolate I’m waiting in line to pay for. I know the story is farfetched and lame, but I’d like to think that instead of this lady being a total dick, there’s a reason for her actions, because I know I’ve always uncovered a reason behind mine. But this doesn’t excuse the lesson that taking the time to sort out the emotional stress in your head will make you less of an asshole, and more attuned to all the goodness in your day.

So instead of categorising your feelings or the feelings of others as unworthy, think of why people do the things they do. When you’re having a bad day take the time to figure out why, rather than spend it hating on yourself and others because you might feel like you have the freedom to wallow in your own frustrations, but it comes at a cost, not just to your day but to the people around you.

– by Josefina Huq

Review: WWE 2K14

Posted in Entertainment, Video Games by

The big story in the production of this game was the shift from THQ to 2K Sports. Everyone thought that this change was going to be a huge uphill for the WWE video game series, but was it? I don’t think it was, but I don’t think it was a downhill either.

WWE_2K14_cover

As I always do when I first boot up a new wrestling game, I played a singles match as my favourite Diva on the roster – in this case it was Aksana, a video game debutante – going up against another debutante in Kaitlyn, I was expecting some pretty big things. Despite the cool entrances for the new Divas plus the looks, I wasn’t too impressed. The gameplay was pretty much the same as WWE13 with only one real new change (that I noticed anyway) which was the grapple-drag-and-lean shtick which is pretty cool. May I also just take this time and say that unless there is some easy way of doing it that I am not aware of yet, putting someone into a groggy position on the second rope in a 619-ready position is DIFFICULT.

One of the main modes and features of this game is the 30 Years of Wrestlemania mode, where as a player, you go through every Wrestlemania since the first and play key matches from each of them. Just like WWE13’s Attitude Era mode, to unlock everything and make the most of your nostalgic experience, you have to do some key things throughout the match. For example, you will have to Sweet Chin Music Ric Flair three times at Wrestlemania 24 (and subsequently cry as the cutscene takes place). This mode is definitely a nice touch to the game and I found it very entertaining reliving all the old moments, even if they were a bit historically off (NOTE: Stephanie McMahon does get Rock Bottom’d at WM 2000).

One portion of the 30 Years mode is the “Streak Mode”, where you either Defend the Streak as the Undertaker in a slobberknocker, or Beat the Streak as a wrestler of your choice against the Undertaker. Beat the Streak was, dare I say, fantastic! As witnessed at every Wrestlemania the Deadman has participated in, you just can’t put the man down for the 3 count, no matter how hard you try. In the game, it is the exact same. As Ryback, I had to hit the Undertaker with at least 4 Meat Hooks and 4 Shell Shockeds before he would finally stay down – and this was after I rage-restarted about six times.

The roster in WWE2K14 was alright, however the big issue I had with was the notable omission of FAAAAANNNDAAAAANNGOOOOOOO. He was a big star of 2013 and won a match at Wrestlemania 29 against Chris Jericho, so you’d assume he’d be included. Nah. As a Diva fan, it’s also important to point out that they have gone down to the infamous “Seven Diva Rule” where only seven original Divas are included in the game, and two of them are Legends, leaving five current Divas. They also missed out on the Usos, sadface. I love them.

I haven’t dabbled that much in Universe Mode because I found that quite similar to WWE13’s Universe Mode as well, although the rivalry portion of this year’s mode is quite fun, even if you can only do 3 per show. Playing a Diva rivalry on Universe Mode is #totesamaze.

Creation is – I sound like a broken record – very, very similar to WWE13. Creation parts in Create-a-Superstar are pretty much the same with no new cool hairstyles or short skirts to add to your Diva. The only cool thing I liked about this game’s superstar creation is the “Social Name” part where you can put your CAW’s Twitter handle in their ring entrance. Other than that, not really impressed with any of the other creation modes. I do have to make mention of how much I love the “Top Diva” generic theme.

While I’m at sounding like a broken record, graphics are pretty similar as well. I mean, the same Lita and Stephanie McMahon models have been used. Really?

Solst-o-meter
Gameplay: 7.0/10
Graphics: 6.8/10
Creation: 6.6/10
Overall experience: 6.8/10

While I find it fun to play for a solid hour or so, I don’t see anything that will keep the casual gamer from sticking around for that long. It’s too similar to WWE13 to note any major improvements and I’m disappointed that the change to 2k Sports hasn’t had a major impact on game development. Hopefully, the DLC of Summer Rae and Fandango will change my mind because I luff them 4eva.

– by The Black Widow