From Doing Diddly-Squat to Actual Squats

Posted in Body, Health & Fitness by

If there is one thing we can all agree on, it’s how much we hate our friends on Facebook who do nothing but check-in at the gym and post statuses about how good their workout was. We get it; you do in fact lift…bro. The trouble with these irritatingly fit friends, though, is that they’re smarter than the rest of us. Why? Because – spoiler alert – exercise actually is good for us.

Endorphins are wonderful little neurotransmitters released during exercise that make us feel happy and amazing. Because I have the mentality of a four-year-old, when I’m running I sometimes like to imagine them as happy little dolphins in my brain cheering me on. Don’t judge me.  If I may quote Legally Blonde for a moment, “Exercise gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t shoot their husbands…they just don’t.”

This wonderful, happy feeling also leads to increased self-esteem. Note, this does not mean that being skinny makes you happy. What I mean is that increasing your fitness levels gives you an amazing sense of achievement. Eighteen months ago, I was the last person anybody would expect to be a runner; a massive dweeb who spent all her time reading and watching old films. Now, I run every day, or I train on my spin-bike. Hell, I even started Pilates despite months of cynicism and active resistance (turns out, it’s not half bad). My point is, that I look back on where I was and compare it to who I am now and I beyond proud of myself for my accomplishments.

I know I’m the girl who advocates for chocolate in any scenario, and while it’s true that chocolate releases the same endorphins as exercise, unlike eating half a block of Wonka’s Marvellous Creations as a pick-me-up, you’ll never regret a workout. It may not be until a few days after said workout, when you finally get feeling back in your thighs and butt that you feel good about it, but damn, when the limping stops you will feel like a Goddess (or God, for those of you with XY chromosome).

I may in fact smack the next person I hear shout “no pain, no gain!” at the gym or the mini-workout stations along the running track. I know it’s true, but working out should not be torture. It’s not like we’re all lining up to get whipped or strappadoed. Let’s come up with some new chants. Repeat after me: “I am only a little bit uncomfortable and I am not in fact dying so I will do five more squats before the Maccas run.” I know it’s not as catchy, but at least it’s realistic. You are in charge of your body. You know your limits and you know your goals. The tip to a good workout is making it fun for you, whether that means bringing a friend to keep you motivated or just mixing things up every now and again. As long as you have a wicked playlist, you’re good to go.

Personally, I’m a huge fan 90s pop music.
Wannabe – Spice Girls
MMMBop – Hanson
Dr Jones – Aqua
Backstreet’s Back – Backstreet Boys
I know admitting this to you is only making you judge me more, but I’m cool with it. You listen to your white noise, techno crap and I’ll be on the next treadmill rockin’ some Venga Boys. Game on.

The best advice that I can give you is this; if you’re at the start of your fitness journey, the important thing to keep in mind is that you need to set realistic goals for yourself. You will not wake up looking like Alessandra Ambrosio or Charlie Hunnam after just one gym session. Start slowly to avoid injury and build up from there. Arnold Schwarzenegger was not born with -0% body fat. He started with 10 reps lifting small cars, then slowly moved on to trucks and larger buildings. You should start with kettlebells though. Or toothpicks…just to be on the safe side.

Oh, and it’s best to work out in the morning before your brain has time to wake up properly and hate you.

– by Blaire Gillies

A Guide to the 21st Century Woman

Posted in Lifestyle by

Keith has just scored a date with the oh-so-beautiful Layla. He’s dressed in a suit and tie and has bought her a bunch of purple orchids (NOTE: because the true flower of love is the orchid, not the rose). He rocks up to her house and knocks on the door. She appears, looking effortlessly beautiful in a sheer lavender maxi dress. He hands her the flowers. She puts them in a vase and follows him down the driveway to his car. He opens the door for her to climb in.

EHH! WRONG MOVE.

“Do you think I’m some kind of second-rate citizen just because I’m a woman? I can open my own bloody door.” After that, Layla’s stormed off and Keith is left by himself. (NOTE: Keith and Layla aren’t real).

Grrrrl power.

A strong woman who don’t need no man.

As time moves on, so do people, and people change. Changing people means changing culture.

I would hazard to guess that 100% of women in previous decades swooned at the chivalrous man who opened a car door and pulled out a chair at a restaurant. Nowadays, however, it’s a fifty-fifty shot for men to guess what kind of woman he’s taking on a date – the sweet old-fashioned woman who appreciates a kind gentleman gesture or the fierce 21st century woman who don’t need no man.

The 21st Century Woman is a lot different to the sockhop polka-dot-skirt-wearing dancer of yesteryear. For instance, she will settle down and start a family – when she wants to. There is no time limit on the pursuit of housewifery. It can start as early as 20 or as late as 46, and as a gentleman, you can do absolutely nothing about it. You want to propose to her? Be prepared to get a “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” because her career is as damn important as her uterus.

Speaking of proposals, don’t be surprised if the 21st Century Woman you are dating gets down on one knee (get your mind out of the gutter) and proposes to you. The proposal is no longer a sole-male responsibility. If she wants to get married and notices that you are making next to no effort in doing so, she’ll just get up and do it.

While I am on the topic of women making the first move, you know what I’ve noticed at clubs? I’m “hanging in the corner with my five best friends” (who are all women) and they see a man or two that they like. Noticeably, the men like what they see as well. These men hug the wall and act as if they didn’t even notice the women. You know what happens? My girls go and make the first move. Kapow! The roles have reversed in Club Etiquette 101. Women are the ones making the first move to men in clubs because a) They are strong 21st Century Women and b) 21st Century Men are cats. Not to offend the feline kind.

So, you’ve managed to get a date with your 21st Century Woman of choice? You’re at a restaurant. First off, she surprises you by ordering a ton of food that could feed an army and washes it down with a good ol’ XXXX Gold beer. You ask her if she’d like to go watch a movie after having a delicious meal; she’ll either a) Decline your offer politely and suggest going to see the monster trucks or b) Pick out a gorey slasher film that most people cringe at. 21st Century Women don’t all have “stereotypical womanly interests” anymore. Beer over martinis. Sports over fashion. You name it.

If you’re sitting there wondering “just how do I approach my 21st Century Woman?” Here are a few tips:
1) Don’t be a fat slob. Get up and talk to her.
2) Don’t have any pre-conceived notions of who your woman is. She may be the complete opposite of who you thought she was.
3) Breath mints were invented for a reason.
4) Confidence is key. The 21st Century Woman can sniff that out like a dog in a park.

Get ready for a rollercoaster ride. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and this’ll be one hell of an intergalactic rollercoaster ride.

– by The Black Widow

Coffee 101

Posted in Body, Food & Nutrition, Lifestyle by

I am a person who spends a lot of time in line at coffee shops. I am also a person who knows what she wants; “strong skinny cappuccino, take away, please.” While I can order and pay in less than thirty-five seconds, there are so many pretentious sods walking around the city with their ‘small, half-strength, soy vanilla latte with two Splendas’ and weird caffeinated sugar- syrups masquerading as coffee covered in whipped cream and sprinkles.

Word.

Word.

I am a coffee snob, who was raised by a coffee snob who was raised by…well actually the line ends there, but you can bet your arse my kids with be mainlining coffee before they’re even onto mashed peas. Now, as said coffee snob (with a Barista certification and mad latte-art skills) I feel that it is my solemn duty to teach you all how to order coffee like you respect both it and yourself.

The completely acceptable, standard coffees:
Flat white
Latte
Cappuccino
Long Black
Short Black
Espresso

For the sake of many of my friendships, the lines are blurred on chai. If you’re not just being a hipster, and you genuinely like miscellaneous spices mucking up the status quo then by all means, be gross and order chai. I’m only judging you a little bit.

Any of these drinks are fine. You order a long black in the morning to have with your bagel on the train? Fantastic. Have a lovely day. If you’re someone who treats coffee the way I treated year seven chemistry, then we have some serious issues (other than the minor scar from a Bunsen burner).

Here’s where most people start getting it wrong:

Skim Milk– Some people are health conscious and order skim milk. That’s cool. Props for respecting your cholesterol while working to prevent osteoporosis. Others, like myself, find whole milk too sweet. That’s a little weird, but still fine. If, however, you are one of ‘those people’ who orders a skinny latte and then proceeds to eat a slab of Mars Bar Cheesecake and chain smoke out the front, then you’re a fool. You saved yourself fifteen calories and shortened your life expectancy by six years. Genius.

Decaffeinated coffee- This is an oxymoron and you’re an oxy-idiot. Firstly, have you ever tasted decaf coffee? It tastes like sadness feels. I had a mug of decaf once and I swear with every sip I could hear it crying, wishing it could be caffeinated like all the other cool coffee beans. Besides, if you’re drinking decaf it’s for some stupid reason like you ‘don’t want to be awake all night,’ so don’t drink coffee, just drink milk and stop being annoying.

Macchiato- I need someone to explain to me the thought process behind a macchiato. It’s basically a long black with ‘just a drop of milk.’ Why? What does that singular drop of milk really achieve? Either drink it black or get a latte. Don’t be so fussy.

Syrup- Yes, a latte contains milk. No, that does not make it a milkshake. Adding a shot of caramel or hazelnut is like going up to the Mona Lisa and saying ‘Wow. She’s perfect. Let’s just add some Crayola number 11 for fun.’ If you’ve got a sweet tooth, drink juice and let the big kids drink coffee. I’m sorry to say it gentleman, but this rule is particularly relevant to you. You know that hot barista you’ve been checking out for five minutes? As soon as you say ‘half-strength vanilla latte’ she will immediately see Chris Colfer standing in front of her (NB: he’s that guy from Glee, the show you’re too manly to watch).

Mocha- I feel the same way about mocha as I feel about syrup. Chocolate and coffee should be a combination reserved for desserts. If you need something sweet to cut through the bitter taste of the coffee, then you don’t really want it. Just get a hot chocolate. Chances are the sugar will be enough to get you pinging off the walls anyway.

Frappuccino- Grow up. A) the word is stupid. B) so are you.

Extra shot(s)- I like a double shot every now and then as a pick-me-up. For shift-workers, parents of small children and vegans who can’t stay awake because they are iron and fun deficient, an extra shot is literally life-saving. But (guys, I’m sorry to pick on you again but I’m really still talking to you) ordering an extra-hot triple espresso does not make you look manly or tough. It makes you look like your eyes are rolling in two different directions and you’ve been awake since the Millennium.

“Expresso”- I’m sorry, you want what? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my teeth gnashing together at that made up word you and your friends keep using. Unfortunately NOWHERE IN THE WORLD serves ‘expresso’ but I can make you an espresso if you’d like. It’s very similar.

While we’re on the topic of made-up words, a ‘cup-accino’ is not a coffee in a cup in the same way that a ‘mug-accino’ is not a coffee in a mug. What you’re after is a cappuccino. A big one is just called a Large. I know; your tiny mind is blown, but take slow deep breaths and the dizziness will go away soon.

Finally, I come to you, the poor souls who have reached a point in their life where there is more coffee in their veins than blood. You are the fools who will take coffee in any form; you’ll drink it, shoot it, snort it, or inject it straight into your eyeballs if need be. You may be slightly insane and your heart beat sounds more like a jazz riff than a steady rhythm but hey, you’re among great people and I’m sure I’ll be joining the club soon. We’ll get jackets. The kind with removable elbow-patches so we can attach the IV coffee bags without taking them off.

– by Blaire Gillies

P.S. A mate sent me this link once when I was having this rant to him in café. If you’re one of these people and you ever want to meet up, let’s not go for coffee. Ever.
http://sprudge.com/coffee-order-generator.html

Happy All Hallow’s Eve!

Posted in Lifestyle by

It’s the day where kids in cute animal costumes walk around with brown paper bags begging complete strangers for candy, and the day where girls walk around in lingerie with some form of fake blood on them. It’s Halloween!

Because really, if you were to ever dress up as something... it'd be a banana.

Because really, if you were to ever dress up as something… it’d be a banana.

Last night, I noticed a group on Facebook deftly titled “Halloween is un-Australian” and that really got to me; sure, Halloween might not be your cup of tea as an Australian and that’s completely fine. To others, however, Halloween is a perfect time to dress up and have fun with friends and family by walking around, asking for treats and comparing costumes with one another. Why would you dampen someone else’s fun just because of your own personal beliefs? Just as much you shouldn’t condemn someone for their religious beliefs, don’t stop a whole bunch of people for believing that Halloween is a time of fun and spookiness.

Anywho, the team at SolSat are ready for Halloween and here are the costume ideas we have planned for today’s events:

Nikki
As the major Halloween enthusiast I am, I’ve organised for my college newsroom to dress up for Halloween. What newsroom dresses up for Halloween? The best newsroom in the world! For the day, I have decided to spice up an old costume of mine – instead of being “sweet innocent Little Red Riding Hood who was eaten by the wolf and eventually saved by a huntsman”, I’m dressing up as “demon Little Red Riding Hood who grabbed an axe and slashed that wolf into pieces”.

For this costume, I have a red riding hood (obviously), a white shirt, denim cut offs and brown boots. The cool part, however, is the plastic axe I will be carrying with red texta at the end of it… wolf’s blood and what not. For extra dramatic effect, I’ll be drawing red claw marks down the side of my face because gosh darn it that wolf did put up a fight. Instead of a cane basket, I have a skull candy bag. Demon Little Red Riding Hood? I think so.

For the night’s events, I will be attending a Halloween party at a local night joint and wanted to dress up as my favourite comic book character ever – Harley Quinn. Harley is a woman, however, so I made the man’s version of it and I can be so bold as to say that my costume is excellent.

For this costume, I have red-and-black split-leg jeans, one red Chuck Taylor and one black Chuck Taylor, a split-coloured black-and-red shirt with diamond pieces sewn onto it and a harlequin/court-jester handband with white and red face-make up. Can I get a soooo weeee?

Blaire

As a kid, the closest I ever really got to celebrating Halloween was watching The Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror special episodes.
My family have always been pretty indifferent to the whole concept. The modern bastardisation of the traditional Pagan celebration is a very American idea which has no relevance to Australian history or culture so we just didn’t feel the need to get involved with it. Plus we lived on a farm roughly 15km from the closest town, so ‘Trick-or-Treating’ would have been fairly arduous.

I’ve also noticed that the older we get the more vulgar costumes get. Women favour costumes prefaced with the word slutty. Slutty nurse, slutty cat, slutty policewoman… you get my drift. Even classic, unsexy characters like Thing One and Thing Two or even The Teletubbies get made to look cheap and tacky.

For the guys, it’s mostly just the one night a year when cross-dressing is not only socially acceptable, but pretty much expected (remember boys, shave your legs if you’re planning on wearing tights- the itch will destroy you if you don’t!).

With that said, I absolutely adore making and designing costumes and would love to have an excuse like Halloween to go all out and create my dream outfit. As cliche as it is, if I were to ever go to a Halloween Party, I would want to go as Glinda from The Wizard of Oz. I will forever associate Halloween with little kids and Glinda was a character I loved so much in my own childhood, so I would definitely owe it to 7 year old Blaire to go as the Good Witch. And rest assured, Little Me, I’d go all out. Big white gown with the petticoats, lace and beads with a big silver crown and sceptre. I’ve got nineteen years (and counting) to make up for, you can bet I’d do it right!

You can bet your sweet fanny that any Halloween pictures we take tomorrow will definitely be uploaded onto the Solstice Satisfaction Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Solstice Satisfaction Links
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/SolsticeSatisfaction
Twitter: twitter.com/SolsticeSat
Instagram: @solsticesatisfaction

To all of our loyal and lovely readers out there, I hope you have a safe Halloween and you enjoy your day. If you don’t celebrate or enjoy the concept of Halloween, I equally hope you enjoy your day and have fun doing whatever you are doing!

– by The Black Widow and Blaire Gillies